Sunday. 2.18.07 10:51 pm
Wow, have I been busy or what?
Technically, I'm still busy. Being sick the past weekend didn't help matters much, either.
I'm writting this here because I have no where else to go with this.
I don't know what to do. I mean, I know where I'm headed (kinda) and it's an allright plan. Key word: Allright. I'm studying to work on tech in some theatre troupe or building. Just something (anything) off stage relating with theatre. Why? Because I've always loved theater and they pay great.
What else am I intending to do with my life? What else do I plan on doing? What other great adventures await?
I plan on getting a good stable job along those lines. I plan on getting paid. I plan on living in a home of some sort with lots and lots of books.
And I don't know how to feel about it.
Part me of is screaming that this is all I want. I don't want anything else. I'm tired of everything else. But then there's this other part of me that doesn't like it. I fear it, almost.
Live my life alone, with nothing other than work and simple pleasures to entertain me until my death.
I used to want something completely different. But honestly, I still don't know what I want. I guess I'm terrified. Not scared. Terrified. Beyond what anyone else can see. I've told a few others. But ultimately there's nothing anyone can do.
I love alot of people. I love alot of my friends, but I still have issues. I still think that they may leave me at any moment. There's only 2 people who I can honestly say won't leave me out of nowhere. And by God, have they FOUGHT to get to the place they're at now. And even though I know they won't leave, I still have tendencies to fear it. Tendencies which I often have to ignore and remind myself that it's not like that. But that's just with these two people.
Well, frankly I EXPECT everyone to leave my life. It's only a matter of time in my eyes.
So, when it comes to love life scenarios...
Well, I know that so much shouldn't weight on one person, but truth is, it does.
I just don't know if I can trust anyone anymore. People keep telling me "it's not like you two were married." And I know we weren't. That's a duh. But... I don't know. I can't help but think, if someone can stay with you for so long and say they love you and all that crap, then just get up and go the following day... What would stop someone else from doing that?
What does commitment mean this day and age?
Nothing, so it seems.
Marriage sucks ass, from what I've seen. People can't even respect THOSE vows.
I can't do that. I can't manage it. I'm not strong enough. I couldn't deal getting in another relationship where the person just gets up and goes.
And I don't trust anyone.
So, what do I do? I do the pansie thing and fold. I cry and moan and ditch. Sometimes I don't know if that's foolish of me or very wise. I hate it, because it makes me feel like such a quitter and such a cry-baby. But at the same time, I look at the reality of it all and come to the same conclusion every time.
I can't do it.
So, again, what do I do? I choose a path where I isolate myself. Awesome, huh?
But what else can I do? It's not like I can just trust people to stay. And it's not like anyone is even helping that along.
Nearly every day people seem to leave my life.
I just don't know. I just don't get it.
I'm not content, but I don't know if I can risk anything ever again.
But then again, it's not like I even hang out with people my age anyways.
I swear I feel like Giles, usually. But at least Giles was cool and british.
But I should be heading to sleep now.
I have to wake up early to go to the Kimbell Art Museum so I can draw two things from there. Then head to my Stagecraft class. Followed by work, where I will now be the only tutor with about 5 kids on average per day to help (even though most need personal assistance), because the last 3 tutors left. Yeay. Then I have to come home and do a self portrait for the following day (scary).
Wish me luck.
Oh, and again, story will continue sometime soon.
I'm cool like Dilated.
Tuesday. 2.13.07 12:06 pm
P.S. Don't worry the story will continue in time. Just thought I'd post this up so I could be cool like Dilated.
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