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Memores acti prudentes futuri

We were standing there when the moon broke through
and I wonder still what it meant to you
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
~ William Blake
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Late entry today!
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Gym time today: 1.5 hours.
Total this week: 6 hours.

I had a very long day! I was supposed to babysit this morning at 9, and my alarm didn't go off, so I woke up at 8:54..............

Got dressed as fast as I could and drove over to the house where I was babysitting, apologized profusely, spent the next six hours entertaining a baby.

Also ate a granola bar and a banana as my makeshift breakfast there. And bought a couple salmon musubis from a grocery store when I took the baby out for a walk. Oh, and also a mini melon pan. But that was about it.

Finished at 3:30 pm, then quickly drove over to visit a hospice patient. Patient was sleeping. Phew. Stayed around, called the patient's name, patient didn't wake up.

Went home. Ate some sort of trail mix bar. Drove to the gym.

BOOTCAMP. I guess I didn't eat enough again, because I just didn't have the energy to do a lot of the exercises consistently for the whole time. :\ I felt really tired, and I felt bad that I didn't do more during the class, so I stayed an extra half hour and went on the Stairmaster for awhile, then ran a mile and walked one. Only an 8:20 minute mile pace today because of low energy.

Got home. Dad got dinner for me from Whole Foods. Yayyy, not having to make anything for myself. Ate dinner, went to Sean's house. Sat and talked with him while he browsed Tumblr and showed me stuff. He also played Diablo III briefly, and man, he is ridiculously overpowered in that game. He wiped out a boss in one hit. It was RIDICULOUS. So yeah, hanging out with him was cool. He's going back to school soon, so I probably won't be seeing him for quite awhile, but hopefully he keeps in touch.

It's 11:26 pm now. Just barely got my daily entry in.

Tomorrow's going to be another longish day... Gym in the morning (hopefully), then babysitting, therapy, then my call with my client. Not as long as today, at least. I really hope I have more energy for the gym tomorrow...

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Disappointed [Ask]
Monday, January 18, 2016
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Lazy again today :( [2P]
Sunday, January 17, 2016
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Skipped a day
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Gym time today: 1.5 hours.
Total this week: 11 hours.

Too busy yesterday to go to the gym. :( I stayed up well past 3 AM finishing my application essay for grad school, then went to bed... and right around when I fell asleep, some dude messaged me eighteen times in ten minutes on OKC. It woke me up and I was like "wtf, who is messaging me at 3:43 AM." Silenced my tablet after the first ten messages or so and went back to sleep, then looked at them in the morning. Eighteen messages. Why. Whyyyyyy. -__-

Umm... had babywork at 8:45 AM, so I didn't get to sleep much, but I left early (around 11 AM) to go home and sleep for a little before my crisis line shift... And School Alex picked me up from my shift to go hang out with my friends. We ended up hanging out until past midnight... So yeah... long day yesterday...

Today was less busy. I didn't make it to my regular gym classes this morning because I had writing group, but that was okay I guess. I didn't have a piece for writing group because I was so focused on just writing my application essay the past few days, but I wrote something for our in-meeting exercise, and it was okay.

Came home... ate food... played some dumb match-three game for an unreasonable amount of time... napped for a little bit... Then went to the gym.

Not having slept much in the past couple days, I felt kind of tired and out of it, but I ran two miles and walked one, then went on the Stairmaster for about half an hour. Used some of the weight machines while I was cooling down from that, then walked another mile. According to the machines I burned ~700 calories, but assuming they were at least 20% off, it was probably closer to 560 (or lower?). I guess that's not too bad for an hour and a half though, I dunno.

I want to see if I can run 3.5 miles again but I've been far too tired the past few days to manage it. :(


At the crisis line, there are some callers who have been calling for years. Some of them are friendly and appreciative, but others are very abrasive and angry. The ones in the latter category call and talk about the same things over and over again. They never seem to reach any resolution, and it's not clear if they even feel better by the end of the call, after all their ranting. My supervisor says that they must be getting something out of calling, because otherwise it wouldn't make sense for them to keep doing it. I don't know what they're getting from ranting at strangers on the phone so much, but I think she is probably right. I don't know what goes on in these people's lives after they hang up the phone, but maybe they do feel a bit better once they've let off some steam. Perhaps they are able to have more normal social interactions once they get out their aggression with the crisis line. I don't think that it's likely that they act the way they do on the line 100% of the time in their daily lives. The line, after all, is for crises. Thinking about this helps me be more patient with callers.

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Tiny entry
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 9.5 hours.

No records beat today. Ran two miles at 7.2 mph, went to use the weight machines/cool off, came back and ran one more mile, then walked one.

I am writing my application essay and talking about confronting the reality that I will die one day. Discussing how this makes me value the time I have before that happens.

That's all for now.

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Achievement unlockeddd
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 8.5 hours.

So I ran 3.5 miles continuously today. That's the longest distance I've ever run, and it's more than twice than the 1.5 miles I was doing before. I was running at an 8:20 minute mile speed (7.2mph I think), which was pretty comfortable. I think I could have run longer, but I made the mistake of not taking off my jacket before starting, and I was getting pretty warm by the end of the 3.5 miles, so I slowed down to take off my jacket and walked the last half mile to round it out to 4 miles. The treadmill said I burned 360 calories, but as I've said before, I am pretty sure that's a lie.

After that, I hopped on the Stairmaster for 20 minutes to finish up my hour at the gym. It said I burned almost 240 calories, but eh. I didn't use the rails (is that what they're called?) on either machine, and I entered my age/weight, which should have helped make the calorie count more accurate, but I'm sure they're still off by some amount. Just wish I knew how much. I looked at a couple different articles, and it seems like machines can overestimate anywhere between 12-42%, so that's... really unhelpful. Bluh.


I've been kind of idly considering cutting someone out of my life. I don't know if it would help anything, and maybe it wouldn't make a practical difference if I did or didn't do it. Lately it's been feeling like this person contributes nothing of value to my life, though. Anyway, I don't feel like they even care about me enough to notice whether or not I'm there, so it probably doesn't matter what I do. I should make more room in my life for people who actually value me.

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Not as short as I thought this would be [DP]
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
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Cheese and prunes
Monday, January 11, 2016
Gym time today: 5 hours.
Total this week: 6.5 hours.

Five hours in one day was maybe too much. I did bootcamp this morning, then walked two miles at a 4.5mph speed while my mom was in the locker room (she came with me to the gym and went to do a spin class while I was doing bootcamp). Had a break after that, during which I ate a very early lunch (around 10 AM) and visited a hospice patient.


I've been making quesadillas with some stuff we got from Trader Joe's, and they are super extra delicious, but sadly I used up the tortillas today, so no more quesadillas until we go grocery shopping again. :(
-Chile onion tortillas (My mom thinks these are too spicy, but I think they're great)
-Shredded cheese
-Roasted corn (It comes frozen in bags at Trader Joe's, so I just microwave a handful to put in my quesadilla)


My hospice visit was kind of sad today... I mean, my patient was fine, but her roommate kept saying to me, "Please, please help me go bathroom," and I couldn't, because I'm not staff or a medical professional. I tried twice to ask different staff members if they would come help her, but they both said they would "get someone" and then nobody came for at least ten minutes. The poor old lady said "Please, I don't want to wet the bed," and I just felt terrible for her. Eventually she just tried to get up on her own, and she asked me to help her. She couldn't really walk by herself with ease, but I pushed her walker closer to her, at least. I kept apologizing to her and looking for someone else I could ask to help, but there were no staff around. I'm never going to put my parents in a nursing home if I can help it... The loss of dignity is just horrendous, and the staff were so nonchalant about it all. I guess they probably have to be, to work in that environment, but just... ugh.

Around 5 pm, I went back to the gym for Pilates, CSI, and Total Dance. Pilates was fine, although my lower back felt a little stiff initially. The normal instructor for CSI, and the sub had a way more intense class planned for us, so that was... tough. I was a lot more tired than I expected. I thought I'd only have one intense class (bootcamp) to deal with, and CSI would only be kind of mildly intense as usual, so it wouldn't matter. Welp, so much for that. The dance class also had a sub, and the sub was the Zumba teacher, so... I ended up "doing" Zumba. By which I mean, I followed along as best I could, but there were times I was just staring at the instructor, dumbfounded, unable to conceive of how she was moving her hips like that. I literally have no idea how I would even do some of those things with my body.

My friend joined me for the Zumba class, and she said that she wished there were more skinny instructors, because then maybe we'd have a better model of how our bodies are supposed to move. A fair number of the instructors whose classes I regularly attend are kind of on the thicker side. They're definitely fit, it's just that their body types are... heavier. So when they like, shake their butts and stuff, it's kind of hard to tell how to mimic the movement sometimes because I have no idea what that would look like for my body.

Hadn't seen my gym buddy in awhile, so we chatted after class until the gym closed! It was nice. We're going to another class together tomorrow, and depending on how I feel, maybe I'll try to run a mile and a half or something before class? I dunno. I'm hoping I don't wake up really sore.

I didn't even get to eat dinner until after 10 pm, so I went close to twelve hours between meals today. Probably why I was so hungry when I got home... I had a much bigger portion of spaghetti than I would normally eat, and even then I wasn't full, so I ended up snacking on some cheese and prunes (hence the otherwise irrelevant title of this entry). Thankfully that satisfied me.

Oof. It's been a long day. I should sleep...

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