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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Passive Aggressive Notes
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 2.5 hours.

Normal gym stuff today. Spin class, walked on the treadmill at an incline, Bosu Blast. The Bosu class today had a lot of Pilates stuff in it, which was... interesting, I guess. I would have liked more cardio.

Last night I felt like listening to this song:

"The Impression That I Get" by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

Have you ever been close to tragedy?
Or been close to folks who have?
Have you ever felt the pain so powerful,
So heavy you collapse?
No? Well...

I've never had to knock on wood, but I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

Have you ever felt the odds stacked up so high
You needed strength most don't possess?
Or has it come down to do or die?
You've got to rise above the rest
No? Well...

I've never had to knock on wood,
But I know someone who has
It makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet, because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

I'm not a coward, I've just never been tested.
I'd like to think that if I was I would pass
Look at the tested, and think there but for the grace go I
Might be a coward, I'm afraid of what I might find out

I've never had to knock on wood,
But I know someone who has
It makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet, because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

Never had to, but I'd better knock on wood
'Cause I know someone who has
Wonder if I could, it makes me wonder if I've never had to
I'd better knock on wood, 'cause I'm sure it isn't good
And I'm glad I haven't yet
That's the impression that I get


Even though I like this song, I have kind of mixed feelings about it. I feel something... I don't know... bordering on contempt? about the idea of never having had to go through anything particularly painful or difficult, and approaching it the way this song does. I mean, I guess there's not much you can do if nothing that bad has ever happened to you, but this attitude of just "oh, well gee, it seems like it's not good to have to go through that" is so... eugh.

At the same time, the singer seems like he's having some doubts about his ability to handle actually tough things, since he's never had to. I find that part of the song less off-putting. You never really know what you're capable of until you've been tested... Still, I don't like it when people's reaction to that unknown is to shy away from anything that might test them, instead of finding out how much they can actually do. Better to know what your limits actually are, yeah?

In high school I often felt like I was dumber than my peers, but I also thought that I could probably get higher grades (like straight As, as opposed to my As and Bs) if I put in more effort. I told myself that I just didn't want to try harder, though, because caring about stuff like that was stupid. Looking back, I think I was afraid of finding out I couldn't do as much as I told myself. It was easier to think I wasn't fulfilling my potential because it just wasn't important to me to achieve than to think I was afraid of failure.

Not caring and not trying are two things I've been distancing myself from in the past few years. I feel like those were the habits of a weaker and more fearful person, and I don't want them getting in the way of my life. I've also been feeling less patient with people who don't care about things, though. It's one thing if you've got depression or something and you just can't, but it's another if you don't care because it's harder to care and you're scared of getting hurt. I have a hard time respecting people who do that. One of the people who kind of faded from my life is that kind of person, and once I found out, my opinion of them decreased a lot. Life is pain, and life is suffering, and if the fundamental choices you make in life are based around trying to avoid suffering, even if it means sacrificing other things, I can't really get behind that.

People adapt and people grow stronger, but you can't realize that intrinsic potential if you're always running away or withdrawing into yourself. I'm tired of people who do that. I want to find more people who go out of themselves and learn and grow and embrace challenges...

I guess these are things I've said before. My therapist was telling me I need to stop getting close to emotionally insensitive people though, and thinking about that has been frustrating me. I feel like I have a pattern of forming social connections with people who just don't know how to handle anything and don't find their own ways to do so, and they like to wallow in their stagnant lack of self-growth.


On a happier note: At the gym, I regularly see a fairly obese woman in some of the classes I take. She can't do all the exercises, and she leaves early sometimes, but she seems like she's there consistently, and it makes me really glad to see her. I'm happy that she's trying to exercise and do something good for her health. Whatever her goals are, I hope she reaches them.

Transition periods are the hardest, and the lifestyle changes she's made to switch from whatever was keeping her obese to what she's doing now can't have been easy. I really admire people who make that shift.

Also, there's this girl who goes to some of the dance classes I go to, and she just looks really genuinely happy to me a lot of the time. I saw her without a smile once and it felt so strange. She seems like she really enjoys the classes and has a lot of fun, and I would like to imagine that she enjoys life in general (although I'm sure she has some of her own worries-- we all do).

I've been feeling kind of negatively for different reasons lately, and seeing people who are doing something positive or who look happy helps things seem better. I like looking at r/progresspics for that reason.

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Made up
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Gym time today: 3 hours.
Total this week: 14 hours.

Yay! Made it to 14 hours! I stayed at the gym for an extra hour today since I didn't go yesterday. Did spin class (which included upper body exercises with light dumbbells) and Body Blast. Also walked on the treadmill. Don't remember the speed/incline, but it said it was burning 8 cal/min. -Shrug-

My mom went with me to the spin class, and halfway through the class, the instructor was like "That's so cute, you guys are matching" and my mom called out "Yeah, do you think we're related?" I looked over at my mom's shirt, looked at my shirt, and realized we were wearing the same shirt. This is like the third time it's happened and I don't know why it keeps happening. I'm definitely not doing it on purpose. If I remember, the next time I go to the gym with her I'm going to wear a different shirt... >_>

So tonight A Thing in The Series of Things That Have Been Happening Which I Have Not Talked About Here happened. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do about it yet, if anything. It's not that this is necessarily a super personal thing, I just haven't felt like blogging about it, I guess. I think my few non-Nutanger friends who read my blog will ask me about it if they want to know/if they care, and that's enough.

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Friday, February 5, 2016
I guess Friday is the day I skip the gym now... seems like it's been that way the past couple weeks... I didn't have time to go today, though. Had work in the morning, then babysitting not long after that, and then I had dinner with Jasper in the evening. I could have gone between babysitting and dinner, but it would have been very rushed and didn't seem worth it.

Dinner was nice! I got a salmon salad and enjoyed it. It's not as delicious as the salmon plate with rice, but still pretty good. No complaints. Jasper and I caught up a bit, then we went to his friend's house and played some games with the friend and a girl I assume was his girlfriend. We played Get Bit!, which is a game where you have to play against your friends to see who gets eaten by a shark. After that was Rampage, in which you are a Godzilla-type monster and you're trying to basically wreak as much destruction as possible on a city. Last was Wise or Otherwise, in which you get the first half of an old saying and have to write something to complete it that sounds plausible. You take turns reading out the first half and writing the actual ending, and everybody else writes their own and then votes for what they think is the right answer. If someone votes for yours you get points.

I was thinking earlier about what it would be like to have my own car, and maybe I would have a vanity license plate that said "BIRBSSS". I guess that's only if I lived in California though. Would probably be "BIRBSS" if I was somewhere that only lets you have six characters.

Also this pleases me immensely.

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I let go
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 11 hours.

I did Pilates Fit and Turbo Kick today. Felt like a very light day. Also walked a mile (don't want to run again until I've healed up) at a 4mph pace, level 9 incline afterwards. I was surprised by how strenuous that seemed.

My right knee hasn't really scabbed over from my treadmill accident, and it hurts. :\ I don't know what to do but keep putting disinfectants and bandaids on it. If it doesn't start healing soon I might go to the doctor. My brother got a leg infection recently that pretty much made him unable to move his leg for a little while, and I don't want that to happen to me (although it sounds like antibiotics helped him a lot).

Tonight I played some different little games that made me feel kind of sad.

I Can Feel It Coming In The Air Tonight kind of reminded me of part of one of the Louie episodes I watched. I don't want to spoil the game for anybody who wants to play it, so I won't go into detail, but I liked it.

There were no instructions for this:

Don't Let Go

And I let go and there's no restarting the game and I feel a sense of discomfort and loss and... guilt? Like "Oh no, I messed up and there's no going back." But it does make me reflect on what I expect from games and my perspective on life, and I like it when games/films/experiences do that. The negative feelings become constructive and help to foster better, fuller positive feelings in the future. I feel like if you spend too much of your life running away from pain, you'll only end up living a shallow existence.

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Gym drama
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 9 hours.

Switched up my gym routine today because of a weird babysitting schedule. I tried Piloxing for the first time (It was also the first Piloxing class the instructor had ever taught) and it was... okay. The instructor didn't have everything 100% down, so there were some hiccups. That was in the afternoon, and I went back to the gym in the evening and did Cycle Fusion, which is spin class but with weights. After class, the instructor and some of the other gym members were standing around and talking about *drama* with one of the other gym instructors... Apparently the other instructor barged into a spin class the cycle instructor was teaching, took people's weights, and told everyone that it was dangerous to use weights while cycling. I stood in the back of the room and eavesdropped on the drama conversation because it was interesting. >.> I've taken classes with the other instructor and like her, but I was surprised by how rude she was to the cycle instructor. Seems very unprofessional!

Jasper quit his job and is back in town, so I'm going to have dinner with him on Friday. It's nice to catch up with old friends every once in awhile. We're going to go to this Greek place that has a stupidly delicious salmon plate, and I'm not even hungry right now, but just thinking about it is making me want to eat it.

I've been having some good/lengthy conversations with a few people in the last couple days, and it's nice.

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New people...?
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 7 hours.

I made up for my shorter day yesterday by adding a class today. Did Bootcamp, walked for half an hour on the treadmill (took it easy to save energy, and also because my skinned knees still hurt from the fall), and then did a cycle class. I liked the instructor who taught the cycle class. She's Filipino and has a bit of an accent. One of the things she had us do was "pushups" on the handles of the uh... spin... machines...? (What are they called?) She had us do 150, and proudly proclaimed afterward that we had done "One huhndred feefty pooshups" today.

In the past couple days I've been exchanging some messages on OKC with a dude who seems pretty neat. He has a little blog which is... sort of... philosophical argument-oriented. The writing isn't always crystal clear, but I think it's very cool that he does that. It's still too early to tell, but I have this silly little hope that he could be a koi fish.

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Lighter day
Monday, February 1, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 4.5 hours.

I didn't do my normal three classes at the gym today because I didn't have time, so I ended up being there for 1.5 hours less than usual. Skipped Pilates, which is the second fluffiest Monday class I take anyway.

Today I babysat Kid 2 (Not sure what else to call her; Kid 1 is the baby I've been babysitting for a few months, Kid 2 is more of a toddler and she's... a handful). Kid 2's mom is very permissive and doesn't really set many boundaries for Kid 2 that I can see. Anyway, towards the end of my time there today, Kid 2 threw a piece of cardboard at me and it hit me in the face, hard. I said "Ow!" because, well, you know, it hurt. Kid 2's mom immediately put her arms around Kid 2 and said "Can you say you're sorry?" Kid 2 did not say she was sorry. She tried to keep playing. She tried to say she got hurt too (by which I mean she "fell" [aka jumped] on the ground and said "Ouch!"). She tried to distract us by asking for food and other things. But she would not say she was sorry. Kid 2's mom tried many different ways to ask Kid 2 nicely to say she was sorry, such as saying "Can you whisper it in my ear and I'll tell her you're sorry?" but nothing really happened for about fifteen minutes. Kid 2 just did not want to say she was sorry. I really hope she gets better when she's older, because man, she is a gigantic brat right now. Her mom kept trying to explain that when you hurt someone, you're supposed to tell them you're sorry (even if you got hurt too), but it just wasn't working.

Anyway, that was the most frustrating part of my day. At least I was getting paid for it, I guess.

The instructor for the dance class I took tonight played this song, and I liked it.

"Everybody Jump" by KMC feat. Jamtech.

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All the socials
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 2.5 hours.

Meeting my friend yesterday was cool. I took Caltrain up to San Francisco, and it was busy, but not nearly as packed as I was worried it would be (Superbowl stuff and all that). Halfway through the ride up, this guy sat next to me and started talking to me. He briefly asked me about what I did for work, but pretty much spent the next half hour talking about how amazing his job was. This is about how it went:
Him: Guess what I do for work!
Me: I don't know, what?
Him: No, no, guess!
Me: Uhhh...
Him: You'll never guess!!!!
Me: Um... so... not software?
Him: Yeah, come on, guess!
Me: But you just told me that I'll never guess.
Him: You get two guesses. It's the most amazing job in the world!
Me: Uhhhhhhh... Dolphin... trainer...?
Him: No, but that's close!!!
Me: So what is it?
Him: Surgery! [Side note: How is this close to training dolphins. How.]
Me: Oh wow, you're a surgeon?
Him: No.
Me: ...

He kept telling me not to be like... intimidated (he didn't use that word, but that was the gist of it) that he "does" surgery for his job. He's actually a surgical tech, so he just passes the actual surgeon instruments and stuff. I thought it was great that he was so enthusiastic about his work, but I also wasn't super into the conversation. Unfortunately I can't describe well some of the things that he did, but for example, he held out his hand and curled one of the fingers and was like "You know, inside our fingers, we have this system that's like, ropes and pulleys!" and I was like "...You mean tendons?" and he said "Yeah!!!" and overall I just felt like he was explaining things to me as if I were a small child and not an educated adult.

Anyway, at the end of all that, he was like "Hey, so, do you want to exchange numbers???" and I politely declined. He didn't even ask my name during that whole time! But he took it well, and said something about hoping I enjoyed my day. Dude could talk. He was like "It's cool, it's cool, hope you have a great day, it's a beautiful day! Beautiful day, beautiful city, beautiful girl, beautiful smile!" I thanked him and got off the train.

Walked to the foodtruck park where my friend was having his birthday get together, and had some yummy things to eat.

It was National Tater Tot day, so they had a lot of tater tot specials at the various food trucks! I got some loaded tots from No No Burger. It's a vegetarian/vegan foodtruck, so their loaded tots had cheese sauce, green onion, and "bacon" pieces... I don't know how they make their "bacon", but it was disturbingly realistic looking. I honestly got kind of paranoid that it was really ham they'd just chopped up.

I imagined the owner of the truck secretly hating vegetarians/vegans and being like "hahaha, those stupid vegetarians! They'll never know I'm actually feeding them meat!" I asked what the fake bacon was made of and they said soy... But man... I've never seen any fake meat product in a grocery store that even came close to being as real as their fake bacon was. It was terrifying. It didn't quite have the same texture as real ham, I think, so that was reassuring, at least.

The friend I was meeting up with was late, so while I waited, I got a strawberry ginger lemonade from another cart. I was hit with a sudden sneeze attack though, and I don't know if it was allergies or a cold, but I felt pretty sickish for the rest of the day and part of today.

I also got this cute li'l empanada from another truck, the name of which I cannot recall.

It had spinach and feta and was yummy, but not quite as tasty (or as disturbing, I guess) as the loaded tots.

On my walk back to the train station I passed by Zynga, and their office is really cool looking.

I also got to hang out with Fro last night, which was great. She said she's usually free on weekends, so maybe we can hang out more regularly. ^_^


Did my usual gym routine this morning, despite feeling sickish still. I took some nasal spray that I got from the minute clinic at CVS awhile back, which... seemed to help somewhat? So maybe it was allergies. Spin class went fine, and I didn't feel super sniffly. After that, I got on the treadmill and ran one mile (7:53 minute mile pace, level 1 incline), walked a mile (4+mph pace, level 1 incline), and ran another mile (7:30 minute mile pace, level 1 incline). After I finished my third mile, I started to decrease the pace so that I could get off, but I lost my footing and fell on the treadmill and it threw me off. Luckily I didn't hit my head, I think, but I did skin both of my knees and I think I bruised my hip as well. The women around me immediately asked if I was okay and if I needed anything, which was nice. I was kind of disoriented, but I went and sat on one of the machines for a minute and then went to the front desk to ask if they had bandaids... they didn't, so I went into the bathroom and tried to wash off my knees and put some folded up paper towels against them (my leggings held them in place) to catch the blood. Once that was all... uhh... temporarily patched up, I went and did Bosu Blast, then went home and put real bandaids on my knees.

Met up and had lunch with new-ish OKC friend today. I wasn't feeling super great, but it went fine. He ate super fast, so there was a good chunk of time where I was finishing my food and not much conversation was going on... We walked around a bit after lunch and chatted, but he was pretty quiet (he's super introverted), so there were some silences. Not too bad overall.


Last night I dreamt that he asked if we could talk, because it had been awhile. The simplicity of the statement touched me. When I woke up it took me some time to realize it didn't actually happen.

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