Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 10.5 hours.

So I had babywork this morning, but it was super easy because we only had three babies to watch in my room, and three kids between two people is pretty manageable for only two and a half hours.

Went home, ate, napped, drove to a Thai restaurant for my friend Gwenny's birthday. Thai food is among my least favorite cuisines ever, so I was pretty much just going for her... But the dish I got wasn't terrible. If I was forced to go to a Thai restaurant I'd probably get it again if it was offered.

Drove home, quickly changed, went to the gym! Kind of a light day today. I felt tired kind of easily, so maybe I'm not fully recovered from donating blood. Only ran a mile (8 minute mile pace) and walked one (4mph, with various inclines), then went on the Stairmaster and set a target goal of 350 calories (so about half an hour). Ended up using the rails on the Stairmaster because I just felt tired... So... yeah... A very low effort day.

My friend Esther invited me to go to a billiard hall, so I went there after the gym and met her friend. I don't play pool, so mostly I just watched and chatted with Esther and her friend.

Yesterday I hung out with Esther too, in the evening. We got ice cream with the Pint for a Pint Baskin Robbins coupons I had from donating blood, then watched an episode of How We Got to Now in her room. She has a very cute budgie who ran around on the bed with us while we were sitting there.

I'm excited for tomorrow! Going up to San Francisco to meet up with this dude I've been online friends with for a few years, for his birthday. It's at a foodtruck park! And of course, since I get stupidly excited about foodtrucks, I am buzzing with anticipation.

---

It's funny, you know, I feel like I write about my day-to-day life on here a lot more these days, but I think I'm still leaving a lot out. Or well, not a lot in terms of quantity, but some significant things? Sometimes I mention them briefly, but without much detail. I guess it's hard to write about those things.

"It Can't Come Quickly Enough" by Scissor Sisters.

It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated

Skyscrapers rise between us
Keeping me from finding you
If the concrete architecture
Disappeared there'd be so few
Of us left to navigate and
Defend ourselves from the tide
It's an underground illusion
Tricking you from side to side

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Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 8 hours.

I really liked the way that Diesel Sweeties described the difference between friends and best friends in this comic.

I need to babysit soon, so I can't write much yet, but I wanted to start this entry because I was reading about ontological guilt in The Discovery of Being and I found it interesting.

May talks about the three different types of ontological guilt:
1. Guilt from "forfeiting one's own potentialities."
2. "...Guilt against one's fellows, arising from the fact that since each of us is an individual, each necessarily perceives his fellow man through his own limited and biased eyes. This means that he always to some extent does violence to the true picture of his fellow man and always to some extent fails fully to understand and meet the other's needs. This is not a question of moral failure or slackness-- though it can indeed be greatly increased by lack of moral sensitivity. It is an inescapable result of the fact that each of us is a separate individuality and has no choice but to look at the world through his own eyes."
3. "'Separation guilt' in relation to nature as a whole."

I feel like the first type is pretty familiar to most people. They know they could do more with their lives, but they don't, and they make up a lot of excuses to cover that up. They say "I can't" when it's really "I won't" and then they accuse you of being insensitive if you try to talk about how they have more control than they want to accept. People don't like to be blamed for the things that go wrong in their lives. Of course they don't. But I think we often go overboard in our attempts to make people comfortable, and people end up existing in these... sort of cocoons of illusion. They see all these limitations on themselves that don't necessarily exist outside of their minds, and they treat them like concrete realities. I have been imagining it this way:

A person sits inside a closed cardboard box. They complain that the box is small and cramped and it's uncomfortable in there. From outside, another person says "Why don't you just stretch out? You don't have to stay in the box. I think you are stronger than it and can break it open if you want to." The person inside the box doesn't see the box as cardboard, because it's dark in there. They feel the walls and say "No, it feels very solid, I think I'm trapped in here. I can't get out. You don't understand."

And then both people end up frustrated. Obviously in my example, the person on the outside is clearly right, and it's not always that way in real life, but it ends up feeling that way to me a lot. The box may be fairly thick and not super easy to break, and maybe the person doesn't know how to use full force because they've spent so long curled up in there, but still, in the end, I think they can get out of the box with enough effort. Maybe not on the first try, maybe not on the fiftieth try, but it is possible.

I remember seeing mental limitations as very concrete before. I think my experiences at St. John's put some cracks in that, though. It was stressful to realize how unlimited things really were, and it's taken me a few years (six years??) to adjust to the new perspective, but things just... feel better. And I feel like I'm fulfilling more of my potential and I don't have as hard a time interacting with people and life and just... yeah. More responsibility, more risk, but more reward.

Song I've been listening to lately to wrap things up:

"Intruder/(Oh) Pretty Woman" by Van Halen.

(Been listening to more classic rock lately because of the radio)

---Edit---

Did Bootcamp tonight, then ran 2.5 miles (8 minute mile pace with a level 1 incline) and walked almost three miles (~4mph, with various inclines). I felt really tired during Bootcamp and struggled to do all the exercises, so I ran/walked afterwards so today would be more productive. Treadmill said I burned 500 calories. Will take that as 400.

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Gym time today: 3.5 hours.
Total this week: 6 hours.

Today was long. I went to visit a hospice patient, and ended up just chatting with her while she sat on a commode... She wanted me to stand there to make sure nobody would come and make her sit outside her room... And then she spent the better part of an hour putting lotion on while she sat there... I was glad to be able to provide her with some company (She said several times that she was very grateful that I was there and she wished I could visit every day), but I felt a little awkward about it. I felt like I was invading her privacy, but I guess she didn't care...

Didn't have much time between that and my babysitting gig today, so I quickly got a few snacky things from an Indian grocery store (paneer pakora and aloo tikki, yum yum) and ate those around 11:30ish.

Babysat for three hours. This was the third time I've sorta babysat this particular kid, and it went better this time, I guess. It pays much better than my other babysitting gig, but I'm much more fond of the other kid. The mother of the kid I babysat today has a very... permissive parenting style, so the kid doesn't clean up after herself and doesn't really take "no" for an answer...

Went home... found out my mom bought raspberries... ate a bunch of raspberries and drank some water. I was super tired and I thought it might be because I was dehydrated (I hadn't had anything to drink until then, so, like, within the 6+ hours I'd been awake).

Waited around, answered a message or two on OKC.

Hit the gym! (Of course)

Pilates, CSI, and Total Dance today. I also ran two miles (8 minute mile pace) and walked half a mile between Pilates and CSI because there was a half hour break. I guess I probably could have run longer, but it was not very appealing to do so. I contemplated going on the Stairmaster for half an hour after Total Dance, because I felt kind of bad about eating a whole pizza and chocolate cake and stuff yesterday, but I didn't end up doing it... Thought it would be better to take it easy since Bootcamp is tomorrow.

It's strange that I sort of look forward to Bootcamp because it's one of the only classes that feels like real exercise. Even though I don't have real fitness goals or anything, I like doing hard classes because it makes me feel like I'm being productive. Sometimes in like, Pilates and dance classes, I'm like "What are we even doing? This is just like, waving our arms around, and it's not even hard" and then I feel like I should run and/or do the Stairmaster to make up for it.

---

Lately this guy I've been online friends with for a few years has been casually inviting me to different activities, and I'd like to take him up on one of those offers, I think. He is a very interesting dude! We don't talk super often, but I can't think of a boring conversation I've had with him. More surprising to me is that he thinks I contribute more to our friendship than he does. I feel like when we talk he always has some cool new thing to tell me about, and all I do is talk about the dumb guys I interact with. I guess he thinks that's an interesting thing, though. :S Unfortunately he lives in San Francisco, so it's sort of troublesome for me to visit (he's not near the train station from what I can recall), which is why we haven't met up in the several years we've been talking. Maybe soon, though?

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Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 2.5 hours.

Starting over for the week. Did spin class, ran a mile (8:06 minute mile pace), walked a mile, did Bosu Blast.

I might stop working with my client soon. I'm getting really tired of him and it doesn't pay enough to make me feel like it's worth it anymore. He tried to offer me more money, but I don't know. I just really don't like him.

Right now I'm at the crisis line, and I'm getting dinner with a friend after my shift is over. That should be nice...

Oh, and I bought a portable air conditioner from IndieGogo. >_>

---Edit---

I meant to mention this before... I really liked the most recent Monsterkind comic.

284

It has a good message about support... Being there consistently for someone makes a big difference. It's not about always having some insightful thing to say, or fixing anything. It's just about being there, and letting the person know they don't have to face things alone. Being there whether or not they want to talk about it. That consistency means so much.

Also, this Louis CK quote:

New friend mentioned this to me, and I thought it was absolutely perfect.

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Gym time today: 3 hours.
Total this week: 14 hours.

Yay! I made it to 14 hours! I did spin class and Body Blast in the morning with my friend, then we stared at parakeets, got bagels, and chatted. Went home, ate a banana, took a nap, went back to the gym, ran a mile (7:30 minute mile pace; I didn't feel like I was dying afterward!), walked two miles, went on the Stairmaster. I think that last hour at the gym probably burned off most (all?) of the breakfast bagel sandwich I had in the morning.

When I got home, I took a shower, and right as I finished, this fly flew into the shower. I smashed it with a bodywash bottle when it got close to me. Then I looked at it and had this thought, like "what if this was a person I knew, and they got turned into a fly, and they were trying to tell me, but I just killed them?"

But well, they really shouldn't have been peeping on me in the shower in that scenario, so I don't feel much regret.

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Gym time today: 3.5 hours.
Total this week: 11 hours.

Three classes (Bosu Blast, Pilates, Turbo Kick) today, ran a mile (8:13 minute mile pace again), walked two (one at 4.5mph with a level 4 incline, one at 4.3mph). Body still a bit sore from the past couple days. Gonna take it easy tomorrow, maybe only go for an hour and only run or do Stairmaster? Need to let my legs recover.

I feel like I have made a new friend from OKC, but we'll see how things go. He is also very nice, like that other guy was, but in a way I feel more comfortable with. It's not that the other guy seemed inauthentic, but it felt more... shallowly positive? Like, not the kind of nice you want to pour your heart out to, I guess. I told this new friend a lot of stuff when I was feeling down the other night and it was nice to feel like someone was listening. A few emoticons and words of sympathy can make such a difference.

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