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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Tiny entry
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 9.5 hours.

No records beat today. Ran two miles at 7.2 mph, went to use the weight machines/cool off, came back and ran one more mile, then walked one.

I am writing my application essay and talking about confronting the reality that I will die one day. Discussing how this makes me value the time I have before that happens.

That's all for now.

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Achievement unlockeddd
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 8.5 hours.

So I ran 3.5 miles continuously today. That's the longest distance I've ever run, and it's more than twice than the 1.5 miles I was doing before. I was running at an 8:20 minute mile speed (7.2mph I think), which was pretty comfortable. I think I could have run longer, but I made the mistake of not taking off my jacket before starting, and I was getting pretty warm by the end of the 3.5 miles, so I slowed down to take off my jacket and walked the last half mile to round it out to 4 miles. The treadmill said I burned 360 calories, but as I've said before, I am pretty sure that's a lie.

After that, I hopped on the Stairmaster for 20 minutes to finish up my hour at the gym. It said I burned almost 240 calories, but eh. I didn't use the rails (is that what they're called?) on either machine, and I entered my age/weight, which should have helped make the calorie count more accurate, but I'm sure they're still off by some amount. Just wish I knew how much. I looked at a couple different articles, and it seems like machines can overestimate anywhere between 12-42%, so that's... really unhelpful. Bluh.


I've been kind of idly considering cutting someone out of my life. I don't know if it would help anything, and maybe it wouldn't make a practical difference if I did or didn't do it. Lately it's been feeling like this person contributes nothing of value to my life, though. Anyway, I don't feel like they even care about me enough to notice whether or not I'm there, so it probably doesn't matter what I do. I should make more room in my life for people who actually value me.

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Not as short as I thought this would be [DP]
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Cheese and prunes
Monday, January 11, 2016
Gym time today: 5 hours.
Total this week: 6.5 hours.

Five hours in one day was maybe too much. I did bootcamp this morning, then walked two miles at a 4.5mph speed while my mom was in the locker room (she came with me to the gym and went to do a spin class while I was doing bootcamp). Had a break after that, during which I ate a very early lunch (around 10 AM) and visited a hospice patient.


I've been making quesadillas with some stuff we got from Trader Joe's, and they are super extra delicious, but sadly I used up the tortillas today, so no more quesadillas until we go grocery shopping again. :(
-Chile onion tortillas (My mom thinks these are too spicy, but I think they're great)
-Shredded cheese
-Roasted corn (It comes frozen in bags at Trader Joe's, so I just microwave a handful to put in my quesadilla)


My hospice visit was kind of sad today... I mean, my patient was fine, but her roommate kept saying to me, "Please, please help me go bathroom," and I couldn't, because I'm not staff or a medical professional. I tried twice to ask different staff members if they would come help her, but they both said they would "get someone" and then nobody came for at least ten minutes. The poor old lady said "Please, I don't want to wet the bed," and I just felt terrible for her. Eventually she just tried to get up on her own, and she asked me to help her. She couldn't really walk by herself with ease, but I pushed her walker closer to her, at least. I kept apologizing to her and looking for someone else I could ask to help, but there were no staff around. I'm never going to put my parents in a nursing home if I can help it... The loss of dignity is just horrendous, and the staff were so nonchalant about it all. I guess they probably have to be, to work in that environment, but just... ugh.

Around 5 pm, I went back to the gym for Pilates, CSI, and Total Dance. Pilates was fine, although my lower back felt a little stiff initially. The normal instructor for CSI, and the sub had a way more intense class planned for us, so that was... tough. I was a lot more tired than I expected. I thought I'd only have one intense class (bootcamp) to deal with, and CSI would only be kind of mildly intense as usual, so it wouldn't matter. Welp, so much for that. The dance class also had a sub, and the sub was the Zumba teacher, so... I ended up "doing" Zumba. By which I mean, I followed along as best I could, but there were times I was just staring at the instructor, dumbfounded, unable to conceive of how she was moving her hips like that. I literally have no idea how I would even do some of those things with my body.

My friend joined me for the Zumba class, and she said that she wished there were more skinny instructors, because then maybe we'd have a better model of how our bodies are supposed to move. A fair number of the instructors whose classes I regularly attend are kind of on the thicker side. They're definitely fit, it's just that their body types are... heavier. So when they like, shake their butts and stuff, it's kind of hard to tell how to mimic the movement sometimes because I have no idea what that would look like for my body.

Hadn't seen my gym buddy in awhile, so we chatted after class until the gym closed! It was nice. We're going to another class together tomorrow, and depending on how I feel, maybe I'll try to run a mile and a half or something before class? I dunno. I'm hoping I don't wake up really sore.

I didn't even get to eat dinner until after 10 pm, so I went close to twelve hours between meals today. Probably why I was so hungry when I got home... I had a much bigger portion of spaghetti than I would normally eat, and even then I wasn't full, so I ended up snacking on some cheese and prunes (hence the otherwise irrelevant title of this entry). Thankfully that satisfied me.

Oof. It's been a long day. I should sleep...

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Slow start
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Gym time today: 1.5 hours.
Total this week: 1.5 hours.

Sean and I stayed out a bit late last night, so I didn't feel awake enough to go to spin class at 8:30 this morning, but oh well. I did Bosu Blast and then ran 1.5 miles at an 8:27(?) minute mile speed, and walked the rest. Tried to watch TV on the treadmill this time to make it go quicker, which actually did help. I found out why everybody always seems to be watching either the Food Network, news, or some celebrity gossip channel, though. There aren't a lot of options to choose from. -__- I ended up watching some kids' baking competition on the Food Network. Not really something I was interested in, but eh, better than the other options.

Turns out there's a bootcamp class tomorrow, so I can still go this week if I want! I was bummed about not being able to make it because of my babysitting schedule, but just found out they're offering two a week now, so........... I'm going to try to get enough sleep tonight to go tomorrow. That'll make four classes I want to go to tomorrow, though, so I hope that's not overkill. It'll probably be fine. Since bootcamp is in the morning, and the other three are in the evening, I'll have some time to rest between them.

I'm at the crisis line right now, and my shift was supposed to end fifteen minutes ago, but the next person isn't here yet... I'm going to end here though, just in case they come soon.


Listening to "The Garden" by Cut Chemist again. I found a much more elegant translation of the lyrics (the original vocals are from "Berimbau" as sung by Astrud Gilberto, so the translated lyrics have actually been around awhile).

He who is a good man does not betray
The love that wants the best for him

He who often says he will leave, he does not
As he never leaves, he never arrives

He who does not leave himself
Will die having loved no one

The money of the one who does not give
Is the labor of the one who does not have

A good capoeira never falls
But if one day he falls, he falls well

Capoeira tells me to say he has already arrived,
He has arrived to fight

Berimbau assures me, there will be lovers' quarrel
Such sadness, my friend

The part about "He who does not leave himself/Will die having loved no one" makes me think about a part from The Discovery of Being in which the author discusses how every person is "centered in himself," but we all go out of our centers on occasion to engage with the world and other people.
Our third principle is, thus: all existing person have the need and possibility of going out from their centeredness to participate in other beings. This always involves risk. If the organism goes out too far, it can lose its own centeredness-- its identity [...]

But if the neurotic is so afraid of loss of his own center, conflicted though it be, that he refuses to go out but holds back in rigidity and lives in narrowed reactions and shrunken world space, his growth and development are blocked...

For context:
Neurosis is not to be seen as a deviation from our particular theories of what a person should be. Is not neurosis, rather, precisely the method the individual uses to preserve his own center, his own existence? His symptoms are ways of shrinking the range of his world [...] in order that the centeredness of his existence may be protected from threat, a way of blocking off aspects of the environment that he may then be adequate to the remainder.

I'm reminded of the approach/withdraw lectures my biopsych prof gave us. To approach is human. To withdraw is animal. To fulfill one's potential as a person, one must approach? Withdrawal cuts off the world to preserve the self, but it stagnates growth. I think you do need some kind of outside input to grow. New information, learning, expansion.

I need to go to sleep now so I can do all my gym stuff in the morning.

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Less than expected
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 13 hours.

I only ended up going for spin class because I went to the gym with my mom (she drove) and she didn't want to do more than that. I guess it's fine, though. I was feeling a little tired anyway. And we did weights in spin, so that's... something.

Met up with that guy today. He was nice. We got lunch and chatted and stuff. The conversation flowed pretty consistently the entire time. Maybe we'll hang out again at some point.

After lunch I drove to Fro's house and we called up Sean on Skype (He had to stay home to make sure nobody tried to break into his house...) and all chatted together. It was really nice! I was so happy to see her. I think we're going to try to hang out again with the rest of our friends on Friday night. :D

Sean's going to pick me up so we can go to In-N-Out soon, so I guess I'll end here! (So much socializing today... I'm very tired! But I'm glad I get to spend time with people I care about)

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Lazyyyyy dayyy
Friday, January 8, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 12 hours.

Since my crisis line shift today started at 10:45 am (it's 12:06 pm right now), and the class I wanted to take at the gym this morning was scheduled for 8:30 - 9:30 am, I thought I was only going to have time for like an hour and a half maximum, if I really rushed it. I was considering going there at 7:30 or 8 am so I'd have some time to do other stuff besides the class (If it was an intense class I might not bother, but it was only supposed to be Total Dance, which doesn't count as a workout in my mind). I didn't end up really trying to sleep until almost 1 am though, so I was really sleepy in the morning and didn't want to get up to go earlier... Ended up just going for the one class.

Speaking of that one class, it was supposed to be Total Dance, but the normal instructor (the one whom I'm familiar and comfortable with) wasn't there, and it was this other lady who was like "OKAY WHO'S READY FOR ZUMBA!"

This was pretty much how I was feeling on this inside when she said that:

Anyway, I tried my best to follow along for the first half hour, but I felt super awkward and didn't feel like I was really getting any exercise. I was pretty much doing like low-intensity flailing, honestly. It's hard to put energy into the moves when you don't know how to do them and you can't keep up. I decided to just leave the class and go run on the treadmill instead. I ran... a mile and a half at an 8:34 minute mile speed, then walked to round it out to two miles. It was easier to keep going at that speed, but also really, really boring. I never go on the treadmill long enough to feel like it would be worthwhile to try watching TV on there, so I'm not sure what to do, or if that would even actually help. A lot of the time I just end up staring at the seconds passing for the song I'm listening to. It's... not a great way to kill time.


I liked this from The Discovery of Being, which I've been making my way through at a crippled snail's pace:
If I alone am in despair, I may be upset by it but I can look around at others who are not in despair. That's some comfort. But if everyone is in despair, if society is in radical transition, then we are in despair en masse. Then it is a different thing; we have no north star to steer by. If our anxiety is not blocked by apathy, it tends to move into panic. This very apathy is a defense against the panic which would occur if one really did let oneself feel. We are then in a condition somewhat like Bosch's paintings of hell. Every mooring place is gone, and human beings in droves are herded into the fires. In such times the ontological use of psychological terms represents an endeavor to gain some new basis, some new foundation for our values.

("The ontological use of psychological terms" refers to the tendency by Existentialistists to talk about things like anxiety, despair, will, guilt, and loneliness not as things that we have, but things that we are.)

Obviously, in this passage, it's not a great situation if everyone is panicking, but I don't think it's any better to be apathetic. Maybe it's even worse to be apathetic?

The term will in Nietzsche also refers to a basic feature of our existence. It is potentially present at all times; without it we would not be human beings. The acorn becomes an oak regardless of any choice, but man cannot realize his being except as he wills it in his encounters. In animals and plants, nature and being are one, but in man, nature and being are never to be identified. Nietzsche heaps scorn on those who still suffer under this illusion and who want to live simply according to nature. In Beyond Good and Evil, he cries, "According to nature you want to live? Oh, you noble stoics. What deceptive words these are. Imagine a being like nature, wasteful beyond measure, indifferent beyond measure, without purpose and consideration, without mercy and justice, fertile and desolate and uncertain at the same time. Imagine indifference itself as a power. How could you live according to this indifference?" Human values are not given us by nature but are set for us as tasks to be achieved.

I find this sort of stuff motivating! I want to realize my being, and grow into what I can. I am working on achieving my tasks, as I have been for the past few years, but there's always plenty more to do. And I want to be a mooring place for other people. Someone they can steady themselves against when they feel overwhelmed. I don't want to be afraid to truly feel, and I don't want to slip into "self-satisfied placidity" (another phrase from the book I liked). I want to be happy with whom I am, but never to the point where I don't feel like I could be better. So far so good!

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Thursday, January 7, 2016
I have an early morning crisis line shift today, so no gym yet, but I'll get to it. I think I'll try Turbo Kick tonight! Sadly I don't think extra gym time is going to help enough with all the Goldfish I've been eating, but oh well... I guess I'll try to focus on the strength-building part of it more than the weight loss part right now. >.>

That bird Tumblr I mentioned in the last entry has a list of gift ideas for bird lovers, and it is full of magical and wondrous things. I wish I'd found it before Christmas, that would have made things a lot easier.


So much cute stuff.

...I miss my birds...


Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 11 hours.

My mom got a Groupon for my gym, so she went with me today, and we did Pilates together. After that I went to the Turbo Kick class, but the instructor was feeling kind of down because her dog is really sick, so she kind of modified it. My mom tried to run on the treadmill while I was in class, and she wasn't done by the time I got out, so I went on the elliptical for about ten minutes. It said I burned 100 calories but I'll assume it wasn't really that much. This article says that ellipticals tend to overestimate how much you've burned by 42% (!!!!), so like... maybe I'll just assume I only burned like 50 calories. That's pretty lame.

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