Thursday. 1.4.07 1:28 pm
People were disappearing.
Bodies were being found without their insides.
There was a huge barn/party hall behind my(?) house.
They wanted everyone to go there to kill them. People were there that were bad, but they looked like good people in my life. Most of them from church.
Next thing you know I'm in the room where they're bringing all these people back to life. However, it's far more than that. The witchcraft had been done and skulls were lined up along all three walls of a relatively small room. Me and my partner, a taller, more attractive, white guy with brown hair, were there to stop it from happening. But as we began smashing the skulls they began to come to life. It was disturbing. They began talking. Spines began to grow from the base of the skulls. All at their individual spaces. When they'd have arms they'd reach around and drink some greenish-blue potion to help them go faster. Their bones would grow this reddish color as organs and other such parts grew out of thin air, until they become full evil human beings. We fought them as they came. Hundreds of them in a room that was so small. I had a knife. I had to plunge it into people often. Near the end, they were no longer skulls or bones, it was just people, zombie people or whatever. I still had to stop them. After gutting some guy with a mustache. I realized there were 5 girls left. Through out this whole time they had been making jokes. Funny jokes. They seemed playful enough. Heck, I was kinda taken by them. And just as I was about to plunge my knife into the side of one of those girls, my partner came up behind me. I stopped and asked if I could talk to him outside. When we stepped outside of the room, which turned out to be an hotel room(?), I hugged him. He was extremely awkward. I said I couldn't do it. I couldn't do these last 5 girls. He smiled and said it was ok. He said he had this other potion, just in case, to turn them into normal human beings so they wouldn't harm anyone. So we went back in, and there were all these people there. Like my mom, dressed all nice, my dad, the guy in charge of the orphanage in Piedras Negras, I began to get nervous/anxious/upset, like I usually do when there's alot of people.
Then there were these two dogs out on the city streets. One was this big bumbling white dog with lots of fluffy hair. He had a stick that he had forgotten belonged to his master. His friend dog reminded him of who it belonged to and ran off with it to return it. Then there was a flood and I was myself again and not that dog. And I was looking for that dog. But the streets had become rivers, literally. That dog is lost, I kept saying. Whoever was with me kept telling me "HE'S DEAD! ISN'T HE!?" I would reply, "No, I didn't say that. He's just lost."
But then again, the night before last night I dreamt I was playing some quarter worth game in the lobby of an hotel late into the night/morning. Santa then offered me a ride home. He said, "but if you're gonna come, you better do it now. None of this lolly-gagging." He was quite grumbly. I followed him to the parking lot with my back-pack. He walked towards the big white van in the empty parking lot. I thought it was funny...
I wish I did drugs to have an excuse for such dreams.
...just to watch him die.
Thursday. 1.4.07 3:30 am
I saw Walk the Line with Moe earlier. Well, Moe and my mom. I never get to see movies with my mom. I think it's sad I see movies more often with Moe who only comes here once in a while, compared to my mom who's ALWAYS here. But eh, I don't feel too bad. I'm here, aren't I? Spending time. It's weird sitting in between them though. They have such opposing views. It's amusing. Neither are wrong. Just opposing.
As I watched it again it made me either mad. Or sad. I don't know. Maybe mad because I'm still pissed at my brother, but it should be sad, I guess. I don't know what happened. I think it really may have happened. I always said it. I knew it with certainty, but now here I am, shocked that it just may be true.Maybe all chance of love really was wasted once I buried her. I've thrown my life away haven't I? I've thrown my love away. I no longer want some skank at my side. I do, but I don't. I still want companionship and all the happidily goo-ga that goes along with it. I even fancy the idea that someone may come into my life and we'll get married and have kids and leave all my past as some horrible nightmare that has come and gone. But I know that's not it. That's not real. That's not life. I'm screwed. Been screwed. Maybe things could have gone a different turn. Maybe had I not done somethings, had she not done somethings, had things come out differently, but you know what? It's too late. Too damn late. What's done is done, and as I've said before, "If "if"s and "but"s were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry christmas." Never the less, what does that mean for now? I was placed in the wrong role and I knew it. I remember wondering what the hell was happening during all of highschool. It was as if they cast a leading role to an amateur... Oh wait, they did. Maybe Lord Capulet isn't Romeo, but it's still a pretty sized role. One of the reasons why I took so much to the Dragonlance books. Heroes who weren't supposed to be, and didn't mean to be. And now I'm coming down off all of that ride and realizing all the dreams I had were pointless. I buried them with her. I buried all of it. I'm not even sad and that's what frustrates me. I'm settling. Nay, I want to settle. I don't want big roles, anymore. Heck, I realized the other day via dream, even if she were to come back into my life I'd say no. Nothing can be honky dory anymore. I'm not depressed, I'm just not wanting some roller-coaster ride anymore. I'm too old for it.
Although, that frustrates me too. I wish I was young. I wish I had zest and soul and passion. It's gone from me. I'm a dry human being. Heck, a dry human existing. I try, I trully do. I just don't have that youth anymore. And I envy others for it. I'm too old and too young.
Why do her words ring in my head?
"I tried it. I tried to do the "right thing". But I couldn't stay away from him. I kept thinking about him. I just couldn't imagine my life without him. I love him, you know? And he finally realized what he had after all of this. So I've decided to give it another try despite what everyone else may say. I've always believed everyone deserves a second shot, no matter WHAT they've done wrong, you know? And he screwed up really big, but I really do think he's realized how much he loves me now."
I don't remember the rest. I had begun to cry. I thought it was stupid. I tried real hard to stop. When she stopped talking I finally mustered the strength to stop. She never knew I cried. Why was I crying. I knew the answer. I know the answer. I know I ignored it. Still doing it. Maybe this is why I have dozens of memories lost. I've placed a darkness over half of my brain. A darkness that keeps me sane. Unfortunately it also shadows a few dozen other things. Maybe. FYI, the illustrious Elizabeth said this. You know, the one that was with Junior. Yeah. Whatever, life sucks...
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