Sunday I got dinner with a friend and spent the rest of the night talking to him, until sometime after 1 AM. That... was probably not a very practical decision, since I had plans to go to the Boardwalk at 8 AM for Labor Day. It was nice, though, just talking. I told a bunch of stories about my client, and he laughed a lot.

I ended up getting like... maybe four hours of sleep, at best, before I had to get up to get ready to leave. Other friends came over in the morning and we drove to Santa Cruz, then spent a few hours on the beach there and wandered around the Boardwalk a little. Becka wasn't feeling well, unfortunately. She's been having issues with fainting, and we don't know why. I really hope it's nothing serious. I briefly imagined her having something life threatening and dying, which was terrible to think about. I'm sure it's nothing that awful, though... She's gotten some test results back, but still needs to talk to a cardiologist, so with any luck, they'll figure it out very soon.

After coming home from the Boardwalk I pretty much just passed out and slept for a few hours. Ended up Skyping my friend for almost four hours, which... I think might be the longest Skype call I've ever had? I didn't expect to videochat for that long, because it just started because he suggested that we listen to some audio of my client together, but then it like... went on for quite awhile. For some reason we started talking about guys we thought were attractive, and he sent me some different pictures of his male celebrity crushes. I had a hard time finding pictures of any guys I find attractive. The best I could really do was send him some videos... I think he was a bit weirded out by the video of Wes Bentley singing along to "Blue Christmas" in P2, haha. He also thought the people I showed him looked kind of scary. That's not... totally unreasonable, I guess. It's hard for me to find people physically attractive, but the few examples I showed him all had kind of intense eyes, so they do look a bit intimidating. Maybe it's that sort of intensity/intimidating quality that makes them attractive to me, though. Like it creates a tension that makes things exciting...

Anyway, I'm really tired from all the socializing. I feel so drained. I was just thinking the other day that I don't seem to get drained by socializing very much anymore, but maybe I was wrong. Or maybe it's that I haven't been sleeping or eating very much. That seems... like a possibility. Monday, I only ate a small muffin Becka made, a few pieces of fried zucchini, a few garlic fries, most of an Italian ice, a chunk of watermelon, the beans from half a leftover salad, and like... some crackers. It's been hard for me to eat much recently. At least nobody is harassing me about it...

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I hated Fall Out Boy in high school, but I guess they've become more tolerable to me since then. This came on the radio and I felt sort of nostalgic.

"Dance, Dance" by Fall Out Boy:

Tonight it's "It can't get much worse"
vs. "No one should ever feel like..."

I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds

There is a calmness in my head and a tension in my chest. But things feel clear. So I'm not sure what's happening. I figure... if I was dissociating again, things should feel hazy, but they don't. If I'm not depersonalized/derealized though, it seems like whatever I'm feeling should be more apparent to me. The tension sort of feels like a heavy weight pressing into me, as if a big dog was sitting on my chest.

The other night I was talking to someone from the chatroom, and he told me that there were times he really wanted to just screw up everything he had. I could somewhat relate. I feel like I'm almost constantly fighting off the urge to do something bad and ruin my whole life. I don't know why that urge is there in the first place, considering how much work I often put into not destroying my life. Maybe I get tired of fighting my negative impulses sometimes and wish I could give in to them. In a way though, I guess my ability to resist the urges is one of my greatest strengths. Although maybe it just developed because there are so many urges in the first place... and I would likely be dead if I wasn't resisting them...

Even though this song is kind of annoying to listen to more than once in awhile, sometimes it hits me really hard when it comes on the radio.

"Self Esteem" by The Offspring.

Well I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care
Right? Yeah

I wish I didn't relate to that as much as I do.

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Me: I hope we can be friends for... a long time.
Fro: I want us to be friends forever!

I wanted to say forever at first, but I held back. When she said it, I felt so... relieved? Happy? I really hope we're friends for the rest of our lives, at least. Right now I feel like Fro is my best friend. We are different in a lot of ways, but I really value her.

We went to the gym together today. She has a membership, but I just got a free three day pass. We meant to go to a half hour long barbell class, but traffic was so bad that I was too late for it, so we ended up doing an hour long spin class instead... Both of us thought it was going to be half an hour, so that was... not the most pleasant surprise of the day. I felt bad for Fro, because the seat of the stationary bike was pretty uncomfortable for her. I guess I'm used to them, so it didn't bother me much. It was fairly tiring to pedal almost nonstop for an hour, though. Halfway through, when I thought it was supposed to end soon, I felt like my legs were so tired and I was really looking forward to the instructor saying we were done, but then it just kept going and going... and somehow I scraped up more energy to keep pedaling, but I had quite a mental block for a few minutes. I imagine it's like runner's block.

We also spent some time on the ellipticals and did a few upper body exercises on the machines. I've never felt comfortable in gym environments, and this wasn't particularly different. It was a lot better being with a friend, though. I think I'd have gotten uncomfortable if I was by myself.

After the gym we got dinner at Sweet Tomatoes and chatted. It was really cold in there, and I was shivering a bit, but I was glad we got to hang out. Fro talked about working out together on a regular basis, and it seems like it would be fun. Gym memberships are expensive, though, so that puts me off the idea to some extent... My only real source of income right now is babysitting once a week, so I'm not exactly rolling in dough.

Oh, and this isn't gym-related really, but I've been losing weight recently and I feel fairly pleased with the way I look at the moment. I would share a picture except I don't want to take a photo of myself in my underwear. Too scandalous for this blog by far.

---

Here is a poem I was reading today:

Let It Be Forgotten
by Sara Teasdale

Let it be forgotten, as a flower is forgotten,
Forgotten as a fire that once was singing gold.
Let it be forgotten forever and ever,
Time is a kind friend, he will make us old.

If anyone asks, say it was forgotten
Long and long ago,
As a flower, as a fire, as a hushed footfall
In a long-forgotten snow.

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I had a dream that I and a couple other girls were being held by this woman who was planning to kill each of us one by one. We weren't tied up or anything, we were just sitting at a table together, bound by fear, I guess. Or maybe resignation. One side of the table was against the wall, and the two other girls were each on a side next to the wall, while I sat across from the wall. We were in my living room, and the woman was in the opposite end of the room from us, but she would occasionally walk over and check up on us.

When she was at the other end of the room, I turned to the girls next to me and whispered to them that I thought we could overpower her if we worked together. They didn't seem very motivated or interested, but one of them reluctantly agreed. I told her that I would grab the woman from behind and she should hit her on the head with a plate that was on the table. When it came down to it though, the other girls didn't do anything, so I ended up smashing the plate on the woman's head, then I ran to my kitchen and got the longest knife there and went back into the living room. The other girls had disappeared, and the woman was sitting there, not wearing a shirt and facing away from me. I pushed the knife into her back in a few places, and it sunk in with a moderate degree of resistance. She didn't bleed. She just turned her head to look at me and smiled in a sort of bitter, tired way. Then she turned her body around to face me and I held the knife to her throat. She didn't say anything. I stabbed her in the chest then, hoping my aim was good enough to avoid being blocked by any bones. I wanted to stab through her heart and kill her. Throughout all this, she didn't seem to take any of my efforts very seriously.

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"Aging Spinsters" by The 6ths.

Credit to Trevor for sharing with me. Although I'm guessing he found this via The Magnetic Fields, which I shared with him, so... it evens out?

Marry young, Diana
I don't want to see you old and alone
It's no fun, Diana, I don't want to see you
Rot in the home for aging spinsters

You should find someone
As loyal as a dog
Who will still love you
When you look like a frog

I feel like I think too much about being old. Or if not too much, at least a lot. It seems like it would be nice to grow old with someone. To have a lifetime of shared memories. But then, of course, it would be terrible if one of you died. That seems to be the part I think about most. Even though I very much like the idea of having a lifelong partner, I always seem to imagine them dying before me, and me having to carry on for years alone. It's a really unpleasant thought. It's not the being alone itself that seems bad, assuming I would have friends and/or family. It's the loss of someone I had presumably spent a great deal of time with. I mean, losing Romeo after almost eleven years together was pretty difficult to me, and he was a budgie. A budgie I cared for very deeply, and who was basically my baby, but still. A human connection would likely be deeper, since it would be two-way, so that would probably hurt more, right?

I dunno though. Maybe by that point, they'll have advanced medical technology to the point where you could just upload your brain to a computer or something. That seems pretty unlikely, but hey, you never know. Technology advances quickly these days, after all.

Been going through my screenshot folder lately.

Gingiva.


t4r4d1ddl3.

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