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Memores acti prudentes futuri


She said it was all make believe
but I thought she said maple leaves
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories― if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
So much for the study group
Thursday, November 13, 2014
A few friends and I were supposed to get together for a study group for a test we have, but while we were waiting for someone who never showed up we ended up just talking about life and such and it sort of turned into a support group instead. Maybe that's just what happens when your friends are psych students.

In any case I really needed it. I got to talk to Kyle a bit about some of the stuff that's going on with me but we didn't get to everything. Plus I was glad to hear about my friends' lives. Both of them are pretty good listeners and they care a lot about me and had some good points to make about what I said.

I'm really grateful to have them in my life and I still think that regardless of what happened before this point, it's all okay because everything that I've been through has led me to a spot in my life that I really appreciate. It isn't that things are perfect or I couldn't be suffering less or something, but what I have now is good and if I had to go through some not-so-good things to get here that's fine.

Getting other people's perspective and feedback on stuff is invaluable and I'm so glad we were able to chat tonight, even if we didn't study. The test will probably be easy anyway...

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Peep peep
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Kyle: also this guys eyes always kind of creep me out
Me: Hahaha
Me: Yeah I guess the uh... part that shows before you press play looks creepy.
Kyle: i dunno, its creepy the whole video. i think its how open they are.
Me: Other people have pointed that out.
Me: And some people say he never blinks.
Kyle: i hadn't noticed that but maybe it contributes to the feeling.
Kyle: its what i would imagine if i was a hot MILF changing in my bedroom and caught someone looking through my window

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Has this been on the radio much?
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
I feel like I've heard this a lot but I don't know where it could be from if not the radio. Never really paid attention to the lyrics before because it just sounded kind of anthem-ish, but they're sort of interesting.

I didn't know I was broken till I wanted to change

I finally got to have a real conversation with Kyle for the first time in... I don't know how long it's been. Months? Too long. It was really nice. I hope we can talk again soon. There were a couple things I wanted to discuss that I didn't get around to. Mostly we talk about our lives and compare experiences, but it's comforting to have someone who's known you for a long time to talk to catch up with.

This isn't related to that but I was thinking about something I heard(?) somewhere about how nobody thinks of themselves as evil, and everybody is just doing what they think is good/the right course of action. And I guess the idea of evil just springs from the contrast between what different people think is good? There wasn't a lot to this train of thought, just wanted to mention it.

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WYL, WYSF [4P]
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Difference, sameness, continuity
Thursday, November 6, 2014
On my bike ride home (I guess I do a lot of my thinking when I'm riding my bike) I was thinking about changing as a person. Well, specifically, how I've changed myself as a person intentionally and unintentionally.

I guess in most ways I think that if I'm truly dedicated to a change and I can convince myself it's important, I can make the change. (I don't know if that's true or not but it's how I've seen it for a long time) Maybe it takes time, but I feel like it's generally not an impossible feat.

Anyway, I was thinking about personality malleability and about time and how I like to say I'm a new person every moment. I guess because I tend to think of time in erm... like a bunch of stills rather than a video? Like this:

(This is from a music video by Nagi Noda that was featured at the EMP Museum. I don't like the music but the imagery was interesting)

...Where it's the "same" subject but you're seeing them in multiple moments at the same time. So it's like, for every instant, there's a copy of the subject, and it is the subject but it's also different and not the same as the previous instant. I've probably mentioned this before, it's something I think about a fair amount.

So yeah, all that. And this relates to malleability because I guess my thinking was that being inflexible/rigid, not changing, sort of implies sameness, but I don't have that sense of sameness about myself because I view "myself" as a ton of different ermmm stills that somehow just share this sense of continuity from one moment to the next. And it's weird I guess, to think of myself as being the "same" person all the time. Like I really have no idea why I'm the "same" person that I was when I was five or something. In the sense that I have a shared identity with that previous incarnation, I mean. Same name and so forth. People talking about being "a new person" or "not the same" as they used to be but they still have some continuous sense of identity despite that.

And I was thinking about bodies and cell turnover and how you get a new skeleton every... what is it, like seven years? Something like that, I don't feel like looking it up. And I guess it's kind of like you just have a whole new body after awhile. Except for neurons maybe? But some of those die and you do make some new ones, despite what everybody said when I was younger and my friend and I used to poke each other in the head and yell "I JUST KILLED A THOUSAND OF YOUR BRAIN CELLS!"

So like, your body isn't the same at any given moment, and your personality changes somewhat over time, and yeah, back to what I was saying before, you have this feeling like you're a single continuous entity, and that's weird to me even though I experience it too. But I was wondering why that sense of continuity is there, and what it even is. If your body dies and regenerates all the time then it can't be just a bodily thing, obviously, but I don't know why it would really be an entirely mental thing either because that doesn't just exist in a static state either.

And then there's that whole "essence" idea, like the "essence" of a person isn't contained in their body, and it's sorta mental in a way even though you don't feel the same way at all times, but it's also kind of not really a mental thing. Preferences change, feelings change, thought patterns change... And maybe you get severe dementia and you just totally change, but you're still the "same" person supposedly. And I feel like at that point the essence can't be mentally based because your personality and mental processes could be entirely different. Where is identity located? If you're brain-dead people will still call you by the same name and say you're the same person, but that kind of suggests that identity is a bodily thing, which, well, I think most everyone would say isn't the case. Plus I already talked about how bodies don't stay the same...

So the essence, the continuity, I guess that's what some people would call the soul, maybe? And I kind of believe in it and I kind of don't. Like I said before, I do experience some sense of identity/existence continuity, but the idea also seems pretty much bonkers to me half the time. At this point in my life I'm pretty much apatheistic, or agnostic-atheist if you really pushed me, but in any case I don't really feel like there's anything of us that lives on after death. Not from a first person point of view, anyway. So that's not the kind of soul I believe in. But yeah, I feel uncertain about the soul in the sense of continuity too.

Identity is sort of passed along, isn't it? By all the incarnations of yourself. So it's kind of like a package that's being handed down the line of all the yous in time, and it's not something inherent to any of the particular incarnations. And hm... I guess different yous add to it and society adds to it but even though it belongs to you it's also kind of separate from you and not really part of you, at least in this analogy. Identity is weird. And it's related to continuity but continuity is just... a part of identity? Or maybe it's close but actually something separate...? I'm not sure.

That's about as far I got with all this because my bike ride home is only fifteen minutes or so and there's only so much musing I can do in that time. I'm not really sure if all this makes sense to anyone else, kind of just wanted to get my thoughts out there since this is my personal blog and all. :P

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In a surprise turn of events
Thursday, November 6, 2014
I feel pretty great!

When I was driving home from the crisis line tonight I generally just felt good, and Daft Punk came on the radio and it wasn't even a song that I like that much but I just felt like dancing to it, and I didn't because I was driving and I'm not stupid but yeah.

Maybe I'll be able to finish everything I have to do tomorrow after all!

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So I don't really like this song, but...
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
I feel like it has a really interesting theme.


Ooh I love my ugly boy
So rough and tough
Don't care about anything but me
Yes I just love him cause he's so crazy
Just crazy about me

Ugly on the skin
But you're lovely from within
An angel kiss from me to you
Always there for me when I'm feelin' blue
You say you'll stick with me and I know you will
I just get so emotional
When I'm down and feeling weak
With tears streaming down my cheeks
You say the sweetest things
Like material stuff don't mean a thing
But you take care of me to keep you safe


That idea that a guy who's unattractive will love you more, try harder, be more supportive etc. isn't really openly discussed too much, I think. I mean it's sort of implied in some contexts but you really don't hear people saying it. Usually people just say things like "beauty is skin deep" and that you should "love someone for who they are" and so on. Basically, don't be shallow. But then people get caught up in that and try not to let physical attraction factor in much at all, when it's not something you can really ignore (mostly, anyway).

---

Bleh, so much to do.

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Anything in my life [4P]
Monday, November 3, 2014
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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