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2014
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ruiyan
Age. 30
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. AzN
Location , Australia
School. Other
» More info.
2010
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sHouT BoX
OMG... I must be dead...
by sirpaulmccartneyfan
I haven*t been on here since forever....
Hi Ravennah!
by Zanzibar

by randomjunk
Hey! I*m doing well at the moment, how are you?
Wow.... Been a while
by Ravennah
since I*ve been on here. How the heck are ya?

by randomjunk
Haha, I keep meaning to write a post...
You should all update to give me
by Zanzibar
something to read

by bauhaus
Hello
eek
by AmbyrJayde
I thought you were all gone :o But then it all came back

by undisputed
o.o;
Thank the heavens
by dannixfresh
Nutang is still around! I thought I lost you guys

by
...
Wednesday. 2.27.08 5:32 am
i should be happy that he reacted that way right? he cares! ok, i guess i was glad he cared and i suppose what i saw today was basically how much he'd really put out for me... even if it meant doing something he really hated... but why was a small part of myself racing at my brain shouting, BE CAREFUL IT MIGHT HAPPEN AGAIN! are there some things i should just forget? how though? i forget things i shouldnt forget ( like due dates for work -.-") and remember things i shouldnt (like bad things that have happened to me that interfered with my normal life)

it triggered the incident from almost two years ago. i did something i felt was wrong, i still havent told the person. i really want to get it off my chest. maybe just letting it out would be good, but no one would really care anymore, but i just want to feel better, i dont want to hide anything. it was horrible. i dont want it to happen again.

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confused again
Friday. 2.22.08 10:25 pm
times like now i just sit down and wonder... do i really trust him? am i lying to myself? am i just telling myself i trust him just because i reckon that as a girlfriend i should trust him? or do i really trust him? if i really do trust him, then why is it that i feel so insecure a lot of the times? even the other day for instance, as soon as i saw a vague trace of behaviour from last time, i immediately jumped to conclusion that he was lying to me again, despite the fact he had promised he'd never lie to me again? why cant i just relax and believe him? what am i afraid of? mel, what happened to forgive and FORGET... why is the forgetting part so hard? is it even possible? there are too many things i want to forget about. i want to completely forget the past. its not his fault i was hurt before we started. why does it seem im punishing him for my past experience? he says that hes not like the other one, what happened between me and that 'other one' wouldn't happen between me and him. why can't i ever feel reassured?

times when we argue over silly things, or maybe just both in a pissy mood, i sometimes dont even know what to do. ignore him? pretend im fine? which i kind of established was kind of stupid since he can OBVIOUSLY tell when im NOT fine -.-" but then what? i dont have anything to say when im pissed. i just want a shoulder to lean on, not someone giving the same kind of attitude back :s .. not that he really does that, but i guess he kind of does that sometimes =[ hey hes human right? he can make mistakes, hes allowed to be pissed? i dont know, i really want to tell him to control his tempers cos it really pisses me off when he goes all fucked over and i dont know how to deal with it... but then its not like i have the right to say that, i get pretty messed up too. he called me unreasonable before? maybe i am... so what? how was i to react to what he had said before that behaviour came into practice? say 'oh yeh, thats exactly the correct way you should go about life, its just absolutely fine to allow that to happen, like i wouldnt mind AT ALL...' somehow those words would never have come to mind at the time. not like his own behaviour is always reasonable.

it's so ironic! there are other times he shows he really cares... like, to the point where i feel im not even doing enough for him at all... or that im a good girlfriend at all ... times like those, i feel im the luckiest girl in the world and just wouldnt ever find better.

i dont get it? what makes a good girlfriend? am i really unreasonable? what should i do? how can i learn to tolerate people more? how can i completely let go of the past? i dont want to treat him unfairly. he doesnt treat me unfairly. i can tell he puts a lot of effort into our relationship, possibly more than i.

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valentines day
Thursday. 2.14.08 10:29 pm
so its valentines day. i told him not to get me anything. i mean, not that i need or want anything anyway. and not that he'd know what to get me anyway. typical thing on valentines day would be receiving a rose and maybe a balloon? though its nothing like extroadinarily surprising but when you receive them from the one you love the most and you know loves you the most, its still really sweet and all =]. i later walk into a dark room with a candle lit in the centre of the words 'I U' made from flower petals. honey, the thought and effort you had put in was worth more than any gift you could've given me today.

thank you for everything, not just for today. For every other day that you've used your heart to love me. For all the times that i've been late when we've had to go out :p you never told me off or complained if i was late, whether i was 5 mins late, or a whole hour or two late. For being patient with me when im all bitchy and angry and pissy over stupid things.

Thank you for trying to be there all the times even though you cant always be there, because i know at those times, you're still thinking of me and worrying about me.

oh, and you hate reading :p so i thank you for making the effort to read till this very last line haha :p

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there is no perfect
Thursday. 2.7.08 10:57 pm
they say they care
they say they care a lot
they say they'd be happy if you told them everything
they say there are no secrets between the two of you
even if you dont tell them everything, they wouldnt ask you and force you to tell them
they say they're serious
they say they love you

how much of that can you really believe or take seriously?

i know he cares
i know he at least sometimes would care a lot
well at least he does when im upset over something
i know anyone would be happy if you told them everything
i'd be happy too if he really did tell me everything
i keep nothing from him, but is that too much?
there are some things some people rather not know.
if i saw you eat a bowl of rice and you didnt see that cockroach inside, and you swallowed it.... should i not tell you?
maybe thats just a weird example :s
you never force me to tell you stuff, you just say 'remember you can tell me anything/everything'
and so i do... but do you?

you want me to be there for you
you know im there for you
but you dont always tell me everything
im left wondering and worrying when i know something is clearly wrong
it doesnt just hurt you, it hurts me too

maybe sometimes you feel you're on the same level as my friends, what do you want me to do? what can i do?
you know i'd try my best to do anything that could help the situation.

i dont know, you tell me what to do...

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start of the rat year
Thursday. 2.7.08 12:59 am
so i got my place into acu as i wanted... was busy all day because of chinese new year... had to help mum, had to do a lot of housework... havent really had a good day

to commence the new year, dad's department is closing down... in other terms, dad might lose his job... now what? the one that shouldve known first doesnt know, the one who doesnt need to know first knows first... is this my fault again?

life is so tedious... where is he when i need him..... i dont want to think anymore.. i guess just let things go the way they are? something will work out eventually... though meanwhile all i can do is sit here and feel shit

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27-1-08
Monday. 1.27.08 12:04 am
pissed... nothing to say really... just pissed... VERY PISSED... is it in my nature or am i building the barrier against myself because of what happened... cant tolerate it anymore... i never use to care if anyone yelled at me.. or raged at me.. or said anything... i'd still be there for them... i thought i could still do that.... i was so wrong... just tonight i realised i couldnt do it anymore... i couldnt tolerate anymore.. if someone had tried doing so.. i'd bite back.. or just walk away from them... and thats exactly what i did! i feel horrible... i dont even feel like im myself anymore... he was so right! i said i'd always be there for him... but what did i just do?! i just said 'im going to go after this call' gee what was i thinking huh.... i know what i was thinking... that time someone had argued... no.. lets put it a more euphemistic form... 'debated' over something... well.. just expressing our opinions really... i kept having my own words thrown back at me.. not only that... they let their anger out on me and yelled at me... called me nasty things.... what was i in his eyes? why do i never cry in front of guys? because that same occassion we had that debate... i was under some rather intense stress... and ended up having a mental breakdown on the spot and just burst into tears... oh how comforting was it to hear 'oh would you just shut up and stop crying right now' what did he think he was? my father? gee if i was there in person i wouldve slapped him good i tell you.... he better go thank god he wasnt there.... i dont see guys the same way anymore... they're loving and awesome when they want to be... but they can be horrible monsters too... like one tonight

how many more of these occassions will we confront? how will i handle them each time? walk away from him and let him calm down before coming back? or the way i promised it and 'be there' but then let him let it all out on me? i handled tonight's situation terribly... i shouldve been able to put up with it.. but i must admit i was feeling pretty shit too...

we can barely deal with this and we're only on the phone... how will we ever fix things in person if we had to live together? i suppose im willing to be fair and change the way i see guys now if the other half is also willing to control their fucking tempers too... yes everyone gets angry but seriously, in some situations, its not necessary to go nuts and rage at everyone around

i can be contacted 24/7 ... but who is there for me when i need them in the middle of the night? only you.... i can always write to you as much as i like for as long as i want... unless your server's down or you get hacked T_T +touch wood+

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21-1-08
Monday. 1.21.08 8:33 pm
i wasnt meant to feel shit today, but i couldnt help it. no i didnt lie to him, i really was tired as well... i couldnt explain why i felt so crap. i just felt crap. i couldnt even explain it to myself. i guess its like waking up on the wrong side of bed. what was i suppose to do. i wanted to let it out, but i didnt want to do it in front of him. he wouldnt know what to do with a crying girl, he'd just sit there and freak out?

why is life so hard now? its suppose to be easier that high school is over! this is meant to be the point where everything starts fresh and run smooth [clearly not]... i was so looking forward to it all... now i just feel worse by the day. what do they think i am? i cant please everyone and make everything work. do they even know how i feel? i hate it! one is someone i want to be with forever, another is someone who raised me for the past 18 years with all her heart and effort... what the hell am i meant to do? stay a good girl and just say game over and find someone else? no! it doesnt work like that! i would never love that person the way i love him, its not right! love isnt like that, that isnt called love. fine, if not then what do i do? run away with him and destroy my relationship with mum completely? not saying it will happen, but what if we do break up? what do i do then? come crawling back home for mum? thats ridiculous! is he even for certain he'd want to be with me forever? and would never let me go no matter what happens? cos i know that my mum could do that.. like yeh man we'll fight, but shes my mum after all.. she'll care for me forever till she has to leave... but can he? i trust him, more than any other guy, but still... only to a certain extent... how am i to trust him 120% ? i mean, even he feels insecure sometimes.

i dont know how to talk about this to him... he hates thinking... i dont want to bother and trouble him.. he feels shit enough as it is i guess...i hate being here, i hate being in the middle... mum lectures him.. she doesnt really like him... she doesnt like it when i hang out with him too much... but i cant help it that i love him... she cant stop that... he hates it when he gets lecture, not even his own mum lectures him like that.. what the hell is my mum doing? its so embarassing! it hurts... he doesnt want to come over tomorrow, why? i dont really know the real reason... is it really cos of mum? or like he said later today 'its so far' ... like hes never made me to go his place on my own.. like thats not far? sometimes i really wonder if he truly really loves me that much, or am i just a toy? i know i shouldnt be doubting him or thinking that, i feel bad =[ why do i always feel so insecure? im such a bad girlfriend!

do either of them know what im going through? do they understand how shit i feel? why do they always have to make life hard for me? i cant lose either of them. i made him a promise. move out before his birthday. his birthday is nearing, and i have completely no clue how to get my ass out of this place without damaging my relationship with mum. i dont want to break the promise. i cant break this promise, it would make it harder for him to trust me later on if i made another promise for something.

jimmy, if ever you eventually read this, please dont tell me to just forget about the promise just because you feel sorry for me. please. just let me deal with it, ok?

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deja vu
Saturday. 1.12.08 11:25 pm
it was not only quite coincidental, but rather scary to see what i had been through replayed in front of me in the drama. i didnt even have the courage to watch it anymore. i want to forget about it. i dont ever think about it anymore, but when it played in front of me, i was scared. really scared. i could feel exactly how the character felt. it was a terrible feeling. will i ever overcome this fear? will i ever watch that part that i never had the courage to watch?

damn, my teacher was so right when she said that i was emotionally weak. haha, i didnt even believe it myself. oh well, time heals everything... i think...

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