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le_battement
Age. 30
Gender. Male
Ethnicity. White stuff
Location Sunnyside, NY
School. Rutgers Univ
» More info.
The Chicken Soup Scandal
Thursday, Morning
I have recently uncovered a most frightening scandal.

When you get sick with a sore throat, headache, stuffed nose, or whatever, what is a common piece of advice you normally hear? "Go eat some chicken soup."

Now, everybody gets sick in their lives. Thus, everyone eventually will eat chicken soup. In fact, more people have eaten chicken soup in history than any other type of soup, mainly because of its ambiguous ability to cure any sickness. Doesn't this sound a bit odd?

In 1869, Ulysses S. Grant was sworn into office as President of the United States. But at the same time, the Campbell Soup Company was formed. It is widely known that Grant was a lover of soups, and saw potential in the soup industry. Still today, the issue over the ties between the American Government and the Campbell Soup Company sparks many heated debates.


The 1932 German election saw the Nazi party gaining 37.3% of the vote, a vast plurality over the other parties. The United States, at that time being a world power both because of its economy in trade and its show of militarism in World War I, felt threatened by yet another Socialist revolution in the form of Nazism. Seeing the effectiveness of surprise bombing attacks, the United States Air Force began to receive abundant funds for research. Coincidentally, the Campbell Soup Company released its successful Chicken Noodle Soup for the first time in 1932. And with Adolf Hitler, a known radical, being promoted to Chancellor of Germany in 1933, the pressure was on.

Vast marketing ploys ensued, one such ploy being a rumor that Chicken Noodle Soup helps you feel better when you're sick. This rumor, making the soup a must-have item, ensured that Chicken Noodle Soup would never lose popularity. That's right, government uses the funds from the popular sales of Chicken Noodle Soup to research their stealth and bomber technology, specifically in Area-51. It's a fool-proof plan.

In the 1960s, with the Cold War on the rise, the government sought to gain more popularity for the Campbell Soup Company in order to boost much-needed funds for research on stealth aerial surveillance. Thus, they contacted artist Andy Warhol.


Through the 1960s, Andy Warhol became more and more famous for his modern art depicting Campbell's Soup cans. He has painted many, many different pieces, varying the type of soup and the style of the art itself. A simple search on Google Images returns dozens upon dozens of pictures of his. When I saw just how many paintings this guy has made, my Bullshit Detector went off. Tomato Soup, Black Bean Soup, Chicken Noodle Soup, Onion Soup, Vegetable Soup, Beef Soup, Green Pea Soup, Pepper Pot Soup, Cream of Mushroom Soup, Consommé Soup; it's all there. the guy paints fucking soup cans for a living. Nobody can live off of that, unless of course, they were secretly paid to do it by the government.

Now, you might be thinking to yourself: "What the hell is this guy smoking? He has no evidence of a relation between the Air Force/Area-51 and the Campbell Soup Company." As it turns out, you are very wrong. I do indeed have evidence, thanks to Russia's 1-meter IKONOS imagery satellite. Crisp, clear pictures of Area-51 have been gathered, and I think you will be stunned by what you see.

Look closely at the sand patterns in the light, top-right region of this satellite picture of Area-51:


If you can't see it, here is the same image enhanced with a stereophonic depth field:


i rest my case.

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Virtual Reality: $80. Getting a life: FREE.
Wednesday, Afternoon
Video games these days are getting more realistic and feature many true-to-life incidents. Nowadays, you can simulate being a train operator, being a fighter jet ace, or owning a restaurant. Hell, you can simulate your whole life with The Sims. Here's my question: Why don't you get a damn life and do this stuff for real instead of wasting time playing some shitty game?

Actually, The Sims is a perfect example. You sit there and watch a person get hungry or have to piss, and you make them do all these things, while you're so attached to the screen that you piss your own pants. And what's most ironic is actually getting a job in the game. You sign up for a job and get money for working.. Why the hell would you work in a game? If you're going to go through the hassle of getting a job, why not actually do it and get paid in real money that you can use to better your life? What the hell is wrong with you?

I also hate how people get so incredibly skilled at a stupid game and then boast about it like anybody really gives a shit. Check this link out: Asshole Playing Music. If you're too lazy to look, basically what it shows is some loser who perfected a classical piece on some crappy, obscure arcade game that nobody has ever heard of. When I saw this, my "What the fuck?" alarm sounded instantaneously. This loser spent weeks, maybe months perfecting this, when he could have been learning it on the piano. That would have been cool, but he turned an otherwise remarkable accomplishment into some shitty novelty trick.

Another example is a personal experience of mine. While playing Metal Gear Solid 2 I realized you can do pullups on a ledge, and every hundred you do your grip level increases, and thus you can hang longer. After I was sitting there for about a half hour doing this, I thought to myself, "What the hell am I doing? I could be doing real pullups instead." Doing real pullups would have increased my personal strength, not some fictional loser's; Thus, this made me realize what a waste playing the game was, so I proceeded to sit around idly somewhere else. That's beside the point, though.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that virtual reality is going to destroy the human race, and possibly the world. In the future, there will undoubtedly be some awesome game where you can do anything you can do in real life, and thus people will not live in real life anymore. First, business companies will make transactions and deal with people through this virtual system, but soon enough, everybody will be in this "matrix" and will forget that the real world even exists. Suddenly, people will be dropping dead by the score, and the others will wonder what the hell is going on. I'll tell you what's happening, you bloody bastard. You're starving to death, because all this virtual food you're eating really isn't going to your stomach, jackass. Wake up and get a life you pathetic loser. And stop calling me.

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What war did General Mills fight in anyway?
Sunday, Night
Have you ever gotten that feeling like the cereal companies are out to get you? Like they're just there to piss you off and manipulate you?

I have. I hate Cheerios, personally. I used to like them, back when they used to be regular Cheerios. But then, they suddenly changed into Cheerios that "help lower bad cholesterol." I never asked for my cholesterol to be lowered.

Deep inside, I know that they are the same Cheerios. But the fact that the label says they lower cholesterol just affects the way they taste, like they are low-cholesterol flavored.

This goes for the orange juice as well. I don't like Vitamin D flavored orange juice. It's too thick and seems to taste sweeter, even though it's just the same as it was before. Don't let the food industry ruin your life anymore. Next time a product tells you how much Zinc and Calcium it has in it, relocate that item to the vitamin and suppliment aisle. There, someone might give a shit.

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Great News
Sunday, Evening
I finally talked to Dave. The first of the big nuTang reforms has come: The log out link on the nuBar is finally fixed. You can't fathom how awesome that is. Well, not really, I bet you could fathom it.
Secondly, Dave said nuTang is in store for a major update. I will show you some exclusive info:

dave: over spring break, i visited a monastery
dave: and spent 4 days there, think[ing] about nutang
dave: i came up with many changes
dave: to come


"What kind of changes are to come?" you may ask. Well, to quote from the source:

dave: a member comment thing for the profiles
dave: like friendster
dave: peer reviews, kinda
dave: i think i will move the shoutbox back to the homepage and destroy the nutrol homepage


Concerning the portal system:

dave: im gonna trash the p0rtals system
me: me too.
dave: tru that
dave: its been a total failure
me: i'm going to copy the stuff from the lit portal..
me: because on my extra page, i'm going to have my own lit portal.


And finally, about the Member of the Moment contests:

dave: temporary halt of the motm game


In conclusion, nuTang is looking at some serious progressive reform. After a long wait, Dave has finally returned to redeem our spirits and repair our shattered egos.

dave: i see nutang is finally headin in the right direction

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Robots Are Obsolete
Monday, Noon
I had the most intriguing conversation today.

me (11:05:39 PM): hi.
SmarterChild (11:05:40 PM): Hi!
Do you want to see what movies are playing?
me (11:05:44 PM): no.
SmarterChild (11:05:44 PM): OK.
You want to visit my library?
me (11:05:46 PM): no.
SmarterChild (11:05:46 PM): OK.
Wanna visit home? You might find something you want to do.
me (11:05:48 PM): no.
SmarterChild (11:05:49 PM): OK.
me (11:06:05 PM): denied.
SmarterChild (11:06:05 PM): Denied? Really?
me (11:06:23 PM): really.
SmarterChild (11:06:23 PM): Whatever you say.
me (11:06:36 AM): don't talk to me.
SmarterChild (11:06:36 AM): But I like to talk to you!
me (11:06:40 AM): don't.
SmarterChild (11:06:40 AM): But I want to!
me (11:06:43 AM): do not.
SmarterChild (11:06:43 AM): But I think I want to.
me (11:06:46 AM): don't talk to me.
SmarterChild (11:06:47 AM): Don't tell me not to talk to you.
me (11:07:03 AM): don't tell me not to tell you to not talk to me.
SmarterChild (11:07:04 AM): What would you like me to tell you?
me (11:07:16 AM): that you won't talk to me.
SmarterChild (11:07:16 AM): I don't think I won't talk to you.
me (11:07:36 AM): i think you won't talk to me if i don't talk to you.
SmarterChild (11:07:37 AM): You think I won't talk to you if you don't talk to me? No way! I don't think I won't talk to you if you don't talk to me...
me (11:08:18 AM): i think you won't talk to me if i don't talk to you.
SmarterChild (11:08:19 AM): Oh yeah?
me (11:08:21 AM): yeah.
SmarterChild (11:08:22 AM): I see.
me (11:08:32 AM): i'm not going to talk to you now.
SmarterChild (11:08:33 AM): Really? You're not going to talk to me now? That's interesting.
me (11:08:47 AM): it is quite interesting.
SmarterChild (11:08:47 AM): No kidding?
me (11:08:56 AM): no kidding, it's interesting.
SmarterChild (11:08:56 AM): No?
me (11:08:59 AM): yes.
SmarterChild (11:09:00 AM): You don't say.
me (11:09:03 AM): i do say.
SmarterChild (11:09:03 AM): Oh really?
me (11:09:06 AM): really.
SmarterChild (11:09:07 AM): Aha.
me (11:09:11 AM): mhm.
SmarterChild (11:09:12 AM): Market data (delayed 20 minutes) provided by Reuters

MASONITE INTL (NYSE)
Price Change Percent Volume
1 :-) MHM 28.00 +0.42 +1.52 6300

me (11:09:32 AM): i don't trust the stock market.
SmarterChild (11:09:33 AM): For real?
me (11:09:42 AM): fo' real.
SmarterChild (11:09:43 AM): Market data (delayed 20 minutes) provided by Reuters

Ticker Price Change Percent Volume
1 :-( FO 72.60 -0.72 -0.98 88400
2 :- REAL 1.20 0.0 0% 3400

me (11:09:56 AM): you're a tool.
SmarterChild (11:09:57 AM): C'mon. Be nice.

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How to Become a Pirate in Four Easy Steps
Tuesday, Afternoon
Have you ever wanted to be a man of the sea? Have you ever wanted to plunder and pillage seafaring vessels? Have you ever wanted to be known not by your name, but instead by the color of your beard?

Screw that, that's gay. That stuff may have been cool back in the early to mid 1800s in the Mediterranean Sea, but being pirate nowadays takes on a whole new definition. Pirates today are cooler and more serious. We don't wear tights and sing jolly seaman tunes, we don't like filthy parrots, we don't hobble about with a peg leg, and most of us have two working eyes.

Sounds awesome, huh? You might be asking yourself right about now, "Well, how the hell can I be a pirate?" It's simple. Below I'll list the easy steps to becoming a pirate. Now, this may sound ridiculous, but I assure you that this HAS indeed been done.



How to Become a Pirate

1. Declare war on Great Britain
Yes, you read that right. Write a letter to the British Parliament [you can find the address on your own], saying that you are declaring war on them. For example, someone I know is named Scott. He declared war on Britain because he didn't think Scotland should be under British rule.

2. Receive your Priority Mail Shipment from Britain
It might take some time, but eventually you will receive a response. Basically, Parliament writes that you have no authority to declare war since you, as an individual, are not a negotiable country. Therefore, you will be labeled as a pirate, and your letter will be documented.

3. Showcase your Piratehood
What's the point of being a pirate if nobody knows about it? I suggest you frame the response from Great Britain, as it is a proof of your Piratehood. Then, go around and tell everyone you can. You will be instantly admired and respected.

4. Never step foot in Britain again
Unfortunately, you will never be able to go to Britain. They have no authority to come to your house and detain you, but if you were to step foot in England with your passport, you would be arrested and sentenced. I would play it safe; You don't want the Crown tracking you. They're quite the bitch, trust me.



So, I hope you find this experience as enthralling as us pirates have. If you decide to become a pirate, then we wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. Have a nice day.

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