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Memores acti prudentes futuri


It feels like gouging out my eyes
illuminate and open wide
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
~ William Blake
TICoSME
Musicalities!
Online Radio
Soma.fm

More Fun Shtuff
Newgrounds Audio Portal
Pandora
SoundClick
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Aquapunk
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts
Beeserker

Blue Milk Special
Bobbins
Broodhollow
Bug
Buttersafe
Camp Weedonwantcha
Chainsawsuit
ChannelATE
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Distillum
DUBBLEBABY
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
E-merl.com
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Mirror
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
Hollow Mountain
IDK Comics
Inscribing Ardi
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
L.A.W.L.S.
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
Metacarpolis
Monsterhood
Monsterkind
The Moon Prince
Moon Town
Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
Nedroid
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Optipess
Out There
Owen's Uncles
Phuzzy Comics
P.I. Jane
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
Powernap
The Property of Hate
Red Meat
Rice Boy
Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Savage Chickens
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
Strong Female Protagonist
Subnormality
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Mirror

Witchy
xkcd
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
American Hell
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
Bobwhite
The Book of Biff
Brat-halla
Brightest
Bullfinch
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Dream Life
Edemia
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Floodmud
Freaks!

Green Wake
Gun Show
Hello with Cheese
Helpful Figures
Intragalactic
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Manta-man
Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Mis-
Moe
The Nerds of Paradise
Nimona
No Reason Comics
Odd-Fish
One Swoop Fell
Patches
Pictures for Sad Children
Raymondo Person
A Redtail's Dream

Riotfish
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
Saint's Way
Shortpacked!
Sin Titulo
Snowflakes
Split Lip
Spooky Doofus
SubCulture
Super Buzzkill
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
Thermohalia
Troubletown
Ugly Girl
YU + ME
2815 Monument

Pure Flash Awesomeness
Aardvardkbutter.com
Angry Alien
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
The Frown
Hoogerbrugge

Other
Bogleech
Clients from Hell
Brian Despain
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Submarinechannel.com
Superdickery
UHpinions
Whirled
Looky here
free counters
Some different things
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Random things...

---

Dumbo is a sad story about misunderstanding and premature action resulting in a child having to grow up early and become independent in order to adapt to the harshness of life. I was also thinking about how it might be significant that Dumbo is pretty much voiceless, and how his mouse friend interprets everything for him... Didn't really continue that train of thought though.

---

Looking through my pictures folder, I found this:


It made me imagine instituting some kind of policy where I required each successive boyfriend to be able to defeat the last in hand to hand combat. I wonder if I'd just end up having to date some sort of master martial artist by the end of that, though.

---

Also found this:


Sometimes I worry that I'll end up thinking too highly of myself and feel like I'm above caring about other people's problems. That would be a really terrible thing to happen, considering the field I'm planning on going into... I've never really worried about getting burnt out from doing too much, but I feel like getting too full of myself could have a similar effect on my ability to help others.

---

It's like 3 AM, which is a pretty bad time for me to be up and alone, because I can get fairly melancholic at this time of night. I should go to sleep... Sleep's been a little disappointing lately though, because I haven't been able to remember my dreams very well at all.

---

I really need to develop some film. It's gonna be kind of fun to get the pictures back, because I have absolutely no idea what they are for the most part.

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N-
Monday, October 5, 2015
So this magical happy streak (possibly helped along by iron supplements, among other things) is still going.

I'm pretty satisfied with my life at the moment! There are still some stressful things, but it seems okay.

Kyle keeps teasing me though. >_>

Kyle: :p
Kyle: It's so fun to harass you.
Me: You're so mean T_T

I had this thought of spraying my pillow with Tag First Move, but it seems dangerous. I mean, flannel pillow case + that scent could result in me never wanting to leave my bed again. Also I'm not sure if I want my head to smell like men's body spray. I mean, I get pretty blissed out smelling it, but I suspect other people's reactions would be not quite as positive?



Oh, this feeling is so nice. I don't know what other adjective to use than nice.

---

I feel like throwing bunfetti at people.

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Sparsity
Sunday, October 4, 2015
So, last night was interesting.

And nice.

It was pretty nice.

I spent part of it being like though, not gonna lie.

Today was good too! I went to APE with friends and picked up some different things.

Got something for a friend, but when I looked at the receipt in my email, I realized that it meant something different than I initially thought, so... now I'm not sure what to do with it. >.> I just thought it was kind of cute and goofy when I got it. Whoops.

Ummmm um um I feel like there's a lot to say but I don't really know if I want to write about it here. Good thing I have an actual paper journal for this kind of thing, haha.

This song is so nice and upbeat.

"Kiss Me Again" by The Drums.


---Edit---

Brain is doing that thing where it focuses on terrible things.

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Weekend plans?
Friday, October 2, 2015
I think it's gonna be a busy weekend... Tomorrow I'm working at a glass pumpkin thing for like... six hours? And then I might hang out with my friend in the evening... though he said after 7 PM would be better, so I guess I'll have a little time in the afternoon to do whatever.

Sunday, I'm going to APE (Alternative Press Expo) with a few people! I've been wanting to go for a few years now, but never got the chance. I'm hoping it will be as cool as I've imagined.

---

I need a gif between

and

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Nice things or something
Thursday, October 1, 2015
"I Like You" by Morrissey.

No one I ever knew
Or have spoken to resembles you
This is good or bad
All depending on my general mood
Why do you think I let you get away
With all the things you say to me?


I had a very pleasant Skype call with a friend tonight. We had nice things to say to each other, and I made him blush. It felt short, but I guess it was actually an hour long? A little longer than an hour. Maybe it just seems short relative to how long we tend to talk. I was in a good mood, which was very possibly related to the fact that I had my birthday can of Tag First Move in my hand and I kept smelling it. It smells ridiculously good. I'm not sure if I can even smell it without smiling, actually. I imagine this is what it's like to smoke weed.

Happenings today: I got a certificate for being volunteer of the month at the crisis line! I've been putting around fifty hours a month in there, so it's nice to be appreciated for my time.

I also had my first visit with a patient as a hospice volunteer... The patient was sleeping though, so I only stayed about ten minutes before leaving. Hopefully next time I'll be able to have some actual interaction. One of the staff told me that the patient yells a lot when awake, which makes it a bit scary. Alzheimer's will do that to you, I guess.

Oh also, I think maybe I've been iron deficient for awhile? Could also be period-related... but I've been feeling very tired, and today I didn't, but I think it could be because I took some iron supplements and had molasses yesterday. Today my mom and I went to Whole Foods and picked up some different iron-rich foods, including black strap molasses and a lot of dark chocolate. Pumpkin seeds seem to have a lot too, but they only had the shelled ones, and I actually like the shell on pumpkin seeds. Roasted pumpkin seeds are one of the nicest things about this season...

I know it's kinda dumb, but I like getting Chocolove bars and reading the love poems on the wrappers. Not all the poems are that great, but it's a nice little bonus to the chocolate. I need more art in my life...

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C
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Maybe I will try to start making things again.

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Abstract/concrete/random things
Monday, September 28, 2015
I had a dream that my friend and I were sitting on his couch on a little desert island, and the water was slowly rising around us. I watched it lap at the feet of the couch while he told a story about a cliff overhanging darkness.

I'm not sure whether it was day or night in the dream, because I seem to have two memories, one in which it was day and one in which it was night. But maybe it was just both at the same time. I also remember being on both sides of the couch, so I'm really not sure exactly how this was set up in my mind.

---

Trevor challenged me to draw baby Krampus in GIMP...

I think this is the first thing I've really drawn in GIMP in quite awhile. Forgot how much it sucks to draw with a mouse. Trevor thought it was good, though. I wish I had the drive to draw as much as I used to.

---

On IRC I was talking to a guy about a CBT thing I linked him to.

Him: Yeah. I think all it's going to tell me is that I show high signs of anxiety and depression and need to recognize my negative thoughts and think positive instead.
Me: Well, that's possible I guess.
Me: Though usually these things try to tell you how you can do that rather than just telling you to do it.
Him: Ha, that would be nice.
Me: It helps take it from abstract to concrete.
Him: Explain?
Me: Well, I think the issue with a lot of broad advice (e.g. "you just need to be aware of negative thoughts") is that it's too abstract to be useful.
Me: For instance, with environmental issues
Me: It's easy for us to say "we should clean up the ocean so it's not polluted anymore"
Me: But how the hell do we do that?
Me: So the little concrete steps are important
Me: Using dish soap to scrub sea birds and coming up with things to filter the water, stuff like that.

Talking about this made me think of other things that are too distant or abstract for people to take seriously. You can tell someone the same thing a hundred times and they might never get it, but if you offer specific concrete steps they can take, it makes a big difference... Or, well, it can. Sometimes it's hard to put things into concrete terms though, or even if you can, you might not want to... Maybe a good analogy would be trying to get someone to solve a math problem, and you don't want to tell them every step they need to take to do it, because then they won't learn how to do problems on their own... Better to just give them the basic tools they need and let them figure it out from there.

---

On Sunday night I talked to my friend about the romantic... daydreams? Fantasies? that I have. They're pretty realistic, as far as I'm concerned. I don't want much. Just someone I can be alone with. I imagine quietly reading separate books in a room together and occasionally commenting on something to each other. Or sitting near the kitchen while the other person is somewhere else in the house, and when they walk over to open the fridge to see if anything appealing has magically appeared in it, mentioning some amusing little thing to them, and they smile a bit and then go back to whatever they were doing. My parents have this kind of relationship, and it seems nice to me. It's also nice to have long engaging conversations, but sometimes you just want something more relaxed.

Maybe my desire for this kind of relationship is just a compromise between a need for alone time and a need for companionship. I want a lot of contact with people, but not necessarily at an intensive level all the time... Like, I might spend hours IMing someone on my computer, but it's harder to spend the same amount of time with them in person. I mean, it's not like that with everyone every time I hang out with people, but sometimes I just want to like, take a nap or something, and I can't really do that without ending the hangout. Or being weird, I guess.

Man, I wonder if I'm anemic or something. I feel tired so much. Could also be a bad sleep schedule (most likely) or dying (less likely). If I start sleeping twenty hours a day and it's slowly increasing though, I'm probably dying. I had a hospice meeting tonight and the volunteer services manager told us that the patients we work with tend to sleep more and more as they get closer to death.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. I guess it's never really that far from my mind, though. It's just that the thoughts are a bit different when I'm feeling good. More "I'm glad I'm not dead!" type stuff.

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Eclipse, tests [DP]
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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