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What have I done?
Sunday. 9.14.14 8:28 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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Resisting temptation
Sunday. 9.14.14 4:13 pm
I'm doing it again, but instead of avoiding it became I'm ridiculously depressed and torn apart, I'm doing it to, more or less, test my will power. I will inevitably fail at this current challenge. I might get to about where I did last week, but at least my mood is a little different about it.

I have to look at this from the friend perspective and in thinking about it, I don't like where it's going. At least not right now because I want more from it. This was the first time I'd ever experienced such compassion from another human being toward me and in the very short period of exposure, I became, for lack of a better term, addicted to it. I know it'll get better, but for now, I really don't like it.

I really need to go clean the inside of my car windows, but this ridiculous heat and sun has me cowering inside. I wanted to see how I felt about doing it today after I took a nap, but I woke up, saw that the sun was still shining bright and immediately said, "nope." It's supposed to rain on Wednesday. It sure as fuck can't come soon enough. Since it'll be even hotter and somehow sunnier tomorrow, the windows won't be getting cleaned then either. Then with both jobs taking up my time Tuesday and Wednesday, it looks like the cleaning will just have to wait until Thursday. *shrugs*

Speaking of two jobs, I checked my schedule online and it appears that I will only be working this week and next week, rather than this, next and the week after. October 1st was supposed to be my last day so Tuesday the 30th and Wednesday the 1st was supposed to be my final week. However, in looking at the online scheduled, I'm not on those days. I'll have to confer with the paper schedule printed, but it appears that they finally did cut my hours back like I assumed they'd have done shortly after I gave my notice. I guess calling off for yesterday was kind of the final straw for them. Oops. In my defense, I really wasn't feeling all that well. But bad Chinese food sounds better than cramps.

It'll take some getting used to not having a second income, but I need to work on budgeting anyway and this will be a good, forced way of doing so. I have an appointment on Friday to take affirmative action in getting my credit fixed and now that I'm older and more responsible, I feel like it'll be a good lesson in self control. A good test to see if I'm capable of being a responsible adult and sticking to my guns. I'm determined at the moment so we'll see if it holds up and for how long.

Alright, it's time to find something to kill time. Once it starts being all cold and rainy again, I'll be more tempted to go outside. Or even just below 70. This heat can go fuck itself.

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And ... repeat
Saturday. 9.13.14 10:43 am
Today is going to be a mirror image of yesterday, with the possibility of it being hotter outside and also sans the Chinese food. It didn't taste horrible; I've certainly had worse Chinese food, but I'm most likely never going to eat from there again. Desperation will bring me elsewhere. Or, I just won't eat. See? This is why I only like to try new food places when someone else suggests it. Odds are, the food will be better.

I've also completed my laundry and don't really have any more shows to watch on Hulu. I'm also not getting dressed ... so a mirror image of yesterday, but significantly more boring. I'm not feeling fantastic so it's probably for the best. I was actually supposed to go out today, but I think I'm going to cancel. This is the first weekend in who knows how many weeks where I haven't had to get up and be anywhere so I'm going to take advantage of it and rest. Perhaps I'll be feeling better tomorrow. Physically, at least. Going back to work will create a fucking fantastic effect on my mental health.

I completely missed the chance at seeing the Northern Lights last night. My cramps started to get to me enough that laying down was the best thing for me. I was asleep before 11 and I'm fairly certain that I slept through until 7. At least, I don't remember waking up in the middle of the night. I stayed in bed and dozed off and on again until around 10. At least I didn't have any startling dreams this time. I did dream, but I wasn't rudely snapped back to consciousness.

Alright, I've managed to get sidetracked and have since forgotten where I planned on going with this so I guess that's it. I'll add in an edit later if I feel it necessary.

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In limbo
Friday. 9.12.14 2:04 pm
I'm currently in a very strange state of being okay and being very not okay. This morning, when I first woke up, I was very not okay. I actually decided right then that I was going to just stay in bed the whole day and hide under the covers. I dozed off an on for a few hours before finally having a dream that startled me awake so I changed my mind about staying in bed. I didn't want to have to deal with that kind of dream again so I got up.

I showered and shaved, ensuring that absolutely nothing would happen this weekend. 90% of the time, when I shave, nothing happens. I don't want anything to happen this weekend so I'm making sure of it. *see the Murphy's Law entry for reference*

I ordered food for delivery. The reviews on Yelp were mostly bad, but I don't really give a shit at this point. I wanted something new and instead of venturing out and finding it on my own, I limited myself to whatever would deliver to my place of residence; which, considering I'm not that close to the city, limits it quite a bit. So I guess we'll see just how awful the food is that I'll be getting.

My laundry is done for the weekend and I have no plans until I go back to work. I'm still not feeling well. My nose started bleeding again from blowing it so often. This stupid weather is back to being hot and sunny again. And will be like this until sometime in the middle of next week.

I'm just in a very apathetic mood right now. I'd only be slightly less so if it were cold and cloudy and rainy.

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Wrapped up
Thursday. 9.11.14 11:40 pm
I still technically have 20 minutes left in the day. So this counts.

It started out with exactly what I figured would happen with work. I knew it was too much to ask to have a day that ended without anything happening at all. It didn't get too crazy, though, so I suppose I have that to be thankful for.

All of the torture and stress that I've put on my body these past few weeks has finally caught up to me. In the year and a couple month since I got my IUD, I started spotting this morning. There's some off and on cramps, but no real pain involved and nothing compared to what I had when I was just on the pill. If there was pain, I'd be a lot more concerned that the IUD had moved and I would have gone to the doc right after work. But since there's nothing more than, well, a very light period, I'll just wait it out until my body decides its punished me enough. Hopefully once this is done and over with it'll be another year and then some before this happens again.

Jonathan and I finally talked about where we stand, after this past week of being unsure and rocky, at least from my perspective. It was a conversation that I'm incredibly thankful that we had. We're on the same page with moving forward; no regrets whatsoever about how our past has lead us to here, but now we know what we have to do to make this work. I needed that clarification from him and I'm very grateful that he's the type of person who will actually speak what's on his mind. I'm looking forward to what the future holds.

Tomorrow is my off day. I really do want to do something that I haven't done before, but it'll depend on how I feel. I may end up just laying in bed all day. We'll see what Mother Nature decides.

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Moving forward
Wednesday. 9.10.14 9:51 pm
My sister has a good point: if I bring up certain things about the past, it shows that I'm not working to move forward. Obviously it's fine to reminisce about the past, but bringing it up in effort to create conversation can be quite unhealthy, especially depending on the manor in which it's occurring.

In an effort to continue in the forward motion, I took advantage of the opportunity to bring up a very specific topic to a colleague of mine and it went better than I anticipated. Nothing was set in stone, but there's a definite possibility of potential for future happenings compared to the last time this topic arose. 3 more weeks ...

Despite how things went earlier in the day, this new development {granted, I'm using that term loosely} has left me in a rather decent mood. It also helps that tomorrow is my Friday. That's always the best day of the week. Just knowing that come 2 o'clock tomorrow afternoon I won't have to worry about that place for two whole days would make me happy even if I'm having a shit day.

Alright, I need to let my hair dry some before I call it a night. I'm seriously hoping that tomorrow is as uneventful as today was, but it's been rather uneventful most of the week so something is bound to happen tomorrow to fuck it all up. Guess we'll see what happens.

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