A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence
"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"
"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation
"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes
"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
~ William Blake
Think about it
Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics
Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Eat That Toast!
Ectopiary (Some nudity)
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
Hark! A Vagrant
Head Doctor Productions
The Intrepid Girlbot
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius
Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
The Moon Prince
Moth (Some nudity)
The Non-Adventures of Wonderella
Political Cartoonists Index
Poorly Drawn Lines
The Property of Hate
Robbie and Bobby
Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
Scenes from a Multiverse
The Secret Knots
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Strong Female Protagonist
The Super Fogeys
Tales of Pylea
Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy
Yellow Peril (PG-13)
Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
Bag of Toast
Bear in Mind
The Book of Biff
Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED
Hello with Cheese
Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing
Meat and Plastic
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
Pictures for Sad Children
A Redtail's Dream
Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
Run Freak Run
The Super Gay Adventures of Ross Boston
YU + ME
Pure Flash Awesomeness
Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
Clients from Hell
Creatures in My Head
Damn You Auto Correct!
Jhonen Vasquez's site
Overheard in New York
Passive Aggressive Notes
Friday, March 18, 2016
Lately I haven't been remembering my dreams... It's kind of strange. I know with certainty that I have been dreaming, but I can't recall the plots or anything of the dreams. But... I think at least that I've been having nice dreams. I wish I could remember them. Today I woke up with some guitar tune in my head that was playing in the dream. I can't remember it now, but it seemed kind of like a jazzy, stylized "Girl from Ipanema" song. I have only faint impressions of what I've been dreaming about, but it feels like I've been having low key dreams about just hanging out with people and talking to them. I think it's people I don't really know, though...
Umm... my dad switched out the graphics card in my computer for a new one, and it seems to have fixed the constant crashing problems, so that's cool. I think the card my ex put in there was getting close to being ten years old (2007?), so it was time for an update anyway.
I had friends over today, so that was nice, if a bit tiring because I'm still sick. I spent a couple hours before they came over just cleaning up my room and the kitchen a bit. It's been awhile since the last time I cleaned my room... What with... stress and stuff... I hadn't gotten around to it. Mostly I just needed to put away clean laundry, throw some unneeded papers into the recycling, and vacuum, so nothing too complicated. I also dusted a bit and put some books away... I'm kind of running out of bookshelf space for everything, though. My dad gave away a big portion of his sci fi collection last year, and I didn't want to let some of the books go, so they live in my room now. Unfortunately, that means I don't have as much shelf space for my own collection of books, so... I should maybe get rid of some. A lot of my books have sentimental value attached to them, so it's hard to know what I'll be able to let go of without regretting it. I feel comforted by having them around.
Earlier today I was talking to Kyle, and he said he was considering quitting his job, and I semi-jokingly suggested that he should get a job near me when I go to grad school, so we can hang out while I'm there. He said that would be cool though, and I think it would be pretty interesting if it ended up working out.
I made mac and cheese today because we had some Gruyere we really needed to get rid of, and I used some smoked Gouda as well in it... Sadly my sense of taste has been severely dulled by being sick, so I could barely taste it. I honestly can barely see the point of eating when I can hardly taste anything. It's awful. I keep eating because it's so dissatisfying to not taste anything, but obviously that doesn't help... ugh...
Thursday, March 17, 2016
I'm still sick... Slowly getting better, but it's taking awhile... I don't think it's bronchitis, at least. I get tired so easily now. I hung out with Alex for a couple hours for our Terrible TV Thursday, but that was about all I could handle. It's difficult to talk for an extended period of time because the congestion seems to build, and then I can't breathe.
The latest episode of The Magicians got really dark... And then it cut off at this horrible huge cliffhanger moment. Gotta wait until next week to find out what happens... I wish I hadn't been totally exhausted while watching. It's strange; the show started off really dumb and cheesy, but it's been getting darker, I feel. It still has some super silly moments (like one of the characters responding to some creepy stuff in a haunted house by going "WE GET IT, THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED"), but yeah, it doesn't feel quite as cheesy as before. There was less to make fun of in this episode than usual, and mostly we were just going "wtfffffffffff"...
Um... so something good... This webcomic I used to really like, Blip, started updating again. It hasn't updated since 2012, and nobody knew what happened to the creator. There was some talk about some kind of accident, and people were speculating that the creator had died. The original site that hosted the comics went down, but people saved all of them, and someone set up a mirror. It's really amazing how loyal the fans were/are. Anyway, I kept the link to the site bookmarked, and was checking it every now and then for the past few years just to see if anything was happening, and both sites I had bookmarked (one on Rampage Network and another one) were gone. I knew there was a mirror, so I Googled for the comic, and found out from the Facebook that it was updating again. At this point I really thought the creator was just dead or something, so it was a huge surprise. I read through the whole archive today to catch up, and it's really cool that it's finally updating. Seems like the creator isn't going to say what happened, exactly, to cause the disappearance, but... well, at least he/she is back.
What are friends for?
Monday, March 14, 2016
[12:20:58 AM] Me: Ugh, this isn't the sickest I've ever been, but it still feels like crap
[12:21:26 AM] Noah: sorry mija
[12:21:40 AM] Noah: get well soon <3
[12:21:57 AM] Me: If I die, I'm going to request they use this for my funeral
[12:22:11 AM] Noah: dude
[12:22:12 AM] Noah: lol
[12:22:17 AM] Noah: damn thatss hilarious
[12:22:26 AM] Noah: the FUNeral
[12:22:34 AM] Me: I legit want one of those things
[12:22:43 AM] Me: Everything else will be 100% serious and then I'll have that.
[12:23:00 AM] Noah: lol now that's a funeral I would attend
[12:23:15 AM] Me: I'll make sure you're on the guest list.
[12:23:25 AM] Noah: thank u friend
[12:23:40 AM] Noah: I would crash it anyway
A bit down today, but this cheered me up a little, so I thought I'd post it.
I am still pretty sick and had to miss the gym again today. :\ On the bright side, Hatoful Boyfriend: Holiday Star is on sale on Steam, so I picked up the Dove Actually extended version of the game for only $7.49.
Feel like I should have played Portal for the context of this, but it was on Gifsound and I enjoyed it, so here:
Saturday, March 12, 2016
It seems like no matter how much sleep I get, I still feel tired.
I keep having dreams that it's raining and I'm driving somewhere, and I realize I'm alone in the car, and I'm going way too fast, but I can't control it. Maybe I've been having these dreams every time I sleep and just don't remember all of them, but that's why I wake up with anxiety.
Watched this on Future Shorts and thought it was sweet. It's a different side of old age than the one I see when I do my hospice visits.
I feel like I might be sick or something, because I've been feeling congested and mentally foggy for the past couple days. Kind of starting to get a headache now as well.
Good thing for today:
-I had a shift at the crisis line today, and one of the callers told me that he thought my voice was nice. He said it was very soothing, and that I sounded present and compassionate. The poor guy was going through an awful time, so I'm glad that the sound of my voice was apparently calming to him.
Almost had more excitement I didn't need
Friday, March 11, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 10 hours.
At work this morning, they put us on lockdown because the police were chasing a guy and he ran into the sanctuary at the church. This was the first year where I wasn't working in the sanctuary (the nursery is in the same building as it), so I didn't come directly into contact with him, but still, nobody was allowed to leave until they caught him. If this had happened last year, or if I hadn't been moved from the nursery to a different room, it's very likely I would have seen him... I used to push babies around in the stroller in the lobby between the nursery and the main sanctuary, so he would have run by me.
Anyway... nobody got hurt as far as I'm aware... I don't know much about what happened, though. My dad thinks he was unarmed, but there were apparently five police cars chasing him, so I wonder if he did something really bad.
Still having trouble eating normally today. I did have a relatively big lunch (though smaller than I normally would have) at Sweet Tomatoes with my dad, but that was the only real meal I ate today. I had a Clif bar before going to work, and a small amount of leftover spaghetti tonight, but not really enough to qualify as dinner. It was... maybe about a quarter of the amount I would typically eat.
Good things for today:
-I got admitted to grad school. Unfortunately I can't seem to be able to feel positive emotions at the moment, so I'm not really excited or happy about it. Kind of just like "oh, yeah, I guess I got in."
-They had grilled cheese focaccia dippers at Sweet Tomatoes, and they tasted good. I'm not sure what they put on them though-- something like buttered breadcrumbs, maybe.
It's really a struggle to think of good things when you can't feel happy.
I wish I could wake up without feeling panicky
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Gym time today: 3 hours.
Total this week: 9 hours.
I did go to the gym yesterday and Tuesday, but was too exhausted to say anything about it. I had a hard time getting through my classes today, too. My legs hurt a lot, and I didn't really have the mental clarity to follow along well in Turbo Kick. I'm not sure why, but I felt lightheaded at times and kind of dizzy, and wondered if I would pass out (I didn't).
I've had a lot of physical anxiety over the past few days, but I think depression is setting in now too. It's hard to tell how much the fatigue factors into that. Lack of appetite is probably exacerbating things, too. I was hoping that keeping up the exercise would help prevent depressive symptoms from cropping up, but I guess it's not enough.
My dad is encouraging me to try driving again, but I haven't been able to even get into a car without my heart rate going up a lot and my chest tightening. I technically can drive, but I just have to deal with difficulty breathing while I do, and I've only driven once since the accident (with my dad in the car).
Well... on the plus side... depression is overriding the anger. Maybe I should count that as a good thing.
I'm surprised to be alive right now
Monday, March 7, 2016
On my way back from the hospice today, I lost control of the car while going around a curve when I was exiting a highway to merge onto a different highway. I didn't even have time to register what was happening, but I heard myself screaming as the car rolled and the roof bounced off the pavement. It landed back on its tires, and I sat there and just stared out the windshield until I realized that some people had stopped and were calling out to me to ask if I was okay.
All the back windows had shattered, the windshield was covered in cracks, the headlights were coming out, and the front left tire had blown out. My mom thinks that it's possible that there was something wrong with that tire that made me lose control. I don't know.
One of the drivers who had stopped called 911 for me, and the paramedics came very quickly. The police showed up almost immediately after, and asked me what had happened. It was hard to talk to all the people asking me questions because I couldn't stop crying. I feel very numb now, but for some reason I keep crying on and off anyway.
This was the first accident I've ever been in. I thought that my first accident would be something small, like accidentally running into someone's back bumper, not something that totaled the car I was driving. Nobody else hit me, at least, and nobody else was hurt as far as I know, so that's good.
The airbags didn't deploy somehow, and I don't know if things would have gone better or worse if they had. I don't really feel much at all right now. Just tired, I guess. Very tired.
Good thing for today:
-I somehow didn't die. I still don't understand how, but I didn't. When I was sitting on the curb waiting for the paramedics to come, I wondered if I actually had died, and this was just my ghost imagining what would have happened if I'd survived.
I don't know if this is really a "good thing" exactly, but I felt very un-self-conscious about crying in public today. It seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do, considering all that happened. Normally I am extremely self-conscious about crying in front of anyone, even my therapist (I haven't cried in front of him about anything yet, actually), but it didn't seem to matter at all after the car crash, which was good, because I couldn't really stop myself from crying.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Gym time today: 2.5 hours.
Total this week: 2.5 hours.
Cycle and Bosu Blast today. Esther went with me again, and we ran a bit in the half hour break in between classes. I tried to run a mile at a 7:03 minute pace, level 1 incline, but only got about halfway through before deciding to take a break. Maybe I'll try again some other time when I haven't just taken an hour long cycle class right before.
I had a crisis line shift today, the first in a few weeks. It was pretty uneventful; mostly only regulars called, and I finished Fun Home. There was something comforting about being back in that little office though, just waiting for the phone to ring. I think I missed it more than I realized.
-Someone new messaged me on OKC, and we've been talking a little about games, which is nice. So far he seems like an interesting person, but we'll see how it goes. His profile says he's only looking for people to date...
-This made me smile. Life goals?
-I found this collection of parrot gifs on Imgur and am very pleased.
When I went with Esther to Santana Row on Saturday, we saw a few different parakeet-themed items in a Japanese stationery store there, and it made me want to have all the parakeet things. There's a parakeet-shaped void in my life that I sadly cannot fill because of grad school plans.
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