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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Misattribution of arousal
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Gym today: 2 hours. That makes 10 this week! I did a fairly intense spin class and a fairly not intense class called Body Blast that I think had more to do with strength.


So I saw this guy I thought was pretty cute, which is very unusual these days. I don't think I'm surrounded by unattractive people, but I just feel physically uninterested in the vast majority of people I see.

When I was in high school (and before that), I had a lot of crushes, but they were all appearance-based because I was way too shy to actually talk to anybody I found attractive. I've had almost no crushes since high school, but on the few occasions I have, my reaction to them is... basically the same as in high school. I didn't want to date any of my crushes in high school. I didn't even want to talk to them, usually. Just wanted to look at them from afar.

Now that I am attracted to almost nobody based on appearance alone, I don't have to worry as much, but the old shyness kicks in full force on the rare occasions when it does happen. Case in point: Aforementioned dude. His picture is attractive to me to the point where I want to hide from it. (I don't want to actually talk to him or anything, though)


I was thinking about why this might happen, and my hypothesis right now is that it's related to misattribution of arousal. The basic idea is that when you have an emotion, you feel some sort of physiological arousal, but you depend on the context of the situation to label what your emotion is. Sometimes you get that label wrong. With me and crushes, I think that I'm interpreting that physiological arousal as a fear response instead of an attraction response, so I end up feeling sort of anxious and intimidated.

Ah, the joys of being awkward and shy.

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Welp! I guess it's 2016
Friday, January 1, 2016

So, no gym time yesterday or today. It was only open from 7am-1pm, which wasn't really convenient. (I didn't even get up until after 1 today...)

Two classes planned for tomorrow, though! So I'll still make it to ten hours, hopefully.

I had a pretty chill New Year's Eve. I went to Sean's house and hung out there with School Alex and Sean's friend, Carla. Made mac and cheese to share, but there were only four of us, so... it didn't get finished, haha. It was a nice time though, super laid back. We mostly just hung out and chatted, but we also watched Big Fish. It was Alex and Carla's first time seeing it I think. Sean and I have both watched it more times than we can remember. It's a great movie, though. I ended up staying at Sean's house until like... 3am. Hence not getting up today until the afternoon.

Today was pretty laid back too, I guess. My mom and I went over to Santana Row to return my and my brother's Christmas gifts from my aunt to H&M. Sadly, they couldn't give us a cash refund, so they just gave us merchandise credit. :| I have no interest in shopping at H&M, so it's kind of disappointing, but oh well. I ended up walking over the Free People and getting a couple things there on sale. Finally got that bra cami thingy that I keep trying on every time I go there. XD Also got a new long sleeve shirt! I got a bunch of long sleeve shirts from Old Navy when I was like, 15, and haven't really gotten many more since then, so I'm thinking I might start replacing some of them... Although they haven't worn out yet, so maybe there's no need? I dunno. Nine years is a pretty decent amount of time to have owned shirts from Old Navy, especially considering they were like, $5 or $10 when I got them. I also still have that hoodie from Old Navy that I got when I was in 7th grade... and it still fits me... Yay for not growing much? Maybe? >_>

I might be meeting up with someone this weekend, but we'll see, I guess. No idea what we'd do, or what it would be like. I've gotten a lot more lax about meeting up with people though, I think. Dude seems nice enough, so I'm not too worried.

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Just to record
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Gym hours this week: 8

Rounding down to an hour at the gym today. Did a class called Body Blast that was cardio/strength with no breaks, which was pretty tiring, then ran a mile for good measure. Felt sleepy when I got home though, which was unexpected. I went in the morning and thought the exercise might help wake me up.

Took a nap, went to my shift at the crisis line, came home, sleepy again.


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Tuesday, December 29, 2015
No classes today, because I had to visit a hospice patient in the morning and babysit from 11:30 AM to 6 PM. I still went to the gym for a bit over an hour, but I just ran a mile and change, walked one (with weights) and did the Stairmaster until it said I'd burned 300 calories. I don't trust it to be accurate though, so I figure I probably didn't burn that many... If I believed the machines though, then I'd estimate I burned about 500 calories. Which is... maybe the equivalent of all the snacks I ate today. >_>

In order to get the baby to eat, I eat in front of her sometimes, and they have Goldfish crackers in the cabinet now. Goldfish are like crack to me. >.> If I was given a lifetime supply of them... I'd definitely fear for my weight. And my health. Maybe I would just eat so many that I'd get sick of them, though. If that's even possible...

Today I felt pretty sleepy until I went to the gym in the evening, but overall it was a decent day. The baby being happy was a big factor in that. She even wanted to give me a goodbye kiss when I left!

Gonna try and catch a class at the gym tomorrow morning if I can, but if I'm too tired I guess I might just go and do the machines again. Only three more hours and I'll be at ten again, so I can take it easy if I want, I suppose.

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Monday, December 28, 2015
Three and a half hours at the gym today. Six this week.

Pilates was really easy... I was expecting it to be much more difficult, based on the previous classes, so I was kind of disappointed. CSI was alright, though. The dance class after that was much faster paced than I was expecting, so it was kind of hard. Also walked a little under two miles in the ~30 minutes between Pilates and CSI. I keep wondering if I should try running instead of just walking at an incline, but I don't want to risk getting too tired right before a class... Hrm... Maybe I could try running for the first half of the time and walking the second?


I've been talking to someone new, and I think he started flirting with me and I feel kind of awkward about it. I like talking to him, but I wonder if he only wants to talk to me because he wants something more than friendship... :\

The uncertainty of social interactions is very anxiety-inducing and I wish it didn't feel like such a big deal.

That seems like a weak way to think about it...

I wish it was different.
I need to make it different.
I should make it different.
I will make it different.

We'll go with that last statement.

Until I figure out how to keep the internal feelings and thoughts from being generated in the first place, at least I can try to express things as if I'm not having all these doubts and worries. Fake it till you make it, you know. Or well, emulate the behavior you aspire to until it becomes second nature, I suppose. That's a bit more of a mouthful, though.

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This again (gym stuff)
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Okay, starting off the week with 2.5 hours of gym time.
-Spin class
-Walked 1.5 miles on the treadmill to kill time between classes
-Bosu ball class

Plan for tomorrow:
-Something between to kill time (probably treadmill, since it's not tiring)
-Cardio Strength Interval class (CSI)
-Total Dance class

I think that would be 3.5 more hours, for a total of 6 hours. Total Dance doesn't feel like a workout though, because it's not intense at all, so I wonder if that even counts. I mean, we are technically moving the entire time, but ehhhh. Movement by itself doesn't feel like exercise to me. My mental definition of "exercise" is stuff that makes me sweat, makes me tired, makes me sore. Gotta be at least two out of three to count.

The spin class I took this morning had showtunes as background music, which... would definitely not have been my first choice, but I did like this one, at least:

"One Night in Bangkok" by Murray Head.


This is one of those songs that I've had forever, but wasn't too interested in, and then it came on the radio and it felt a lot more... meaningful? all of a sudden.

"Say It Ain't So" by Weezer.

I can't confront you
I never could do
That which might hurt you
So try and be cool
When I say
"This way
Is a waterslide away from me
That takes you further every day"
So be cool


I've had this open on my tablet for awhile now:

Everything Doesn't Happen for a Reason

I don't know if I agree with everything it says 100%, but I liked this part:

When a person is devastated by grief, the last thing they need is advice. Their world has been shattered. This means that the act of inviting someone—anyone—into their world is an act of great risk. To try and fix or rationalize or wash away their pain only deepens their terror.

Instead, the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. Literally say the words:

I acknowledge your pain. I am here with you.

Note that I said with you, not for you. For implies that you're going to do something. That is not for you to enact. But to stand with your loved one, to suffer with them, to listen to them, to do everything but something is incredibly powerful.

There is no greater act than acknowledgment. And acknowledgment requires no training, no special skills, no expertise. It only requires the willingness to be present with a wounded soul, and to stay present, as long as is necessary.

Be there. Only be there. Do not leave when you feel uncomfortable or when you feel like you're not doing anything. In fact, it is when you feel uncomfortable and like you're not doing anything that you must stay.

Because it is in those places—in the shadows of horror we rarely allow ourselves to enter—where the beginnings of healing are found. This healing is found when we have others who are willing to enter that space alongside us. Every grieving person on earth needs these people.

Sometimes it feels like people get so hung up on trying to solve your problems or give some sort of insight that they won't really be there with you. I could use more people in my life who are willing to just be present with me. I think that I got some of that when I hung out with Sean the other day. I would like to be there for others in the same way.

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Did it
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Got 10.5 hours at the gym this week!

I feel sleepy.

Oh, and Christmas was okay. It didn't feel like much of a holiday, really. Maybe holidays just don't feel special anymore, though. I dunno.


Also, I bought Cibele. Now I just need to find a good time to play it.

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Gonna make it this week
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
So far this week: 8.5 hours at the gym. (2.5 hours Sunday, 2.5 hours Monday, 1.5 hours Tuesday, 2 hours today)

I'll make it to 10 hours this week, definitely! I have half of Thursday and Saturday to do it, so I should be fine. Gym is closed on Christmas, though. :\ I mean, that's good for the employees, but I dunno what I'm gonna do.

Today I did Pilates, then some sort of workout on the treadmill that was supposed to get my heart rate up to like 150 ("the weight loss zone" or something), but it was basically just... walking up an increasingly steep incline for half an hour. After that I went on the Stairmaster for about half an hour with some weights. Sadly, I did not get the one I like. There are two machines, and one is closer to a ceiling fan, so you get a nice breeze sometimes. Today though... I got the one with no breeze. :( Oh well.

After the gym, I hung out with Sean... basically the rest of the day. We watched all of One Punch Man, which is a silly fighting anime. I felt like it wasn't quite as entertaining in the second half of the season, because it kind of just became a lot of battles, but it was still pretty decent. Apparently it's pretty new, so I hope they make a second season! Still waiting on Rick and Morty too, although I know that's going to take a lot longer...

Going to make vision boards with my friend tomorrow. I forgot to ask her what time she wants to meet up, so uh... I guess I'll text her in the morning about that. >.> Was thinking about going to see her after hitting the gym, but my calves are a bit sore from the Stairmaster, so I wonder if I should skip tomorrow...?

But... that would mean two days off... :( What to do, what to do... maybe I could just do something light? Walk a couple miles on the treadmill? Do upper body stuff?

In other news... this game looks interesting:


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