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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Close to departing
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Well, it's my last night here for awhile. I kind of just shoved a bunch of stuff into my luggage haphazardly, so hopefully I didn't forget anything important. Packing made me much more aware of just how many clothes I have. >.>

I hung out with Fro, Becka, and Vicky today for a couple hours. We're planning to try doing a group Skype call once a week to stay in touch. I really hope it works out. I don't want to lose my friendship with any of them. Even though I'm sure I'll make new friends in my new cohort in grad school, they aren't going to replace my existing friends. Plus, I told Fro she could be one of my bridesmaids if/when I got married, so I need to stay in contact for that reason. :P

It's strange to be moving and to feel so little about it, even though it seems like such a big change in many ways. I feel like I'd normally be much more worried about it. Fro said that my recent lack of strong emotions could be related to anxiety/stress, and that she sometimes gets that kind of emotional cutoff when faced with a big change. Maybe she's right, I dunno. This time is different than when I moved to New York to go to St. John's in 2009. I was a lot more alone then. Now I have my boyfriend, and things seem a lot less scary with him around.

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B Dubs Twenty
Thursday, September 8, 2016
I'm listening to a lullaby version of "The Real Slim Shady" by Eminem right now. It's uh... interesting? There are apparently tons of albums worth of these lullaby renditions of popular songs, so I'm exploring some of those at the moment.

My boyfriend was lying on my bed, playing Twenty. He just managed to get to 20, but he's not very good at multitasking, so it required extensive pause usage to get there. It was fun to see him play it, though. :P It's been awhile since I introduced someone to the game.

I had kind of a casual going away party last night, which was nice, although I felt super exhausted afterwards. I've been feeling pretty tired lately and I don't really know why. I guess I feel somewhat more awake right now, but it took pretty much the whole day to feel that way. We're going to watch a movie now, so hopefully I'll be able to stay awake for that.

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Recap of the past few days [2P]
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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So lucky
Friday, August 26, 2016

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Year in review
Thursday, August 25, 2016
It seems like so much has changed in the past year.

I was hitting the gym like crazy for awhile, but that's slowed down now. A lot of the classes I was taking regularly got removed from the schedule, and a number of the gym instructors left, so that kinda messed up my routine. :T

Got into a car accident that gave me severe anxiety over being in cars for awhile. Even though I'm pretty much past the anxiety now, I do still get tiny fears that I'll lose control of the vehicle when I'm driving. That really spices up your commute, lemme tell ya. My perspective on the stability of my security and safety has been affected by that, but overall I think things are okay.

I feel... pretty much over my breakup from a year ago (it's been a year ago today, actually). It took a long time (felt like forever, honestly) to move past all the resentment and bitterness, and I think there's still some hurt left over, but things feel better. The car accident helped shock it out of my system, I'm pretty sure.

Lost (maybe that's not the right word, though) a friendship back in... October, back when I was still dealing with a lot of negative feelings and stress about the breakup. I didn't really write about it here, but it was an... ordeal... that lasted for a few months even after I stopped responding to the other person. I just didn't feel like I was in a place to handle it well at the time, because I didn't have the emotional resources to talk to that person the way they wanted. It was super draining and too much for me at the time. I wish things had worked out better than they did, because I don't hate that person, but I think it wasn't healthy for either of us at the time to keep going with it. I'm not sure if we'll ever be friends again in the future. I wouldn't be opposed to it at all, but from the little I know, it seems like the person might be moving on with their life, and I don't want to interfere with that or their potential growth.

Annnnnd of course, I made a new friend. I may have mentioned him a few times here. :P I think he is, without a doubt, the best thing to happen to me this year. He's coming to see me tomorrow, and then we're going to spend a few days hanging out with my friends and going to Burning Man.

In a few weeks, we're driving up to move me into my new apartment, and the next two years of my life are gonna start. I have no way of knowing how things will go, but I feel pretty optimistic, and I have some wonderful, loving people in my life who make me feel hopeful about the future. :)

The lyrics of this song have no relevance to anything in my life currently, but her voice is so beautiful and it gives me chills.

"Concrete Wall" by Zee Avi.

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Thursday, August 18, 2016
"So Sad, So Sad" by Varsity.

Trying to be a perfect circle
Neat, just like I take my drinks
A crumb upon my plate leads to a week of crying streaks

Have been listening to this song a lot tonight.


In super super super insanely awesome news, my coolest-of-the-cool friend Henry contacted me tonight to thank me for being the only one to like his Facebook post, and then asked if I would like to buy his Burning Man Tickets. I told J, and J was very down for it if I was, and, well, I'm a bit apprehensive about it, but it also sounds like it's an amazing experience, so I said yes, and J bought the tickets for us.

So... I'M GOING TO BURNING MAN!! But more than that, I'M GOING TO BURNING MAN WITH J!! I think about 30% of my excitement over this is the event itself, at 70% is over going with him. @.@

These past few months have just been full of incredible surprises. I feel like my life is so different now than it was before, but in really nice ways.

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wat is love????
Monday, August 15, 2016
Gym time today: 3 hours and change

Same ol' Monday schedule. Mat Pilates, Cycle Fusion, and CSI. I also ran 3/4 of a mile after CSI, at a 7:41 minute mile pace. Maybe I could have done the whole mile, but I was pretty tired from my three classes, and I wanted to go home and eat dinner. I didn't get a sneeze attack this time, so that was pretty good. Makes me feel significantly less hesitant to start running again. My gym membership expires at the end of this month though, so... if I run, I guess it'll have to be outside. :S

I started writing my piece for writing group today. The meeting is on Saturday morning, so hopefully I'll have it done by then. I have a feeling this is going to take me awhile. Our prompt is to write a romance, which is basically the opposite of everything I ever write. I think that if I had to, I could write about people who already love each other, but I don't know how to write about people falling in love. It's not a subject I have that much experience with, and the experience I do have probably isn't... super typical. I'm not sure I'd want to write a romance based on my experiences, anyway.

I've never had too much of an idea of what goes into a romance, but I guess I tend to imagine it as being a situation where two people feel some kind of very strong connection to each other. An irresistible, fate-like attraction. Probably dominated by passions and emotions. Dumb things I don't want to write about! But I'm trying. The romance novels I've flipped through in bookstores (to laugh at >.>) have always seemed kind of trashy and ridiculous, and... full of sex scenes. I guess that's maybe the point, though. Fantasy material for middle aged housewives and that kind of thing. I'm not particularly enamored with the idea of some Fabio-esque muscular dude on a horse whisking me away to who-knows-where to engage in SORDID ACTIVITIES with reckless abandon, so I don't think I'm in the target audience for these books.

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Some visual highlights from my trip [2P]
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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