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The weather
A constant state of being.
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
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Steps in the forward motion
Sunday. 8.31.14 6:30 pm
So over the last couple weeks or so, I've not been listening to any music in my car. Every few days I'd turn the radio on, flip through the programmed channels and give up, turning it back off again for a few more days until I repeated the same process. I do this when I'm upset/angry/distraught/generally unsatisfied with how my life situation is going. I'd rather drive around in silence, listening to the sounds of the car and the world around me than have some stupid song with stupid lyrics get stuck in my head for days.

A few days ago, I decided to try this process again and ended up leaving the radio on. Which is, to me, a sign that I'm beginning to move forward. I turned it off again this morning, but I'll most likely turn it back on again tomorrow morning. We'll see how I feel.

I have two more days of work to get through this week before my extended weekend. I have my eye appointment Wednesday afternoon and tentative plans for Saturday, but otherwise, nothing. I'm not even really counting the plans for Saturday because I know that if I look forward to them, I'll just end up getting disappointed if they fall through or don't live up to the hype I might assign them. So instead, I'm just going with the definitive plan: the eye doc. The rest of the days, I have no expectations. I just know that I'll be happy simply because I won't have to go to work.

Today was perfect on the weather front. It could have stayed cooler all day, but getting to a high of 70 is just about as perfect as you can get. Especially with it being overcast most of the day. It was the first day in forever that I'd woken to rain so that set me up to be in a good mood ... until I got to work and that fucked everything up. I just hate being there, but nothing seems to be giving. I just don't understand. But, I'm not going to get in to that right now because I'm just happy that the weather was nice today.

I'm not sure what it's supposed to be tomorrow, but I'm really hoping for the same as it was today.

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Friday. 8.29.14 10:02 am
Last night's plans didn't happen. I ended up just staying home and getting drunk alone. I needed to feel numb after the last couple weeks of not knowing which way was up or down. Getting to the point at which I drank probably wasn't necessary, but it happened anyway. I'm paying for it this morning. My stomach hates me again.

I'm very quickly coming to the realization that just because I say I'm ready for something to happen, doesn't actually mean I am. And when it involves two people, the other person has to be ready as well. Which also means that it could take a lot longer than it takes just one of us. I hate knowing that this is the reality of how things are, but I just have to accept what I'm being given and go with it. Asking for more could result in consequences that I may not be okay with. But assuming less will just put me back in a miserable place. The key to this is finding balance. Something you'd think, being a Libra, I'd be better at doing.

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Grinding gears
Wednesday. 8.27.14 10:47 pm
I'm fairly certain that, hypothetically speaking, if I were driving a manual transmission in this emotional reversal, I'd have blown a clutch by now. Or 6. Ugh! Why the fuck do hormones have to play such a huge part in the way we think? My brain is agreeing with all of the logical opinions and choices and decisions being made and pointed out and my heart is standing in the middle of the room, with its arms crossed stomping its feet. My brain tells my heart to shut up and get over it and the heart responds by sticking its tongue out, crossing its arms even harder and closing its eyes, as if that alone will make it all go away. Will they ever be in agreement? Hahaha, fuck no. The heart never learns and the brain only gives in to the heart when there's a chemical imbalance. Which, for me, happens to be pretty much all the time.

Yay for being fucked up!

Tomorrow is my Friday. Finally. I'm going out with the girls after work. None of us have to be anywhere Friday morning so there's a definite possibility that it could be a late night. We're getting together early so we may all just be old women and be home and in bed by midnight. Who knows. Anything is possible at this point. I'm pretty excited, despite being an emotional wreck off an on throughout the day. It'll be the last time I get together with one of them before she goes off on an internship in New Zealand for 6 months. There's also a very strong probability of drunk texts being sent. I'll try to avoid drunk calls.

I like blogging every day. It allows me to get out things at the end of the day. Or the beginning. Doing this at the end of the day kind of lets things play out in their entirety so that it's slightly more cohesive. Rather than writing about a panic attack as it's happening, I can recap it and type out the outcome as well.

Now I'm just rambling. There probably won't be one tomorrow ... since I'm going to be out til who knows when. So, until Friday. . .

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Shake it off
Tuesday. 8.26.14 10:42 pm
There's just something about a catchy tune that makes playing it over and over again somehow worth it. I will openly admit, right here, that I can't stop listening to Taylor Swift's new song Shake It Off. The video is rather entertaining as well. It's kind of awesome that she can poke fun at herself. I've never been one to listen to her music. I honestly can't think of any songs of hers that I've ever listened to, but this one sticks with me. Weird ...

It appears that I've already started writing every day, but if I miss a day or two between now and next Monday, then I'm still golden. I will begin the daily blog challenge again on Sept. 1st. We'll make it until the end of the year. Just for the sake of keeping it slightly different than the last. And because I can make up my own rules for this dammit.

After not getting hardly any sleep last night I'm hoping tonight I'm tired enough to just knock out for a solid 4-5 hours, with no interruptions. This is all based on whether there will be more cops outside ... or drunk parties or whatever. No more loudness outside. City sounds I can sleep through no problem. I have planes, trains, cars, buses, ferries, all within sounding range and I've acclimated. But something that's out of the ordinary wakes me up ... like a cop with a megaphone trying to get someone to come out of their apartment/home so that they could speak to them. "You're not in any kind of trouble, we just want to talk to you. There's people out there that care about you. Please come out of your room and downstairs so that we can talk." I have no idea what transpired with that, since I was finally able to doze off again for a couple hours, but I'm hoping the fire truck that was parked outside when my alarm went off had nothing to do with it.

Alright, I am gonna listen to the damn song one more time before I call it a night. The fan has aided in my hair drying quicker than normal. As much as I like my giant, high velocity tower fan, I'm looking so, so forward to when I don't need it and all I have to do is keep the windows open. Nature's air conditioning. Never fully appreciated until I moved here.

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Monday. 8.25.14 5:38 pm
Well that was a huge mistake. I definitely should have eaten something much lighter as a way to break the 48+ hour fast that I did. Instead, I ate left over breakfast burrito tortilla. Huge mistake. My stomach absolutely hates me right now. It's punishing me; I'd much rather it be coming up than going down. Ugh.

So I left my house yesterday, rather reluctantly, to go buy new windshield wiper blades for my vehicle. It's something I've been needing to do for months now and I finally chose the first day of a long streak of hot, dry, sunny days to do so. I looked it up on a map to see how to get where I needed to go ... and completely missed a turn somewhere along the way because I ended up way farther away from where I wanted to be. I have no idea how I found Discovery Park, but it was about 10 minutes in the wrong direction. Kind of funny how I got lost and discovered Discovery Park just by accident. I pulled in to the closest visitor lot, pulled up Google Maps and found out how to get back to where I needed to go. I realized that I had gone left instead of right.

Eventually I got back to where I needed to be, bought what I needed to buy and came back home. I put up on Facebook that I was unsure of how I got there, because putting down 'lost' seemed too obvious, and it apparently prompted some concern among my close friends. I got messages shortly after getting back home. And I talked to both of them until shortly before bed.

I had this whole plan of doing some productive stuff today when I got off work, but that all became a moot point the minute I changed in to pajamas. Once I'm home and the uniform comes off, it's like I'm taking off the motivation to do anything productive. Like, just going out yesterday evening was a struggle that I fought with for hours before it actually happened. If it was dark outside, or at least not sunny, then I'd be more inclined to leave the hole I live in. But so long as the sun shines bright and hot on my curtains, the inclination to leave stays hidden.

Tomorrow and Wednesday I have both my jobs so I have no choice but to leave the hole when I'm very against it. I'm still not exactly in a very sociable mood, but this isn't really being social is it? It's work. It's a paycheck. It's also probably the last week I work 3 days at Sam's. Next week I have my suddenly unplanned 5 day weekend and after that I've requested every Saturday off from Sam's for the entire rest of the month of September, which leads in to my last day being the 1st of October. It's kinda crazy that I'll be going back to having a regular every-other-week income. I'll have to be careful about budgeting, but I think, at this point, I can manage just fine. We'll see how it goes.

Other than my stomach hating that I've reintroduced food to it, I'm feeling slightly, and I emphasize slightly, better than I did yesterday. Mentally, at least. I guess even a tiny improvement is still that. Physically, I kind of want to deprive myself of food again. I should probably go grocery shopping at some point. I'm not sure what time I'm meeting up with my friends on Thursday, but perhaps I'll have enough time between work and then to snag some food for the weekend. I'm used to going the week without much in the way of sustenance.

The best way to describe my mental status, the way in which I am having to change gears, is that I'm trying to go in reverse up a hill. Not just any hill, mind you, but one that you'd find in San Francisco or Downtown Seattle. A big fuck off hill that everyone hates going up. And I'm trying to do so backwards.

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Open, stare, close. Repeat. {Edit}
Sunday. 8.24.14 4:25 pm
Today is the first day that I'm aiming to really try to avoid communication. I don't want to fail and cave and be the first one to message him, like I have every other single day this week. I want him to want to talk to me and the only way to do that is to not force it. I also want to give him the space he wants and the way to do that is by avoiding initiating conversation.

There's been a couple times that I've wanted to throw my phone across the room, but then I just do the same thing over and over again. I'm going to kill my phone battery just by continually opening opening the same app, but never doing anything else with it.

I hate that this is part of it. Why can't I just be like him and be okay with this? Where the fuck is the magical button that allows your emotions to just turn off on a dime like that? Not that he's okay, but he's certainly better off than I am.

I haven't eaten in over 24 hours and my stomach hasn't even growled once. I threw up something green this morning. No idea what that could have been since there hasn't been anything ingested since yesterday around 11. And there wasn't anything green involved in the meal. I've reached the point in this 'fast' where even just the idea of food makes me nauseated so who knows when I'll finally give in and eat something. All of the people who were around me to make sure I ate on a regular basis are no longer around me so it's easier to get away with this.

I'm sure eventually, maybe in another day or so, I'll eat. Or I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and pay for it later.

I can't seem to cry anymore. I've tried. At this point I'm just numb.

Apparently my tear ducts haven't completely dried up yet. Joy.

I've found something that I can watch over and over again and it reminds me exactly why I'm in the place I'm in. It reminds me why we can't be a couple right now and why things are going to be okay. It brings me hope for the future, in the oddest of ways.

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