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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Why do I even pretend I'll try to sleep?
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
I figured out a sort of workaround for my OKC issues. I just set my age to 96. No more visitors! No more hassle! But still available in case someone who was already talking to me wants to get in touch.

Leaving for Hawaii tomorrow. And by "tomorrow" I really just mean "in a few hours," because it's like 1:30 AM and it's actually Wednesday and we're going to the airport at 6 AM. Gonna sleep a lot on that plane, lemme tell ya.

Didn't make it to the gym today because Fro and Becka wanted to hang out in the evening, and the Zyrtec I took while babysitting (to keep from having any adverse reactions to the cats) made me suuuuuuuper sleepy. Ended up just napping as soon as I got home, then packed for Hawaii and headed out to Becka's.

[6/14/2016 9:26:22 PM] J: oh man, my grandma pwned me the other day
[6/14/2016 9:26:58 PM] J: you know how she was trying to argue the "well she's your friend, and she's a girl, right? That makes her a girlfriend." and i was like nooooooooooooo.
[6/14/2016 9:27:26 PM] J: well we were on a walk one day, and i was looking at a tree, and was like "oh, look, there are blue berries growing on that tree."
[6/14/2016 9:27:34 PM] J: and she goes, "those aren't blueberries"
[6/14/2016 9:27:54 PM] J: and i'm like yeah, i know they're not BLUEEEEBERRIES, but they're berries that are blue, i mean
[6/14/2016 9:28:00 PM] J: and she's like "oh, like your girlfriend?"
[6/14/2016 9:28:03 PM] J: -______________-
[6/14/2016 9:28:10 PM] J: i was in such defeat

When I was at Becka's house, I was telling my friends about J, and Fro paused and looked at me very seriously and was like "I would be fine with it if you married him." I was munching on a tiropita and froze mid-bite when she said that, and was just staring at her like O_O. Was so unprepared for that statement. Like whoa whoa whoa, nobody said anything about that. We're just friends, and thoughts like that about the future are... out of place. Plus, having a good friendship doesn't necessarily mean you'd have a good relationship. >.> It's not like you just upgrade to a relationship by adding some affection into the mix... As tempting as it is to view things that simply, my past mistakes have taught me that it doesn't work that way for me. I mean, there are different levels of commitment, expectations, behaviors... I'm trying my hardest not to jump into anything without full consideration of the consequences. I know I can get overly optimistic in these contexts, and I'm trying not to fall into the same pattern as always.

For reference, I feel like things more or less go like this:

-Summer: Feel awesome, have awesome interactions, all sorts of great things
-Fall: Whoops I'm getting depressed, things are starting to suck now
-Spring: Well that sucked, starting to recover though

So yeah... I'm really hesitant to judge anything based on these warm weather experiences. I know that I can be likable and fun and [insert whatever positive thing] when I'm not depressed. That's the me that's easy to handle. I feel like I've gotten to a point where my depression doesn't have a significant negative effect on my friendships anymore when it gets to that time of year, but I'm still working on how it affects romantic relationships.

My lifestyle has changed a bit, though. I do exercise more (was looking up workouts on Fitness Blender tonight actually, so I hopefully don't become a couch potato in Hawaii), and I've been pushing myself to socialize wayyyyyy more than I did in past years. It helps that I've had actual friends to do that with, of course. The light box I got will also possibly help, though I haven't had a chance to try it out during the winter months.

Still, I fully expect to get depressed, and I don't want it to ruin anything more for me. (I know it wasn't necessarily the primary cause in past things going wrong, but I feel like it must have been a considerable factor; in any case it doesn't make things easier)

I hope someday I'll be over this fear that my depression will eventually drive away everyone I care about. It's been so hard, though, especially a lot of the times I've tried to be open and vulnerable and honest, it went really badly and I ended up feeling abandoned and anxious.

But... things have been getting better, slowly but surely. And I do think everything will work out, in some way. Maybe not the way I want, maybe not any way I could expect, but somehow things will be okay. (I really believe that most of the time now!)

"Getting Better" by The Beatles.

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I need to stop going to bed at 3 AM
Monday, June 13, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 2 hours.

Mat Pilates and Cycle Fusion today. I didn't feel like going to CSI.

I felt... really quite happy for the majority of today. Stayed up until almost 5 AM because of a ~3 hour long videochat, and then woke up roughly five hours later and started talking to the same person again until I had to leave for an appointment. >.>

Also mailed out a package to J, so I'm glad I finally got that done. ^__^ But of course... now that it's been sent, I have all these intrusive thoughts bothering me, like "What if I wrote the wrong address???" and "What if it gets damaged in the mail and it shows up looking like a total wreck???" Thanks so much brain.

I am very seriously contemplating disabling my OKC, but it won't let me log in on the desktop site right now because of "technical difficulties"... But yeah... I just don't feel interested in meeting any more people at the moment.

[12:57:04 AM] J: so uh, yeah
[12:57:06 AM] J: thanks for like
[12:57:07 AM] J: being
[12:57:11 AM] J: :P
[12:57:16 AM] Me: Hahah
[12:57:22 AM] Me: Thank you for being too. ^_^

At the moment I feel... mmm... overwhelmed with gratitude, I guess. Just this deep, intense gratitude that such a person could exist, and that we met, and that we're friends. It's almost a painful level of appreciation, and I feel it in my chest. My heart feels like... well, the closest thing I can think of is how your stomach feels when you've barely eaten in days and you finally have a real meal, but you eat it all and it hurts because your body became accustomed to so much less.

And there's also this feeling of immense relief, mingled with some amount of disbelief. It almost feels too good to be true. I'm so used to dead ends and disappointments, and I was starting to convince myself that I'd never meet the kind of person I was hoping for. Telling myself I was longing for something that didn't exist.

It's only been a bit more than a month so far, and I don't know what will happen in the future, but for now at least I just want to savor this feeling.

[1:02:29 AM] Me: I kinda want to say stuff again about how much I like our friendship but I think I would just be repeating myself, haha, so I'll just say goodnight for now. >.<
[1:02:40 AM] J: yeah don't run it dry, man
[1:02:44 AM] J: xD jkjk
[1:03:47 AM] J: i could have said it every night we've talked :) but yeah i won't repeat either :P good night!!!

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Another little update
Saturday, June 11, 2016
I booked my flight down to southern California.


Also I had lunch with Varsha today and it was great! We caught up on some things (apparently there was a five year high school reunion that nobody told me about) and I told her some of the uhhhh more interesting experiences I've had meeting people.

140 second plank today.


Nothing makes you feel old like talking to a teenager.

[01:45:10] [Kid] i managed to go two weeks with no internet can you believe that
[01:45:15] [Kid] at age 13
[01:45:18] [Kid] :P
[01:45:36] [Me] I think I still had dialup when I was 13, haha.
[01:45:48] [Me] So I wasn't allowed on the computer for more than 45 minutes at a time.
[01:46:03] [Kid] well 13 is only 3 years ago for me haha
[01:46:06] [Me] Yeah
[01:46:17] [Me] Was close to twelve years ago for me.
[01:46:22] [Kid] holy
[01:46:53] [Kid] 12 years ago i was just about to start kindergarten
[01:46:57] [Kid] hahaha
[01:47:07] [Me] Well, I'm 8/9 years older than you, so, yeah.
[01:47:41] [Kid] :P
[01:48:20] [Me] Used to be that I could only really go on the internet during the summer when we visited my uncle's house, because he had DSL.
[01:48:46] [Kid] thats so weird
[01:48:59] [Kid] i guess the internet has just become like
[01:49:02] [Kid] molded to em
[01:49:03] [Kid] me
[01:49:11] [Kid] its like a part of who i am
[01:49:18] [Me] I think it's hard to imagine life without it if it's been so omnipresent in your life.
[01:49:25] [Kid] yea exactly
[01:49:39] [Kid] jesus christ
[01:49:47] [Kid] i cant imagine
[01:50:04] [Kid] having to walk over to a freinds house
[01:50:12] [Kid] knock on their bedroom window
[01:50:22] [Kid] and then ask if they wanna hang out
[01:50:28] [Me] Well we had phones, you know.
[01:50:28] [Me] XD
[01:50:31] [Kid] and them being like "no"
[01:50:41] [Kid] and then id have to fucking walk all the way hom
[01:50:54] [Kid] while avoiding dinosaurs
[01:50:57] [Kid] lmao

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Just a li'l entry
Thursday, June 9, 2016
No gym today because I hung out with Sean instead, but I did manage to hold a plank for 130 seconds, so that was a thing. Just did it when I was babysitting because the baby was doing her own thing and I didn't really have anything to do.


Oh my goodness I am so flustered right now. My face feels like it's on fire.


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Bandaids are magic!
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 4 hours.

Just Piloxing today.

I had a nightmare last night, and I talked to my therapist about it, and we discussed it possibly being about trust and friends and the lingering threat of depression.

[6/8/2016 10:26:14 PM] J: at dinner, with my whole family and some family friends, my grandma somehow brought you up as my "girlfriend" again
[6/8/2016 10:26:42 PM] J: "well she's your girl and she's a friend, right?" GRANDMA IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT
[6/8/2016 10:27:15 PM] Me: Hahahaha
[A few minutes later...]
[6/8/2016 10:33:05 PM] Me: Oh I think you might have mentioned this before and I forgot
[6/8/2016 10:33:09 PM] J: yeah
[6/8/2016 10:33:27 PM] J: man early onset alzheimer's? talk about having to face your fears.
[6/8/2016 10:33:32 PM] Me: :c
[6/8/2016 10:33:34 PM] J: that sucks bro
[6/8/2016 10:33:40 PM] J: xDDD
[6/8/2016 10:33:41 PM] J: jkjk
[6/8/2016 10:33:45 PM] J: i'm sorry T-T
[6/8/2016 10:33:51 PM] Me: :'c
[6/8/2016 10:34:00 PM] Me: :''''''''''''c
[6/8/2016 10:34:09 PM] J: I'M SORRY
[6/8/2016 10:34:11 PM] Me: Look at all these apostrophe tears you made me cry
[6/8/2016 10:34:11 PM] J: I DIDN'T MEAN IT
[6/8/2016 10:34:19 PM] J: WOW SO MANY
[6/8/2016 10:34:35 PM] J: i uh
[6/8/2016 10:34:38 PM] J: *whistles*
[6/8/2016 10:34:44 PM] J: *dog comes, licks your tears up*
[6/8/2016 10:34:48 PM] J: oh wait you don't like dogs either
[6/8/2016 10:34:48 PM] Me: Ewwwww no
[6/8/2016 10:34:49 PM] J: shit
[6/8/2016 10:34:51 PM] J: oops
[6/8/2016 10:34:52 PM] Me: Nooooooo
[6/8/2016 10:34:54 PM] J: mb again
[6/8/2016 10:35:01 PM] J: i just can't do anything right
[6/8/2016 10:35:02 PM] J: T-T
[6/8/2016 10:35:20 PM] Me: I don't want to be your girlfriend in your grandma's imagination anymore D':
[6/8/2016 10:35:37 PM] Me: Can't take this abuse
[6/8/2016 10:35:41 PM] J: AWWWW somehow that was slightly painful
[6/8/2016 10:35:46 PM] J: x'(
[6/8/2016 10:35:52 PM] Me: Hahaha
[6/8/2016 10:35:57 PM] *** Muffin Extraordinaire pats you on the head ***
[6/8/2016 10:36:21 PM] *** J *whimpers* ***
[6/8/2016 10:36:21 PM] J: pls no
[6/8/2016 10:36:27 PM] J: come back to my grandma's imagination
[6/8/2016 10:36:29 PM] J: i didn't mean it
[6/8/2016 10:36:31 PM] J: i'm sorry
[6/8/2016 10:36:47 PM] *** Muffin Extraordinaire puts a bandaid on your grandma's imagination ***
[6/8/2016 10:36:50 PM] Me: That's the best I can do
[6/8/2016 10:37:29 PM] J: damn dude just ignoring my grandma's imagination's feelings, how savage
[6/8/2016 10:37:35 PM] J: grandma's imagination's feelings doesn't want to be healed
[6/8/2016 10:37:37 PM] Me: I PUT A BANDAID ON IT
[6/8/2016 10:37:38 PM] J: it just wants you back
[6/8/2016 10:37:42 PM] Me: BANDAIDS HEAL EVERYTHING

I'm feeling really happy right now. ^u^ It's almost 3 AM and that's an unusual time for me to feel this way, but it's nice! My friend J has quickly ascended the ranks and become one of my favorite people to talk to. :3

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Impromptu movie night
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
So I saw The Lobster tonight with Esther and it was awesome. I mean, that's not really the right word to describe it, because it was this sort of quiet but deep enjoyable experience, not like an "AW YEAH THIS IS AWESOME!!!" exciting thing, but yeah. Esther had a WTF expression on her face for most of the film, because she's not at all used to surreal films, but I liked it a lot. We talked about it afterwards and she said she felt like it helped that I was there, because she understood it better, haha. She also said that she didn't think she would have liked it much before she met me, because apparently I have introduced weird and quirky things into her life or something. XD

The movie was kind of like a very exaggerated metaphor for mm... human relations and expectations and loneliness and love/companionship. I didn't think it felt too heavy-handed though. Would watch it again.

I voted today, and went to the doctor (the nurse I had was Indian and kept asking if I wanted a Tdap shot, but I couldn't understand her, and then someone else came in to give it to me and said it was a tetanus shot, but she said "I'm going to give you a tetanus injection"). I also... babysat. But I didn't go to the gym because I was too tired. :( Took a nap instead... but... maybe it's okay... because my lower body was kinda sore from yesterday. My arm also hurts a bit from the shot. :S

Esther and I are going to go hiking on Sunday! I said I would lend her my Adulting book too, because she asked what I'd been reading lately and that was one of the nonfiction ones. Hoping to hang out a few more times before I leave. Gotta make plans with everyone...

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Nothing of consequence
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Gym time today: 3 hours.
Total this week: 3 hours.

Mat Pilates, Cycle Fusion, CSI today. I felt so sleepy through all three. In CSI she had us do three rounds of the same set of exercises (50 squats, 20 push ups, 30 jump lunges, 20 lateral raises, 50 mountain climbers, 15 burpees), and even though I went pretty much as fast as I could through them, it didn't help with the sleepiness. Not sure what was going on.

Gonna go vote tomorrow, among other things. Doctor appointment, babysitting, hospice visit, gym... Phew. I hope I don't get too tired.

The CSI instructor plays this song a lot and I like it, but it also kind of makes me laugh.

"Another Night" by Real McCoy.

I think it's so funny to me because of the guy's voice. I mean, I like deep voices, but a super serious deep voice in a song like this is just... so silly. Was this just a popular thing in the 90s? Aqua has it going on too (although I think the members of Aqua don't take themselves seriously, whereas it feels like the singers in Real McCoy do).

Okay, so, I didn't tell Gwenny, but for writing group, I kinda cheated and didn't write something new for the meeting (this is separate from the poem I wrote during the meeting; we're supposed to write between meetings and then share). I ended up just using something I'd already written. >.> It fit the prompt though, and she liked it. Still, it was sort of scary, because it was a very personal piece, and nobody else has seen it before. Really wasn't expecting her to react so positively to it. I guess that's good, though... Maybe it's okay to share some of the personal stuff once in awhile. <_<

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Some Youtube stuffs
Sunday, June 5, 2016
So Youtube recommended this video to me...

"i'm not like other girls"

I definitely related to a lot of parts of it, both in the past and in the present as well (to an extent). When I was eight, my best friend decided we should be tomboys, and that was when I started thinking "girly" things were stupid. I don't think I've ever wished to be male, but I've had a longstanding internal sense that stereotypically feminine things are somehow... inherently inferior to masculine things. That's been decreasing a lot in recent years as I've been embracing femininity more, though. Still, I notice it cropping up in small ways. For example, when I write a character, I almost always default to male, because it feels like male is neutral, and a female character can't just be a person. Like there needs to be some specific reason for a character to be female... (I guess I also feel like people will think a female character is supposed to be some kind of representation of myself, though, and male characters just feel safely detached from me)

But yeah... this is something I've been realizing at different points over the past few years, and I want to move away from this internalized notion that femininity is inferior to masculinity. I used to try to be "better" by adopting more masculine attitudes and behaviors, but that's... yeah, that's not the right way to do it.

In other news, Varsha forgot we were having lunch today. I got to the restaurant and waited for half an hour, but she didn't show, or reply to the text or voicemail I left her. A few hours later she responded and was extremely apologetic, saying that she was helping a friend in San Francisco move and hadn't checked her phone. We've rescheduled for next Saturday... so maybe the third time is the charm. Also meeting SL to go hiking on Saturday (Suggested 10 AM, so I won't have that much time to hike before I have to leave to meet Varsha at 12:30, whoops).


I can't remember if I've shared this here before, but my friend was telling me about his grandma and grandpa and it reminded me of this clip from What Dreams May Come.

I always feel so sad when he says "I just wanted us to be old together." Hits so deep in the feels. >_< It's hard enough to find someone you want to spend your life with, and the thought of getting to that point and having them taken away from you... agh. :C Even though I know research shows us that we tend to think things will make us happier or sadder than they really will, I can't imagine losing someone that close to you being anything less than terrible.

...On a less depressing note, we got more watermelon, and I pureed like... 3/8 of it and added some lime/lemon juice and ground ginger and put it in the freezer and it's gonna be amazing. *__* I poured some of it into popsicle molds and am making more of a granita-type thing with the rest.

Also, tonight I learned that centipedes are terrifying, but I'm not afraid of millipedes.

And here's something I'm just linking because I might want to remember it later:

The Sneetches

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