Roger and I are working on ourselves at this point in time. We are friends right now, but I haven’t told many people that. Most people think we are still together.

We broke up because we both have things to sort out before our relationship can truly blossom and grow. For some reason, since our break up, we have been emotionally bonded even more than before. We are opening up about our past, our deepest, darkest secrets, our insecurities, and also the things we are learning each day about ourselves.

We meet once a week now, instead of spending every moment we possibly can together. We still FaceTime and text. But this feels right. It’s like we are back to dating all over again.

Seeing both of us grow at this time of our lives makes me feel like I have a healthy relationship for the first time in my life. We are putting each others needs first. With that being said, we are not stopping eachother from becoming the people we want to be, and the people we are meant to be.

I feel loved. I feel respected. I feel honored by Roger. I hope he feels the same way.

And guys, it isn’t just a feeling this time. It isn’t the butterflies working in my stomach. And it’s not the rush I get when he kisses me. It’s the deep connection of friendship, and feeling like my needs and his needs are both met. We both can be our authentic selves. I am not afraid to be honest about my feelings or thoughts. He doesn’t reject me in any way. And I don’t reject him in the same way. This is what love really feels like. I am not just attached because I want a relationship. We are staying in each other’s lives because I think we both know that this is real love.

Roger also brought me back to my spirituality. For that, I will always be forever thankful. Meeting him has opened my eyes to the inner problems I have, and how I want to grow as a human being. Him meeting me has done the same thing for him.

We don’t know what the future holds, but we both believe hold heartedly that god placed each of us in each other’s lives for a reason. And I’m excited to find out the reason why.

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I look back on my own personal growth, and I am so proud of myself.

I was always so codependent.

I grew up in church. Spiritually is a beautiful thing, and it gives so many people life and promise. I was happy in church, for the most part. But I look back, and I was codependent on god to make me feel whole. I think that’s the whole point of religion though, that we aren’t whole without God. I don’t want to debate anyone, I truly believe that religion can be a light for people in the darkness. I also believe it can make people grow in compassion and love. But in my experience as well, I always felt so codependent on God’s love and acceptance of me. I saw myself as incomplete. I am a sinner. I am damned to hell for lust. I needed saving. It’s as if somehow, my desire to be loved by god (or what I thought god was) increased my insecurities in myself.

After I lost my religion and my believes about who god was and how to serve him, I became codependent on Chris. I looked to him for acceptance as I am. I turned to him when I felt sad or weak. He accepted me in many ways that I couldn’t accept myself.

I realize I’ve been codependent in the past in order to function. ”Am I okay God? I am okay the way I am? Cool, thank you!” After religion was out of the picture, I would ask Chris: “Am I okay Chris? Am I okay the way I am? Cool, thank you!” I wanted validation all the time. I hated myself and the decisions I would make. I felt small in many cases. I didn’t respect myself or my boundaries. I would choose the codependent life in order to find acceptance and love.

I’ve grown now, and I am not religious anymore. I am also 2 years out from my relationship with Chris. As I am growing, I am learning to love myself more. Instead of hating pieces of me, I am learning to accept those pieces. And if I don’t? Instead of self hatred, and looking for reassurance that I’m okay I have decided to change. Or atleast, try to change. Maybe it’s part of growing up. Maybe I went through a lot in order to find myself. I don’t know who I am yet, but I am on a journey to find out.

There’s some things in my life that have been going on that I would like to share with you all, but I’ll save it for another time. what I do want to say is, is that I have decided to break the cycle of my codependency. And I choose to love myself as I grow into the person I want to be.

Wish me luck,
Daneva T.

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