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Speak to My Finger
Books I have completed reading since January 2021:

1. The Enchanted - Rene Denfield
Thursday. 11.8.12 2:52 am
Wow. I never knew I had such reservoir of anger boiling inside me.

The day I updated my entry about the latrine, I was actually having a bad day. I was emotional cooked up that lasted until today, which certainly other factors fanning it. But the main thing that made me very upset is knowing a friend disliking my birthday gift and found it distaste. And then send me a thank you note that somehow I sensed annoyance.

How did I know? I picked it up while chatting. I have never ever felt so angry and emotional just because a friend does not like it.

Fine. I just pretended I don't know since I have no evidence. But the truth is, I feel like calling up and demand for answers, but then won't I be petty?

Fine. And later I saw a picture that angers me hell lot, and I got no freaking why, to the point I wanna take a blade and disfigure this person.

I just don't know why I am so overwhelmed with emotions today. Oh yes, I cried too.

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Tuesday, November 6, 2012
I accidentally entered the gents again!


I was in the library and my mind was so occupied with office work that I just dashed into the toilet without bothering to look at the sign. Well I attribute it to .... frequently entering unisex toilet in restaurants that the signs seemed to me obsolete.

Luckily, there was no one in the toilet. I found it awkward when I saw the guy's latrine and it took me a full 30 seconds to realise I was in the wrong gender's loo.

No wonder the cleaner was calling out "Ah moy, ah moy!" frantically outside....

And oh yea. It happened yesterday... luckily no students can recognise me... if not everyone in the office would laugh at me.


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Friday, October 26, 2012
I once had a conversation with a friend about love.

I think my bizarre introspect provoked that conversation, and added to that I have, after all, a bizarre year.

As I retrospect our conversation held mid this year, I just want to conclude that love comes in all forms. Just because a person has found love through the traditional way - boy meets girl - it doesn't mean love cannot be found in some unorthodox ways. And it also doesn't mean, those ways are non-existing.

What if, say, one day, you are in a party and busy mixing around, and you stumble upon a person you cannot take your eyes off? The more you look at this person, the more you feel you've known this person for all your life. The weirdest part would be the feeling is telling you that that is the person you have been searching for. As the lightbulb beeps "He/She is the one". You just cannot tear your eyes from that person. Because, no matter how much you try to put that person away in your mind, you will hear a weeping sound coming from your heart. There's a burning sensation of longing... yearning... and it is driving you crazy.

And, there you are, trying to look for answer... You consulted your friends and one by one tells you either go to hell because you are a sicko or stalker or you are just simply flirting with that person AKA you will forget that person once your 'heat' cools off.

But the weird truth is you have simply met someone you had an intimate relationship with in your past life, and you recognize that person's soul. On the internet, this phenomena is called 'recognising your soulmate' but not many people know about this, hence, they say you are nuts.

The conclusion to this story is people, sometimes, need to be open minded and be receptive to the unexplained explanation out there. No one is right or wrong, so why not be open minded lest knowledge won't come to you at all.

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Friday, October 26, 2012
After almost one year, I'm still in his mind and heart...

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so emotional now 2
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
21 10 2012 is our last official gathering. We didn't have perfect attendance but 25 out 29 came to the handover ceremony to our juniors who are going to Japan the following day.

It was a reunion, and we were all smiles, and hugging some members whom we have not seen for almost a year.

I never had the chance to meet my juniors and only had a glimpse of them during my arrival, and I already spotted the team leader chatting to some pretty juniors. Right. Old habit die hard.

When we met up, we realised we were wearing the same sport shoe! The sole survivors of the team! And no, we never make a pact to wear the same shoe.

The flag handover was held after the juniors performance. The performance was beyond our expectations. However, my batch felt ours was the best. I still could remember the adrenaline rush. It was hectic, but it was fun and it was worth it. It was worth to have those difficult moves, because we put up a fantastic non-stop show for 75 minutes, which surprised everyone on the ship. No one knew how was Malaysian's contingent performance like. We kept it a secret for a month. I still remember doing the Bhangra dance. Everyone just went gag when they saw the highlight of the dance, for they have never seen such movement before.

The bhangra dance was my favourite...

Here's the introduction video to my batch. We were so broke, but still we paid a professional videographer to do it. I still remember my team member asking me if we could have a video, as it has never been done by any Malaysian batches. Looking at his face, I remember how desperately he wanted this video to be done.

I did a farewell video for the juniors, but we didn't get to play. What a shame.

We had a cheers battle. I think our juniors were horrified how fierce ours were, because they were totally different from our finale rehearsal earlier. We had something like the Kiwi's haka. Our cheers roared and shook the building. And the juniors replied with a meekly cheers. What was that again? Karipap?

After the handover, we took the liberty to seeing off the VIP with one of our cheers. And we ended up singing to ourselves in a huge circle.

It was after all our last official gathering...

Farewell my batch. We will always be a family, may we meet again someday.

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so emotional now
Friday. 10.19.12 5:39 am
One year has passed since I went to Japan for the program. Today's date marked the anniversary of my gruelling pre-departure training.

I remember clearly that this day we practiced our dances, went through our discussion materials and last minute planning awaiting a dance teacher to teach us a 75 minutes performance.

And now my batch is creating a video for our juniors, and I am writing the captions. I found myself so emotional in writing those lines despite not knowing what pictures my team member will be selecting.

At the beginning, we have a lot of squabbles and misunderstanding, but after the trip, we become a family that we truly cherish. I have never shared this before, but given the nature of the content, it is appropriate to share.

During my tenure as assistant leader, I have had shed a lot of tears and braved heaps of challenges internally from my team. And every time I see them I wonder what they think of me. I had received complaints twice that I took my job too seriously and worse of all I never trusted my team members. It was very hurtful when likewise I felt I was treated with no trust, but each time I put on a smile bravely every time we had gathering, because I won't be defeated, because I cannot be defeated as a leader. Each strike I received I took it as a challenge.

And two days before we flew, god answered my curiosity. We were having the final round of sharing. It was something I don't look forward to, because I don't know what they will comment about me, and I knew one of them will highlight my high pitch tone during any of my excitement. And yes someone highlighted that.

I started off with team leader telling him he HAS to shine when the time comes and next is the hightlight of my pitch. Then someone said I should not be 'screaming' when I wanted to pass a message, which was why I said before I don't like my voice. I kept moving on to the next member with a lot of best wishes until I stopped at this female member. I don't really talk to her, except for hi and bye, and her words burnt into my memory.

"I always look forward to your closing speech, because it makes a lot of sense. I have a lot of respect for you."

That was the kindest word I have ever heard during my tenure. I clenched my knuckles to hold back my tears. I must have done something right.

During the trip, we still had some squabbles, but I did not involve or rather I was not allowed to participate in the team meetings knowing I tend to be too analytical or rather too perfectionist. But somehow I was glad that one of the members who complaint against me came to realise the reasons why sometimes me and other members were analytical, because we also simply want to make the event to go smoothly and a success, not like what she thought of me as some bitch crazy about power.

"At the beginning... We were strangers starting out an adventure of a lifetime. We were never told of what we will go through except we are fated to experience tears, joy and pain together in this time span...

The tears we shed were not sadness but of joy for having found a family and friend in you.

And here we are now, reunited once more, to close the chapter of our program adventure and to embark on a new life journey.

And here we are now, standing shoulder to shoulder, smiling together as family, and we shall always be..."

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