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Saturday. 8.23.14 1:22 pm
There's no need for a password anymore on any of these because no one except you guys reads them. It's funny how it works; you tell someone about this blog you write and how it pretty much allows them to dive in to what you're really thinking. They get excited and interested in it and follow it for a little bit, but then life takes back over and they eventually forget that you even have a blog, let alone where to find it.

I had my MRI this morning. It was the first time I've ever had one. The noise was ridiculously, obnoxiously loud and the radiology tech explained that there's quieter ones, but they would take twice to three times as long in order to scan whatever needs to be scanned. I'd rather just deal with the noise. I kept my eyes closed the whole time so I couldn't see how closed in I actually was. It's not like I'm claustrophobic, but being inside a tube isn't exactly comforting. The hardest part was not being able to move. Or the fear that I'd have an itch on my face, or really anywhere for that matter, since you had to lay as still as possible. Especially with a brain scan, any little movement is picked up on the scan and it may make it harder for the radiologist to read it properly.

The order was for a scan without contrast, so I didn't have to worry about getting an IV. The tech said that the radiologist would glance over the scans to see if anything popped out that would be medically necessary to redo the scan, but with contrast and he didn't see anything so I suppose that's a positive thing. It just means that there might not actually be an answer for the random stupid headaches I got. Right now the minor pulsating feeling in my head is from being dehydrated.

Jonathan was nice enough to get up early and come with me so that I wouldn't be alone. I would have gone regardless if anyone was with me, but it made me feel more comfortable being inside the machine knowing that someone who cares about me was in the waiting area. I think I would have been quite a bit more nervous if I had gone in on my own.

After the scan we stopped at this greasy diner thing in a not great part of Seattle and got breakfast. I felt sick to my stomach the moment I took the first bite, but I ate half of my meal just so that there would some kind of sustenance in my system. I'm half tempted to force myself to puke just so that my stomach will feel better.

Once breakfast was done, we went back to his place and he messed around on the piano while I listened. He kind of showed me some of the process that's involved when composing a new song and I felt honored to have been allowed to witness that. I didn't want it to stop, but of course all good things come to an end. And he had plans anyway so I had to go.

This is the first time since we've met that we didn't have any plans to look forward to. I have absolutely no idea when I'm going to see him again and I absolutely hate it. I sincerely hate that I don't know when I'm going to see him again. Hell, for all I know, it could be two weeks from now. A month from now. I know he wants to do something with me for my birthday, but who knows if I actually see him between now and then. It scares me a little, but I know it's necessary.

Being in his place today felt oddly like the first time I was in his apartment. We were kind of in the same position: he was sitting at his piano and I was standing behind him leaning on the chair. I couldn't touch him, despite the fact that every fiber of my being wanted to reach out and stroke his cheek, kiss his neck or mess with his hair. The difference with this time? I know how all of that feels. And it makes me quite sad, rather than excited. My heart beats quicker out of nerves and anxiousness instead of curiosity and excitement.

Perhaps not knowing when I'll see him again is for the best. I resent the fact that the tears form just thinking about that, but I'm not sure how much exposure I can handle without being able to touch him before I lose my mind and break something out of frustration. He says it may eventually get to a point where we can be comfortable with that again, but I might lose consciousness if I held my breath waiting for that to happen.

Despite all of this ... despite all of the emotional ups and downs, I thoroughly enjoy spending time with him and can't see us being apart for long. We talk through things together and kind of have each other to fall back on for the tough times and fun ones.

One day at a time ... I hate not knowing what the future will bring.

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Nope, I was right all along
Friday. 8.22.14 7:40 am
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Back to ... normal? {ask}
Thursday. 8.21.14 10:27 am
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Thoughts askew {ask}
Tuesday. 8.19.14 6:35 am
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Deep breath in, slowly exhale
Monday. 8.18.14 7:39 pm
After the last two days of panicked, irrational thoughts, I really need to refocus on what's right in front of my face. I need to take a few steps back and realize that this is happening for a reason and that it'll work itself out.

Perhaps it's time I look in to seeing a therapist again.

I rescheduled my MRI for Saturday morning. 8:30am was the only time they had available. Looks like I'll be driving myself, though. Which is fine. I'm sure I'll be fine. If I keep telling myself that, it'll actually happen, right?

I'm waiting on a confirmation for an eye exam two weeks from Wednesday. It's been nearly 4 years since my last exam and that could be contributing to my headaches. The stress certainly isn't helping, but the fact that I need a new prescription definitely might have something to do with it.

It's times like these that I wonder how/why my family and friends put up with me.

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Change is coming
Sunday. 8.17.14 8:15 pm
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