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A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Friendship definitions
Friday, February 12, 2016
Gym time today: 1.5 hours.
Total this week: 14 hours.

So I hit 14 hours in six days because I'm taking tomorrow off for writing group. Can't make my normal classes in the morning if I want to get to the group on time. Oh well. There was a sub for Bootcamp tonight, so I guess it was actually a class called H.I.I.T., which I think stands for High Intensity Interval Training. Walked a mile and ran a mile (level 1 incline, 8 minute mile pace) afterwards. I've been feeling nervous about running on the treadmill, so I haven't been going as fast as I probably could... I also used the safety clip today, but kept thinking about what would happen if it didn't work.

I was thinking a little about friendship today. It seems like my friendships (and maybe friendships in general) are based on either frequency or quality of contact, or some mixture of the two. If I talk to someone a lot I might consider them a friend. If I don't talk to someone a lot, but I feel like they are there for me if I need them and we can have meaningful interactions, I consider them a friend. Ideally I would have frequency and quality, but that seems like it's not really available to me right now.

Anyway, there are some people who might consider themselves friends with me but who fall into neither of these categories, and I wonder if there is any benefit to flat out telling them we're not friends. Does it serve any practical purpose?

I like to know who my friends are and have things defined, not left to ambiguity. Sometimes friendships just fade on their own, but I guess I prefer the feeling of closure that comes with formally ending a friendship. Not that it's something I enjoy, I mean. But just... I feel like I'm at this place in my life where I notice when people add nothing of value to my life, and it feels like a waste of my time to deal with them even on a minimal level.

Having a friendship where you casually interact with someone once a month or less is really unappealing to me. Why am I even bothering to keep them in my life if that's the extent of our relationship? Do you even care about someone if that's the entirety of your interactions with them? Maybe it works for other people, but I don't like it.

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People and behavior
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 12.5 hours.

Pilates Fit and Turbo Kick today. My abs actually felt kind of sore by the end of it, but it's not noticeable now.

At the moment I'm listening to this and trying to just focus entirely on the music.

I've been in my head too much lately and I need to step out of that a little, I think. Considering (again) shedding people from my life. I talked a little to my friend Mike (not Fro's boyfriend) about it. He said he doesn't like the idea of burning bridges with people, because you're essentially giving up on them and suggesting that you don't believe they can change. I agree with him, but with some of these people, maybe I should just give up on them. I believe that everyone is capable of positive change, but there are some people who just don't want to, and there's not much you can do to change their minds.

The domestic violence agency I used to intern at shared a link on Facebook, and although I've never been physically abused, I felt like I could relate to some of the elements in this story:

‘I Believed I Could Love The Abuse Out Of Him’
I thought if I were a good enough girlfriend — if I just loved him enough — he wouldn’t want to hurt me again.

I guess this is something I've (mistakenly?) thought in general about people. "If I'm just a good enough person, people won't want to hurt me!" The problem, I suppose, is that wanting to hurt someone and actually hurting them don't always go hand in hand. The idealistic part of me (which has been withering away for a few years now) wants to think that if I'm just good enough, people will want to not hurt me. There's a slight distinction between that and not wanting to hurt someone.

If you don't want to hurt someone, you don't have an active desire to hurt them.
If you want to not hurt someone, you have an active desire to avoid doing things that might hurt them.

A fine line, maybe, but I feel like the difference is still enough that it's worth noting. In the latter category, I think people would be more motivated to check their behavior for things that could have a negative effect on others. In the former category, it's like, "well, I'm not going to put energy into hurting you, but if it happens anyway... whoops! Accidents happen!"


Yesterday night my mom knocked on my door and asked, in a rather aggressive tone, why I hadn't thrown away some goat cheese on the counter that we'd discovered was moldy earlier in the evening. I told her I didn't know what I was supposed to. She immediately got defensive and said "Well who did you think was going to do it?" I could tell, based on more past interactions than I'd ever care to count, that she was implying that I expected her to do it. I told her that that's not what I was saying, and my point was that I did not know I was supposed to dispose of it. She didn't understand me and angrily asked again who else I thought was going to throw it out. I had to repeat myself numerous times and explain that my point (I didn't know I was expected to throw this out) was different than what she thought I was saying (I expected you to throw this out). I told her I didn't think it was a reasonable assumption that I would just know it was up to me to throw out the moldy food, and she started going on a rant about how I was the one who realized it was moldy, and she had left to do some work at her school, so I shouldn't have thought she would do it, and how I shouldn't have just left the goat cheese on the counter for "someone else" (her) to clean up.

I've been through this conversation (is it even really a conversation?) so many times and really didn't want to go through it again. Eventually though, I told her that I thought a better approach on her side would have been to ask me to clean it up instead of demanding to know why I hadn't cleaned it up already. I'm still not sure she actually understood what my original point was, but at least she accepted the alternative course of action I suggested.

If/when I have my own kids, I am going to avoid repeating my mom's behavior as much as I possibly can. Having lived with this all my life though, I'm honestly surprised I don't get defensive way more than I do. I know I used to, but I've been working on not doing that for a few years now. My mom acts like a lot of things are attacks or demands directed at her, and she reacts with hostility and aggression. It's only in recent years that I started to notice this so clearly. She's also a really bad listener, although I knew that before. I think my dad might be a better listener, but I haven't had as much close contact with him as I have with my mom.

I was talking to my therapist about how I don't feel like I've really had any positive role models in my life (or any role models...?). People I admire, sure, but not people I look up to consistently as people to model my own behavior after. I just construct an image in my head of what ideal behavior looks like and try to follow that, instead of having someone I can actually watch. This is normal to me, but my therapist's reaction made me feel like it's not supposed to be normal. Maybe this factors into why I'm not in the habit of asking people questions about how to do things, though. I might just have a deeply ingrained belief that nobody has answers for me and I have to figure things out on my own.

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Things have to change
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 10.5 hours.

Piloxing in the afternoon, then Cycle Fusion in the evening. Took it kind of easy in Cycle Fusion because my body was sore from yesterday for some reason.

Last night I had a dream that I went to work at an escort agency. You were allowed to work there whenever you want, no obligations, if you had a card, but you had to apply for the card. I applied and acted a lot more confident than I really was, and they gave me a card. My first client was a nervous Indian guy. We went through a door from the lobby into the back corridors where all the rooms were, and one of the staff led us to an empty room. In the room, we sat on a couch, and I tried my best to be perky and friendly and asked about his work. He wasn't very talkative, but I tried to ask some questions to get him started. Then this guy I met from OKC, the one with the hungry eyes, came in and killed my client. I guess it was part of some kind of plan to "rescue" me? I realized I was part of the plan, and we were supposed to kill all the clients and the staff of the agency, but I had changed my mind and didn't really want to anymore.

"What You Were" by The Drums.

You came along
You came along
I got into your car
You came along
I knew I was wrong
I knew I would die

But still I gave in
I gave you my heart
I gave in
I knew I would die


I feel different today than I did yesterday. I think I haven't been using some of the tools available to me to deal with stuff, and I need to pick them back up. It's been too long. Things can't go on as they have been.

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Eh, mixed things
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 8.5 hours.

Bootcamp, walked a mile, spin class, walked another half mile. No running today because Bootcamp was tough and I wanted to save energy for spin. Maybe another day though. Aiming for 14 hours again this week! I have been looking at r/progresspics and wondering if I'll become as toned and fit as some of the people on there. I guess it takes time, though. Maybe I would need to keep this up for a couple years.

I babysat today, and this text exchange happened:
Me: I'm babysitting and standing up, and the baby keeps coming over to tap her head on my butt.
Kyle: Can't blame the baby for that. I'd tap that ass too if I could.
Me: -__-
Me: r u proud of urself
Kyle: So proud

I had a dream last night that I met SL and we hung out with my family and he seemed kind of put off by the stuff we did while hanging out. It made me feel kind of anxious and stressed out.

In real life though, he replied to me twice today! :0 So, that's been cool. Not that I had a bad day, but that was probably the highlight of my day... Aside from looking at adorable floofs like this on Imgur, of course.

I miss my birds so much. I feel like things would feel a lot better if they were still here. It's been harder to handle some of the stuff in my life without them around. I guess I never realized how calming it was to care for them and be able to look over at their cage when I was feeling bad.


Thinking about this and growth vs. fixed mindsets again...

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One potato
Monday, February 8, 2016
Gym time today: 3.5 hours.
Total this week: 6 hours.

Pilates, ran a mile (level 1 incline, 8 minute mile pace), walked almost a mile, CSI, Total Dance. My knee is finally starting to heal over, so I thought I would give running a go and see how I felt. My chest felt kind of bad towards the end of the run, but I figure I can probably get back into it without too much trouble.

I started off today feeling sad. I think I had a sad dream, but I couldn't really remember it when I woke up. I kind of wish I could remember it, but maybe then it would have kept making me sad. I don't know.

Better things that happened today:
-I participated in a study for Google. I can't talk about it, because I signed an NDA, but it was interesting.

-My dad told me a story about his grandmother. Apparently her leg got infected when she was young, and her family went to the haole (white) doctor (this was in Hawaii), and the doctor said that there was no cure and they would have to cut the leg off, because otherwise the infection would spread and kill her. Apo (I don't know if that's the right spelling, but this is what my dad calls his grandma) cried and said she'd rather die than live without her leg. Her family decided to wait on the decision and went to the temple to pray for advice. They used some fortune sticks, and the priest there interpreted the sticks for them and said "There is a doctor in your house." The family owned a farm and had some hired farmhands (from China, I think), so they went home and asked if anybody was a doctor. Nobody came forward, so Apo's father asked each person individually, and the last guy admitted that he knew some medicine. Apo's father was like "Why you no say something!?" and the guy said he didn't have the herbs he would need to cure Apo. He said it used to grow there in the valley, but there was no more. Apo's brother volunteered to go searching for it with the farmhand, and they hiked across mountains and valleys all day, searching for it. Finally, it was starting to get late, maybe around 4 pm, and they hadn't found anything. The farmhand said "I think your sister's luck has run out," but Apo's brother didn't want to give up, and said he would go down into the last valley and keep looking. Well, he found something that matched the description (a vine climbing a tree), and the farmhand asked if there was "one potato under it." (When my dad was telling this story, he quoted Apo, and she spoke in a mixture of pidgin English and Chinese, so he thinks 'potato' in this context means 'root') The brother found the "potato," seemingly the last one there, and brought it back to the farmhand, who cut it in half and made the medicine with one half, then saved the second half for later. They went back to Apo and applied the medicine, then bandaged up her leg. She had a fever for awhile, but it went away. After some time had passed, they took the bandage off, and pus(?) poured out of her leg like "one can condensed milk" (I went "AAAAAAHHHH" when my dad said that part). The farmhand applied the second dose of medicine, rebandaged the leg, and it healed up. Apo's foot was crooked because of the way it had healed, though, and she complained to him. He told her to wait a few weeks for it to finish healing. A few weeks later, she went back to him, and he said "you want me fix your foot? I can do." She said she did. He said to look away, and asked, "You scare?" She said "I no scare." Then he apparently just grabbed her foot and did something that popped it back into the correct position. It's always interesting to me to hear these old stories about my family, and to hear my dad speak pidgin.

-That OKC guy I have some hopes for messaged me back today! It had been a few days since he last responded, so I was a little bummed about that before seeing his message today. Not sure if I will be mentioning him that frequently on here, but I'll call him SL for now just in case. I guess he has been busy for work, so he didn't get around to messaging me back, but he apologized for the slow response rate, which I appreciated. I know too many people who are either not aware of their poor response rate or who just don't care enough to apologize for it.

I guess it was Chinese New Year today. Uhh... so... happy Chinese New Year, I guess.

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Sunday, February 7, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 2.5 hours.

Normal gym stuff today. Spin class, walked on the treadmill at an incline, Bosu Blast. The Bosu class today had a lot of Pilates stuff in it, which was... interesting, I guess. I would have liked more cardio.

Last night I felt like listening to this song:

"The Impression That I Get" by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

Have you ever been close to tragedy?
Or been close to folks who have?
Have you ever felt the pain so powerful,
So heavy you collapse?
No? Well...

I've never had to knock on wood, but I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

Have you ever felt the odds stacked up so high
You needed strength most don't possess?
Or has it come down to do or die?
You've got to rise above the rest
No? Well...

I've never had to knock on wood,
But I know someone who has
It makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet, because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

I'm not a coward, I've just never been tested.
I'd like to think that if I was I would pass
Look at the tested, and think there but for the grace go I
Might be a coward, I'm afraid of what I might find out

I've never had to knock on wood,
But I know someone who has
It makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet, because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

Never had to, but I'd better knock on wood
'Cause I know someone who has
Wonder if I could, it makes me wonder if I've never had to
I'd better knock on wood, 'cause I'm sure it isn't good
And I'm glad I haven't yet
That's the impression that I get


Even though I like this song, I have kind of mixed feelings about it. I feel something... I don't know... bordering on contempt? about the idea of never having had to go through anything particularly painful or difficult, and approaching it the way this song does. I mean, I guess there's not much you can do if nothing that bad has ever happened to you, but this attitude of just "oh, well gee, it seems like it's not good to have to go through that" is so... eugh.

At the same time, the singer seems like he's having some doubts about his ability to handle actually tough things, since he's never had to. I find that part of the song less off-putting. You never really know what you're capable of until you've been tested... Still, I don't like it when people's reaction to that unknown is to shy away from anything that might test them, instead of finding out how much they can actually do. Better to know what your limits actually are, yeah?

In high school I often felt like I was dumber than my peers, but I also thought that I could probably get higher grades (like straight As, as opposed to my As and Bs) if I put in more effort. I told myself that I just didn't want to try harder, though, because caring about stuff like that was stupid. Looking back, I think I was afraid of finding out I couldn't do as much as I told myself. It was easier to think I wasn't fulfilling my potential because it just wasn't important to me to achieve than to think I was afraid of failure.

Not caring and not trying are two things I've been distancing myself from in the past few years. I feel like those were the habits of a weaker and more fearful person, and I don't want them getting in the way of my life. I've also been feeling less patient with people who don't care about things, though. It's one thing if you've got depression or something and you just can't, but it's another if you don't care because it's harder to care and you're scared of getting hurt. I have a hard time respecting people who do that. One of the people who kind of faded from my life is that kind of person, and once I found out, my opinion of them decreased a lot. Life is pain, and life is suffering, and if the fundamental choices you make in life are based around trying to avoid suffering, even if it means sacrificing other things, I can't really get behind that.

People adapt and people grow stronger, but you can't realize that intrinsic potential if you're always running away or withdrawing into yourself. I'm tired of people who do that. I want to find more people who go out of themselves and learn and grow and embrace challenges...

I guess these are things I've said before. My therapist was telling me I need to stop getting close to emotionally insensitive people though, and thinking about that has been frustrating me. I feel like I have a pattern of forming social connections with people who just don't know how to handle anything and don't find their own ways to do so, and they like to wallow in their stagnant lack of self-growth.


On a happier note: At the gym, I regularly see a fairly obese woman in some of the classes I take. She can't do all the exercises, and she leaves early sometimes, but she seems like she's there consistently, and it makes me really glad to see her. I'm happy that she's trying to exercise and do something good for her health. Whatever her goals are, I hope she reaches them.

Transition periods are the hardest, and the lifestyle changes she's made to switch from whatever was keeping her obese to what she's doing now can't have been easy. I really admire people who make that shift.

Also, there's this girl who goes to some of the dance classes I go to, and she just looks really genuinely happy to me a lot of the time. I saw her without a smile once and it felt so strange. She seems like she really enjoys the classes and has a lot of fun, and I would like to imagine that she enjoys life in general (although I'm sure she has some of her own worries-- we all do).

I've been feeling kind of negatively for different reasons lately, and seeing people who are doing something positive or who look happy helps things seem better. I like looking at r/progresspics for that reason.

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Made up
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Gym time today: 3 hours.
Total this week: 14 hours.

Yay! Made it to 14 hours! I stayed at the gym for an extra hour today since I didn't go yesterday. Did spin class (which included upper body exercises with light dumbbells) and Body Blast. Also walked on the treadmill. Don't remember the speed/incline, but it said it was burning 8 cal/min. -Shrug-

My mom went with me to the spin class, and halfway through the class, the instructor was like "That's so cute, you guys are matching" and my mom called out "Yeah, do you think we're related?" I looked over at my mom's shirt, looked at my shirt, and realized we were wearing the same shirt. This is like the third time it's happened and I don't know why it keeps happening. I'm definitely not doing it on purpose. If I remember, the next time I go to the gym with her I'm going to wear a different shirt... >_>

So tonight A Thing in The Series of Things That Have Been Happening Which I Have Not Talked About Here happened. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do about it yet, if anything. It's not that this is necessarily a super personal thing, I just haven't felt like blogging about it, I guess. I think my few non-Nutanger friends who read my blog will ask me about it if they want to know/if they care, and that's enough.

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Friday, February 5, 2016
I guess Friday is the day I skip the gym now... seems like it's been that way the past couple weeks... I didn't have time to go today, though. Had work in the morning, then babysitting not long after that, and then I had dinner with Jasper in the evening. I could have gone between babysitting and dinner, but it would have been very rushed and didn't seem worth it.

Dinner was nice! I got a salmon salad and enjoyed it. It's not as delicious as the salmon plate with rice, but still pretty good. No complaints. Jasper and I caught up a bit, then we went to his friend's house and played some games with the friend and a girl I assume was his girlfriend. We played Get Bit!, which is a game where you have to play against your friends to see who gets eaten by a shark. After that was Rampage, in which you are a Godzilla-type monster and you're trying to basically wreak as much destruction as possible on a city. Last was Wise or Otherwise, in which you get the first half of an old saying and have to write something to complete it that sounds plausible. You take turns reading out the first half and writing the actual ending, and everybody else writes their own and then votes for what they think is the right answer. If someone votes for yours you get points.

I was thinking earlier about what it would be like to have my own car, and maybe I would have a vanity license plate that said "BIRBSSS". I guess that's only if I lived in California though. Would probably be "BIRBSS" if I was somewhere that only lets you have six characters.

Also this pleases me immensely.

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