I've been happy for the past few days, and I think it's the longest I've been consistently happy in quite awhile. I wasn't really sad or angry or anything today, I just felt good.

[5/16/2016 8:14:52 PM] J: Hey, so I hope this isn't too off-putting, but i wanted to share something with you in the spirit of being transparent about how I feel with you.
Last night, after i closed my laptop, I was on my knees on the floor packing my things up, and i just... broke down. Forehead to the floor, crying silently. I couldn't stop thinking, "man oh man, i really like this girl." It lasted a couple minutes, and at first part of me was upset with feeling helplessly subjected to an emotion without being able to push it back, but overall the tears were happy and eventually i just let go and let it ride its course, laying there until i could move again.
Please don't freak out though, i promise it wasn't anything romantic or lustful, there wasn't any fantasizing or imagining, it had nothing to do with the future at all. I just kinda got caught up in an overwhelmingly joyful paralysis over how happy I was that I met someone I really liked, as a person, and I just felt a lot less lonely i guess, and it really impacted me.
So i just wanted to tell you that i'm grateful you exist. Or however you word that without it sounding super corny. But I promise i don't feel differently than I did before the incident, i'm just happier :)
[5/16/2016 8:16:10 PM] Me: Awwww
[5/16/2016 8:16:17 PM] Me: Gosh I don't really know what to say
[5/16/2016 8:16:35 PM] Me: I'm smiling though.
[5/16/2016 8:16:38 PM] J: you don't have to say anything i just don't want you to freak out haha
[5/16/2016 8:16:41 PM] J: al;ksdfja;lskdj
[5/16/2016 8:16:44 PM] Me: Oh, no, I'm not freaked out.
[5/16/2016 8:16:49 PM] Me: I think that's really sweet.
[5/16/2016 8:17:02 PM] J: ok good ^_^ that makes me feel a lot better
[5/16/2016 8:17:21 PM] Me: I just didn't want to lead with "that's really sweet" because that seems like such a like... trivializing way to respond, haha.
[5/16/2016 8:17:59 PM] J: it's okay i wouldn't have judged your response
[5/16/2016 8:18:04 PM] J: i just didn't want like
[5/16/2016 8:18:10 PM] J: your contact info to gray out
[5/16/2016 8:18:12 PM] J: LOL
[5/16/2016 8:18:21 PM] Me: Pfft, don't worry.

I didn't have the words to express it, but I was really touched by what he said. Also amazed that I could have that effect on someone. Or well... maybe it would make more sense to say that I'm amazed someone could react to me that way. I sort of wanted to hug him and just say thank you for telling me.

Oh, I wish we could just talk all day.

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I'm happy again tonight.

[5/14/2016 11:03:28 PM] Me: I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I had a dream that I met you.
[5/14/2016 11:04:14 PM] Me: We just sat on a bench in a stone amphitheatre and watched some people put on a play.
[5/14/2016 11:04:59 PM] Me: The stage was like twenty feet above us though, so it was sort of an awkward angle to watch at.
[5/14/2016 11:13:00 PM] J: Well it's definitely not something I hear often if at all haha, but don't worry, i think it's cool that you're okay with mentioning it. My grandma's reminding me to be careful of who I talk to on the internet because there are crazy psycho women out there, though hahahaha :P hope you don't mind me telling her.
[...]
[5/14/2016 11:24:02 PM] J: that's good haha. i think i tend to daydream a lot while i'm awake, so maybe i exhaust my brain before dream time comes. it probably doesn't work like that though :P
[5/14/2016 11:31:16 PM] J: one of the days after we talked, i remember wandering off in my head as i was driving and you and I were at the temple at burning man reading notes on the walls (people leave notes to lost loved ones / friends and s.o.'s they haven't talked to (and other people / pets of that nature) expressing feelings they never got to express or making promises to move on or live a better life etc etc, and then on the last day, they burn the temple and the thousands of people sit around in sobs and silence as they watch). I went to bm a few years ago but it was for a project, so I didn't get the full experience. I'm trying to get tickets this year to go as a normal attendee, but haven't gotten them yet. I was thinking if I got them, I might invite you.
[5/14/2016 11:32:34 PM] Me: That sounds really beautiful. @_@

TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO GET OVERLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS FRIENDSHIP BUT IT'S DIFFICULT.

I told him about all the stuff that happened in one of my relationships and he said he could relate and our situations were eerily similar and at the end he thanked me for sharing my story and said it was nice getting to understand me. Is this... is this real life? .__.

[5/15/2016 12:44:18 AM] J: i don't really know how to respond, i am here though, i'm just kind of in awe at how familiar it all feels

I'm hesitant to embrace the possibility that there's someone who might actually like, really, legitimately, understand me, but at the same time I want to very badly. Gotta be careful. >_<

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Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 6.5 hours.

I went to Piloxing today and was the only person in the class for most of it because they messed up the listing for the online registration, and it said it was going to be Bootcamp. One other lady came in, but she left after twenty minutes because she had to do something. So... it was just me and the instructor, and she gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card for sticking around. I gave the gift card to my mom, because I never go to Starbucks.

Yesterday I did Bootcamp and Cycle. Cycle is still being subbed by the instructor who turns off the lights and puts on disco lights and stuff, so that was cool.

I told my therapist about what happened on April 26th and I think he disapproved. He was relieved that things didn't go a lot worse than they did, but he clearly had a lot of reservations about my decisions that night. He told me that I could have just left.

The idea of leaving just never occurs to me. I think it's a leftover from my time spent depersonalized. I'm always sort of astonished when I tell people my experiences with weird or bad interactions and they say they wouldn't put up with it, or they wouldn't have engaged with people who seemed weird. It comes off as tolerance on my part, I guess, but it seems like tolerance would imply I'm making more of a choice. I often don't feel bothered by weird people or situations because I don't really feel like I'm there, and why would I be bothered by something that's not actually happening to me? Even when I do feel present though, I guess it's not generally a huge deal. Discomfort doesn't seem like a persuasive reason to exit most situations... Maybe I just don't feel a need to withdraw unless something seems legitimately dangerous.

---

I added someone new on Skype, and we haven't gotten to talk much, but it seems like there's potential for us to have very interesting conversations. He asked for my opinion on something this morning...

[5/11/2016 11:17:38 AM] J: okay, so i think one of the reason i often have trouble communicating is that, aside from respecting others and following my heart (or however you want to word it) in life, I can pretty comfortably say that I don't really care about anything, and so i generally find myself disinterested with most convos. And it isn't that I judge other peoples' concerns as trivial - i think they're vital and think everyone should follow their own path and all that - but i just don't feel the desire to be involved. Does that sound apathetic to you? I mean, I don't feeeeel apathetic, but i just want an outside opinion.
[5/11/2016 11:23:55 AM] Me: Oh, were you done typing?
[5/11/2016 11:26:10 AM] J: i'm not sure if i worded that correctly, to be honest. It has less to do with being disinterested in other peoples' concerns and more to do with not caring about many "things" in my own life, so I have very little to talk about. I like to just go about my day and enjoy the little parts of it. the walking, breathing, etc. The "quiet repose," as you worded it so nicely. So when people talk about their interests, i often can't get past the general concept of like, "oh, that's cool that you're investing yourself in something you're interested in," but nothing further than that.
[5/11/2016 11:26:23 AM] J: i was done but then felt the need to expand, sorry
[5/11/2016 11:26:31 AM] Me: No worries.
[5/11/2016 11:26:34 AM] J: done now though!
[5/11/2016 11:26:34 AM] Me: More details are helpful.
[5/11/2016 11:27:25 AM] Me: I think with just the first part, I would have said you do sound apathetic, but it seems like maybe the things you're interested in just don't really line up well with what other people are interested in?
[5/11/2016 11:27:34 AM] J: yes
[5/11/2016 11:28:03 AM] Me: Mm, that's a tricky one.
[5/11/2016 11:29:58 AM] J: or that maybe i'm just not interested in anything permanently. i have moments of interest and i follow them until my interest is exhausted, and then I move on. I have relatively few constants, and my interactions with other people - outside of when i'm in a relationship and living with a partner, since they're around during moments of interest and pursuit - generally take place in between those moments.
[5/11/2016 11:30:47 AM] J: so i'm often just trying to summon an artificial interest in something for the sake of creating a topic for discussion
[5/11/2016 11:30:50 AM] J: does that make sense?
[5/11/2016 11:31:27 AM] Me: Yeah, I think it does.
[5/11/2016 11:31:38 AM] Me: There's really nothing you're consistently interested in at all?
[5/11/2016 11:35:55 AM] J: Well, self development is probably the only thing I couldn't do without. There are things I enjoy, like video games or ukulele/singing or drawing / etc. etc. (i can find a way to enjoy almost anything), but they're all things that I could live without, and none of them are interests that involve strong opinions or content for discussion (or interest in discussing), I just enjoy immersing myself in them, to where the activity itself almost becomes it's own sort of quiet repose.
[5/11/2016 11:36:34 AM] Me: High five for self development. ^_^
[5/11/2016 11:36:45 AM] J: lol thanks *high-fives*
[5/11/2016 11:37:32 AM] Me: I get what you mean, though.
[5/11/2016 11:37:56 AM] Me I kind of hate being asked what my interests are, because it's not something I find that interesting to talk about, on average, haha.
[5/11/2016 11:43:21 AM] J: yeah, maybe it's the same for me and i'm just overanalyzing it. it's like, my interests exist for my own experience of life. they don't have anything to do with other people, even if someone is interested in the same thing. But like, if i'm learning rock-climbing or something and someone has a tip for me, that's awesome and I'll really appreciate it, but that's different than discussion. I love sharing experiences with people who have similar interests. I guess i'm just not one for conversation in general. Unless it's something more philosophical-ish.

I was very pleasantly surprised when he said that self development was the only thing he couldn't do without. Before he gave his answer, I was thinking about that exact thing. I felt like I could really relate to what he was saying, although his phrasing threw me off at first. Told my therapist about the conversation today in the session... I'm trying to avoid my usual tendency to enthusiastically throw myself into a new friendship in the hopes that I may have met a koi, but maybe...? I guess all I can do is try to proceed cautiously, and find that balance between being overly enthusiastic and being overly guarded.

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