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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 7 hours.

I made up for my shorter day yesterday by adding a class today. Did Bootcamp, walked for half an hour on the treadmill (took it easy to save energy, and also because my skinned knees still hurt from the fall), and then did a cycle class. I liked the instructor who taught the cycle class. She's Filipino and has a bit of an accent. One of the things she had us do was "pushups" on the handles of the uh... spin... machines...? (What are they called?) She had us do 150, and proudly proclaimed afterward that we had done "One huhndred feefty pooshups" today.

In the past couple days I've been exchanging some messages on OKC with a dude who seems pretty neat. He has a little blog which is... sort of... philosophical argument-oriented. The writing isn't always crystal clear, but I think it's very cool that he does that. It's still too early to tell, but I have this silly little hope that he could be a koi fish.

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Lighter day
Monday, February 1, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 4.5 hours.

I didn't do my normal three classes at the gym today because I didn't have time, so I ended up being there for 1.5 hours less than usual. Skipped Pilates, which is the second fluffiest Monday class I take anyway.

Today I babysat Kid 2 (Not sure what else to call her; Kid 1 is the baby I've been babysitting for a few months, Kid 2 is more of a toddler and she's... a handful). Kid 2's mom is very permissive and doesn't really set many boundaries for Kid 2 that I can see. Anyway, towards the end of my time there today, Kid 2 threw a piece of cardboard at me and it hit me in the face, hard. I said "Ow!" because, well, you know, it hurt. Kid 2's mom immediately put her arms around Kid 2 and said "Can you say you're sorry?" Kid 2 did not say she was sorry. She tried to keep playing. She tried to say she got hurt too (by which I mean she "fell" [aka jumped] on the ground and said "Ouch!"). She tried to distract us by asking for food and other things. But she would not say she was sorry. Kid 2's mom tried many different ways to ask Kid 2 nicely to say she was sorry, such as saying "Can you whisper it in my ear and I'll tell her you're sorry?" but nothing really happened for about fifteen minutes. Kid 2 just did not want to say she was sorry. I really hope she gets better when she's older, because man, she is a gigantic brat right now. Her mom kept trying to explain that when you hurt someone, you're supposed to tell them you're sorry (even if you got hurt too), but it just wasn't working.

Anyway, that was the most frustrating part of my day. At least I was getting paid for it, I guess.

The instructor for the dance class I took tonight played this song, and I liked it.

"Everybody Jump" by KMC feat. Jamtech.

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All the socials
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 2.5 hours.

Meeting my friend yesterday was cool. I took Caltrain up to San Francisco, and it was busy, but not nearly as packed as I was worried it would be (Superbowl stuff and all that). Halfway through the ride up, this guy sat next to me and started talking to me. He briefly asked me about what I did for work, but pretty much spent the next half hour talking about how amazing his job was. This is about how it went:
Him: Guess what I do for work!
Me: I don't know, what?
Him: No, no, guess!
Me: Uhhh...
Him: You'll never guess!!!!
Me: Um... so... not software?
Him: Yeah, come on, guess!
Me: But you just told me that I'll never guess.
Him: You get two guesses. It's the most amazing job in the world!
Me: Uhhhhhhh... Dolphin... trainer...?
Him: No, but that's close!!!
Me: So what is it?
Him: Surgery! [Side note: How is this close to training dolphins. How.]
Me: Oh wow, you're a surgeon?
Him: No.
Me: ...

He kept telling me not to be like... intimidated (he didn't use that word, but that was the gist of it) that he "does" surgery for his job. He's actually a surgical tech, so he just passes the actual surgeon instruments and stuff. I thought it was great that he was so enthusiastic about his work, but I also wasn't super into the conversation. Unfortunately I can't describe well some of the things that he did, but for example, he held out his hand and curled one of the fingers and was like "You know, inside our fingers, we have this system that's like, ropes and pulleys!" and I was like "...You mean tendons?" and he said "Yeah!!!" and overall I just felt like he was explaining things to me as if I were a small child and not an educated adult.

Anyway, at the end of all that, he was like "Hey, so, do you want to exchange numbers???" and I politely declined. He didn't even ask my name during that whole time! But he took it well, and said something about hoping I enjoyed my day. Dude could talk. He was like "It's cool, it's cool, hope you have a great day, it's a beautiful day! Beautiful day, beautiful city, beautiful girl, beautiful smile!" I thanked him and got off the train.

Walked to the foodtruck park where my friend was having his birthday get together, and had some yummy things to eat.

It was National Tater Tot day, so they had a lot of tater tot specials at the various food trucks! I got some loaded tots from No No Burger. It's a vegetarian/vegan foodtruck, so their loaded tots had cheese sauce, green onion, and "bacon" pieces... I don't know how they make their "bacon", but it was disturbingly realistic looking. I honestly got kind of paranoid that it was really ham they'd just chopped up.

I imagined the owner of the truck secretly hating vegetarians/vegans and being like "hahaha, those stupid vegetarians! They'll never know I'm actually feeding them meat!" I asked what the fake bacon was made of and they said soy... But man... I've never seen any fake meat product in a grocery store that even came close to being as real as their fake bacon was. It was terrifying. It didn't quite have the same texture as real ham, I think, so that was reassuring, at least.

The friend I was meeting up with was late, so while I waited, I got a strawberry ginger lemonade from another cart. I was hit with a sudden sneeze attack though, and I don't know if it was allergies or a cold, but I felt pretty sickish for the rest of the day and part of today.

I also got this cute li'l empanada from another truck, the name of which I cannot recall.

It had spinach and feta and was yummy, but not quite as tasty (or as disturbing, I guess) as the loaded tots.

On my walk back to the train station I passed by Zynga, and their office is really cool looking.

I also got to hang out with Fro last night, which was great. She said she's usually free on weekends, so maybe we can hang out more regularly. ^_^


Did my usual gym routine this morning, despite feeling sickish still. I took some nasal spray that I got from the minute clinic at CVS awhile back, which... seemed to help somewhat? So maybe it was allergies. Spin class went fine, and I didn't feel super sniffly. After that, I got on the treadmill and ran one mile (7:53 minute mile pace, level 1 incline), walked a mile (4+mph pace, level 1 incline), and ran another mile (7:30 minute mile pace, level 1 incline). After I finished my third mile, I started to decrease the pace so that I could get off, but I lost my footing and fell on the treadmill and it threw me off. Luckily I didn't hit my head, I think, but I did skin both of my knees and I think I bruised my hip as well. The women around me immediately asked if I was okay and if I needed anything, which was nice. I was kind of disoriented, but I went and sat on one of the machines for a minute and then went to the front desk to ask if they had bandaids... they didn't, so I went into the bathroom and tried to wash off my knees and put some folded up paper towels against them (my leggings held them in place) to catch the blood. Once that was all... uhh... temporarily patched up, I went and did Bosu Blast, then went home and put real bandaids on my knees.

Met up and had lunch with new-ish OKC friend today. I wasn't feeling super great, but it went fine. He ate super fast, so there was a good chunk of time where I was finishing my food and not much conversation was going on... We walked around a bit after lunch and chatted, but he was pretty quiet (he's super introverted), so there were some silences. Not too bad overall.


Last night I dreamt that he asked if we could talk, because it had been awhile. The simplicity of the statement touched me. When I woke up it took me some time to realize it didn't actually happen.

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Busy days
Friday, January 29, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 10.5 hours.

So I had babywork this morning, but it was super easy because we only had three babies to watch in my room, and three kids between two people is pretty manageable for only two and a half hours.

Went home, ate, napped, drove to a Thai restaurant for my friend Gwenny's birthday. Thai food is among my least favorite cuisines ever, so I was pretty much just going for her... But the dish I got wasn't terrible. If I was forced to go to a Thai restaurant I'd probably get it again if it was offered.

Drove home, quickly changed, went to the gym! Kind of a light day today. I felt tired kind of easily, so maybe I'm not fully recovered from donating blood. Only ran a mile (8 minute mile pace) and walked one (4mph, with various inclines), then went on the Stairmaster and set a target goal of 350 calories (so about half an hour). Ended up using the rails on the Stairmaster because I just felt tired... So... yeah... A very low effort day.

My friend Esther invited me to go to a billiard hall, so I went there after the gym and met her friend. I don't play pool, so mostly I just watched and chatted with Esther and her friend.

Yesterday I hung out with Esther too, in the evening. We got ice cream with the Pint for a Pint Baskin Robbins coupons I had from donating blood, then watched an episode of How We Got to Now in her room. She has a very cute budgie who ran around on the bed with us while we were sitting there.

I'm excited for tomorrow! Going up to San Francisco to meet up with this dude I've been online friends with for a few years, for his birthday. It's at a foodtruck park! And of course, since I get stupidly excited about foodtrucks, I am buzzing with anticipation.


It's funny, you know, I feel like I write about my day-to-day life on here a lot more these days, but I think I'm still leaving a lot out. Or well, not a lot in terms of quantity, but some significant things? Sometimes I mention them briefly, but without much detail. I guess it's hard to write about those things.

"It Can't Come Quickly Enough" by Scissor Sisters.

It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated

Skyscrapers rise between us
Keeping me from finding you
If the concrete architecture
Disappeared there'd be so few
Of us left to navigate and
Defend ourselves from the tide
It's an underground illusion
Tricking you from side to side

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Fake eggs [4P]
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 8 hours.

I really liked the way that Diesel Sweeties described the difference between friends and best friends in this comic.

I need to babysit soon, so I can't write much yet, but I wanted to start this entry because I was reading about ontological guilt in The Discovery of Being and I found it interesting.

May talks about the three different types of ontological guilt:
1. Guilt from "forfeiting one's own potentialities."
2. "...Guilt against one's fellows, arising from the fact that since each of us is an individual, each necessarily perceives his fellow man through his own limited and biased eyes. This means that he always to some extent does violence to the true picture of his fellow man and always to some extent fails fully to understand and meet the other's needs. This is not a question of moral failure or slackness-- though it can indeed be greatly increased by lack of moral sensitivity. It is an inescapable result of the fact that each of us is a separate individuality and has no choice but to look at the world through his own eyes."
3. "'Separation guilt' in relation to nature as a whole."

I feel like the first type is pretty familiar to most people. They know they could do more with their lives, but they don't, and they make up a lot of excuses to cover that up. They say "I can't" when it's really "I won't" and then they accuse you of being insensitive if you try to talk about how they have more control than they want to accept. People don't like to be blamed for the things that go wrong in their lives. Of course they don't. But I think we often go overboard in our attempts to make people comfortable, and people end up existing in these... sort of cocoons of illusion. They see all these limitations on themselves that don't necessarily exist outside of their minds, and they treat them like concrete realities. I have been imagining it this way:

A person sits inside a closed cardboard box. They complain that the box is small and cramped and it's uncomfortable in there. From outside, another person says "Why don't you just stretch out? You don't have to stay in the box. I think you are stronger than it and can break it open if you want to." The person inside the box doesn't see the box as cardboard, because it's dark in there. They feel the walls and say "No, it feels very solid, I think I'm trapped in here. I can't get out. You don't understand."

And then both people end up frustrated. Obviously in my example, the person on the outside is clearly right, and it's not always that way in real life, but it ends up feeling that way to me a lot. The box may be fairly thick and not super easy to break, and maybe the person doesn't know how to use full force because they've spent so long curled up in there, but still, in the end, I think they can get out of the box with enough effort. Maybe not on the first try, maybe not on the fiftieth try, but it is possible.

I remember seeing mental limitations as very concrete before. I think my experiences at St. John's put some cracks in that, though. It was stressful to realize how unlimited things really were, and it's taken me a few years (six years??) to adjust to the new perspective, but things just... feel better. And I feel like I'm fulfilling more of my potential and I don't have as hard a time interacting with people and life and just... yeah. More responsibility, more risk, but more reward.

Song I've been listening to lately to wrap things up:

"Intruder/(Oh) Pretty Woman" by Van Halen.

(Been listening to more classic rock lately because of the radio)


Did Bootcamp tonight, then ran 2.5 miles (8 minute mile pace with a level 1 incline) and walked almost three miles (~4mph, with various inclines). I felt really tired during Bootcamp and struggled to do all the exercises, so I ran/walked afterwards so today would be more productive. Treadmill said I burned 500 calories. Will take that as 400.

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Longish dayish thing
Monday, January 25, 2016
Gym time today: 3.5 hours.
Total this week: 6 hours.

Today was long. I went to visit a hospice patient, and ended up just chatting with her while she sat on a commode... She wanted me to stand there to make sure nobody would come and make her sit outside her room... And then she spent the better part of an hour putting lotion on while she sat there... I was glad to be able to provide her with some company (She said several times that she was very grateful that I was there and she wished I could visit every day), but I felt a little awkward about it. I felt like I was invading her privacy, but I guess she didn't care...

Didn't have much time between that and my babysitting gig today, so I quickly got a few snacky things from an Indian grocery store (paneer pakora and aloo tikki, yum yum) and ate those around 11:30ish.

Babysat for three hours. This was the third time I've sorta babysat this particular kid, and it went better this time, I guess. It pays much better than my other babysitting gig, but I'm much more fond of the other kid. The mother of the kid I babysat today has a very... permissive parenting style, so the kid doesn't clean up after herself and doesn't really take "no" for an answer...

Went home... found out my mom bought raspberries... ate a bunch of raspberries and drank some water. I was super tired and I thought it might be because I was dehydrated (I hadn't had anything to drink until then, so, like, within the 6+ hours I'd been awake).

Waited around, answered a message or two on OKC.

Hit the gym! (Of course)

Pilates, CSI, and Total Dance today. I also ran two miles (8 minute mile pace) and walked half a mile between Pilates and CSI because there was a half hour break. I guess I probably could have run longer, but it was not very appealing to do so. I contemplated going on the Stairmaster for half an hour after Total Dance, because I felt kind of bad about eating a whole pizza and chocolate cake and stuff yesterday, but I didn't end up doing it... Thought it would be better to take it easy since Bootcamp is tomorrow.

It's strange that I sort of look forward to Bootcamp because it's one of the only classes that feels like real exercise. Even though I don't have real fitness goals or anything, I like doing hard classes because it makes me feel like I'm being productive. Sometimes in like, Pilates and dance classes, I'm like "What are we even doing? This is just like, waving our arms around, and it's not even hard" and then I feel like I should run and/or do the Stairmaster to make up for it.


Lately this guy I've been online friends with for a few years has been casually inviting me to different activities, and I'd like to take him up on one of those offers, I think. He is a very interesting dude! We don't talk super often, but I can't think of a boring conversation I've had with him. More surprising to me is that he thinks I contribute more to our friendship than he does. I feel like when we talk he always has some cool new thing to tell me about, and all I do is talk about the dumb guys I interact with. I guess he thinks that's an interesting thing, though. :S Unfortunately he lives in San Francisco, so it's sort of troublesome for me to visit (he's not near the train station from what I can recall), which is why we haven't met up in the several years we've been talking. Maybe soon, though?

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New week
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 2.5 hours.

Starting over for the week. Did spin class, ran a mile (8:06 minute mile pace), walked a mile, did Bosu Blast.

I might stop working with my client soon. I'm getting really tired of him and it doesn't pay enough to make me feel like it's worth it anymore. He tried to offer me more money, but I don't know. I just really don't like him.

Right now I'm at the crisis line, and I'm getting dinner with a friend after my shift is over. That should be nice...

Oh, and I bought a portable air conditioner from IndieGogo. >_>


I meant to mention this before... I really liked the most recent Monsterkind comic.


It has a good message about support... Being there consistently for someone makes a big difference. It's not about always having some insightful thing to say, or fixing anything. It's just about being there, and letting the person know they don't have to face things alone. Being there whether or not they want to talk about it. That consistency means so much.

Also, this Louis CK quote:

New friend mentioned this to me, and I thought it was absolutely perfect.

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