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Sunday. 1.7.07 4:08 am
And just when I think things are going to be okay...
It's just so fucking frustrating. Jenn is apparently incapable of spending more than 5 hours in a row with me without needing at least a 20 hour buffer before we spend time together again.
Today was great. It didn't start off great... because she forgot to set her alarm which would have severely cut down the time we would have gotten to spend together today (after her 2 hour walk anyway) but she made up for it by letting me go with her today. In a stroke of luck the battery on my mp3 player died, so we spent the whole morning talking about random shit and walking around the neighborhoods. It was great. If only every day could be like that.
Then this evening I tell her I'll help her carry in all the water she bought. But apparently I wasn't going fast enough because her first instinct is to get pissed off at me for taking so long to get here. I do shit for her all the time that she doesn't even notice much less thank me for. Not that I do it for the recognition. I do it because I like doing nice things for her. What does upset me is when she gets pissed off at me when I try to help her. Which happens repeatedly.
So then I get a look at the schedule. Turns out I'll be off Monday, and Jenn won't have to work at 7 in the morning like she usually does. So I think "great, now I get to hang out with her in the morning and I'll get to sleep over that night." Haha. Think again.
Apparently getting to sleep over means I don't get to see her at all tomorrow. She wants to play sims all day. Not only do I get shoved aside for work, other people, and her own personal time... but now she's taking away our time together so she can play a fucking game? I'm not even asking for a lot. All I want is just to be in the same room as her. I don't need her whole attention... but I'd rather be in the room watching tv or playing video games than sitting at home doing shit wishing I could be with her.
It just hurts that she doesn't even think about this stuff. She's completely satisfied that we only get to spend a few hours a day together. She has no problem knowing she's not going to see me for the next 18 hours. She thinks its okay because we spent the day together and I'll be sleeping there tomorrow... Which makes me feel like I'm supposed to just be there when she wants me to be and then when she doesn't, I'm supposed to just fall off the face of the earth.
How the fuck are we ever going to be able to live together? How the fuck are we going to be able to go on a honeymoon if she can't stand to have me around for more than 5 hours without a break?
It just... it pisses me off and it hurts. And it hurts even more because there's not a fucking thing I can do about it. Because she's probably never going to be as crazy about me as I am about her. That's just my luck. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't even miss me when I'm not around.
Great. Fucking great.
Is Need part of Love?
Saturday. 1.6.07 4:48 am
Music: Josh Groban : You Are Loved (Don't Give Up).
Okay time for another update. For one thing, I need new music. I know this song will probably sound sappy to some people, but I think it's really pretty.
As for everything else...
Things are... better. Not ideal, but better. We're still both going to be really busy for the next few weeks, but hopefully we'll have someone hired and trained in less than a month. Hopefully.
Things between me and Jenn are better too. Still not the way I want them to be, but love is about compromise. Even if I don't always feel it I do know she loves me. If only by seeing how readily she puts up with all my shit and how willing she is to make this relationship work.
Things are still frustrating sometimes, though. Like the fact that every time we fight it somehow ends up being my fault. Or the fact that, even though I repeatedly tell her otherwise, she thinks that every time I talk to her about something that's bothering me about our relationship I expect her to fix it. Which isn't the case. Usually I just need to talk it out with someone I care about who I feel understands me, and then I feel better. She's getting better at it, though. One day at a time.
God I wish we could move. I hate being here so much. Her needing to be friends with this other guy would be so much easier to deal with if I didn't know about it. If I could just trick myself into believing that she's just working late. Or at the very least if we were living somewhere where there's a ready supply of distractions. (Vegas will be perfect for that.)
I told her that I'm okay with it, but the truth is there's a part of me that will never understand why I'm not enough for her. Why she doesn't look forward to seeing me. Why she doesn't want to be around me as much as I want her around. She says these things, but even though I love her and trust her, there's a part of me that never believes. Actions speak louder than words, and if she really looked forward to seeing me she wouldn't need to make me wait a half hour so she could talk to some guy that doesn't give a shit about her.
Eventually I'll learn to ignore that part of me, but it will always be there. I'm always going to have a little voice trying to tell me everything that's wrong with me, or with my relationship. It's just one of the scars that someone like me, who has a nasty habit of falling in love with people that don't really care about you, carries the rest of their lives.
I do love Jenn for putting up with it this long, but I'm really going to have to shove the voice in a closet from now on, because I think she's reaching her limit.
It's just a hard thing to do. Give up on all the expectations you had for a relationship. These are things that I've thought about since I was 14. Since I first realized that I had reached a place most guys only get to in their 20's, and some never get to at all. The only thing I've ever known that I wanted from my future was that I wanted to be in a relationship. That I wanted to be in love. To be married, to have a family. Nothing else about my future was ever clear.
And whenever I thought about that future I always imagined being with someone who would, unlike anyone else, want me around all the time. Or at least as much as I wanted them around. Someone who didn't need anyone else but me to feel whole and normal. I can understand Jenn's need to feel like an individual, but I don't think she really understands the kind of relationship I imagined when I was young. I never wanted to be with a clone, or with someone exactly like me. I wanted to be in a relationship where we were both individuals. But individuals who need each other.
Isn't part of love reaching a point where you can't live without the other person? Isn't that normal? Or am I just deluding myself? Will she ever feel that way about me? If she doesn't, does that mean that she hasn't really fully given her heart to me? And if so, is it fear that stops her? Or will she just never need me?
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