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Memores acti prudentes futuri

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A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Fancy chocolates
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Not too much happened today, but we visited Padovani's Chocolates in the Dole Cannery. It's a pretty upscale chocolaterie, although it's not super fancy looking inside. I think they focus more on the ingredients than the decor. The owner talked to my mom and me a lot about his process and the ingredients he uses, and he also showed us some of his custom-made magnetic gift boxes for the chocolate. There were some really pretty tiered ones that spread out into separate layers when you open the box, and... I didn't get a picture of them, whoops, haha.

The owner looked at me when he was showing us the boxes and said, "Tell your boyfriend, 'get me this one', and if he doesn't, you say "you're sleeping in the doghouse tonight!'" I laughed, but it was weird to think about actually doing it. I don't care enough to get upset over things like that, and I don't really understand the kind of relationship dynamic you'd need to have in order to be able to get away with something like that, anyway. It just seems so alien. o_o

I got a chocolate mousse from there though, and it was super yummy. *__* I can't decide how it compares to the pot de creme I love so much from Dolce Bella, but it was definitely enjoyable.

Today was a good day, and I felt good. ^__^

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Diamond Head [2P]
Monday, June 27, 2016
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Mellow music
Sunday, June 26, 2016
I feel really good today. It's a nice, relaxed, mellow happiness.

Skyped with J for like three hours last night, and then a bit more this morning, haha. I don't think I've ever Skyped with anyone so much before.

Have also been listening to this song a lot today:

"Forest (Single 2015)" by ColoreSantos.

I fell asleep listening to Jens Lekman's Postcards playlist last night, and when I woke up, Soundcloud was going through different songs I didn't know, and that was one of them. I haven't listened to that much shoegaze, but I'm really enjoying this song right now. Was just lying in bed earlier, listening to this song and talking to J and blissing out. @[email protected]

"Postcard #3" by Jens Lekman.

Guess I'm just in the mood for laid back music today. I've been chatting with J pretty much all day except for the few hours we were sleeping, and we just finished watching Lilo and Stitch. Ahhhhhh. ^__^

Last night I went for a walk outside. It was pretty much the perfect temperature, not hold or cold at all, just absolutely comfortable. It was quiet, and the moon was bright, but it was hidden behind a thin layer of white clouds, and some darker, heavier clouds were moving closer to it. Right after I got home, just when I got back to my room, it started raining outside. I had good timing. o.o Maybe I'll go for another walk tonight...

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Kuli'ou'ou ridge trail [2P]
Sunday, June 26, 2016
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Sleepy rain thoughts
Friday, June 24, 2016
It's 1 AM right now, and it's raining hard outside. All the windows in my room are open, and I can hear the water coming down and smell that lush scent of wet earth the rain always brings. I wish someone was here to share this with me, but then again, maybe I wouldn't be able to experience it as fully if there was a person taking up some of my focus. I guess that's how it tends to go with these moments of deep appreciation. It's very difficult to share them fully.

Tonight (Thursday) I got to voicechat with J for around an hour and a half. :) Videochat didn't work very well because we both had connections that weren't great. Still, it was fun. Hardly any lag compared to a normal Skype call, too. Ahh, nice things.


I was looking through my pictures on Facebook and realized I had another dream about her last night. Always variations of the same thing-- we reconnect, it's like nothing has changed, like it's only been a day instead of six years. And I tell her I missed her and I'm glad to see her again, but there's no crying or intensely emotional reaction. We just continue as we were, and everything I felt in between just fades away. I wonder how many other dreams I've had about her that I just don't remember now?


Matt and his friend invited me to go to the Bon dance tonight, which I've never been to before. I haven't met his friend, either, but we're all going hiking on Kuli'ou'ou tomorrow. Can't remember if I've done that trail before, but I know that they haven't. My ankles are a bit sore from hiking Kokohead yesterday, so I hope they feel better by the time I hike tomorrow... >.>

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Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Today I went to Iolani Palace with my mom, brother, and two of my cousins. We did the self-guided audio tour, which was sort of interesting. The palace is a reasonably large building, but it actually doesn't have that many rooms or things in it. You wouldn't be able to get lost in it, that's for sure. Hawaii has kind of a sad history as far as its independence goes. The short version of events is that Hawaii used to be a monarchy, but then a bunch of (mostly white) business men got together and overthrew the government, and the queen asked the US to help. President Cleveland was like "Hey guys can you give them back their country?" and the business dudes were like "Haha no" and they set up their own government, and then got the US to annex Hawaii. The US was basically like "Ehhh I don't know this seems kinda wrong... oh well, okay, sure." President Clinton gave a formal apology to Hawaii for all that, but it's not like that accomplished much. I don't know if there's a way to make it right though, now.

We also went to Chinatown and got some fruit there. I split a soursop smoothie with my brother, which was yummy. Almost didn't remember anything bad because of it. Nothing worth more than a tiny grimace though.

After Chinatown we went to the Honolulu of Art. They had wifi there, so I ended up spamming J with pictures of the art, haha... At first I was just gonna send one picture to be like "hey, I'm at an art museum!" but then I just sent him a bunch of different things I thought were interesting. >.> I did have some restraint though, and didn't just... take a picture of every single thing, haha.

It was like... 6:30 PM by the time we got home, and I thought I wasn't going to get to chat with J for very long because he usually connects to the wifi at Starbucks, which closes around 10 or 10:30 PM or something. Turned out he was with family though, so we got to Skype for a couple hours. :) There was horrrrrrrible lag, and tons of connectivity issues, but it was still nice. My face felt weird though, because I was smiling/laughing a lot, and my facial muscles were like... tired? As if my lips didn't want to make those shapes and were protesting. Still, I felt better than yesterday.

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Not much
Monday, June 20, 2016
I'm in a bit of a strange mood. I don't quite know what it is, but it's sort of serious and... unenthused. Not sure why. It's been kind of coming and going for a couple days now. Maybe it's related to not having done much dedicated exercise? I did a plank for awhile today and jumped on a trampoline and walked around, but... not much else. At the same time, I wasn't just sitting around doing nothing, so I'm not sure if it could really be the exercise thing. I was out with my family for a pretty good chunk of the day, like... seven hours? But... it wasn't particularly bad or unpleasant. :S

If it's not the exercise, it could be related to my period, which came a week earlier than expected... I have no clue why, though, since I'm pretty sure I've been eating enough, and I haven't felt super stressed as far as I'm aware. What's going onnnnnnnnn? T_T

Well, some better news at least is that I went to Costco with my uncle and dad and we got a bunch of fruit and things for me to eat. I've kinda been stuck eating like... fish and rice and carbs carbs carbs (and sugar and salt) the past few days and all I really want is fruit. So yay for that! We got plums and raspberries and dried tart cherries (with added sugar, but eh) and applesauce and cucumbers! Also a quart of Ginger Rush. *__* I kind of... drank... a good portion of it already. Maybe this will help my mood.

It's not really right to say I feel bad though, I guess. I just feel off. It probably wouldn't even be a strange way to feel if I just knew why my mood had shifted...

I think for now I'm just going to focus on some nice little things, like how my legs feel now that they're freshly shaved, or the cool breeze flowing through this dark room, or the fact that the fan and the light chirping of the insects outside make just enough white noise to fall asleep to.

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Bad connection tonight [2P]
Sunday, June 19, 2016
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