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Tuesday. 1.2.07 5:31 pm
God life just sucks right now. Everything is so screwed up and there's nothing I can fucking do about it.
We're so short handed at the front desk that Jenn is still going to be working 7 day weeks. And apparently the girl that used to be working that had to go out on sick leave isn't coming back. So not only do we have to wait another month probably to hire a new person, but it's gonna be another few weeks after that before we can even use them because we'll have to train them.
This busy cycle is already putting a strain on our relationship and now it's probably going to last for another two months. Not that it bothers Jenn in the least. She doesn't seem to be bothered by anything. As long as she gets to take her walks and spend time alone she could care less how little time we get to spend together.
I'm apparently the only one in this relationship who's bothered by the fact that we only get to see each other for a few hours a day. Sometimes not even that. Sometimes we only get to see each other in the half hour transition while we're changing shifts. I'm the only one who's bothered by the fact that, even though we're supposed to be in love and have been together for over a year, we only get to have sex once a fucking month. That's not normal! And it's not like I'm sex crazed or anything. Sex actually means something to me and it would be nice to have sex with the only person that really makes me feel like having sex more than once every 30 fucking days.
It's so fucking frustrating. It hurts and it's pissing me off because I don't know what to do. I love her and I don't want to leave her but at the same time she's pissing me off. It's like our relationship doesn't mean anything to her.
I don't doubt that she enjoys being with me, but most of the time I feel like it doesn't matter to her one way or the other if we're together or not. Even when I'm with her it feels like we're always doing something else or she's thinking about something else. Like she never even gives me a second thought. I know she has a lot on her mind but how can she claim to be in love with me if she barely thinks about me?
I think about her all the time. Even when I'm working. I can't stop thinking about her. I'm crazy about her and most of the time I feel like she just... likes me a lot and that's all. She says she loves me but I'm honestly beginning to wonder just what the hell that means to her. I'd honestly like to know.
Fractions of Love
Thursday. 12.28.06 3:04 pm
I figured out what this knot in my stomach is. I've been over it and over it a million times but I think I've finally figured it out.
I'm in love, and yet I feel completely and utterly alone. I only get to see my girlfriend a few times a week, usually for only a few hours when she remembers to set aside time for us. The worse part is, I'm honestly beginning to question if she even really loves me. I'm beginning to think she only thinks she loves me for some reason.
When I was younger and more naive I had all these ideas and hopes about what it would be like to be in love. I imagined wanting to be with each other every second. I imagined snuggling and holding hands and having long conversations late into the night. I imagined both of us thinking about the other person and missing them when they weren't around. And not being able to wait for the next time we'd be able to be together.
It's not supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to feel like I love her more than she loves me. I'm not supposed to feel guilty for wanting to spend so much time with her.
Everytime I try to get close she reacts as if I'm trying to smother her. Like I expect her to give me every ounce of her attention and free time. Half the time all I want is to just be around her. It would just be nice to feel like I'm important to her. Like she needs me even a little bit. Instead of feeling like if I disappeared she'd be sad for a week or two and then move on.
It would be nice, just once, to have her call just because she wanted to talk to me or hear my voice. To have her want me to come over because she misses me or feels lonely, and not because she thinks she's obligated to spend time with me.
I can name a dozen little things and quite a few big things about her that I love but sometimes I wonder if she'd be able to do the same. Sometimes I wonder if she doesn't just like me a lot.God so much of the time I just feel like crying because I'm so in love with her and miss her so much and all I want is to feel like she feels the same way. It's ripping me up inside. I feel awful all the time now. I can't work up an appetite for anything. I have no friends except for her, I have no hobbies that I'm good enough at to distract me. I live in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with no car and no license.
The worse part is I honestly don't know if I'm justified in feeling this way or if there's something wrong with me.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
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