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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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The fascinating world of bowling
Friday, April 1, 2016
So today I found out that bowling is actually a very intricate and interesting sport, and that it's very complicated and difficult to bowl at a professional level.

This extremely long comment thread explains some of the factors involved in bowling... Not that I expect anyone to read all of it, but I've spent like the last hour watching bowling videos and reading these comments, and wow, my perspective on bowling has really changed.

Also, for reasons I can't explain, the faces of the helicoprions in this picture are hilarious to me: CLICK

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A little longer today
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 4.5 hours.

I went to a couple classes with my new gym friend today, and learned some stuff about her. She's kind of new to working out, so she was super sore after the first class we did... But hopefully she'll get the hang of it soon enough. I told her I was really sore in the beginning too, but eating more (and more protein specifically) was helpful for me. I hope I'm not sore tomorrow...

Feels like I'm getting sick again... I'm just barely over the last one, so this sucks.

Babysat for seven hours today... It wasn't too bad, because the baby was in a good mood. She spent a good few minutes petting the cats with her face today. She also parroted me a bit, so there was a brief period where I was just going "ha ha ha" and she was copying me. Apparently this was very funny, because she giggled for real in between the "ha"s. Those were the funniest ones, I guess. She didn't laugh as much at "hee hee hee" and didn't laugh at all when I tried "ho ho ho."

I feel... very tired now. It's just a little past midnight, and I don't have to get up early for anything tomorrow, but I might just sleep now anyway.

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First and third
Monday, March 28, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 2 hours.

-Sigh- Such a meager hour count. I finally got back to some of my regular classes, though. I was too tired to go to Mat Pilates, so I took a nap instead, but I went to CSI and the dance class after it.

We got a new car today... It's electric, so it doesn't have a huge range, but it's more than enough for most of the driving my family does. Also, this means I can use the carpool lane when I'm by myself! So yay for that.

I had a long and complicated dream last night that I didn't bother to try recording because it was too detailed and difficult to describe... But there was one part in which I got a guy to agree to do something if I led him to gold, and I rode in a giant wheel over mountains of gold pieces in a cave while he sat on some kind of sled or wagon that was attached to my... vehicle... by a piece of wire. The wire came loose, though, and I escaped from him out into open woods. There was a ski path, but dirt instead of snow.

The wheel was kind of like this, except maybe eight feet in diameter, so I wasn't scrunched in:

There were numerous shifts in perspective during the dream... sometimes it was in first person, sometimes third... I don't know how normal that is for other people, but it happens a lot in my dreams, I guess. More like watching a movie half the time than being an active participant in something... Especially in the ones where there's some element of body horror. But... I guess those are kind of simultaneously first and third person... It's hard to explain, because obviously you never experience both perspectives in real life, but yeah...

Here's another song my friend shared with me... It's very ambient, atmospheric... Like being in a trance... But something about it makes me think of seeing someone far away, whom I'm sure I've never met before, but who seems familiar in a way I can't place. It also reminds me of the darkness and solitude of the deep sea.

"Stranger" by Dentist.

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Building back up [2P]
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Body, nooo
Friday, March 25, 2016
Ugh, I guess taking a break from the gym really weakened me. Or maybe it was being sick. Or... just both? I don't know. Apparently that one class on Wednesday made me really sore, though. It feels like someone used my abdomen as a punching bag. Really sucks. I still need to cough sometimes, but it hurts a lot when I do. It also hurts a ton when I laugh. Thankfully(?) I haven't been laughing too hard the past couple days, but this morning one of the babies at work made a really hilarious face, and I laughed at it, which I instantly regretted.

Owww, it hurts to sneeze. >_<

I went to bed extremely early last night, after coming home from having dinner with my family for my dad's birthday. Was just so tired... I think I was in bed before 10, yet somehow I managed to sleep through my alarm at 8 AM. o_o (I guess in my defense, I was wearing ear plugs, because the neighbor kid was playing the damn saxophone when I was trying to sleep) Luckily my dad knocked on my door to check to see if I was going to work this morning.

Somehow, I was still tired during work, and after I got home, I slept more... Ugh, I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it just from being sick? I feel so tired all the time...

Maybe it's sleep deprivation, though. My sleep schedule has been really messed up. Last night was the first night in awhile that I went to sleep before midnight. Wednesday night I was up really late talking to a friend in... uh... Alabama? about various creepy/horror things... I shared "Spleen" by Ruth White with him, and he linked me to some Asian horror comics.

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First day back
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
I went to the gym today for the first time since... March 11th. :S I didn't feel very good when I was there, but I got through the class okay. It was supposed to be Piloxing, but the regular instructor was out, so we had a sub and did something called Core and More instead. It helped that it wasn't particularly fast-paced. I imagine it would have been easier if I'd had more sleep, had eaten something before going, and wasn't still a bit sick, haha.

Oh, and I made a new friend while I was there! That was pretty cool. She just got a gym membership and was asking me about the gym. I told her I liked it there and felt like it was a supportive/comfortable environment. I guess I really sold it to her, because she seemed very encouraged. We exchanged numbers after the class, so I'll hopefully see her again at the gym sometime.

I think Fro and I are going to analyze some messages to see if any trends pop up, so that'll be a fun little project...


I like this song, but it's practically impossible to figure out what some of the lyrics are...

"Don't Cry Those Tears" by Jack Colwell.

Here come the tears
I know the riddles of the heart
I know that sometimes it gets dark
I know the secrets of the mind
I know that sometimes it gets blind


I had a dream that there was a hospital, and it was night time. In one of the rooms, a bunch of bloody people, some eviscerated, were lying on cots, and some were piled on top of each other. A blonde middle-aged nurse was saying "I don't want to cut open any more people" tearfully, as she brought a scalpel to the abdomen of one of the patients. I inferred that she was being coerced or controlled in some way by someone else. I went out of the room and saw a man, balding, maybe mid-sixties, standing in a side room that had some counters and cabinets in it. He was the one who was controlling her, I could sense it. It was through mind control powers of some sort, though, so there was no direct evidence of his part in things. I had to kill him, to make him stop. I found a stick of some sort and tried to hit him with it, but it just bounced off as if he were made of rubber... And he laughed at me. He knew what I was trying to do, but somehow he was immune to my attacks. I managed to push him to the floor, though, and he turned into a blue rubbery Buddha-- the slim kind, not the fat bald one-- and became much lighter. I grabbed his shoulders and bashed his head against the floor and the bottom of a cabinet, and he seemed to shrink, but his face never changed its expression from its slight smile. I hit his head until it cracked and ketchup-like blood flowed from it, and then I dropped him. He was tiny, just a small blue figurine on the floor. I stood up and walked away, then woke up.

The images from the dream were very graphic, and stuck in my mind for awhile. I felt disturbed.

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I need to fix my sleep schedule
Monday, March 21, 2016
I slept on and off most of the day today, and I don't think that was a good idea. I feel weird now.

Have been remembering my dreams a lot more since the congestion decreased enough that I could stop sleeping sitting up. I haven't been noting anything down, though, or making an effort to retain any of it. Too many to bother with.

I did have a dream that I was watching Childish Gambino improvise lyrics to "Flight Of The Navigator" though. There was an open cube with an iron bar frame, and broken glass hanging from the top, and he was stepping in and out of it slowly, narrating his actions for the song.

I've been thinking a lot about moving, and what that will entail. It's not happening for another few months yet, but it's a big thing, I guess. Hoping I'll just get the school-owned apartment I'm waitlisted for, so I won't have to find something else... Thinking about the new people I'll meet, and what my cohort will be like... And my birthday, of course, since school starts the day after it. But Kyle is supposed to come up and spend my birthday with me, so that makes it less stressful to think about.

Was up past 4 this morning talking to a guy and sharing music... He linked some Gotye songs I didn't know (I only really knew "Somebody That I Used To Know" and "Eyes Wide Open" before). This one gave me a really strong sense of d�ja vu, but I have no idea where I would have heard it before...

"Hearts A Mess" by Gotye.

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3 AM trolling [2P]
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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