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Memores acti prudentes futuri


She said it was all make believe
but I thought she said maple leaves
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
―D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
―Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
―Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories― if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
―The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
― Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
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ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
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IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
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JBabb Comics
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Last Train to Old Town
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The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
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Medium Large
The Meek
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Monsterhood
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The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
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Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
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Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
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Subnormality
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Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
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Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
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Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
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Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Owen's Uncles
Patches
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Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
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SubCulture
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Thermohalia
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Ugly Girl
YU + ME
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Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
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Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
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Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
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free counters
On "becoming a man"
Friday, February 13, 2015
I like this song after the guy stops rapping in the first part.

You handle your own when you become a man
And become a man when you handle your own


---

I feel like, growing up, I was exposed to a lot of media that talked about "becoming a man"-- maturing, following some set of moral standards, being independent etc. I can't remember anything like that for "becoming a woman" though.

The sense I sort of got, I guess, was that you become a woman just by getting older, but you have to do something specific to become a man. The idea of being a woman was a lot more unfamiliar to me than the idea of being a man, since I just... never really encountered stuff explaining what one does to become a woman. Even though I'm not super masculine (in most domains at least) I feel like I sort of took the "how to become a man" framework as a more gender neutral guide to how to grow up. Maybe that makes sense. In the US at least, people usually associate a lot of the same traits with being a male and being a healthy adult. What you're supposed to be as a healthy adult female is kind of ambiguous because of this transitional culture we live in. We're not completely traditional in our gender roles but we're not completely egalitarian either, so there's a fair amount of uncertainty.

I don't think I've ever had a female role model, not really. And I don't think I've ever had the kind of teacher-student relationship that has inspired me to learn about something with another female. It's pretty much just been guys showing me things, getting me interested in new subjects. Most of what I understand about being female was stuff I had to figure out for myself by guessing at what other girls were doing, but a lot of the time I had disdain for what I saw. And my mom's never been much of a help as far as learning to be feminine goes... I think she stopped trying when I was in elementary school as far as that goes.

Anyway I have to go out now, but I wanted to get some of these thoughts out. Somehow I never really thought about this until I was looking at the lyrics for this song today.

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Quick music stuff
Thursday, February 12, 2015
I want to keep this short since I'm trying to go to bed earlier.

Songs I liked from the radio today:
"Antonio Carlos Jobim" by Heatmiser.


"Shark Attack" by Freezepop.


"Don't Laugh" by The Wedding Present.


And this is not music obviously but it amuses me.

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Eeee crowdfunding
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
It's so hard for me to resist supporting Kickstarter/Indiegogo campaigns sometimes.

There's one out for Monsterkind Book One right now, and I think I'm going to support it after I go deposit the money from my in field with my client..... It's only $25 for a soft cover! I don't talk about my growing webcomic book collection too much but I guess I rather enjoy supporting artists and having something to show for it.

There's also a KS for Broodhollow Book 2, which has gained a tremendous amount of funding in the couple days since it opened.

Before that, the last campaign I supported was the Indiegogo for Skullz 2, which sadly did not reach its goal, but which will still be made (thankfully).

One of my favorite parts of supporting these campaigns is that the rewards don't get sent out for months, so I forget about them, and then one day I get a package and it's like a surprise gift from myself in the past. I guess I kind of like that about buying from the internet in general, though. I try not to do it too often so the novelty doesn't wear off.

It's also sort of a way to keep some comics "safe" for myself in case the websites go down... I was lucky enough to be one of the people who got a Pictures for Sad Children book before the artist had some sort of breakdown and started burning the books, and the site was taken down so you can't see them there anymore. At least this way I have some of the comics (besides the ones that were meaningful enough to me to save prior to... all that).

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No context best context
Monday, February 9, 2015
[12:01:32 PM] Dan: I lay on top of gravel piles for their healing properties

[2:43:56 PM] Dan: Snow is actually poison
[2:47:34 PM] Me: We'll just send it to all the freeloaders living in LA.

[5:38:04 PM] Me: That seems small
[5:38:11 PM] Dan: ...For what
[5:38:14 PM] Dan: A dick, or a bag of rice

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ATUITD [4P]
Monday, February 9, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Ring thing
Sunday, February 8, 2015
So I uncovered the ring from the Diamond Candle my boyfriend bought me.

It's actually a light pink, I don't know why it came out looking so dark in the picture. The lighting, maybe.

It fits pretty well on my index finger, which is neat. I'm hesitant to wear it around though, first of all because I'm not a huge fan of pink, and second because I'm kind of worried I'll accidentally lose it or mess it up or something. Even though it's not worth a lot of money it's kind of a nice little thing to have.

Allergies are making me feel pretty terrible right now. I'm glad that it rained the past couple days, but it seems to have triggered an allergic reaction for me. My dad thinks it's mold. I don't really know. I don't remember ever having these problems before, but my sinuses are just totally out of whack right now. I have a sore throat and just generally feel bleh.

It makes it a bit hard to do my schoolwork, because I feel more or less like I'm sick, and I've been taking Zyrtec to try to help, which makes me a bit groggy.

Have been listening to this a lot today.

I guess you've never been lonely
There's never days on your own
'Cause each new one is so friendly
I think I talk for too long

My heart is born on the other side of judgement
How long's the wait, I should go, bet it's time


Hopefully I feel better in the morning, I guess...

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FPS
Saturday, February 7, 2015
I don't look at much on Reddit but I like reading r/fatpeoplestories occasionally. Anyway, I've been reading the Chibiham series and this was in one of the stories:

“No, no one is perfect as they are. We are given this time in our lives to steadily improve ourselves. The moment we let our guard down and become selfish enough to think we have obtained perfection, is the moment we have lost the battle, and lose all right to command respect.”

I thought it was a nice quote. The author sort of implied it was from Bushido, which I'd heard about but never looked at before, but I skimmed it a bit just now and it's somewhat interesting. Reminds me of that guy who used to be obsessed with me, the one who was kind of weird and seemed like he wanted to be a samurai. He seemed kind of... tortured, for lack of a better term, by my impassivity at the time. I guess he's not the only one, though.

When I was talking to my therapist on Wednesday I tried to explain a bit about my perspective on my emotions and my approach to dealing with them. I've pretty much been expecting for years now that I'll have issues with depression for the rest of my life, so my problem-solving strategy has evolved with that in mind. I don't use outside help if I can find a way to do it on my own, and as far as I can remember that's how I've been most of my life.

(Sometimes it just straight up doesn't occur to me that there is anything that can help me, honestly. Not because I think my problems are beyond help, but I just... don't think about what things exist in the world to address my issues. For example, even though I know painkillers exist, I basically never use them for anything except menstrual cramps)

I guess I don't really expect my depression to significantly scale up in intensity, so I sort of just do everything I can to prepare for the worst I can guess it could be, based on past experience. That wasn't worded very well, so maybe it would be better to say... I expect the depression to stay the same strength, so my approach has been to strengthen myself so that I'm stronger than it?

What I do to myself is sort of like exposure therapy I guess. I told my therapist that basically I try to think through things as thoroughly as possible and find different perspectives to see them (versus just ruminating, or thinking about the same thing over and over, which is unproductive and unhealthy) until I have no more desire to think about them, and that's sort of how I get over them? I feel like if I ignore or run away from things I'll never learn how to deal with them and then if I get into a situation where I have to deal with them, I'll be totally unprepared, and that could do a significant amount of damage to me (I think it's unlikely that I'd ever commit suicide but I know there's always a slight possibility). I'm not obsessed with having control for its own sake but I think it's very important as a safeguard.

So yeah, building up resilience. I don't ever want to be in an emotional state I can't handle. The idea of having an emotional breakdown isn't romantic to me anymore. I'm writing this post more as a way to document my own thought processes than as any sort of advice to other people. What works for me clearly doesn't work for some people, though I do advocate trying different things before fully dismissing them, of course...

---Edit---

Every now and then I look at Jasper Fforde's website to see what the status of the next Shades of Grey book is (it was originally supposed to come out in 2013... then 2014... then 2015...) and there isn't even a sequel listed there now... only a prequel scheduled for publication in 2016. I've been waiting so long for this book, and I wonder if it'll ever come out. :'( I loved the first one so much and I'll be sad if the story never gets continued.

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Busy busy bumbadum
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Wednesdays are shaping up to be my busiest days. Today I had my internship meeting, which to my great surprise/relief did not take as long as it usually does. After that I had a little downtime at home, but I went out to the store with my dad and we had lunch at a new pizza place. It's a chain I think, but it was pretty good and very reasonably priced. Would definitely eat there again. My dad got anchovies on his pizza and reminisced about the salt fish his family would occasionally eat with rice when he was growing up. I guess it was a treat or something, because he said they might have it once a month. He also told me a little about his grandparents and the different prices of meats when he was young. Shrimp was about 29 cents a pound and when they went fishing they would just buy a few shrimp and chop them up as bait.

My mom never tells stories about her past like my dad. I mentioned that to him and he told me a little about her. Her mom died when she was around my age, which he thinks influenced her family significantly, because my mom ended up staying around the area and going to community college so that she could be closer to her mom. After her mom died she went to UC Berkeley, though.

Once we finished lunch we did a little grocery shopping. I guess that 2PM on weekdays is when all the old people come out and buy large jugs of water, because there were tons of people in line in front of us who had that. It was... interesting.

Had my therapy appointment after that, and my therapist ended the session by saying he was impressed by how well I've handled some of the things in the past few years, especially considering that I didn't always have much, if any, help. He thinks I should "let my guard down" more and feel my emotions more strongly, though... I'm not sure what to think of that.

And now... in about an hour I have to do my shift at the crisis line. Gotta figure out what food I can bring to eat while I'm there... Since the shifts are several hours I'll probably need at least a little something to munch on, and I'd rather have something more substantial than the not-so-nutritious snacks provided for the volunteers.

Music from the radio today:

"Hold the Line" by Toto.


"Can't Break Me Down" by Billy Idol.

Man, every time I see what Billy Idol looks like I'm just reminded that he did not age well. His face looks like a monkey skull with spiked hair now. :(

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