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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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No classes today...
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Gym time today: 40 minutes...?

I think I walked ~2 miles today pushing the baby to the library in the stroller, but I went to the gym to run on the treadmill later. Ran 1.5 miles (8:27 minute mile pace, lvl 1.5 incline), walked 1 mile (3mph, incline between 3 and 10), and ran another 0.5 miles (8:00 minute mile pace, lvl 1.5 incline), then walked for... I dunno, like another quarter of a mile, until the calorie counter said I'd burned 300. Running seems to go by faster when I listen to certain songs, so maybe that's the trick...

Babysitting today was longer than I expected, because I forgot I agreed to babysit for six hours instead of the normal 3.5. It was fine, though, and I had fun with the baby. We were very silly today, and laughed a lot. I tried to record a little video of some of it, for muh memories, but apparently that made everything I did 50% less funny to the baby.

Hrmmm, I guess not too much else happened today. Oh, an envelope I put out to be mailed FINALLY got picked up by the mailman. My dad said he thinks we have a new guy who's kind of clueless, because I put the envelope out LAST WEEK and it didn't get picked up until today... Hopefully this new dude has figured things out. -__-

I think I'm having allergy issues right now. I've been sniffling and sneezing since I finished running. I don't know what I might be reacting to, though... or why it would only act up after running. :S I took a Zyrtec though, so I'm really hoping that will help. Gonna be very hard to sleep otherwise.

This song was free on Google Play and I've been listening to it a bit. The chorus sounds... sort of generic I guess, but I like the rest. The music video is silly.

"A Love Song" by Ladyhawke.

It all began innocent as love can be
In every word, you gave it all to me
'Cause this is what a love song sounds like

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Today was generally nice
Monday, July 18, 2016
Gym time today: 3 hours.

Mat Pilates, Cycle Fusion, and CSI today. Made it through all three okay, but was getting pretty hungry towards the end. Working out bumped my mood up noticeably. I wonder if I got the weekend blahs from not going to the gym... -__-

I made nutloaf again today. So good. @_@ Took me the whole two hours between my hospice visit earlier today and the time I went to the gym, though. I'm not sure which part of it is so time-consuming. Maybe skinning the almonds? You're supposed to blanch them to make skinning easier, but some of mine were a bit stubborn and I had to put more hot water on them before their skins would loosen. I also had to make a second pot of rice, because I was making two batches and forgot I'd need extra rice. >_>

Cooking was nice, though. I put on my music, and my parents were off doing their own thing, so I got to hop around the kitchen to "Night Fever" by the Bee Gees, among other songs...

I've been enjoying cooking more, lately. I also finally sewed some buttons onto my jackets last night, and took a walk outside. On my walk, I saw a torn flyer advertising an unnamed personal trainer who described themselves as the "BEST TRAINER ALIVE." I imagined this anonymous person killing other personal trainers in some kind of Highlander-esque ascension to the top. I haven't actually seen that movie, but my imagination did its best. On the rest of my walk I thought about high school and how I felt back then. I also thought about how I was wandering around in the dark by myself, and how I probably wouldn't have a very good chance of defending myself if someone jumped out of the bushes and accosted me. Luckily that didn't happen.

On Saturday I had writing group in the morning, though I couldn't stay long because of the talk I was going to afterwards. I read one of the little pieces I'd written for the "write every day" prompt though. It was received well. I was so sleep deprived that I could barely understand the words well enough to read them out, though. I'm surprised I stumbled through it as coherently as I did.

It's crazy to think my trip south is next weekend... I still need to get some plans down with people I want to visit... Some of them are sort of hard to get a hold of, so that's been an obstacle to scheduling stuff. I keep alternating between feeling excited and feeling nervous. >_>

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Late night (sad?) thoughts
Sunday, July 17, 2016
"A bright day annoys the depressive. He, who has no abundance in himself, cannot see the beauty surrounding him. In our emotions, we experience the varying tensions between the actuality of the moment and the potentialities of our existence."

"In depressive delusion, history is experienced in its absolute irrevocability, the past as unpardonable guilt, the future as inevitable catastrophe, and the present as irreparable ruin."

Excerpts from Phenomenological Psychology by Erwin Walter Straus, I believe. My computer broke, so I'm using the old computer in the front room. It has a lot of my old documents and files on it, and the articles from my Humanistic Psychology class in 2011 are here, so I was looking through them. I wish I could read the full book, but it's $99 on Amazon...

Yesterday I went to a talk given by Drs. Paul and Eve Ekman about emotional awareness. None of it was really new to me, but I went with my friends, and I appreciated being able to spend time with them. We went to a really cool park afterwards, which I would post pictures of if my computer weren't broken. Becka and Joel talked a bit about some things they want to do when they start their family soon. They're so lucky to be in a position where they can do that... Fro and Mike talked a bit about having kids too, but they don't know if they'd be able to afford more than one. We discussed the pros and cons of having only children, and what our own sibling experiences had been like. My brother and I have some... problems... but it was nice to have a playmate as a child.

I tried to fix my sleep schedule last night, but I don't think it worked. I was still tired during the day even though I went to bed at around midnight and got up around 9.

Now I feel sort of strange-- quiet, contemplative, solemn. Listening to "Someone Great" by LCD Soundsystem and thinking about the past.

I wish that we could talk about it
But there, that's the problem
With someone new I couldn't start it
Too late for beginnings

The worst is all the lovely weather
I'm stunned, it's not raining
The coffee isn't even bitter
Because, what's the difference?

Sometimes when something happens to you, it seems almost unbelievable that everything else goes on as normal. The shifting of your personal world goes unacknowledged, and it forces you to face that uncomfortable fact it's so convenient to forget from day to day-- that outside of a small circle, you really don't matter, and life will move on without you if you don't keep up. I've never found any particular resolution in regards to this thought-- just accepted it and resolved to push forward so I don't fall behind. There is a sort of Romantic allure to breaking down and giving up, but I know no good would come of it. Outside of fiction, people who don't move on with their lives are just sort of sad and lonely and unfortunate to behold.

I don't feel on the edge of a breakdown or anything, just as a disclaimer. I guess I'm just thinking about this because of the song.

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Free stuff~
Friday, July 15, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.

I signed up for Insanity today, but ended up sleeping in instead of going. Sooo when I did go to the gym, I just had to do my own thing. My gym was having some kind of mixer event today, so they gave me a goodie bag when I checked in. That was neat. I ran a mile (lvl 1.5 incline, 8:20 minute pace), walked a mile while holding 3 lb weights (did a little bicep/tricep stuff), and then ran 0.8 miles (lvl 2 incline, 8:20 minute pace). I proooooobably could have run a full second mile, but I wasn't feeling motivated anymore because the song I really liked ended. >.> After that, I did a tiny bit of stuff on the weight machines. I also stopped to look at some papers on the counter when I was on my way out, and a lady at the desk offered me a free facial since nobody had taken the time slot and they were doing free demos! That was pretty cool. She put a bunch of products on my face and rubbed them in and then washed them off and talked to me about what they were all doing. I remember almost none of it now, but my face felt very nice afterwards.

Started this entry like seven hours ago, and now I can't remember if I was going to write anything else. Whoops. I'll just end it here.

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Getting back into the swing of things...
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.

I went to Mat Pilates and Turbo Kick today. I haven't done Turbo Kick in a month... it was so much fun, though. I think the first fifteen minutes of it were some of the most enjoyable parts of my day. Maybe I just like bouncing around in a room with loud, fast-paced music, haha.

"Loser Like Me" by Sixpence None the Richer.

The lyrics in this video are not totally accurate, but I think it's pretty self-evident what they actually are from listening.

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Spaghetti and kofta
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Gym time today: 30 minutes?

I went to the gym just to run a bit on the treadmill. Maybe needed to eat more beforehand, though... I ran 0.75 miles at lvl 2 incline (8:00 minute mile pace), walked half a mile, then ran another 0.75 miles at lvl 1 incline (8:27 minute mile pace). Felt really lame to have to decrease the difficulty, but oh well. I guess I teeeeeechnically ran more than I normally would recently, but I didn't like not being able to do a full mile in one go.

So I saw this cool bus today:

I also made spaghetti and kofta using another recipe from that Hare Krishna site.

It came out okay, but I'm going to adjust the spices if I make it again.

-Subbed shredded carrot for half the cabbage
-Added half a teaspoon garlic powder
-Baked the kofta balls instead of deep frying them
-Rolled them in garbanzo bean flour after shaping them, then let them sit in the fridge on a baking sheet for ~40 minutes while I went to the gym, before baking them
-Added pepper medley
-Added a bit of water because the mixture was too dry to stick together at first

Future edits:
-Decrease salt by half
-Decrease hing and garam masala (by half?)
-Try adding basil or oregano (or other Italian spices?)

My parents thought the kofta were a bit overspiced, but I just followed the recipe, so I think that whoever wrote these recipes likes really strongly flavored food... Was easy enough to make, though, and I think it's worth doing again.


Earlier today, I was driving in the car, blasting my music, and "Dead Format" by Blanck Mass and "Huggin & Kissin" by Big Black Delta came on in succession and it felt really good. Something about being surrounded by those songs always gives me this feeling of like... deep ecstasy? The effect seems most potent when I'm driving, as if the sound penetrates my skin and fills me with some kind of warm, expansive light.

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Tuesday, July 12, 2016
I know I posted this song before, but it fits my mood tonight.

"Touch You Gently" by Art Department.

It's not the lyrics at all... just the sound of the music...

Sort of a strange, softly melancholy feeling that makes me want to be alone somewhere. Also a sort of painful tension in my chest. I kind of want to burrow a thousand feet underground and just sleep in the darkness and silence.

I remembered some things today that I didn't want to think about, so maybe that's part of it.

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Nutloaf and shoes
Monday, July 11, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.

I tried a new class called Abs and Assets today. It would have been super easy, but I got really exhausted, very possibly from not having eaten enough in the past few days. >_> I decided to skip Mat Pilates because I was tired and felt like I should eat something. A little bummed that I felt so weak, but hopefully things will be better once I'm eating more consistently.

In the beginning of the class I wanted to laugh, because the music was so mellow and it reminded me of this:

"Numbers" by New Look.

So... today... hmm. I made nutloaf, finally. It came out really good!

I got the recipe from a Hare Krishna site, but modified it to suit my tastes/what we had in the cupboards. I need to write it down in my recipe notebook, but the edits I made are as follows:
-Used cashews in place of walnuts (my brother is allergic)
-Swapped green pepper with shredded carrots
-Used sharp cheddar instead of Monterey jack
-Added ~1/2 Tbsp garlic powder
-Substituted rosemary for sage (we didn't have any sage)
-Used slightly less salt than the recipe called for (but still could have used less; it wasn't overpowering though)
-Skipped hing (didn't have any, but maybe next time I'll get some)
-Used peppercorn medley instead of just black pepper
-Used Trader Joe's Arrabiata sauce instead of making tomato sauce

(Mostly) unmixed ingredients in the bowl.

Finished product!

I noticed that when I took my first serving, it didn't really hold together, but it seemed to retain its shape better later when it had cooled more, so maybe letting it sit for 20-30 minutes would be better? Doesn't really matter as far as taste is concerned, though. My parents both liked it, so I might make it again at some point. It was super easy to make, just took awhile to bake (about an hour).

Yesterday when we went grocery shopping, there was this cart full of water bottles in Smart & Final. It looked like an art installation.

Oh, and a nice surprise for today: I found out Simple is back! They even have the shoes I used to wear in high school! Although not everything is the same... No recycled tire soles on these new ones. Still, it's cool that they're back, and maybe they'll bring back some of the old styles I loved. The Simple messenger bag I bought in high school is still intact (though badly frayed), and that was... over seven years ago, now. Six years of almost daily use, too! I'd love it if they brought the bags back... They had some really great ones. Although, I mean, I already bought a new school bag from Timbuk2, so I don't need to buy another one (my old Simple bag is usable, but I wanted something more waterproof). Ah well.

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