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Memores acti prudentes futuri


It's easier to complain
but there is beauty in the mundane
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
TICoSME
Musicalities!
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(I added more)
Sunday, May 29, 2016
This is so good.

"There Is Nothing Left" by The Drums.


So I got this No Tox Life deodorant in like... November? December? And it's May now and I'm only like halfway through it. I mean, I'm sure it helps that I don't need to reapply it frequently and all, but damn, this is really going a long way. Very worth the $15! Man, I hope they don't go out of business or something. D: It's so hard to find good deodorants that don't irritate my skin. T_T

---Edit---

So today was meh-ish. I did some in field with my client at the mall and it was unpleasantly warm in there for some reason. I'm not really sure why; it seems like they should be able to afford air conditioning, considering how popular this particular mall is... It was REALLY crowded, too.

After I got home I had to practice driving stick shift with my dad, which was super frustrating. I was kind of in a bad mood because of my client, and I didn't really get much of a chance to unwind afterwards. Most of the time I walk around the mall or do something to kind of decompress after working with my client, but I just went straight home today instead, thinking "I don't really need to treat myself just because I worked today." But yeahhhh two unpleasant things in a row wasn't a great idea. I think it was made worse by the fact that it was really hot in the car, though. My dad turned off the air conditioner so that the car wouldn't stall, but it still stalled multiple times in a row more than once during the practice. -__-

Buuuuuuut I watched a bunch of videos in my Favorites playlist on Youtube and talked to my friend and then I felt much better. :3 We finally got to talk about some things and it's nice to have everything out in the open.

[5/29/2016 8:24:41 PM] Me: Sometimes I joke about marrying rich and spending all my time helping people for free.
[5/29/2016 8:25:00 PM] Me: But it's kind of like only half joking >.>
[5/29/2016 8:25:14 PM] J: hahahaha
[5/29/2016 8:25:22 PM] J: man i'd love to have a bunch of money -_-
[5/29/2016 8:25:27 PM] J: for stuff like that ofc
[5/29/2016 8:25:36 PM] J: let's both go marry rich people

I want to write something but I don't know what. Writing group is coming up next weekend and I need to have some flash fiction ready, but I don't really have any story ideas.

My mind is flip flopping between soft fluffy things and spider-filled darkness. When I was younger I used to imagine that spiders were everywhere when it was dark-- just covering the floor, the walls, anywhere. I would imagine them illuminated by my nightlight, because of course nightlights don't really do anything to deter spiders, even if they're darkness spiders.

I don't think about that as much anymore, but every time a spider crawls up my wall at night (it happens a few times a year I think-- for some reason they're quite fond of the wall right next to my desk...), I remember it. A spider was crawling up the wall less than two feet from me tonight and I walked as quickly as I could to the laundry room to get a jar to catch it in, and I imagined the floor of the hallway teeming with spiders I couldn't see. Even if it was, realistically I would probably just kill them by stepping on them, but for some reason it's a terrifying thought, as if merely touching them would irreparably damage me.

When I was little I picked a big yellow rose from the bush in my backyard. There was a spider hiding in it, and it crawled out onto my arm. I remember screaming and spinning around, trying to shake it off. I succeeded, but it disappeared, and I've always been a bit afraid to pick those roses since then. I still have, a few times in the years since, but I'm much more careful now, and I poke around all the petals with some garden scissors first to check for (why did the word 'assassins' come to mind?) any unwelcome stowaways.

I wonder if this could be a metaphor for my life. >_>

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Moral support
Saturday, May 28, 2016
There's a park I often drive by that has two climbing poles near the street, and ever since I noticed them I've had a desire to climb up them, but never did it until today.



I took my camera up with me, thinking that I could take a picture from the top, but there were a bunch of spider webs up there and I didn't want to get covered in webs so that I could hoist myself up onto the top bar. Sooo... no picture from the top. I didn't feel safe trying to hold onto the pole with one hand while working my camera with the other.

When I was near the top, these two old men walked by, and one of them started cheering me on. I was still struggling with my camera at that point, so I guess he thought I needed some moral support. I grabbed the top bar with one of my hands and he started clapping, then they went on their way.



---

When I was at the library a few days ago I was reading an article called "Odd Emotions" in Psychology Today. The basic themes of it were nothing new, but it did mention some feeling-related words I wasn't familiar with, like pena ajena, which I realize I feel quite a lot when I see super cringy stuff done by people who are totally serious about it and aren't just having fun.

THIS VIDEO IS SO CUTE MY HEART ALMOST STOPPED.

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Uhhh I don't have a title for this, it's just pictures and things
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Gym time this week: 6 hours.

So I didn't go to the gym this morning because I stayed up until like 5 AM chatting, but I went to Bootcamp yesterday. There were only two of us there, so the instructor decided to do some exercises she normally couldn't have us do because of space/resource constraints. We ended up doing some TRX suspension training, which was obscenely difficult. I didn't have an issue with the core exercises, but arms and legs, gahhhh. @[email protected] My shoulders are so sore today.

Last night on IRC someone linked this, and I kept rewatching it through the rest of the night. (Warning: Loud noises)

"Lesley the Pony Has an A+ Day!"


I honestly can't remember if I posted this song before, but I like it, so if it's a double post, oh well.

"Keep Sending Me Black Fireworks" by Of Montreal.


So this baby bird was wandering around my front yard yesterday and the day before, and it's possibly still there today, but I haven't checked yet.

The parents seem to be monitoring the area and swooping in to defend the baby if any other birds get too close, so I guess they're just uh... trying to get it adjusted to the real world or something, haha.

I went shopping with my mom yesterday and found this... very dark bag of popcorn.


Also saw these tiny little red cups. They're so cute! Perfectly sized for shots or infant frat parties.


I've been having some issues with dry skin on my face these past few days, but it's clearing up now thanks to steroid ointment. Yayyyyy modern medicine. Need to refill my prescriptions though. :\

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Best I could do
Thursday, May 26, 2016
I didn't go to the gym today. :( Took a nap instead... It was probably for the best, though. Might have pushed myself too hard on Tuesday, or not eaten enough or something, but somehow my legs were still sore today.

Nice things today:
-The baby slept for over two hours when I was babysitting, so I got to do my own thing for awhile. Last night the baby's mom sent me a video with instructions for how to make the back of the stroller recline (it was so simple, I don't know how I couldn't figure it out before...), and I tried it out today and it worked perfectly. Definitely crediting that with helping the baby sleep longer.
-I got to see Becka and Sean! Becka came over a bit after 8 and we caught up, and then Sean came later and we all chatted and it was a good time. I fiiiiiiiinally got to tell Becka about what happened on April 26th, haha.

Becka told me about a ten day meditation retreat she went on recently. It was a silent retreat, so aside from a bit on the first day, none of the attendees were allowed to speak. She said that it was a little hard at first, and she had all these concerns, but it ended up being a really amazing experience for her, and she became very aware of the sensations and feeling of the present moment. At some point during the conversation I became aware that I felt like I was really there, and I wasn't thinking of anything outside of what she was telling me. Was just 100% listening, which was nice. That's not to say that I'm usually distracted by a bunch of thoughts when I'm trying to listen to someone, but I guess that lately I've just been feeling like I've been 'waiting to speak' more than 'listening', and... I don't want that to become a habit.

"Huggin & Kissin" by Big Black Delta.

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Skypes
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 5 hours.

Just did Piloxing today. My legs are sore from yesterday. :(

Feels like I have been doing so much videochatting lately. I did a group videochat with some people from IRC the other night, and then I Skyped with Kyle on Sunday (we were supposed to Skype again tonight, but moved it to Friday). Videochatted with J for two hours tonight... @[email protected] Another friend asked if I'd like to Skype sometime as well, so we're supposed to do that on Friday (probably after I talk to Kyle?).

So much socializing and also not really?? It's really different than just being able to like, walk around with the person or something. It is a nice change of pace, though. I feel like I'm much more eloquent through text, buuuuuuut the tradeoff is being more limited in my expressions.

Oh also, J mostly learned how to play "Riptide" by Vance Joy on the ukulele and he showed me tonight and it was so cool. ^__^ Definitely can't get that through IM.

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Minor details from today
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Gym time today: 1 hour.
Total this week: 4 hours.

Cycle was canceled today, so I only did Bootcamp.

I babysat today.

Took the baby to the library in the stroller so she'd nap. This... very round older lady with one of those tall shopping carts came into the area I was sitting in, sat down, sighed very loudly for awhile, and then fell asleep in her chair and started snoring. I'm not sure, but... maybe she was homeless? She didn't grab anything to read. :S

On the way back from the library, I passed a guy who looked pretty normal except for the fact that his left hand was down the front of his pants. He wasn't... moving his hand, though, it was just... there. For... warmth??? :(

---Edit---

Maybe I should make a trip down to southern California this summer to see some people. I could visit Kyle, Mike, some IRC peeps... and others... Not sure how much money such a trip would involve, though. Will have to figure that out.

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Derps and pizza
Monday, May 23, 2016
Gym time today: 3 hours.
Total this week: 3 hours.

Pilates, Cycle Fusion, CSI. Blah blah blah gym, okay, you get the gist of it.

I went to this dentist this morning and had a different hygienist than normal (I've been going there since I was 6 and have had the same hygienist almost every single time). I spent the entire time sort of zoned out, trying to remember what my normal hygienist's name was. I knew it started with an M, and I felt pretty certain it ended with an A, but it just wasn't coming to me. Toward the end I figured it out, though. Marsha. Her name is Marsha.

Sean was telling me about this mysterious Tumblr stalker he had for like two hours before they deleted the account they used to ask him one question about a post he made six weeks ago. We're both insanely curious about who it could be. He thinks it must be someone he knows trying to find out about his dating life, because it's very suspicious that they deleted their account when he responded to the question (he wasn't really subtle about it; he straight up said he was suspicious). Anyway, that discussion resulted in me looking at some of his reblogs, which led me to this:

Obnoxious Nickname Generator

My result...


Also, he had this reblogged...


Which led to this...

Seriously though, it does look like that. D: Also, he stopped responding to me after that.

Annnnnnnnnnnd I made pizza with random leftovers and things we needed to finish up in the fridge. I took a picture of the whole thing, but it was pretty bad and the colors were all gross and wrong, so... single slice, here we go:

It was not the best pizza I have made, but it was okay. We needed to use up a bunch of goat cheese in the fridge, so I suggested we make pizza. My dad made some dough in the bread machine, then I put together the pizza after I got home from the gym. It's surprisingly easy to make pizza sauce. The recipe I used makes a cup, though, so... I had a lot left after making two pizzas. But umm, I just scrounged through the fridge looking for ingredients and ended up putting mozzarella, Parmesan, smoked gouda, green olives, and kale on the pizza. We have sun-dried tomatoes (I just mistyped that as 'tomaties', which is kind of cute), which I contemplated putting on the second pizza, but... I forgot. My mom made a sad face when I told her. Or uh, well, she looked excited when I started with "I thought I should put sun-dried tomatoes on the second pizza for you" and then transitioned to a sad face when I finished with "...but I didn't." Whoops!

Oh yeah, and this made me laugh tonight:
[5/23/2016 9:49:04 PM] J: i'm trying to figure out which type of gears would be best for this
[5/23/2016 9:49:25 PM] J: probably gonna cost me about 100 but oh well
[5/23/2016 9:49:57 PM] Me: That much, huh?
[5/23/2016 9:50:17 PM] J: could easily be less if i was a smart person, i'm sure
[5/23/2016 9:50:22 PM] J: xD
[5/23/2016 9:50:26 PM] Me: Aw
[5/23/2016 9:50:29 PM] Me: i think u iz smrt
[5/23/2016 9:50:46 PM] J: d'aww youz jist sayin' dat
[5/23/2016 9:50:50 PM] J: alright let's stop
[5/23/2016 9:50:52 PM] J: i have cancer
[5/23/2016 9:50:58 PM] Me: Hahaha

---Edit---

I was able to listen to this tonight without feeling sad.

"I'll Dream Alone" by The Magnetic Fields.

Dreams-- we had a few
But what kind of dream
beats you black and blue?


(Why is Stephin Merritt such a good lyricist?)

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Reflecting nonsense
Sunday, May 22, 2016
I guess Battered Rose is gone. I didn't even know... It's been awhile since I felt like that much of a fan of Emilie Autumn, though.

Revisiting this song tonight.

"Willow" by Emilie Autumn.

Willow, weep for me
Don't think I don't see
This life I'm living in two
But still it's something I must do
I'm not unique in this
Nor am I special, sweet, or kind
I court a thousand smiles
Yet I keep my own to hide behind

It's cruel I know
At least they tell me so
Well someone lock me up and throw away the key
Because I'm not ashamed, oh no
Oh, willow


I videochatted with Kyle tonight (the first of many such appointments, if things go according to plan), and he described me at one point as a "fantastic person," which felt strange. It was in the context of him saying he thought it was sort of disturbing(?) that such a "fantastic person" might be capable of very dark things. I think I've touched on this in previous entries, though. I make a choice to act the way I do, but that doesn't get rid of darker thoughts and desires. Not saying I'm holding back a wave of evil, I mean, I just feel like the capacity is there.

Was feeling kind of down earlier but for some reason feel better now. It's 1:23 AM though and this is a time for sleeping, not for staying up late. I have a dentist appointment in the morning. >.< Also a hospice visit and three gym classes in the evening...

Okay, I lied, I think I do know why I feel better. I just spent a bunch of time making faces at myself in the mirror. >_> Whatever works, right?

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