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Dating is scary.
Saturday. 4.28.18 6:07 am
I was talking to a friend today, about how fast people can fall for others. I am one of those people. But, when I fall very fast, I don't lose interest very fast. My last relationship, Chris basically moved in with me after like a month of dating. I move quick, and it doesn't scare me.

But, what does scare me, is that other people are different. Some people fall fast, and lose interest just as easily. I'm so afraid of being a victim of that. I am afraid to get hurt. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with the guy I'm dating right now. I feel he likes me, and he always involves me in his future plans. I like that so much, and it makes me happy. But, I'm afraid of empty promises and sweet talk. I'm afraid I'm falling for what he says, more than what he will do. And why? Because I really like him.

I hate the game. I hate the whole "I can't text him because then he'll think i'm needy". Or the whole, can't talk to him when you want to because he will lose interest. If he loses interest because I like to talk to him, is he the one for me? Probably not. But, do I like him so much that I play the game and don't try to seem to needy? Yes. UGH.

I know this is new, and I shouldn't think so much. Enjoy the moment. I want to. At the same time, I'm so afraid and I want to guard my heart. Can't I just skip like, where both of us can be ourselves? Where I feel completely comfortable being me without thinking I'll scare him away? I wonder if he is also worried, and is hiding a lot of himself too.

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Happiness
Sunday. 4.22.18 8:12 pm
The guy from Fresno and I broke it off a bit ago. There was no connection, although he was a pretty good guy. I couldn't feel it. And I think not having that spark made me miss my ex. Or at least, miss having that type of connection with someone.

But now, I found someone that I feel I have an even stronger connection with. It's exciting, but also very scary to have this connection with him. I like him so much, but I try not to show him just how much. Not just yet. Anyways, so far there is nothing at all I would ever want to change about him. He's kind, sweet, HILARIOUS, thoughtful, and affectionate. He's exactly what I have always wanted in a man. I never felt this way before. 26 years of my life, and I never felt such an easy, strong bond with someone this fast.

We literally met in person on Tuesday (4/17). Since then, I met his family, he met my friends, and we have hung out so much. His family is so welcoming and warm, just like him. I felt accepted. I was a little shy, but I think as time goes on I can feel more and more comfortable. He introduced me just by my name, no title, which was fine. But by the end, he was holding my hand and rubbing my back in front of his family, lol. It was pretty cute. When we went out with my friends, apparently he was asking people what they thought of me, and that types of guys I like lol. He also intentionally went out to try to talk to all of my friends individually. So sweet. I'm not sure but I think he was drunk. He told me "One day, we are going to get married, have two kids, and a one story house". How did he know I want a one story house? Ugh, he's amazing. Anyways, I asked him "what would we name our kids?" and he asked me "Don't girls already have their kids names picked out since they were children?". And you know what? I realize I don't have any names picked out. I guess I want to see my child first before naming them. Of course, I don't want to think about having kids until I'm 30, which is 3 years away from now.

At the end of the day, we vibe very well. Jermaine, my coworker, told me he can feel the vibe. I know it's new, and it's exciting, and that maybe I am too hopeful...

But i hope I found him. I hope he thinks he found the one too.

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