Three and a half hours at the gym today. Six this week.

Pilates was really easy... I was expecting it to be much more difficult, based on the previous classes, so I was kind of disappointed. CSI was alright, though. The dance class after that was much faster paced than I was expecting, so it was kind of hard. Also walked a little under two miles in the ~30 minutes between Pilates and CSI. I keep wondering if I should try running instead of just walking at an incline, but I don't want to risk getting too tired right before a class... Hrm... Maybe I could try running for the first half of the time and walking the second?

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I've been talking to someone new, and I think he started flirting with me and I feel kind of awkward about it. I like talking to him, but I wonder if he only wants to talk to me because he wants something more than friendship... :\

The uncertainty of social interactions is very anxiety-inducing and I wish it didn't feel like such a big deal.

That seems like a weak way to think about it...

I wish it was different.
I need to make it different.
I should make it different.
I will make it different.

We'll go with that last statement.

Until I figure out how to keep the internal feelings and thoughts from being generated in the first place, at least I can try to express things as if I'm not having all these doubts and worries. Fake it till you make it, you know. Or well, emulate the behavior you aspire to until it becomes second nature, I suppose. That's a bit more of a mouthful, though.

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Okay, starting off the week with 2.5 hours of gym time.
-Spin class
-Walked 1.5 miles on the treadmill to kill time between classes
-Bosu ball class

Plan for tomorrow:
-Pilates
-Something between to kill time (probably treadmill, since it's not tiring)
-Cardio Strength Interval class (CSI)
-Total Dance class

I think that would be 3.5 more hours, for a total of 6 hours. Total Dance doesn't feel like a workout though, because it's not intense at all, so I wonder if that even counts. I mean, we are technically moving the entire time, but ehhhh. Movement by itself doesn't feel like exercise to me. My mental definition of "exercise" is stuff that makes me sweat, makes me tired, makes me sore. Gotta be at least two out of three to count.

The spin class I took this morning had showtunes as background music, which... would definitely not have been my first choice, but I did like this one, at least:

"One Night in Bangkok" by Murray Head.


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This is one of those songs that I've had forever, but wasn't too interested in, and then it came on the radio and it felt a lot more... meaningful? all of a sudden.

"Say It Ain't So" by Weezer.

I can't confront you
I never could do
That which might hurt you
So try and be cool
When I say
"This way
Is a waterslide away from me
That takes you further every day"
So be cool

---Edit---

I've had this open on my tablet for awhile now:

Everything Doesn't Happen for a Reason

I don't know if I agree with everything it says 100%, but I liked this part:

When a person is devastated by grief, the last thing they need is advice. Their world has been shattered. This means that the act of inviting someone—anyone—into their world is an act of great risk. To try and fix or rationalize or wash away their pain only deepens their terror.

Instead, the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. Literally say the words:

I acknowledge your pain. I am here with you.

Note that I said with you, not for you. For implies that you're going to do something. That is not for you to enact. But to stand with your loved one, to suffer with them, to listen to them, to do everything but something is incredibly powerful.

There is no greater act than acknowledgment. And acknowledgment requires no training, no special skills, no expertise. It only requires the willingness to be present with a wounded soul, and to stay present, as long as is necessary.

Be there. Only be there. Do not leave when you feel uncomfortable or when you feel like you're not doing anything. In fact, it is when you feel uncomfortable and like you're not doing anything that you must stay.

Because it is in those places—in the shadows of horror we rarely allow ourselves to enter—where the beginnings of healing are found. This healing is found when we have others who are willing to enter that space alongside us. Every grieving person on earth needs these people.

Sometimes it feels like people get so hung up on trying to solve your problems or give some sort of insight that they won't really be there with you. I could use more people in my life who are willing to just be present with me. I think that I got some of that when I hung out with Sean the other day. I would like to be there for others in the same way.

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Got 10.5 hours at the gym this week!

I feel sleepy.

Oh, and Christmas was okay. It didn't feel like much of a holiday, really. Maybe holidays just don't feel special anymore, though. I dunno.

---Edit---

Also, I bought Cibele. Now I just need to find a good time to play it.

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So far this week: 8.5 hours at the gym. (2.5 hours Sunday, 2.5 hours Monday, 1.5 hours Tuesday, 2 hours today)

I'll make it to 10 hours this week, definitely! I have half of Thursday and Saturday to do it, so I should be fine. Gym is closed on Christmas, though. :\ I mean, that's good for the employees, but I dunno what I'm gonna do.

Today I did Pilates, then some sort of workout on the treadmill that was supposed to get my heart rate up to like 150 ("the weight loss zone" or something), but it was basically just... walking up an increasingly steep incline for half an hour. After that I went on the Stairmaster for about half an hour with some weights. Sadly, I did not get the one I like. There are two machines, and one is closer to a ceiling fan, so you get a nice breeze sometimes. Today though... I got the one with no breeze. :( Oh well.

After the gym, I hung out with Sean... basically the rest of the day. We watched all of One Punch Man, which is a silly fighting anime. I felt like it wasn't quite as entertaining in the second half of the season, because it kind of just became a lot of battles, but it was still pretty decent. Apparently it's pretty new, so I hope they make a second season! Still waiting on Rick and Morty too, although I know that's going to take a lot longer...

Going to make vision boards with my friend tomorrow. I forgot to ask her what time she wants to meet up, so uh... I guess I'll text her in the morning about that. >.> Was thinking about going to see her after hitting the gym, but my calves are a bit sore from the Stairmaster, so I wonder if I should skip tomorrow...?

But... that would mean two days off... :( What to do, what to do... maybe I could just do something light? Walk a couple miles on the treadmill? Do upper body stuff?

In other news... this game looks interesting:

Cibele

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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I didn't make it to the gym before it closed today, so I didn't get to 10 hours this week. Boo. >:(

Maybe it's for the best, though... I talked to Sean about my shins feeling kinda weird (it feels like someone spent about ten minutes kicking them), and he thinks I have shin splints. So I guessssssssss I should probably rest or something... Ugh... I'm looking at compression calf sleeves on Amazon, hoping that will help.

Whatever, I'm going to do a spin class tomorrow morning. That probably won't hurt my shins. I'll just do things with less impact.

For some reason I really like punching the air while holding dumbbells. We did that in one of the classes I took, and it was fun. Maybe I should take kickboxing...

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On the erm... mental(?) side of things, I've been reading this blog all day and I like it a lot. It's written in a kind of clickbait-y way, but the information seems pretty solid. Some of the articles are kind of like extremely condensed versions of things I learned in my classes.

Here's one article:

Top 10 FBI Behavioral Unit Techniques For Building Rapport With Anyone

Based on what I've been reading, it seems like I've more or less been on the right track with a lot of my goals/directions for self improvement, so that's nice to know. On the other hand, it's a little disappointing, because I'm not really getting new directions to go in... I guess I just have to keep working on getting better at the same things.

Things I want to work on at the moment:
-Being able to give anybody a sincere compliment (but also just complimenting more in general-- I have been doing this, at least)
-Giving people genuine smiles (the kind that say "I'm happy to see you!")
-Figuring out what questions to ask that will get people to talk more (this one is tough; I think I need to be able to read people better to do it)
-Finding a good boundary between giving to others and preserving myself
-Saying more positive things to other people to balance out the negative ones, or reframing negative things so they don't sound so bad (I'm realizing that I'm really not very good at this, which is kind of a bummer, but I just need to remind myself more and build up that habit, I think)

Recently I have been thinking about how my mind works. I think... a lot. As in, I think I have a high volume of thoughts. Of course, I can only guess that, since I don't know how many thoughts other people are having, but... based on my interactions with other people, I get the impression that they aren't thinking at the same volume as me. I'm not saying that's a good or bad thing, it's just... a thing.

I guess my coping strategies have always incorporated this in some way, but I don't think I was really aware of it until now? Like, I've never thought I could change the volume of my thoughts. It didn't seem like something entirely within my control. I can change the nature of those thoughts, but not necessarily the number. And what ends up happening is that I try to redirect that mental flow so it's not so focused on negative things. I mean, I could have a hundred thoughts about how much I dislike something, or I could have twenty thoughts about disliking that thing, and eighty thoughts about ways I might try being a better person.

"Don't think about it" has always seemed like some of the most useless advice imaginable to me because of this. It doesn't seem like a resolution, which is what I want. And I don't mean some sort of solved situation out in the external world, just an internal sense of understanding. A reorganizing of the pieces so that they fit together in a way that makes sense to me.

I think these things mainly apply when I'm alone, though. When I'm around certain people it's like my mind shuts off for a bit and I'm just there. This happens a lot when I hang out with Alex K., and he asks me what I'm thinking about. The only response I can give is "I'm not thinking about anything, I'm just being here." It is a tranquil feeling, but it doesn't make for very good conversation.

When it comes down to it, I think I'd rather have some conflict in my life and have things be interesting than be peaceful and boring. Well, if those were the only two options, anyway.

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Gym time this week: 9.5 hours

Did the Stairmaster for half an hour while holding weights tonight. I'm hoping it burned around 400 calories... I was following a workout plan that supposedly burns 500 calories (you hold weights in your hands while alternating speeds on the machine), and I had the machine set a couple levels higher than what the plan called for, but given my weight and the fact that I was holding weights a little lighter than I was supposed to (the 3 lb weights were missing, so I had to use 2 lb ones), I'm guessing that I probably didn't actually burn 500 calories. I'm not sure if 400 is a generous estimate or not, but the machine said I did about 330, so I'm hoping that it's a reasonable guess.

Did some triceps extensions after that, but I didn't feel like doing the weight machines, so I just went on the treadmill for uh... I guess it would've been about 40 minutes, if the cooldown period is included. I tried switching it up a bit by walking with 5 lb weights, then walking without weights at a faster speed, then running, then walking again. That was okay. I'll probably do it with weights again in the future. Also ran a mile, which was kind of boring because I was going at a sorta slow pace, but it was after everything else, so I guess I should maybe be happy that I had the energy to run the whole thing.

I used to not like the idea of going to the gym because I felt like it would be boring/a waste of money to do stuff like run indoors. Well, you know, I haven't really changed my mind about the running part. Running on a treadmill is really, really, really boring. At least music helps. According to the treadmill, which was probably wrong, I burned around 230 calories or something between the walking and running.

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This was so unexpected, it made my night.

Crossfit

I should make that my workout song.

Also, this subreddit that was linked in the comments:

r/curlsinthesquatrack

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In my therapy session today, my therapist commented that I was much more animated than usual, and was using a lot of hand gestures to illustrate my points. I guess he was right. I'm usually much more physically reserved.

I talked to him about the difficulty of finding people to connect with. We use the analogy of fish in a pond. I often feel like a koi fish in a pond of goldfish, and I wish I could find other koi fish. There's nothing wrong with goldfish, they're just... not the same as me. And I've been feeling that difference a lot more lately.

My therapist suggested looking for people somewhere besides the internet, and I'm not opposed to that, but I have no idea where to even start. One of the biggest difficulties is that I have no interest in making new friends over shared activities or hobbies. I explained to him that even though environmentalism is a cause important to me, I don't identify as an environmentalist. I don't really identify as many nouns, to be honest. That sounds really dumb and pretentious, but I mean, I just don't feel like any of these things are an integral part of me. They're things I do, not things I am. I write, but I don't call myself "a writer." I collect webcomics, but I don't call myself "a collector."

The problem with this is that people tend to bond over these shared identities. People like to say "oh, you're this thing? I'm this thing too!" I just don't feel that way about the activities I engage in. I'm not attached to them like that.

How do people meet other people? These are the ways I can think of off the top of my head:
-Existing social connections (friends of friends)
-Clubs/activity groups (which tend to be interest-based)
-Nightclubs/lounges
-Parties
-Work
-School
-Internet (Social media, chatrooms, uhh... Craigslist?)
-Going up to strangers and striking up conversation (which is what my client does, but I am not going to do this)

I'm not in school anymore, and my work/volunteering is very solitary, so I can't meet people through those. I don't want to go clubbing to try to meet people, and anyway, I don't think the kind of people I want to meet would be at clubs. My friends don't seem to know people they think would match well with me. And activity/interest-based groups... Ehh... My experiences with that in the past have been largely disappointed. If there was a "meet up and just talk about anything" group, maybe that would work, but then, why not just go on a chatroom?

And you could try to make the argument that I'm just "not trying" these things, except that I have tried all these things. I go to every party I'm invited to if I can, I've gone out clubbing with friends, I've chatted up strangers. So far I've only really had any success with relatively lasting connections that have come from online.

When we talk about grad school, my therapist likes to suggest that I might find my koi fish there, but I'm afraid to hope for anything. Maybe grad school will have people like me, or maybe it will have people who are goldfish.

Probably the worst part of this is that I was perfectly fine with being a koi fish in a goldfish pond until relatively recently. It's like a hunger that's been reawakened. If you're hungry and you just don't eat, the feeling tends to dissipate after awhile, so you don't notice it anymore, but then if you eat something, it suddenly comes back full force. That's what this feels like.

I guess on the plus side, if I never find another koi fish, I'll eventually get used to it and forget what it was ever like to know one, and I won't feel the longing anymore.

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Went to the gym for an hour tonight. That makes 6.5 hours this week, I think. I'm going to go again tomorrow if I can.

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