After the kids went down for a nap last night, I was itching to write. I needed to get everything out of my head and onto paper. It helps me sort everything out. To my surprise, it cleared me head more than I expected. My mind feels free and clear of all of the questions that have haunted my mind for weeks. I've finally settle down enough to where I can think straight. It's a relief to find clarity after being lost for so long. Although I have many unanswered questions, I feel like I can take things step by step instead of having a cluster fuck in my mind. Time keeps ticking... It's time to make some changes. Time to stop being worthless spending my days thinking instead of taking action. I've always been terrified of the future. What If I never become anything or do anything great? What If I fail at everything? These thoughts are long gone now.




Hello future. It's nice to meet you :D

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Wow. March is here already. It seems like this year is moving along quickly. I've had a lot of time to think.. Despite my efforts, I am still just as scatter brained as a was a few weeks ago. x.x I get the feeling I need to stop thinking so much and start doing something. There are some things I want to know so bad that I am desperate for answers. However, I've come to realize over analizing my dreams and emotions isn't getting me anywhere. Time to start doing some research. I need to do something with my life. As things stand right now, I'm going nowhere. I'm not making a future for my children or myself.
For most of my life I felt worthless. When I was little, I never believed my Mother when she told me God never makes mistakes because I thought I was a mistake. A big mistake.. Now, I know I'm not completely worthless, and that maybe I am good for something. I have no clue what that something is... but if I don't get out into the world and make an effort I'll never know.


I need to know...

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To start off with, My car broke down a couple days ago. My parents were going to have it towed somewhere to get it fixed. I found out it was a $600 repair to the security system. Although it was depressing that I would have to take a chunk out of savings, I need a working car. So, a friend of mine contacted my yesterday even ing wanting to go out for dessert. I told her I would love to BUT, my car is broken :( It was a bummer... but a chocolate lava cake sounded too good and I wanted one. I walked over to my purse and grabbed my car keys. After many attempts to fix my car, it seemed inevitable that it needed to be towed to a dealership. Despite that fact, I walked out the front door to my car. I opened the drivers side door and plopped in the seat knowing I was wasting my time. I stuck the key into the ignition and softly spoke aloud "God, please let my car start." To my complete surprise it turned on with ease.. I was overjoyed and thanking God like crazy. He just saved me $600! He is so flipping awesome :)

So many things have happened this past week. I could go on and on about the times I've gone out to eat with family or friends, hung out with friends, the places I've been, pony rides at my Aunts house.. :) This month has been pretty sweet.

However, one thing that sticks out the most (other than my car) is that I had a much needed conversation with a good friend. It was amazing to talk to someone openly that truely understands. Even when I can't find the words to say. I want to talk to this person again soon. I just don't know when that will be or, if we will ever have the chance again.

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There is so much I want to say. However, I cannot find the words. It seems as though when I find a few answers a dozen more questions come up. I've been asking God all morning to steer me into the right drection. I want to know where I need to be and I need him to show me. I am so lost in my own mind.

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Tyler and I made plans two weeks in advanced to do things this upcoming friday night. We've talked about them and been excited that Friday is almost here. However, my Mother-in-law text Tyler stating she wants to do a birthday dinner that same night because it was convenient for his family. Tyler explained to her that we had plans and she was NOT happy. She fussed and babied her way into Tyler agreeing to make these dinner plans. Tyler is agreeing to this pretty much to shut her up so she doesn't start more drama and cause problems (because she will). We have to cancel half of our plans to do so. She sent me a text regaurding the new plans for Friday. I told her I was aware because we had to compromise our plans to make them. Shortly there after, Tyler forwards me a message she sent to him basicly saying that i don't give a shit about family plans and, because of that she is "disregaurding" my birthday all together and to forget about the plans.

Wow...

It really bothers me that she insists on creating drama all the time. This isn't the first time in the past few days she has caused drama for Tyler and I. She creates drama out of nothing. There is no reason for her to behave this way. Last week, she sent me a message saying her and my Father-in-law don't care about Tyler any more and that he was a fuck up. Obviously, I shared this message with Tyler. When he confronted her about what she had said, she told him it wasn't true and I was making things up. She knows Tyler and I are on thin ice. She knows that I am hanging on to this relationship by a thread hoping that things will work out. Why must she insist on doing shit that is only pushing me harder to walk away? I don't get it.

She is flipping crazy.

.::UPDATE::.

I made it aware to her that Tyler forwarded me the message and told her how I felt about it. (Tyler forwarded me the messge you sent him. All I can say is wow... I just wanted to let you know we compromised our plans to make these family plans. However, if this is how you are going to behave that's alright. We don't have to go to dinner.) She sent me an essay back apologizing and now the plans are back in place... how she wants them. It bothers me that she cries and fusses her way into getting what she wants. Thats what my 3 year old and 18 month old toddlers do... She's an adult. Come on...

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I've noticed a lot of posts about dreams. So here is mine from last night.

I was on vacation. The town I was in was set up with tents. Much like what you would see in a third world country. I was walking up and down the strip looking at all of these tents. It was crowded with people I havn't seen. I don't remember the people I was with but, I know I didn't know them in real life. In the dream I did. They were my friends and family. As I was walking, I saw a vacation house that was infused into incredibly large tree. The base of the trunk was huge, and it looked as though the tree was slowly consuming the house. When I saw it, I had a flash of memories of this dream family and I staying in this house from a previous vacation. At one point I walked by a tent that had a mirror. I noticed I wasn't wearing any make-up and paniced. I had no memory of being married and having children. My thougt was, what if I run into a nice fellow in this seemingly run down town? I want to look my best! Luckily, there was a gaggle of make-up tents down the road. I went to them and bought some make up.

Next thing I know everything is modernized. I'm standing in a parking lot and deciced to get into the passenger side of an older, pale blue car parked infront of a mega mall. While sitting there, a gigantic dragonfly came down from the sky and hovered over the sidewalk. when I say gigantic, I mean large enough to grab an adult human and sweep them away. Its eyes were bulging out and looking around as if it were looking for prey. I sat motionless and unafraid in the car, pondering if it was going to consume someone. After a few minutes, it flew away without incident.

Next thing I know I'm underground beneath the mall. There were a series of large rooms with long hallways connecting them. I remember seeing the floor, walls, and ceiling we made of tiles. Small white bathroom tiles with blue caulk between them. In the rooms, there were fish tanks the size of the wall. Living in them were sharks. Giant sharks that is. (Everything in this dream was HUGE) Large enough to swallow several people in one bite. Every room had these tanks in them. For some reason, I knew at one point these tanks would give way and the underground tunnels would fill with water and sharks. I was not alone. There were hundreds of people with me walking around casualy. I desperately tried to find a way to the surface. With no luck, I felt like I was doomed. At that moment, I heard the glass cracking and a sudden rush of water. Everyone was instantly swept awak. I turn and see a wall of water heading my way. I held my breath and was swept away in the current. I ended up in one of the large rooms. I swam to the top where I saw a hatch. Thats my way out! I opend the hatch and found myself climbing out into the mega mall where people where shopping and going about their day as normal.

There was a seperate dream after that where I was in an animal shelter. I found a cute little puppy that had a navy blue button up shirt on. It was adorable. That day, their was a celebration of some kind and they were giving out free adoption. The catch was you had to pay $15.95 for vaccinations. Even then that's still an amazing deal.

So random....

Tonight is the 70's party. Tyler thinks he will be fine and is feeling up to it. Yay! I aslo checked my work schedule. I have no shifts this week or next week. WTF... Everyone that is part time has the same problem. As much as I despise working there, I need to make money. Time to start looking for other job opportunities...

Navy Navy Navy. Good things come in the Navy. Especially in the burning months of May and August.

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My husband text me last night that his ear was throbbing at work. I told him to get it checked out at his Dr.s office and that everything should be fine. Well, late last night his ear started bleeding. He took a trip to the hospital and claimed he was in incredible pain. I can only imagine how that feels... He was diagnosed with a ruptured ear drum. Although this is unfortunate for him and I understand he is uncomfortable, he is acting like he's dying. He is being so dramatic about this.. it's ridiculous. My mom woke be up at 2:15am saying tyler called and needed me to contact him. He made it seem like something was seriously wrong. I checked my phone (which was on silent) and he called me 9 times back to back. When that didn't work he called my parents untill they woke up so they could wake me up... I was so upset that he woke my parents up. He even woke is buddy up to tell him he had to go to the hospital. I know he was in pain and was there alone but, dear Jesus he wasn't dying. I don't understand why he is so dramatic.

My parents are watching the kids tonight so I can go to church with a friend of mine. They wouldn't have to but, since Tyler is dying they offered to so I can still go get my worship on. :) I'm not sure if I can go to the 70's party. According to the Dr he can't work for 3 days... The party is tomorrow night. We'll see what happens. He wants to go so I'm hoping he will heal up enough to feel comfortable to go. The swelling has already gone down since last night. I'm sure he will be fine.

Time to go to the store to buy some cleaner for my car.

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I went to Sea World yesterday with The mom-in-law and kids. I haven't been since I was in 5th grade. It was fun! My little man wasn't amused. He couldn't do anything fun and was pissed off all day. However, KB had a great time. They had this cute pet show where all of these rescued animals were trained to do cute tricks. :D it was adorable. I'm hoping I can go again sometime soon to ride all of the big kid stuff. They have roller coasters and of course Journey to Atlantis! I can't wait!

Work on Thursday was amusing. The coordinater (They are like supervisors or assistant managers) that was working hates me.Knowing this, I annoy the crap out of him when we work together. He always gives me assignments that keep me away. He thinks he's ruining my day by making me stocker or making me prep food but, I love it. I don't have to deal with most people. The ones I did work with that day are cool. It was actually a pretty good day. On a bad note... I did something stupid. I forgot to close the sun roof on my car.. and it was a rainy day... Now my car is full of mold... SO...

Tomorrow I am scrubbing my car. After that my parents are taking it to install a new radio because THIS WEEK IS MY BIRTHDAY!! It doesn't feel like I am going to be 23. But hey, who counting nowadays? Speaking of Birthdays, there is a birthday every day this week according to my facebook. So there will be much celebrating.

There is a lot of noise outside my front door. I think the cats are scratching at it. It sounds horrid. O.O

Monday I am going to my husbands work party and it's 70's themed. So, with the help of the internet and my mom I did a little shopping today. I bought everything I needed for my costume for about $22. That ROCKS! I look awful in it. What was everyone thinking in that era? I don't understand most fashion in present time. But, damn! It's crazy madness. I will try to upload a picture to further embarass myself.

Thats about it for now.

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