You all are WRONG.
Monday. 12.25.06 3:20 am
Merry Christmas, from Scrooge the Grinch.
I doubt any of y'all will ever guess what my middle name is. So, I will antie it up to 20 pps. But I'm not going to dote over it, so just guess at your leisure.
You know you've been from your family too long when you're having christmas eve dinner and the table is quiet. At one point me and my cousin were going to share a leg. He made the joke that I could have the bone half. I laughed. I then said "Speaking of bone, how's Bone (my grampa's dog)?" The table gets quietter and more uncomfortable. My aunt gives me the thumbs down. My cousins stare down at their plate. My grampa in the most stoic voice I have ever heard from such an animated man, says "He's dead... He got ran over... I couldn't let go of his body for three days..." My grandma then starts to change the conversation. I also get EXTREMELY uncomfortable and start making stupid jokes about the food and mumbling something or another... Somehow after a few more depressing comments from my grandpa the conversation moved on...
I lost it. I've lost that connection. How did I do that? Was it me? Is it them? They have girlfriends now. My cousins. They didn't tell me about them. I was the one that brought it up. Even after a few questions they didn't feel like opening up. Since when did they feel so astranged to me?
I hate Christmas. I'm going to grow old and alone. On purpose.
Zanzibar, I don't know how I feel about your comment.
I'm sure you don't either.
Wednesday. 12.20.06 10:38 am
Like a scared little child, I walked down the school's sidewalk looking for my ride. I glanced to my sides as I usually do when I'm nervous. Near one of the school's entrance I caught a glimpse of a short giggly dark brown haired girl. She was in glee over something or another. But the mere shape of her body cast fear in me. I sped up as I walked past her. I then heard her stop laughing as I saw another shadow follow my own. I knew that shadow anywhere. I began to try to run. I couldn't. I knew it was inevitable. I stopped.
She remained in the rest of my dream...
Never ever really left alone, huh?
"Can you pretend I'm amazing?" Everyone keeps talking to me as if I'm being over dramatic or that I don't let things go and so on. I tried. I tried beyond all reason. (Literally.) These thoughts that plague are here to stay. I feel like Russel Crowe in A Beautiful Mind; Having to learn to live with my insanity, with these imaginary people who no one else sees. Andrew understands me as I understand him. This isn't something normal. We've been looking for hope somewhere else. Maybe that wasn't the end. But it was. We won't find another. We can't love another. Once we fall in love, that's it. Wish we had known ahead of time, though...
I thought things could work between me and Robyn. But in the end, I just wasn't enough for her. I don't know if things could have worked. I doubt I could have ever loved her as much as I've loved before. But I thought it could have worked. But that wasn't a choice, I guess. Whatever it is that God is putting me and Andrew through, it's not fun and we wish we knew what it was.
"How did I get here?, the little boy who'd argue with a tree!"
Stop haunting me Nicole Michelle Melman...
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