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It's all so f*cked up
Friday. 1.12.07 4:57 pm
Sometimes I wish I had the courage to say exactly what I feel. Sometimes I wish I knew exactly what I felt.
So much of the time lately I can't put my finger on whether I'm angry or hurt or both. There's so much that I want to say to her that I hold inside instead, for whatever reason. Fear that it will drive her away. Fear of hurting her.
It doesn't change the fact that these things are still in my head driving me crazy. And not all of them are stupid. Some of these things I think I'm actually justified in feeling.
We're so different sometimes. And not always in a good way. We seem to have totally different ideas of what being in love is supposed to be like. And especially lately, I'm really starting to feel the difference.
I just don't understand. When did being in love with someone suddenly mean that you DON'T spend time with them? If you find someone that you really care about shouldn't that person be the one person you want to spend MOST of your time with? Shouldn't you miss them when they're not around and look forward to being with them?
I can understand why she feels this way about love, and it would be easier to deal with if she at least admitted that she has a skewed idea of love from her childhood. But everytime I try to bring it up she reacts as if I'm trying to change who she is. As if wanting to spend most of her time alone is part of who she is, rather than just something she had to do to cope with her childhood.
And then there's the situation with this other guy. Sure she says he's her friend. And I believe her. I don't think there's anything going on. But until we can live together and I don't have to go 15 hours without seeing her or talking to her I'm NEVER going to be okay with how much time she spends talking to this guy. She's known him all of what... 3 months? We've been together for over a year and she supposed to be in love with me. Yet even on days where she hasn't seen me all day and we have plans to meet up she still feels the need to talk to this guy for a fucking hour when she knows that all I'm doing is sitting in my room with nothing to do but think about how much I miss her and how much it hurts that all she can think about is how much she wants to have a good conversation with a guy she barely knows.
I can't even talk to her about THAT. Because it always ends up being my fault or my issue. Somehow it always turns around like I'm being paranoid or jealous. And instead the simple truth is that it hurts. It hurts that she's not bothered by how little time we get to spend together. She says she is but I don't believe her. How can I when not only do I get shoved aside for her own personal time (which I can deal with) but I also get shoved aside for time with this other guy, and for her wanting to play games.
It hurts that there are apparently a dozen other things she enjoys doing as much as she enjoys spending time with me. And it wouldn't bother me if we were living together and I could see her every day and get to sleep with her every night. But here, when we get to see each other on average an hour a day, with maybe one or two days a week where we actually get to spend more than that together... it hurts that she still feels the need to do all these other things.
It hurts even more when she lies to me about it. Either consciously or subconsciously she makes excuses to see this guy. And she deceives me about it. She tries to deny it but she has a track record of doing things like that out of some kind of habit. And it just makes everything worse. She tells me to trust her but then she turns around and spends an hour and a half talking to this guy when she told me she'd probably go straight to bed.
And it's not even really this guy. He has nothing to do with it. I don't care if she has friends. It just hurts that I'm the only one who recognizes how screwed up this situation is. I'm the only one who misses her like crazy.
I do shit for her all the time that she doesn't even notice much less thank me for. I'm here in this place where I'm miserable, without a car or a license, with nothing to do but think about how much I miss her. I could easily have moved in with my brother by now and gotten a job in town. But I'm staying because I don't want her to have to look for yet another person to fill in. I'm staying because silly me I figure she might actually miss me if I wasn't around all the time.
If things keep going the way they are though, I may just do it anyway. It's not fair to myself to stay here in this hell hole at a job that I hate for someone who doesn't appreciate me and won't even do me the courtesy of leaving straight after work on the one night a week when we get to spend the whole night together. Who reacts as if I don't want her to have any friends when all I want is for her to realize that every time she spends time with this guy when she could be spending time with me, time that we hardly get to spend together, she's putting him and herself in front of me. Which is the complete opposite of what I do for her every day simply by staying here.
Or maybe I am just being selfish. Maybe I should just get used to the fact that the person I love is never going to want me around as much as I want them around. That the person I love so much is always going to count me as one amongst a host of other things that she cares about equally.
I miss my mom.
The (almost) Perfect Song
Wednesday. 1.10.07 3:53 pm
Have you ever had a moment where you found a song that said almost exactly what you were feeling? Have you ever wished you could play the song for the person you felt it about and make them understand?
Here's that song. I'm not completely sure what a lot of the words are and I don't think it's exactly the same as my situation but it sounds pretty damn close.
This is Ponytail Parade by Emery.
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