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Friday. 2.14.14 9:00 pm
Since I can remember, I've always worn a 36B {so since I was about 16.} Over the last few years, I'm well aware of the fact that I've gained weight and after having finally sacrificed to buy new clothes to fit me, I always kept up with the same bras. Recently, I noticed that my boobs aren't staying in the cups as well as, well, they're supposed to so I measured myself and came up with a new size. . . a size that looks way too big. I didn't even think to try the bra on because I really felt that my boobs would not fill the cups.

Tonight, my friend and I stopped at Victoria's Secret and I decided that I would get professionally measured, just to see if I was right or if I had completely gotten it wrong ... and I was right. So I finally tried on the bra and it actually fit. A 38C is what I'm supposed to be wearing. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that a bra that big fits me. It kind of sucks because I only just recently bought all new bras and now I have to do this all over again. I guess I could always just keep this in a safe place for when* I lose weight. {*It will happen ... it's just a matter of finally motivating myself to get it done.}

Anywho, I guess when I get paid on Friday I'll be making a trip to Target and hoping that I can find a couple really nice, inexpensive {not $48} bras.

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Friday. 2.7.14 10:12 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Thursday. 1.30.14 8:13 pm
I realized just now that in the last 6 months, I have cycled through being interested in 6 different guys. On Sunday I decided that I would go the entire week without pursuing anyone and I've managed so far, but after this realization, I'm going to put the pursuing thing on an indefinite pause. This year was supposed to be about focusing on myself and here I am doing just the opposite.

Saturday starts a new month and hopefully some new changes. Albeit small changes, but changes nonetheless. The energy will be refocused on myself because I have to improve that before anything else can work out the way I want.

It's taken me nearly half an hour to write this entry so I'm gonna end it here.

Until next time. . .

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Saturday. 1.25.14 9:30 am
So my coworker at my regular job isn't speaking to me, the guy from the other job who asked for my phone number isn't speaking to me and the coffee shop guy isn't talking to me anymore either. What the fuck am I doing wrong?

I need to completely back off of this kick I'm on and take it easy, but as soon as I see someone else who catches my attention, I can't help but flirt. I don't like using the excuse, "that's just the way I am," but it's true. Hopefully today is busy enough that I can stay distracted from my mind wandering.

I had yet another dream about the manager last night. I wish my subconscious would let it go. As pleasant as the dreams are, they're distracting and make me want to act on them. Unfortunately, unless he has a pool, this one isn't ever going to happen. Although none of the other dreams aren't going to happen either, that's beside the point. This one involved a pool and those are hard to come by in the PNW.

Anywho, I needed to get that out of my system. Time to get ready for work.

Until next time. . .

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Still waiting
Monday. 1.20.14 10:13 pm
I want to experience something new, but I still have to wait until the time is right. My finances are still being caught up on from the vacation, though I'm not negative so that's at least a plus.

I'm starting to go a little out of my mind again and it's because I'm letting my holiday tryst get to my head. I want more, but I don't want to come across as desperate. Too bad no one is showing an interest ... So in the meantime, I continue letting it get to my head and just wait it out to see what happens. There are people I'm interested in, and they know that I'm interested, but nothing has happened. I say lame, but that's just me.

I think next month I'm going to start taking advantage of the fitness center at my work. I say next month because this one is just about over and I want to be able to actually have stuff for recovery, which I won't have the money for until next month. I'm only going to use the treadmill, but that's better than nothing. If I can add a couple more miles a day to my regular job-related walking, then it's better than just sitting on my ass. We'll see how well that goes.

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Some forward, more than a few back.
Friday. 1.17.14 10:35 am
"The little details are practically irrelevant -- so stop stressing! Things are going to be fine in the end, and no amount of fretting is going to change that. Relax and enjoy what you're doing."

That's my horoscope for today. My friend told me to read it over and over until it's ingrained in to my head. He has a point. This is a very obvious subliminal message and I need to heed it well.

Unfortunately, I feel like crying. After taking too many steps at trying to be assertive and put myself out there, I've taken too many hits to really keep my confidence alive. You put yourself out there and get jack in return, it tends to cut a few notches off your self esteem.

I need a change, but I'm still stuck in this financial hole and it's keeping me pretty grounded. Getting a new apartment is out of the question. There's no way I want to spend money just to continually get rejected. Getting a new job is hard because I make a decent wage and most jobs that pay the same or more require a degree that I don't have, nor have the money to obtain. I'm apparently chasing after the wrong crowd of men because even though the ones I was interested in seemed to show an interest in me, I've gotten nothing out of it besides rejection.

Guess it's time to crawl back in to this hole that I tried so hard to get out of. Put all my focused efforts in paying off my debt and stop trying to change anything besides that.

It was silly of me to think that this year would improve within just the first two weeks of January. There's a whole 11 1/2 months left. I'll be fucked if this shit doesn't get better until the last half of December.

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