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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Passive Aggressive Notes
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Gym time today: 3 hours.
Total this week: 14 hours.

Yay! I made it to 14 hours! I did spin class and Body Blast in the morning with my friend, then we stared at parakeets, got bagels, and chatted. Went home, ate a banana, took a nap, went back to the gym, ran a mile (7:30 minute mile pace; I didn't feel like I was dying afterward!), walked two miles, went on the Stairmaster. I think that last hour at the gym probably burned off most (all?) of the breakfast bagel sandwich I had in the morning.

When I got home, I took a shower, and right as I finished, this fly flew into the shower. I smashed it with a bodywash bottle when it got close to me. Then I looked at it and had this thought, like "what if this was a person I knew, and they got turned into a fly, and they were trying to tell me, but I just killed them?"

But well, they really shouldn't have been peeping on me in the shower in that scenario, so I don't feel much regret.

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Something something gym update
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Gym time today: 3.5 hours.
Total this week: 11 hours.

Three classes (Bosu Blast, Pilates, Turbo Kick) today, ran a mile (8:13 minute mile pace again), walked two (one at 4.5mph with a level 4 incline, one at 4.3mph). Body still a bit sore from the past couple days. Gonna take it easy tomorrow, maybe only go for an hour and only run or do Stairmaster? Need to let my legs recover.

I feel like I have made a new friend from OKC, but we'll see how things go. He is also very nice, like that other guy was, but in a way I feel more comfortable with. It's not that the other guy seemed inauthentic, but it felt more... shallowly positive? Like, not the kind of nice you want to pour your heart out to, I guess. I told this new friend a lot of stuff when I was feeling down the other night and it was nice to feel like someone was listening. A few emoticons and words of sympathy can make such a difference.

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Wednesday, January 20, 2016
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Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Gym time today: 1.5 hours.
Total this week: 7.5 hours.

So I originally planned to do two classes, CSI and Body Blast, this morning, but when I woke up I was fairly sore from yesterday (Bootcamp is srs bsns!), so I figured I'd just do Pilates this morning instead. Welp, I went into the gym and Pilates was full, so I ran a mile and a half (8:20 minute mile pace again) and walked half a mile, then did Body Blast. The instructor who teaches the intense Body Blast class was there this morning, so... that was... tiring. I'm not sure it was a good idea to do an intense class last night and an intense one this morning.

Regardless, I get a long break between this morning's class and tomorrow evening's classes, so hopefully that's enough time for my body to recover.

Other than that, I babysat again today. No therapy, because my therapist had to cancel for emergency reasons. We rescheduled for Friday. Also have my call with my client coming up tonight...

I just feel kind of off today. Don't remember my dreams last night, but I woke up feeling sad, and the feeling hasn't really passed.

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Late entry today!
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Gym time today: 1.5 hours.
Total this week: 6 hours.

I had a very long day! I was supposed to babysit this morning at 9, and my alarm didn't go off, so I woke up at 8:54..............

Got dressed as fast as I could and drove over to the house where I was babysitting, apologized profusely, spent the next six hours entertaining a baby.

Also ate a granola bar and a banana as my makeshift breakfast there. And bought a couple salmon musubis from a grocery store when I took the baby out for a walk. Oh, and also a mini melon pan. But that was about it.

Finished at 3:30 pm, then quickly drove over to visit a hospice patient. Patient was sleeping. Phew. Stayed around, called the patient's name, patient didn't wake up.

Went home. Ate some sort of trail mix bar. Drove to the gym.

BOOTCAMP. I guess I didn't eat enough again, because I just didn't have the energy to do a lot of the exercises consistently for the whole time. :\ I felt really tired, and I felt bad that I didn't do more during the class, so I stayed an extra half hour and went on the Stairmaster for awhile, then ran a mile and walked one. Only an 8:20 minute mile pace today because of low energy.

Got home. Dad got dinner for me from Whole Foods. Yayyy, not having to make anything for myself. Ate dinner, went to Sean's house. Sat and talked with him while he browsed Tumblr and showed me stuff. He also played Diablo III briefly, and man, he is ridiculously overpowered in that game. He wiped out a boss in one hit. It was RIDICULOUS. So yeah, hanging out with him was cool. He's going back to school soon, so I probably won't be seeing him for quite awhile, but hopefully he keeps in touch.

It's 11:26 pm now. Just barely got my daily entry in.

Tomorrow's going to be another longish day... Gym in the morning (hopefully), then babysitting, therapy, then my call with my client. Not as long as today, at least. I really hope I have more energy for the gym tomorrow...

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Disappointed [Ask]
Monday, January 18, 2016
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Lazy again today :( [2P]
Sunday, January 17, 2016
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Skipped a day
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Gym time today: 1.5 hours.
Total this week: 11 hours.

Too busy yesterday to go to the gym. :( I stayed up well past 3 AM finishing my application essay for grad school, then went to bed... and right around when I fell asleep, some dude messaged me eighteen times in ten minutes on OKC. It woke me up and I was like "wtf, who is messaging me at 3:43 AM." Silenced my tablet after the first ten messages or so and went back to sleep, then looked at them in the morning. Eighteen messages. Why. Whyyyyyy. -__-

Umm... had babywork at 8:45 AM, so I didn't get to sleep much, but I left early (around 11 AM) to go home and sleep for a little before my crisis line shift... And School Alex picked me up from my shift to go hang out with my friends. We ended up hanging out until past midnight... So yeah... long day yesterday...

Today was less busy. I didn't make it to my regular gym classes this morning because I had writing group, but that was okay I guess. I didn't have a piece for writing group because I was so focused on just writing my application essay the past few days, but I wrote something for our in-meeting exercise, and it was okay.

Came home... ate food... played some dumb match-three game for an unreasonable amount of time... napped for a little bit... Then went to the gym.

Not having slept much in the past couple days, I felt kind of tired and out of it, but I ran two miles and walked one, then went on the Stairmaster for about half an hour. Used some of the weight machines while I was cooling down from that, then walked another mile. According to the machines I burned ~700 calories, but assuming they were at least 20% off, it was probably closer to 560 (or lower?). I guess that's not too bad for an hour and a half though, I dunno.

I want to see if I can run 3.5 miles again but I've been far too tired the past few days to manage it. :(


At the crisis line, there are some callers who have been calling for years. Some of them are friendly and appreciative, but others are very abrasive and angry. The ones in the latter category call and talk about the same things over and over again. They never seem to reach any resolution, and it's not clear if they even feel better by the end of the call, after all their ranting. My supervisor says that they must be getting something out of calling, because otherwise it wouldn't make sense for them to keep doing it. I don't know what they're getting from ranting at strangers on the phone so much, but I think she is probably right. I don't know what goes on in these people's lives after they hang up the phone, but maybe they do feel a bit better once they've let off some steam. Perhaps they are able to have more normal social interactions once they get out their aggression with the crisis line. I don't think that it's likely that they act the way they do on the line 100% of the time in their daily lives. The line, after all, is for crises. Thinking about this helps me be more patient with callers.

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