Monday. 1.20.14 10:13 pm
I want to experience something new, but I still have to wait until the time is right. My finances are still being caught up on from the vacation, though I'm not negative so that's at least a plus.
I'm starting to go a little out of my mind again and it's because I'm letting my holiday tryst get to my head. I want more, but I don't want to come across as desperate. Too bad no one is showing an interest ... So in the meantime, I continue letting it get to my head and just wait it out to see what happens. There are people I'm interested in, and they know that I'm interested, but nothing has happened. I say lame, but that's just me.
I think next month I'm going to start taking advantage of the fitness center at my work. I say next month because this one is just about over and I want to be able to actually have stuff for recovery, which I won't have the money for until next month. I'm only going to use the treadmill, but that's better than nothing. If I can add a couple more miles a day to my regular job-related walking, then it's better than just sitting on my ass. We'll see how well that goes.
Some forward, more than a few back.
Friday. 1.17.14 10:35 am
"The little details are practically irrelevant -- so stop stressing! Things are going to be fine in the end, and no amount of fretting is going to change that. Relax and enjoy what you're doing."
That's my horoscope for today. My friend told me to read it over and over until it's ingrained in to my head. He has a point. This is a very obvious subliminal message and I need to heed it well.
Unfortunately, I feel like crying. After taking too many steps at trying to be assertive and put myself out there, I've taken too many hits to really keep my confidence alive. You put yourself out there and get jack in return, it tends to cut a few notches off your self esteem.
I need a change, but I'm still stuck in this financial hole and it's keeping me pretty grounded. Getting a new apartment is out of the question. There's no way I want to spend money just to continually get rejected. Getting a new job is hard because I make a decent wage and most jobs that pay the same or more require a degree that I don't have, nor have the money to obtain. I'm apparently chasing after the wrong crowd of men because even though the ones I was interested in seemed to show an interest in me, I've gotten nothing out of it besides rejection.
Guess it's time to crawl back in to this hole that I tried so hard to get out of. Put all my focused efforts in paying off my debt and stop trying to change anything besides that.
It was silly of me to think that this year would improve within just the first two weeks of January. There's a whole 11 1/2 months left. I'll be fucked if this shit doesn't get better until the last half of December.
Enjoying the little things
Friday. 1.10.14 10:40 am
Since my original plans for tonight have been canceled/postponed indefinitely, I will be taking the time to enjoy a me night. I'll be spending the night in, rather than out, but it will still be an enjoyable evening. The plan? Good pizza, good beer and Netflix. Can't go wrong with something like that.
There are a few errands I have to run today, since it is payday, but they shouldn't take very long. I'll head out in probably an hour or so.
I've discovered recently that the manager I was in to has a motorcycle ... which increases the hotness level by a significant amount. I basically told him to name it and I'd do it just for a ride on the back. He told me that he only has one helmet. He was probably pretty relieved when our conversation got cut short by the store manager walking in to the office, but I will make one more attempt at convincing him to give me a ride. I could give a shit less, at this point, if I get anything else from him, but I haven't been on the back of a bike in years and I don't know of anyone else who owns one that would be willing to give me a ride. Perhaps sometime during my shift tomorrow I'll be able to bring up the subject again. If not then there's always next week.
Anywho, I'm rather looking forward to tonight. It'll be a small treat for myself and it'll be worth it.
Until next time. . .
Sunday. 1.5.14 2:37 pm
I'm kind of fed up liking someone and having them end up not showing any interest. I'm putting myself out there and getting shit in return so I'm done for a while. It's shitty, but I can't just keep trying for something that's very obviously not going to happen.
I was very tempted to go for a drive today, but I need to make sure that I have enough gas in my car to get to and from work for the remainder of this week until I get paid. Then I will possibly go for a drive. Perhaps Portland or Bellingham. Definitely somewhere that's a good distance away from here.
Mini-rant over. Nothing else really is going on that I feel needs to be written about. I'm probably gonna take a nap soon. Isn't it lovely how old habits take barely any time to reform once you allow them to?
Until next time. . .
Thursday. 1.2.14 8:34 pm
After living in Seattle for the past three years, you'd think that I'd be used to the fact that it rains here. A lot. However, whenever I am inside for a while then look out the window or go outside and it's raining, I have a sudden moment of surprise before remembering that this is completely normal. "When the fuck did it start raining?" is usually what plays through my head before I come back to the reality of understanding where I live.
I spent most of the day pissed off. I really am surprised I didn't snap at anyone ... I woke up that way and it didn't taper off as the day went on. Luckily I have tomorrow off from work and I intend to clean, which means that, if I'm still pissed, this cleaning might actually get done. A break will be taken when I need to go to the bank to get quarters, but that's about it. I told my friend I'd stop in at her coffee shop, but I'm not sure now. I kind of want to stay on track with the cleaning and I'm afraid if I'm away from the mess for too long, the motivation will dissipate and nothing will get done.
I'm very tempted to just go for a drive to nowhere, but I need to be careful on gas until I get paid again. Having only one day off tends to put a damper on such trips as well. Although going in to work on only a few hours of sleep has been something that I've gotten used to over the last several months so I'm not sure what would make another day like that any different. We'll see how I feel next weekend and what my finances and gas prices look like.
Until next time. . .
Wednesday. 1.1.14 7:01 pm
I did as little work as possible today. I was so tired that even walking around out in the cold did nothing to wake me up. I wandered aimlessly from place to place just going through the motions until it was finally time to go home.
Last night was okay. I ended up going to my friend's place for dinner then going with them to Gas Works Park to watch, what was supposed to be, a good fireworks show. Instead, what we watched was the fog roll in just in time to completely blanket the entire city and block out any chance of seeing fireworks. We counted down till midnight, heard the booms and, still not seeing even an inkling of flashing lights, left. At least the food was good.
I got home around 1am and had to be up at 5 for work. I got less than 4 hours of sleep. Luckily there really wasn't anything going on today so I was able to get away with not doing much of anything. Tomorrow will be a different story. It's the new year, everyone will be back to work and the boss will be pissed because he has to do all of the end of year paperwork. Which means that I will be doing my job simply to avoid having to deal with him.
No plans for Friday other than to clean. I really, really, really need to clean. I probably have 2 full trash bags full of stuff that needs to be thrown away. I would shred everything, but I may just take my scissors to all the bills and stuff and throw bits and pieces in separate bags then place them all in separate trash cans. Or just put everything in one bag and take it all to work this weekend to dispose of in various Shred-It boxes. At least that's supposed to be a secure method of disposing of confidential paperwork.
Anywho, since it's been a year of writing entries, I will probably continue to write something every day since it's become kind of an automatic habit. The only difference is that if I were to miss a day or two here and there, I won't feel guilty for screwing up my challenge. I have a new challenge for myself this year and it's something that this blog can only help by allowing me to type out my frustrations.
Until next time. . .
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