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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Guess the ethnicity
Saturday, March 19, 2016
So there's this game that guys on OKC will sometimes try to play with me. I've decided to call it "guess the ethnicity" because that's basically what it is. This is how it goes:

Guy: So where's your family from?
Me: Here? The US?
Guy: Yeah but I mean, what about your family outside the US?
Me: My whole family is in the US.
Guy: But where did you come from?
Me: I was born here.
Guy: I bet you're Vietnamese. Taiwanese? Ooh, Japanese? Or maybe from Singapore?

One time a guy said I had "Hmong eyes" and I had to look that up to find out what it meant.

It's sort of weird and annoying that people assume I'm "not from here" just because of the way I look. I mean, I speak/type English perfectly, I have no references in my profile to anything Asian, and I never bring up my heritage in conversation.

Just makes me kind of tired. I've seen other Asian girls bring up this problem before, so I know my experience isn't unique. I know some people write it off and just say "oh, well they're just interested in your culture!" but like... you kind of know that they're not asking these questions to every person they meet. If you went up to a white person and said "where's your family from?" it would have a different meaning... Or they'd be like "Ohio" or something if their family hadn't just been in this state for generations, and that would be that. You can ask white people about their ethnic background, but there's a low chance they'll have a strong connection to it. I know a lot of people can name their ethnic makeup (e.g. "I'm French, German, and Scottish") but I've never seen anybody get that answer and follow it up with "So what's it like being from Scotland??"

I guess the reason that this is tiresome or obnoxious or generally just unpleasant to deal with is that it implies I don't really "belong" here, because of the way I look. It's not an active discrimination thing exactly, but it's one of those... implicit association things, I guess. I don't get to be just "American", because the default image associated with that is a white person. Gotta be "Asian American" instead, but a lot of people don't really distinguish that from just "Asian", and there's still a connotation of... otherness to it. When you're just American, being American doesn't have to be the focal point of your identity, but when you're Asian American, sometimes it's like that's the first thing people pay attention to, and that's the most prominent part of who you are.

And yes, I know that people aren't trying to be racist or anything by asking questions about my ethnic background, but it still says something about how they view me and people who look like me. It's easy for people who have never experienced it to write it off and say it's just people being "curious" or "interested in your heritage" but like, it really does wear you down over time. It's a hard thing to complain about because other people minimize it, but it gives you this sense of not being normal. It's annoying when people repeatedly tell you that you can't be "from here" because you're Asian. I don't want how people identify me to revolve around my ethnicity. Maybe that's why I like meeting people in chatrooms and stuff... they can't form first impressions of me based on my physical appearance.

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Friday, March 18, 2016
Lately I haven't been remembering my dreams... It's kind of strange. I know with certainty that I have been dreaming, but I can't recall the plots or anything of the dreams. But... I think at least that I've been having nice dreams. I wish I could remember them. Today I woke up with some guitar tune in my head that was playing in the dream. I can't remember it now, but it seemed kind of like a jazzy, stylized "Girl from Ipanema" song. I have only faint impressions of what I've been dreaming about, but it feels like I've been having low key dreams about just hanging out with people and talking to them. I think it's people I don't really know, though...

Umm... my dad switched out the graphics card in my computer for a new one, and it seems to have fixed the constant crashing problems, so that's cool. I think the card my ex put in there was getting close to being ten years old (2007?), so it was time for an update anyway.

I had friends over today, so that was nice, if a bit tiring because I'm still sick. I spent a couple hours before they came over just cleaning up my room and the kitchen a bit. It's been awhile since the last time I cleaned my room... What with... stress and stuff... I hadn't gotten around to it. Mostly I just needed to put away clean laundry, throw some unneeded papers into the recycling, and vacuum, so nothing too complicated. I also dusted a bit and put some books away... I'm kind of running out of bookshelf space for everything, though. My dad gave away a big portion of his sci fi collection last year, and I didn't want to let some of the books go, so they live in my room now. Unfortunately, that means I don't have as much shelf space for my own collection of books, so... I should maybe get rid of some. A lot of my books have sentimental value attached to them, so it's hard to know what I'll be able to let go of without regretting it. I feel comforted by having them around.

Earlier today I was talking to Kyle, and he said he was considering quitting his job, and I semi-jokingly suggested that he should get a job near me when I go to grad school, so we can hang out while I'm there. He said that would be cool though, and I think it would be pretty interesting if it ended up working out.

I made mac and cheese today because we had some Gruyere we really needed to get rid of, and I used some smoked Gouda as well in it... Sadly my sense of taste has been severely dulled by being sick, so I could barely taste it. I honestly can barely see the point of eating when I can hardly taste anything. It's awful. I keep eating because it's so dissatisfying to not taste anything, but obviously that doesn't help... ugh...

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Slow recovery
Thursday, March 17, 2016
I'm still sick... Slowly getting better, but it's taking awhile... I don't think it's bronchitis, at least. I get tired so easily now. I hung out with Alex for a couple hours for our Terrible TV Thursday, but that was about all I could handle. It's difficult to talk for an extended period of time because the congestion seems to build, and then I can't breathe.

The latest episode of The Magicians got really dark... And then it cut off at this horrible huge cliffhanger moment. Gotta wait until next week to find out what happens... I wish I hadn't been totally exhausted while watching. It's strange; the show started off really dumb and cheesy, but it's been getting darker, I feel. It still has some super silly moments (like one of the characters responding to some creepy stuff in a haunted house by going "WE GET IT, THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED"), but yeah, it doesn't feel quite as cheesy as before. There was less to make fun of in this episode than usual, and mostly we were just going "wtfffffffffff"...

Um... so something good... This webcomic I used to really like, Blip, started updating again. It hasn't updated since 2012, and nobody knew what happened to the creator. There was some talk about some kind of accident, and people were speculating that the creator had died. The original site that hosted the comics went down, but people saved all of them, and someone set up a mirror. It's really amazing how loyal the fans were/are. Anyway, I kept the link to the site bookmarked, and was checking it every now and then for the past few years just to see if anything was happening, and both sites I had bookmarked (one on Rampage Network and another one) were gone. I knew there was a mirror, so I Googled for the comic, and found out from the Facebook that it was updating again. At this point I really thought the creator was just dead or something, so it was a huge surprise. I read through the whole archive today to catch up, and it's really cool that it's finally updating. Seems like the creator isn't going to say what happened, exactly, to cause the disappearance, but... well, at least he/she is back.

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What are friends for?
Monday, March 14, 2016
[12:20:58 AM] Me: Ugh, this isn't the sickest I've ever been, but it still feels like crap
[12:21:26 AM] Noah: sorry mija
[12:21:40 AM] Noah: get well soon <3
[12:21:57 AM] Me: If I die, I'm going to request they use this for my funeral
[12:22:11 AM] Noah: dude
[12:22:12 AM] Noah: lol
[12:22:17 AM] Noah: damn thatss hilarious
[12:22:26 AM] Noah: the FUNeral
[12:22:34 AM] Me: I legit want one of those things
[12:22:43 AM] Me: Everything else will be 100% serious and then I'll have that.
[12:23:00 AM] Noah: lol now that's a funeral I would attend
[12:23:15 AM] Me: I'll make sure you're on the guest list.
[12:23:25 AM] Noah: thank u friend
[12:23:40 AM] Noah: I would crash it anyway

A bit down today, but this cheered me up a little, so I thought I'd post it.

I am still pretty sick and had to miss the gym again today. :\ On the bright side, Hatoful Boyfriend: Holiday Star is on sale on Steam, so I picked up the Dove Actually extended version of the game for only $7.49.

Feel like I should have played Portal for the context of this, but it was on Gifsound and I enjoyed it, so here:

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Bad dreams
Saturday, March 12, 2016
It seems like no matter how much sleep I get, I still feel tired.

I keep having dreams that it's raining and I'm driving somewhere, and I realize I'm alone in the car, and I'm going way too fast, but I can't control it. Maybe I've been having these dreams every time I sleep and just don't remember all of them, but that's why I wake up with anxiety.

Watched this on Future Shorts and thought it was sweet. It's a different side of old age than the one I see when I do my hospice visits.

I feel like I might be sick or something, because I've been feeling congested and mentally foggy for the past couple days. Kind of starting to get a headache now as well.


Good thing for today:
-I had a shift at the crisis line today, and one of the callers told me that he thought my voice was nice. He said it was very soothing, and that I sounded present and compassionate. The poor guy was going through an awful time, so I'm glad that the sound of my voice was apparently calming to him.

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Almost had more excitement I didn't need
Friday, March 11, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 10 hours.

At work this morning, they put us on lockdown because the police were chasing a guy and he ran into the sanctuary at the church. This was the first year where I wasn't working in the sanctuary (the nursery is in the same building as it), so I didn't come directly into contact with him, but still, nobody was allowed to leave until they caught him. If this had happened last year, or if I hadn't been moved from the nursery to a different room, it's very likely I would have seen him... I used to push babies around in the stroller in the lobby between the nursery and the main sanctuary, so he would have run by me.

Anyway... nobody got hurt as far as I'm aware... I don't know much about what happened, though. My dad thinks he was unarmed, but there were apparently five police cars chasing him, so I wonder if he did something really bad.

Still having trouble eating normally today. I did have a relatively big lunch (though smaller than I normally would have) at Sweet Tomatoes with my dad, but that was the only real meal I ate today. I had a Clif bar before going to work, and a small amount of leftover spaghetti tonight, but not really enough to qualify as dinner. It was... maybe about a quarter of the amount I would typically eat.

Good things for today:
-I got admitted to grad school. Unfortunately I can't seem to be able to feel positive emotions at the moment, so I'm not really excited or happy about it. Kind of just like "oh, yeah, I guess I got in."
-They had grilled cheese focaccia dippers at Sweet Tomatoes, and they tasted good. I'm not sure what they put on them though-- something like buttered breadcrumbs, maybe.

It's really a struggle to think of good things when you can't feel happy.

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I wish I could wake up without feeling panicky
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Gym time today: 3 hours.
Total this week: 9 hours.

I did go to the gym yesterday and Tuesday, but was too exhausted to say anything about it. I had a hard time getting through my classes today, too. My legs hurt a lot, and I didn't really have the mental clarity to follow along well in Turbo Kick. I'm not sure why, but I felt lightheaded at times and kind of dizzy, and wondered if I would pass out (I didn't).

I've had a lot of physical anxiety over the past few days, but I think depression is setting in now too. It's hard to tell how much the fatigue factors into that. Lack of appetite is probably exacerbating things, too. I was hoping that keeping up the exercise would help prevent depressive symptoms from cropping up, but I guess it's not enough.

My dad is encouraging me to try driving again, but I haven't been able to even get into a car without my heart rate going up a lot and my chest tightening. I technically can drive, but I just have to deal with difficulty breathing while I do, and I've only driven once since the accident (with my dad in the car).

Well... on the plus side... depression is overriding the anger. Maybe I should count that as a good thing.

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I'm surprised to be alive right now
Monday, March 7, 2016
On my way back from the hospice today, I lost control of the car while going around a curve when I was exiting a highway to merge onto a different highway. I didn't even have time to register what was happening, but I heard myself screaming as the car rolled and the roof bounced off the pavement. It landed back on its tires, and I sat there and just stared out the windshield until I realized that some people had stopped and were calling out to me to ask if I was okay.

All the back windows had shattered, the windshield was covered in cracks, the headlights were coming out, and the front left tire had blown out. My mom thinks that it's possible that there was something wrong with that tire that made me lose control. I don't know.

One of the drivers who had stopped called 911 for me, and the paramedics came very quickly. The police showed up almost immediately after, and asked me what had happened. It was hard to talk to all the people asking me questions because I couldn't stop crying. I feel very numb now, but for some reason I keep crying on and off anyway.

This was the first accident I've ever been in. I thought that my first accident would be something small, like accidentally running into someone's back bumper, not something that totaled the car I was driving. Nobody else hit me, at least, and nobody else was hurt as far as I know, so that's good.

The airbags didn't deploy somehow, and I don't know if things would have gone better or worse if they had. I don't really feel much at all right now. Just tired, I guess. Very tired.


Good thing for today:
-I somehow didn't die. I still don't understand how, but I didn't. When I was sitting on the curb waiting for the paramedics to come, I wondered if I actually had died, and this was just my ghost imagining what would have happened if I'd survived.

I don't know if this is really a "good thing" exactly, but I felt very un-self-conscious about crying in public today. It seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do, considering all that happened. Normally I am extremely self-conscious about crying in front of anyone, even my therapist (I haven't cried in front of him about anything yet, actually), but it didn't seem to matter at all after the car crash, which was good, because I couldn't really stop myself from crying.

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