How this will end
Tuesday. 1.2.07 5:28 am
You already know...
Pep talks with Moe rawk.
Feeling like this year's biggest idiot is beyond welcomed to me. Anyone can encourage, my friends. It takes a friend of true character and value to say things like they are, no games or pats on the back or nothin'! I often need people to point out the things I think I see to know that they're real. In specific faults and problems.
I've always had this constant fear that I'm crazy or mentally retarded or something. Once as a child, I convinced myself that there was this big conspiracy and that's why people often treated me so nicely. I didn't think I should of been treated worse or anything. I guess I just thought people were too fake, and figured it was because it had to do with me. Even when I was around 15 or so, I remembered that I used to go to a counselor at school in Wisconsin and I decided to ask my mom about it. She said it was because they wanted to make sure I got aclimated to such a drastic change (from being born in Mexico, to living in a borded town of Texas, to less-than-a-thousand-people Green Lake Wisconsin). But I still thought I was insane and that everyone pretended I wasn't so I wouldn't get upset or go crazier or something... I was an odd child, huh?
So, nevertheless, to this day I often feel the need for someone to point out what it is that I see, so I make sure I'm not nuts. Moe does that perfectly. Heck, she goes beyond that. My favorite moment was when she was speaking entirely too loudly in Walmart about some incidents that happened. Heck, I'll say it. Sex that I had with someone that I shouldn't have had. It was a ridiculously stupid thing. Heck stupid is WAY of an understatement. Well, as she spoke of all of this, quite upset at me, in loud tones, I kept getting nervous and embarassed. Later we went to a gas station, I asked her not to do it again. She said she wouldn't, but "Here's a thought, if you can't speak of it in public, it's probably an indecent deed you did." And then it hit me. ...duh. If you can't talk about it in public, you shouldn't do it. Something I already knew, but forgot.
There's a hole in my head, I know it! Everything I know, everything I've learned, my memories, my LIFE... leak out.
Leaving the shadows behind
Friday. 12.29.06 4:10 am
nightinthesky (2:28:06 AM): How am I crazy?
nightinthesky (2:28:11 AM): Other than the usual obvious
NeverDesdemona(2:28:15 AM): I like how you tell other people things before you tell me.
nightinthesky (2:28:33 AM): Because I knew I would have to explain everything to you.
nightinthesky (2:28:40 AM): I didn't explain anything to Meghan
nightinthesky (2:29:12 AM): All I said is that "I realized that I'm in an abusive relationship with Robyn."
NeverDesdemona (2:29:43 AM): oh. so you were feeling LAZY.
NeverDesdemona (2:29:48 AM): I understand. Great logic.
nightinthesky (2:29:53 AM): no
nightinthesky (2:29:59 AM): I COULDN'T explain
nightinthesky (2:30:02 AM): I didn't have time.
nightinthesky (2:30:04 AM): I'm telling you
NeverDesdemona (2:30:07 AM): I'm being dreadly sarcastic, not literal, you oaf.
nightinthesky (2:30:09 AM): it was the night before my family came in
NeverDesdemona (2:30:24 AM): I'm still perturbed. But I'm not being literal.
nightinthesky (2:30:39 AM): I didn't have time.
NeverDesdemona (2:30:55 AM): mhm.
NeverDesdemona (2:31:20 AM): Complete strangers seem to have more time for me nowadays. Hopefully it won't become an everyday thing.
nightinthesky (2:33:06 AM): Look, I'm sorry. But if I didn't care I wouldn't even be up now.
nightinthesky (2:33:28 AM): I have to wake up in a few hours. I'm not like you. I need large amounts of sleep.
nightinthesky (2:33:44 AM): But I try my hardest to cut time out
nightinthesky (2:33:46 AM): you know I do
nightinthesky (2:33:49 AM): you should know I do
NeverDesdemona (2:33:53 AM): How courteous of you. Don't lose any hours on my account.
nightinthesky (2:34:04 AM): Don't get sassy.
NeverDesdemona (2:34:16 AM): Too late. And very cute of you try and tell ME what to do.
nightinthesky (2:34:43 AM): Look, I'm just sayin, I'm making an effort.
NeverDesdemona (2:34:58 AM): Mhm.
nightinthesky (2:35:37 AM): How come I understood you when you were busy in New Orleans, but you can NEVER understand ME when you're here?
NeverDesdemona (2:36:26 AM): Because I'm here. And even when I'm away I still make efforts to let you know what going on with me. I don't drag things out and I say them because I am compelled to, not out of obligation.
NeverDesdemona (2:36:44 AM): And I didn't just read your nutang while I was there, before you messaged me on myspace I was reading it in fact.
NeverDesdemona (2:36:48 AM): I make DAILY
NeverDesdemona (2:36:50 AM): EFFORTS
NeverDesdemona (2:37:00 AM): because I know in less than a year
NeverDesdemona (2:37:06 AM): things are going to change all the more
NeverDesdemona (2:37:09 AM): dramatically.
nightinthesky (2:37:10 AM): You didn't drag anything out of me. I'm not compelled to out of obligation either.
NeverDesdemona (2:37:11 AM): so to speak.
nightinthesky (2:37:19 AM): and I know that
nightinthesky (2:37:24 AM): you think I don't know that?
NeverDesdemona (2:37:33 AM): I said COMPELLED. Being positive. Obligations being negative.
nightinthesky (2:37:33 AM): I've known that for years not
NeverDesdemona (2:37:36 AM): Don't mix the two of them up.
nightinthesky (2:37:41 AM): now*
NeverDesdemona (2:37:45 AM): You sure don't act like it.
nightinthesky (2:37:49 AM): lol
nightinthesky (2:37:51 AM): I do
nightinthesky (2:38:01 AM): that's why I distance myself just a little
nightinthesky (2:38:10 AM): I've had enough people leave my life
NeverDesdemona (2:38:25 AM): that's a cop out.
nightinthesky (2:38:25 AM): I know how to cushion the blow
NeverDesdemona (2:38:28 AM): And it doesn't work.
nightinthesky (2:38:32 AM): it does
nightinthesky (2:38:38 AM): for me
NeverDesdemona (2:38:47 AM): At whose expense.
NeverDesdemona (2:38:55 AM): Selfish prig.
NeverDesdemona (2:39:02 AM): not pig.
NeverDesdemona (2:39:04 AM): PRIG.
nightinthesky (2:39:36 AM): Maybe, but the last few times I haven't been, I've thought of ending my life at the end of it. So, it may just well be worth it.
NeverDesdemona (2:40:13 AM): Ending your life would be the absolute most selfish thing you could do. It'd just be owning to God that time.
NeverDesdemona (2:40:20 AM): of just how selfish humans are.
NeverDesdemona (2:40:56 AM): I know I am. I hate that other people know what's going on with you before I do. I'm generous with every other aspect of my life, whether by birth or by personal choice, all except for my friends.
NeverDesdemona (2:41:05 AM): I am unapologetically, viciously possessive.
nightinthesky (2:42:04 AM): What if I told you that I don't feel that special to you anymore?
nightinthesky (2:42:28 AM): Not becuase you do anything to show/say or anything like that, but just because.
NeverDesdemona (2:42:39 AM): Then that's not my fault, now is it?
NeverDesdemona (2:42:49 AM): How about if I told you that I'm not surprised in the least.
nightinthesky (2:42:48 AM): probably not
NeverDesdemona (2:42:56 AM): You've been moping for more than a year.
nightinthesky (2:43:13 AM): I know...
nightinthesky (2:43:20 AM): I want it to stop.
nightinthesky (2:43:23 AM): I don't know how.
NeverDesdemona (2:43:45 AM): Well, you're not helping yourself out at all.
NeverDesdemona (2:43:56 AM): Especially when it comes to me, if you think that I don't value you anymore.
nightinthesky (2:44:15 AM): It's because I don't value myself. I know it.
NeverDesdemona (2:44:26 AM): Trying to "distance" yourself and all that poppycock will do you no good, none at all, I don't care what you say.
NeverDesdemona (2:44:30 AM): It's just an excuse.
NeverDesdemona (2:44:34 AM): Stop excusing yourself.
nightinthesky (2:44:50 AM): I'm not trying to.
nightinthesky (2:44:57 AM): I just don't know what to do.
NeverDesdemona (2:45:16 AM): Well stop copping out.
NeverDesdemona (2:45:21 AM): for starters.
NeverDesdemona (2:45:30 AM): You're not going to cop out of this friendship by "distancing" yourself.
NeverDesdemona (2:45:48 AM): Because if you do too good of a job, I will grow irrevoccably impatient and forget all about you for my own sake.
NeverDesdemona (2:45:54 AM): that's not what I would ever WANT to do
NeverDesdemona (2:46:05 AM): but I will do it if you leave me with no other option.
NeverDesdemona (2:46:19 AM): And I will do it as if I had been doing it all along. It's in my nature.
nightinthesky (2:46:34 AM): have I been pushing you to that?
NeverDesdemona (2:48:32 AM): Well, you're not making me think you care about me lately. You can SAY plenty, but showing it is a different story. I've never seen you as a "sidekick" or a subordinate companion. You've always been my peer and my equal, but you're not doing a very good job and helping me maintain that perspective.
NeverDesdemona (2:48:50 AM): You keep pushing yourself further and further down to the point that other people are going to start seeing what you see; me included.
nightinthesky (2:49:07 AM): I know
nightinthesky (2:49:18 AM): but I don't know how to see myself properly anymore
nightinthesky (2:49:32 AM): I feel pretty worthless
nightinthesky (2:49:52 AM): What keeps happening in my life only pushes that further
NeverDesdemona (2:49:58 AM): Then stop surrounding yourself with people and things that make you feel that way, whatever who or what they may be.
nightinthesky (2:50:08 AM): Robyn was one
nightinthesky (2:50:20 AM): The rest are my memories...
NeverDesdemona (2:50:51 AM): Well, hence you and roby needing to talk
nightinthesky (2:50:57 AM): My parents, too, probably.nightinthesky (2:51:02 AM): Some people from church.
NeverDesdemona (2:51:04 AM): and you need to come to terms with your past, because now it's water under the bridge.
NeverDesdemona (2:51:11 AM): Stop drowning in it.
nightinthesky (2:51:20 AM): I try.
nightinthesky (2:51:25 AM): I've tried.
NeverDesdemona (2:51:51 AM): Keep trying. to me you're only wallowing.
NeverDesdemona (2:51:56 AM): That's not trying.
nightinthesky (2:52:01 AM): I was trying
NeverDesdemona (2:52:03 AM): You have to fight it to the ground.
nightinthesky (2:52:06 AM): I'm wallowing now...
nightinthesky (2:52:12 AM): I have been for a bit
nightinthesky (2:52:41 AM): but i did used to try.
nightinthesky (2:52:46 AM): I did used to fight.
NeverDesdemona (2:52:49 AM): USED
NeverDesdemona (2:52:54 AM): not going to cut it, man.
NeverDesdemona (2:53:14 AM): You're talking with the wrong gal if you are looking for sympathy.
NeverDesdemona (2:53:17 AM): You're not getting any from me.
nightinthesky (2:53:24 AM): I don't want sympathy
nightinthesky (2:53:24 AM): lol
nightinthesky (2:53:27 AM): thank you though
nightinthesky (2:53:32 AM): that's all I've been getting
nightinthesky (2:53:38 AM): I want direction
nightinthesky (2:53:40 AM): I want help
NeverDesdemona (2:53:45 AM): Don't thank me, bastard. stop throwing the year plus long pity party.
NeverDesdemona (2:53:49 AM): Attitude, man.
NeverDesdemona (2:53:54 AM): Change your attitude.
nightinthesky (2:54:12 AM): Shouldn't I change how I perceive myself first?
nightinthesky (2:54:27 AM): Otherwise the attitude is just fake,no?
nightinthesky (2:54:43 AM): and if so, then how do I change how I perceive myself.
NeverDesdemona (2:54:48 AM): haha
NeverDesdemona (2:54:49 AM): fuck no.
NeverDesdemona (2:54:53 AM): you're inside out.
NeverDesdemona (2:55:31 AM): It's the attitude; you saying FUCK THIS - I'm going to make a change. Wake up everyday and concentrate on small, simple things that make you happy, people who make you happy, and going from there.
NeverDesdemona (2:55:48 AM): From there, your perception will eventually change over time.
NeverDesdemona (2:56:21 AM): It's like how I can do all the character work i want firsthand, but once I've got my costume on and I see myself in a mirror, that's when I all finally makes sense, and my character is alive.
nightinthesky (2:56:54 AM): but then the question is change to what?
nightinthesky (2:57:04 AM): I don't want to go back to being who I used to be
NeverDesdemona (2:57:10 AM): uhm
NeverDesdemona (2:57:12 AM): that's up to you.
nightinthesky (2:57:16 AM): I don't want to be uber-depressed aldo anymore either
NeverDesdemona (2:57:17 AM): Waht do you WANT to change about yourself.
NeverDesdemona (2:57:25 AM): well that's a start, dammit.
NeverDesdemona (2:57:38 AM): You've got to say, want it, and MEAN it.
NeverDesdemona (2:57:49 AM): And not lie on your ass afterward, metaphorically speaking.
nightinthesky (2:57:55 AM): I want to have this sort of Little Miss Sunshine bit going on
nightinthesky (2:58:16 AM): Knowing that out of horribleness something wonderful can occur
nightinthesky (2:58:28 AM): something unexpected, but wonderful
NeverDesdemona (2:58:42 AM): Well duh, such is life.
nightinthesky (2:58:45 AM): moe
NeverDesdemona (2:58:50 AM): you desperately need to get out of your head.
NeverDesdemona (2:58:53 AM): DESPERATELY.
nightinthesky (2:58:54 AM): we're seeing Apocalypto tomorrow night
NeverDesdemona (2:58:59 AM): You're living with shadows.
nightinthesky (2:59:01 AM): what time would you be able to go?
NeverDesdemona (2:59:04 AM): And I'm going to pull you out.
NeverDesdemona (2:59:08 AM): Any time, I don't have a life here.nightinthesky (2:59:19 AM): lol
nightinthesky (2:59:23 AM): what time do you wake up?
nightinthesky (2:59:39 AM): Robyn can't steal you from me, no matter how much she might think
nightinthesky (2:59:49 AM): Hell, Dan can't take you either.
nightinthesky (2:59:57 AM): I'd take him on.
nightinthesky (2:59:59 AM): lol
nightinthesky (3:00:09 AM): Only if you let me, of course.
nightinthesky (3:00:14 AM): I feel better already
nightinthesky (3:00:18 AM): really
nightinthesky (3:00:23 AM): oh moe...
nightinthesky (3:00:25 AM): *hug*
NeverDesdemona (3:00:26 AM): Well, good dammit.
NeverDesdemona (3:00:28 AM): DAMMIT.
NeverDesdemona (3:00:29 AM): LoL
NeverDesdemona (3:00:33 AM): *huuuuuuuugggg*
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