I've been watching Adventure Time. This song is nice, but for some reason it feels sad. Maybe mono no aware.

"Everything Stays"... I'm sure this will be taken down eventually, or maybe soon.

Let's go in the garden
You'll find something waiting
Right there where you left it
Lying upside down
When you finally find it
You'll see how it's faded
The underside is lighter
When you turn it around
Everything stays
Right where you left it
Everything stays
But it still changes
Ever so slightly
Daily and nightly
In little ways
When everything stays

Something about it reminds me of "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails.

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

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Speaking of mono no aware, this story by Ken Liu is worth reading.

And since I'm on the topic of things that don't last, I watched this video this morning before I got up, unfortunately, and I guess it might have colored the rest of my day a bit.

A comment I saw said the title translates to "parakeet won't let his dead spouse go"... but the video is kind of self-explanatory if you watch it. It's not clear if the little guy even knows exactly what's happening, but regardless of whether he understands his girl is dead, it's pretty sad.

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One of the callers I got at the crisis line tonight asked if I had ever been lonely-- constantly, every day, for a long time. I didn't know how to respond to him. We're not supposed to tell the callers about ourselves. He said that he thought if he just had a girlfriend, it would stop. In my head, I said sometimes that's not enough, and you still feel a deeper sense of loneliness that your partner just distracts you from for brief periods of time, but I didn't say anything to him. Eventually, he said "I guess you don't want to answer me."

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I finally wrote up a small statement of purpose and sent it to the professors I asked for letters of recommendation from. I've been paralyzed with anxiety for weeks over that. Literally weeks. Months, even? But it couldn't wait any longer. I need to have those recommendations written, and I need to write the full six page autobiographical essay for the application.

It feels terrible to wake up every day and think about having to write something, and staring at a blank page, and having nothing come out, and feeling guilty, and feeling tired, and feeling like you're not allowed to do anything enjoyable until you finish. That's basically been my life for the past few weeks, excluding my responsibilities outside of the house.

It's been on my mind so much, all day, every day. I go to bed and lie in the darkness and think about it, or I stay up and try to distract myself so I don't have to lie in the dark and think about it. If I could fall asleep more easily I guess I wouldn't stay up so late.

Oddly, I did feel relieved a few days ago, which unfortunately only prompted me to put off writing the brief statement longer. Now that it's written, I... don't feel significantly better? Maybe because I'm not done yet.

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In better(?) news, I got a new babysitting job offer! For $18-20 an hour, which is pretty luxurious compared to the $12 an hour I asked for my current babysitting gig. Gonna be rollin' in dat dough, assuming it works out.

Also, I've been skimming some etiquette guides, and I kind of wish that finishing school was still a normal thing. I feel like there's a lot I could learn from that. Sometimes I just feel entirely ignorant of social etiquette, and it would have been nice to actually go somewhere and be told the right way to do things.

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I feel like I listen to so much "mainstream" music now that I drive... Just have the radio on all the time...

Still, I guess there's nothing wrong with that. Good stuff stands the test of time.

"Cold as Ice" by Foreigner.

You're as cold as ice
You're willing to sacrifice our love
You want paradise
But someday you'll pay the price, I know

I've seen it before
It happens all the time
You're closing the door
You leave the world behind
You're digging for gold
Yet throwing away
A fortune in feelings
But someday you'll pay

---

Thinking about locus of control in relation to existential psychology and how it relates to my life. I think I generally have an internal locus of control for most things, although to some extent I have more of an external locus for good things (e.g. I'm less likely to believe I have control over whether good things happen to me, and if they do, I might not believe I caused the good thing to happen). I feel like personal responsibility is a tricky subject, and I have trouble being consistent with it. I take too much responsibility sometimes for things when I shouldn't, and then something bad happens and I withdraw and don't want to claim any responsibility anymore, and maybe I sort of... play the victim? I don't know if it comes off that way to other people or not.

In any case, I feel like I have trouble treating this as a grey area, and I just vacillate between extremes. It's hard to know how much anything is ever really my fault. Maybe my alternating happens because I have a tendency to think I'm responsible for everything, so other people try to reassure me by saying I'm not, and then I... overcompensate when I try to listen to them? Need to practice moderation more. :\

On the bright side, I've been feeling calmer and less anxious these past couple days than I had been for awhile. There's a mild ache I'm not sure will go away, but... it's not the worst thing ever. I just......

I've been thinking about how I would act differently if my lifespan was virtually infinite. Many of my actions are heavily influenced by time considerations, and that would change a lot if I had unlimited time. I think I would spend time with different people. I think... I would travel more. Maybe take more risks. Well, depending on the risk. I wouldn't want to spend eternity missing a leg or something. Most of my wants might stay the same, though. I'd still want someone to love and care for.

Oh, another good thing. I think that I'm starting to feel less burnt out. I find myself having more patience for difficult people and empathizing more, at least in some settings. That's a pretty huge relief. Maybe it's easier though when I'm just trying to defend someone who doesn't have other people sticking up for them.

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So, I got a Spotify account. Have been listening to Point B songs that aren't on Youtube. I feel like I could just lie on the ground for hours and do nothing but listen to these tracks.

"Versus" by Point B:


I know this kind of music is boring to some people, but something about it is deeply satisfying to me. I was reading about Gestalt psychology on Wikipedia the other night, and I feel like this quote applies: "The whole is other than the sum of the parts." It's not about the individual beats or noises, it's how they're assembled, and the whole piece is more than just a sparse pile of sounds.

There's definitely a solitude that I feel in it. Something subtle and twisting, slow and mysterious, and very much alone. I think of floating on a black pool and watching rings expand around me in the water. It's tranquil and eerie and I feel like I can breathe.

But it's not loneliness... I think in order for it to be loneliness there would have to be the potential of others. There would have to be a contrast between existing alone and existing with company. But listening to this, or feeling it, rather, it's like there is nobody else, and there never has been and never will be.

And things feel better for just a moment.

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"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" by Jack Johnson.

Well I was sitting, waiting, wishing
You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
The Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you

I had a friend in high school who had a lot of disdain for Jack Johnson, and I never really understood why. She didn't explain it, either, so all I can do is speculate. His songs aren't particularly complex, I guess? But I don't know, they sound alright to me. Well, the... three or four songs that I know by him, anyway.

Right now every song I listen to falls into one of two categories: sad or boring. I don't really want to listen to sad music, but I just hear sadness in all the music I have. Maybe it's just my emotional state manifesting itself through my environment. I don't consciously feel too sad, for the most part, but there is a sense of blandness about the world.

I saw this on Facebook and it made me sad:


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My friend was telling me about his learning disability and some of the difficulties associated with it, and... it really made me think about what school and stuff has been like for me. He doesn't want to take meds if he can help it, because he doesn't think being neurodivergent is something that needs to be... corrected for, I guess. And I think that's perfectly fine. I just worry that the stress of doing as much work as he has to do is going to hurt him.

In a way though, I wonder if we might agree on this subject. I'd consider myself fairly neurotypical, except maybe for the depression and snatches of depersonalization. Still, I don't really like the idea of using medication to counter those things. As long as I'm relatively functional, it doesn't seem necessary.

He said that he wants to be in the field he's going to school for because it's basically the opposite of what his brain is "designed" for, and if he succeeds he'll be part of a very small group of people who don't have a natural aptitude for it, but are doing it anyway. I think he wants to bring some different perspective to things? At first I didn't quite understand what he meant, and thought he just wanted to beat the odds, but I asked about that and he clarified things.

I think I've said this before, but I really admire his attitude about things. It seems like he embraces challenges and pushes himself to do his best. Maybe I'll catch some of it by being around him... :P

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