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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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And if I had a star to wish on...
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
More headaches today... I don't know why. Only during the first half of the day, at least...

Last night was really rough. I was lying in bed for over two hours trying to fall asleep and was overwhelmed by bad thoughts. Finally managed to fall asleep after I put my white noise app on. Apparently I've played one of the sounds for the equivalent of 51 days... Makes sense, it's a nice soft sound. Before that, I had on "Stranger" by Dentist, which I think might have been a bad choice. I don't know if it necessarily contributed to how horrible I was feeling, but it definitely didn't help anything. Being unable to sleep is bad enough by itself, but the thoughts I was having made it a rather hellish few hours.

Still... I got through babysitting today, and made it to Cycle class this evening. I napped instead of going to Bootcamp though... I think I tend to go between monophasic and biphasic sleep schedules, and lately it's been more on the biphasic side. Definitely biphasic during school, when I often do 4-6 hours a night and then take a nap during the day. I'm probably not doing it exactly right, though. Recommended nap time is around 90 minutes and I go between an hour to like... two hours or more. >.> Ah well... hopefully it's not killing me.

I've been listening to "Coin-Operated Boy" by The Dresden Dolls a lot today. I realized I have the edited version in iTunes, and I wasn't really familiar with the full version... This was the first time I'd seen the music video, as well, although I remember hearing the (edited, I think) version for awhile on the radio in high school. I didn't think much of the theme then, but I relate to it more now.

Made of plastic and elastic
He is rugged and long-lasting
Who could ever ever ask for more?
Love without complications galore
Many shapes and weights to choose from
I will never leave my bedroom
I will never cry at night again
Wrap my arms around him and pretend...

Coin operated boy
All the other real ones that I destroy
Cannot hold a candle to my new boy and I'll
Never let him go and I'll never be alone

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My head hurts :(
Monday, April 11, 2016
Well, I just bought a light box. There was a 15% off coupon that ended today, and I figured this was probably the best price I was going to get, so I went for it.

I went to Mat Pilates today, and got through it alright, although I had kind of a headache behind my right eye for part of it. I thought that maybe the headache was from not eating enough or something (I felt really tired today and mostly stayed in bed until 3, but I ate a Clif bar and a protein Larabar before going to the gym...), but it came back later in the evening. Actually, it's here right now. I'm keeping my right eye closed because it makes it hurt less, but my depth perception is all messed up right now because of it. Man, I wonder how people with only one eye manage. I guess they probably get used to it, but it's really disorienting. My screen feels like it's so far away.

This is so cute I almost wanna cry watching it.
View post on imgur.com

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It never really ends
Sunday, April 10, 2016
I'm thinking about getting a natural spectrum lamp for when I move. I haven't tried light therapy before, but the lamp I'm looking at isn't expensive (at least, not at the current sale price), and I'd rather err on the side of caution and wind up with something that doesn't help than not try it at all.

I haven't been thinking too much about leaving, at least, not actively... It's kind of in the back of my mind, I guess. I'll need to do more in the coming months to make sure I have support in place for when I go there. When I get there I'll probably check out the counseling services as a precautionary measure. It would be better to already be seeing someone if anything bad happens.

We had one bizarrely hot day in the high 80s/low 90s here, and it's been rainy and overcast since then. Feels like depression is setting in. I went to the gym today hoping to keep it at bay, but I'm not fully recovered from being sick and had kind of a bad time on the treadmill. I set my target distance at 5k and managed to run about a mile at an 8:34 pace, but my airways got kind of umm... clogged up, and it was very hard to breathe. I tried to clear my throat with no success, but pushed through and finished the one mile, then walked the rest while watching SciShow videos. Also did a tiny bit of upper body stuff on the weight machines, then hopped on the Stairmaster for awhile... I couldn't finish the workout I set it for, though. :\

I told my therapist that I knew I'd always have depression. Not in the sense that it's always active, but it's always going to be in the background, hanging around for the right conditions. I've been doing better these past few years than I was before, but I'm not naive enough to think I could ever be cured of it. I expect to have it for the rest of my life. Just seems like a fact to me. The choice, then, is to try to manage it as best I can, or not try. But I can't give up. I have to be ever vigilant... And it's tiring, but it's better than being lulled into some false sense of security and being taken by surprise when the next mood hits.

And some people, they don't understand at all what it's like. They don't understand the habits and structures I've built in my life to keep this under control. And it's frustrating because it limits things. No, I don't want to hear your argument about why nothing is wrong with suicide, because it may be abstract to you, but that's real to me. You don't understand how dangerous this topic is. Feels like I've built a wall to try to keep a flood out and people are trying to remove the bricks...

Anyway... nothing really prompted this. I didn't intend to rant at all when I started this entry. Just have been feeling kind of down and tired and it's difficult. I've been sick for weeks. I don't want to be sick anymore.

"Made of Stone" by The Stone Roses.

When the streets are cold and lonely
And the cars, they burn below me
Are you all alone?
Are you made of stone?

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Some writing, some songs [2P]
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Holi [2P]
Monday, April 4, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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The fascinating world of bowling
Friday, April 1, 2016
So today I found out that bowling is actually a very intricate and interesting sport, and that it's very complicated and difficult to bowl at a professional level.

This extremely long comment thread explains some of the factors involved in bowling... Not that I expect anyone to read all of it, but I've spent like the last hour watching bowling videos and reading these comments, and wow, my perspective on bowling has really changed.

Also, for reasons I can't explain, the faces of the helicoprions in this picture are hilarious to me: CLICK

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A little longer today
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 4.5 hours.

I went to a couple classes with my new gym friend today, and learned some stuff about her. She's kind of new to working out, so she was super sore after the first class we did... But hopefully she'll get the hang of it soon enough. I told her I was really sore in the beginning too, but eating more (and more protein specifically) was helpful for me. I hope I'm not sore tomorrow...

Feels like I'm getting sick again... I'm just barely over the last one, so this sucks.

Babysat for seven hours today... It wasn't too bad, because the baby was in a good mood. She spent a good few minutes petting the cats with her face today. She also parroted me a bit, so there was a brief period where I was just going "ha ha ha" and she was copying me. Apparently this was very funny, because she giggled for real in between the "ha"s. Those were the funniest ones, I guess. She didn't laugh as much at "hee hee hee" and didn't laugh at all when I tried "ho ho ho."

I feel... very tired now. It's just a little past midnight, and I don't have to get up early for anything tomorrow, but I might just sleep now anyway.

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First and third
Monday, March 28, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 2 hours.

-Sigh- Such a meager hour count. I finally got back to some of my regular classes, though. I was too tired to go to Mat Pilates, so I took a nap instead, but I went to CSI and the dance class after it.

We got a new car today... It's electric, so it doesn't have a huge range, but it's more than enough for most of the driving my family does. Also, this means I can use the carpool lane when I'm by myself! So yay for that.

I had a long and complicated dream last night that I didn't bother to try recording because it was too detailed and difficult to describe... But there was one part in which I got a guy to agree to do something if I led him to gold, and I rode in a giant wheel over mountains of gold pieces in a cave while he sat on some kind of sled or wagon that was attached to my... vehicle... by a piece of wire. The wire came loose, though, and I escaped from him out into open woods. There was a ski path, but dirt instead of snow.

The wheel was kind of like this, except maybe eight feet in diameter, so I wasn't scrunched in:

There were numerous shifts in perspective during the dream... sometimes it was in first person, sometimes third... I don't know how normal that is for other people, but it happens a lot in my dreams, I guess. More like watching a movie half the time than being an active participant in something... Especially in the ones where there's some element of body horror. But... I guess those are kind of simultaneously first and third person... It's hard to explain, because obviously you never experience both perspectives in real life, but yeah...

Here's another song my friend shared with me... It's very ambient, atmospheric... Like being in a trance... But something about it makes me think of seeing someone far away, whom I'm sure I've never met before, but who seems familiar in a way I can't place. It also reminds me of the darkness and solitude of the deep sea.

"Stranger" by Dentist.

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