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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Gonna go over this week
Friday, February 19, 2016
Gym time today: 1.5 hours.
Total this week: 14 hours.

So I actually was at the gym for closer to two hours today, but I'm rounding down. I did Bootcamp, then ran a mile (level 1 incline, 7:30 minute mile pace) and walked two miles (incline between 8-10, 3mph). I feel like... maybe I could have run for longer, but I didn't really want to.

Last night I had a dream that I went for an interview at SU and they had me sit around a table with other applicants, and told us to imagine we were little kids. There was all this stuff on the table, toys and papers and random knick knacks, and they were judging us on how we acted... I wasn't really sure what to do. After a few minutes, they announced that only one person had won, because they convincingly acted like they believed they were a small child. It wasn't me, and I was shocked that I hadn't been accepted. I was reeling in disbelief and trying to figure out how to fix the situation when I woke up.

Good things that happened today: I finally got a message from someone who plays the accordion on OKC! Things are just starting out, so not sure if he's cool yet. Also got a message from SL!

Noah showed me this and I've been watching other Vitas videos, transfixed, for awhile now.

I'm worried about him. He's kind of mentioned a couple times now that things aren't going that well for him. And... he just said it's been like this for a year or two... I really wish I could help him, but I'm not sure what would help, exactly.

Sometimes I have this fantasy in which I go and live close to someone for awhile and comfort and support them and help them get their lives back together, and everything is better because deep down, what they really needed was to not be lonely anymore.

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A less productive day
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 12.5 hours.

I just went one hour tonight (for Turbo Kick) because I had a headache and decided to take a nap instead of going to Pilates Fit tonight. It felt weird only being there for an hour.

It was a long day... I babysat for six hours, and the baby wouldn't nap at all. I was super tired and had a headache, so I wasn't pleased with that. She was also kind of whiny and kept saying my name and crying if I wasn't within three feet of her and paying attention to her. -Sigh-

The hospice patient I visited seemed to be in a good mood, at least, so that wasn't too bad.

After I got home from the gym, I showered and went over to my friend Alex's place. We watched another episode of The Magicians, which was enjoyable of course, and also watched a couple episodes of Lucifer, which was... less enjoyable. Lucifer uses some tropes that I've seen many times before, but it doesn't really use them in any sort of original or interesting way, so it was pretty meh. Hanging out was still nice, though. We might start getting together regularly to watch shows!

This music video is neat. "1998" by Chet Faker.

We used to be friends
We used to be inner circle
I don't understand
What have I become to you?
Take my good word
Turn it backwards
Turn your back on me
Is it absurd
For me to hurt
When everything else is fading?

Good things that happened today: SL responded to me again! And I got an email asking me to schedule an interview for grad school. So yay.

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Have had these pictures lying around [Ask]
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Dark cycle
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 8.5 hours.

Bootcamp was tough today. I think maybe I didn't eat enough before going, because I was pretty exhausted. Walked a mile after that, and then had spin class. There was a sub today, and she turned off the lights and had disco balls and flashing lights and stuff going. I think it was the most fun spin class I've ever taken! I wish they were like that more often. The instructor and another lady in the class were talking about how there are classes like that at some other place, but it's $35 a class, and the instructor was like "It's worth it" and I don't see how that could possibly be worth it unless you've just got money to burn.

Another beautiful day. I babysat today and all the windows in the house were open because it was warm. Not really appropriate weather for February, but I enjoyed it anyway.

It feels kind of like one of those summers that seems effortless and endless, when things feel alright for the first time in awhile. In my experience those summers are always followed up by something bad, though. I've been trying for years now to move away from the mindset that bad things are the default in my life, and good things are just glitches in the universe, but sometimes when I'm in the middle of a bad streak it feels like thinking bad things weren't the default was just me deluding myself.

That's not the point, though. Today was nice and it was a good day overall. I'm not feeling particularly sad. I am just in the habit of affecting sad mannerisms.

SL just responded to me. :D Yay! All these nice things today.

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Going better
Monday, February 15, 2016
Gym time today: 3.5 hours.
Total this week: 6 hours.

Mat Pilates, ran a mile (level 1 incline, 7:30 minute mile pace), walked almost another mile, CSI, then Total Dance. Running was easier today, probably because I didn't do any cardio right before it.

I felt pretty good today. Maybe even happy. Spending yesterday with my friend had a really big impact on me, I guess.

It was a beautiful day today. Warm, sunny. The sky was blue, but not overwhelmingly so. The world was colorful and real and I felt alive. Everything was okay, and things were going to be okay. Overall I just felt really at ease.

Maybe this is the point from which things will finally start to really get better. I hope so.


I made this screenshot my desktop background a few days ago because it was something I needed to remember.

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(Late entry, but titling it as the right day)
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 2.5 hours.

Cycle and Bosu Blast in the morning, then stayed extra time after Bosu Blast because the Bosu Blast instructor is also a Zumba instructor and she asked if anybody wanted to stay to practice a new routine. There were only four people who stayed, so I was able to actually see what was going on. It was a lot less stressful than going to a normal Zumba class, so I was somewhat able to follow along, even if I had trouble with the hip movements. Actually spent longer than 2.5 hours at the gym because of that Zumba thing, but I'm only counting the scheduled time. (Oh also, I ran a mile at a level 1 incline and a 7:30 mile speed and it was not super easy, but I made it; probably would have been easier if I didn't do it right after the spin class)

I spent almost all day with my friend Alex, so I didn't get around to writing this entry yesterday (it's actually Monday right now). It was really nice! I texted him after I got back from the gym and asked if he'd like to hang out, because I didn't have any plans for the rest of the day, and he said he was free, so we hung out from like... I dunno... 4 AM to like past 1 AM, haha. I had a good time! We watched the first few episodes of this silly series called The Magicians, which is kind of like someone's terrible Harry Potter/Chronicles of Narnia/other things fanfiction that somehow made it to TV. It was bad, but in an enjoyable way. I guess that's about par for the course for something that came from SyFy, though.

Going to hit the gym again tonight, so I'll probably try to type up an entry about that.

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Friendship definitions
Friday, February 12, 2016
Gym time today: 1.5 hours.
Total this week: 14 hours.

So I hit 14 hours in six days because I'm taking tomorrow off for writing group. Can't make my normal classes in the morning if I want to get to the group on time. Oh well. There was a sub for Bootcamp tonight, so I guess it was actually a class called H.I.I.T., which I think stands for High Intensity Interval Training. Walked a mile and ran a mile (level 1 incline, 8 minute mile pace) afterwards. I've been feeling nervous about running on the treadmill, so I haven't been going as fast as I probably could... I also used the safety clip today, but kept thinking about what would happen if it didn't work.

I was thinking a little about friendship today. It seems like my friendships (and maybe friendships in general) are based on either frequency or quality of contact, or some mixture of the two. If I talk to someone a lot I might consider them a friend. If I don't talk to someone a lot, but I feel like they are there for me if I need them and we can have meaningful interactions, I consider them a friend. Ideally I would have frequency and quality, but that seems like it's not really available to me right now.

Anyway, there are some people who might consider themselves friends with me but who fall into neither of these categories, and I wonder if there is any benefit to flat out telling them we're not friends. Does it serve any practical purpose?

I like to know who my friends are and have things defined, not left to ambiguity. Sometimes friendships just fade on their own, but I guess I prefer the feeling of closure that comes with formally ending a friendship. Not that it's something I enjoy, I mean. But just... I feel like I'm at this place in my life where I notice when people add nothing of value to my life, and it feels like a waste of my time to deal with them even on a minimal level.

Having a friendship where you casually interact with someone once a month or less is really unappealing to me. Why am I even bothering to keep them in my life if that's the extent of our relationship? Do you even care about someone if that's the entirety of your interactions with them? Maybe it works for other people, but I don't like it.

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People and behavior
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 12.5 hours.

Pilates Fit and Turbo Kick today. My abs actually felt kind of sore by the end of it, but it's not noticeable now.

At the moment I'm listening to this and trying to just focus entirely on the music.

I've been in my head too much lately and I need to step out of that a little, I think. Considering (again) shedding people from my life. I talked a little to my friend Mike (not Fro's boyfriend) about it. He said he doesn't like the idea of burning bridges with people, because you're essentially giving up on them and suggesting that you don't believe they can change. I agree with him, but with some of these people, maybe I should just give up on them. I believe that everyone is capable of positive change, but there are some people who just don't want to, and there's not much you can do to change their minds.

The domestic violence agency I used to intern at shared a link on Facebook, and although I've never been physically abused, I felt like I could relate to some of the elements in this story:

�I Believed I Could Love The Abuse Out Of Him�
I thought if I were a good enough girlfriend � if I just loved him enough � he wouldn�t want to hurt me again.

I guess this is something I've (mistakenly?) thought in general about people. "If I'm just a good enough person, people won't want to hurt me!" The problem, I suppose, is that wanting to hurt someone and actually hurting them don't always go hand in hand. The idealistic part of me (which has been withering away for a few years now) wants to think that if I'm just good enough, people will want to not hurt me. There's a slight distinction between that and not wanting to hurt someone.

If you don't want to hurt someone, you don't have an active desire to hurt them.
If you want to not hurt someone, you have an active desire to avoid doing things that might hurt them.

A fine line, maybe, but I feel like the difference is still enough that it's worth noting. In the latter category, I think people would be more motivated to check their behavior for things that could have a negative effect on others. In the former category, it's like, "well, I'm not going to put energy into hurting you, but if it happens anyway... whoops! Accidents happen!"


Yesterday night my mom knocked on my door and asked, in a rather aggressive tone, why I hadn't thrown away some goat cheese on the counter that we'd discovered was moldy earlier in the evening. I told her I didn't know what I was supposed to. She immediately got defensive and said "Well who did you think was going to do it?" I could tell, based on more past interactions than I'd ever care to count, that she was implying that I expected her to do it. I told her that that's not what I was saying, and my point was that I did not know I was supposed to dispose of it. She didn't understand me and angrily asked again who else I thought was going to throw it out. I had to repeat myself numerous times and explain that my point (I didn't know I was expected to throw this out) was different than what she thought I was saying (I expected you to throw this out). I told her I didn't think it was a reasonable assumption that I would just know it was up to me to throw out the moldy food, and she started going on a rant about how I was the one who realized it was moldy, and she had left to do some work at her school, so I shouldn't have thought she would do it, and how I shouldn't have just left the goat cheese on the counter for "someone else" (her) to clean up.

I've been through this conversation (is it even really a conversation?) so many times and really didn't want to go through it again. Eventually though, I told her that I thought a better approach on her side would have been to ask me to clean it up instead of demanding to know why I hadn't cleaned it up already. I'm still not sure she actually understood what my original point was, but at least she accepted the alternative course of action I suggested.

If/when I have my own kids, I am going to avoid repeating my mom's behavior as much as I possibly can. Having lived with this all my life though, I'm honestly surprised I don't get defensive way more than I do. I know I used to, but I've been working on not doing that for a few years now. My mom acts like a lot of things are attacks or demands directed at her, and she reacts with hostility and aggression. It's only in recent years that I started to notice this so clearly. She's also a really bad listener, although I knew that before. I think my dad might be a better listener, but I haven't had as much close contact with him as I have with my mom.

I was talking to my therapist about how I don't feel like I've really had any positive role models in my life (or any role models...?). People I admire, sure, but not people I look up to consistently as people to model my own behavior after. I just construct an image in my head of what ideal behavior looks like and try to follow that, instead of having someone I can actually watch. This is normal to me, but my therapist's reaction made me feel like it's not supposed to be normal. Maybe this factors into why I'm not in the habit of asking people questions about how to do things, though. I might just have a deeply ingrained belief that nobody has answers for me and I have to figure things out on my own.

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