Tuesday. 1.17.12 3:28 am
While I'm awake...(disclaimer...I talk about a super duper mental disorder, in this episode. If you don't like riding in the Bummer Hummer, check on out of this page, pal)
I had this thing, with a friend of a friend, over the summer. It wasn't really a big deal--actually, it was kind of a dark, destructive time for me (so it's funny that I think back to it now, in a way, because I sort of self-destructed this past week--back to that in a bit), so it was a big deal in a different way.
I just needed something to NOT care about. I'm the type of person who doesn't get into relationships; I find the men who most desire the single life, and I get hung up on them, and they get hung up on me. And it's all very, very frustrating, sometimes, when I realize that the only thing different between us and a couple are the words "a couple."
So I needed to not care, for a while, and it worked out great. I had delightfully surface-level, minimal feelings for him, and there was absolutely nothing permanent or even semi-permanent about it. Coming into college, last semester...I felt freed of all that horrible weight, freed of that terrible feeling of instability.
Of course, I easily found my way back there. But, I've found that, now, I rear back from it more often. I remind myself that I'm exactly where I don't want to be, and I freak out, and I get mad, and I try my hardest, subconsciously, to screw everything up so I don't have to be afraid of the guy leaving, anymore. And I guess that I just wish these guys would realize that, when I get mad, and upset, and start pushing...it just means I'm developing real, concrete feelings (which takes me months, if not years), and that I DON'T want them to let me push them away.
But, of course, when someone goes absolutely bonkers and accuses you of avoiding her, tells you she's super upset, et cetera...well, you don't hear the things that don't come out ("I'm scared you'll leave and we won't be able to talk, anymore." "I might actually like you, which keeps me up at night." "I'm having a bad week and I kind of need you around to support me").
You mostly just hear that ringing in your ears that comes with being really, really mad. And the sound of some crazy wench trying to yell at you for no apparent reason. Or crazy person reasons.
Whatever. Problem two. As some of you might remember, I have this thing called Bipolar Type II disorder (IT'S OKAY, WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT). I'll give an example of the two polar sides when they meet:
I will become SUPERWOMAN, and I'll be furiously cleaning at an unreasonably fast speed, and I'll be laughing really easily, and then I end up laughing so hard that I collapse into tears and don't leave bed for two days because I'm so depressed.
Sounds fantastic, right?
Now imagine that happening on my way to WalMart, because I'm singing along to songs, and chattering happily to myself about things that are going on, and all the sudden I get a single and tiny piece of bad news (due to a miscommunication, I swear it).
Radio's off, MIND SHUTS OFF, I get to the parking lot and have to sit in my car for ten minutes because, SOMEHOW, THIS HAS TRIGGERED A PANIC ATTACK (which, FYI, makes Normal Unicornasaurus laugh, because it's SO ABSURD).
Now let's say this piece of bad news came from the person I'm starting to actually maybe like, romantically.
PANIC ATTACK + RECENT CHANGES IN FEELINGS + MORE PANIC ATTACK + CONFUSION + FEAR OF COMMITMENT + BIPOLAR EPISODE
= EXPLOSION OF RANDOM ANGER OUT OF NOWHERE.
I feel so bad about it! I screwed up, and I know it, and the worst part is just waiting for things to start blowing over so I can maybe bake this person some cookies and try to explain why even I would not get romantically-involved with myself. Not that we're romantically-involved (I'm not going to try to explain).
Aahhh why must this crazy live within! It's never affected my job performance, it's never affected my health too much, and it VERY RARELY affects my school performance (the former statements are most of why I'm able and willing to speak so openly about all of this)...it mostly just hits relationships, and hits them hard.
So right now I'm trying to jump a depression episode hurdle, and it stinks. I'm kind of a sad example of a college student, hanging out in my room and praying no one notices that I'm suddenly a freakish, reclusive version of Unicornasaurus.
So yeah, hi everyone. That's what I've been up to. Hahahahahahaha.
OH ALSO, I MADE A FORT OUT OF MY ROOMMATE'S OLD BUNK BED.
IT'S AWESOME, I WISH WE COULD HAVE NUTANG PARTIES IN IT.
Saturday. 1.14.12 12:06 am
Tuesday. 1.3.12 9:53 am
Well, I'm sitting here after my dental checkup, with my best friend sleeping on the couch and some time to kill while she sleeps (rookie isn't used to staying up with me, anymore).
She probably crashed around 3am, last night. That would be pretty impressive, but I went up to sleep in my room, knowing that I would be up for a while. I ended up staying up till around...five? I've been thinking about a lot of things, in light of recent events.
Movie night was distinctively very happy and very sad, all at once. One thing I noticed that I won't take lightly is how much love I have surrounding me. I won't say any of my friends have the purest hearts, or anything crazy like that, but they're all just really cool, tender people, and I couldn't be more thankful to have each and every one of them in my life. It was nice to look around the room and see everyone comfortable--not trying to impress a crowd, just relaxing and having fun with one another. There's this blog I read, sometimes, that once had an entry about how she falls asleep on people's couches when she trusts them (she later made the analogy to falling asleep on God's couch--it was exceptionally well-written). I've caught myself, on several occasions, mentally referring to my behaviour with close friends as falling asleep on their couches.
It's terribly infectious.
The sad parts of the night aren't worth much mention. I think the saddest part that I was, at the time, aware of was...well. I had to make kind of a hard choice, and then, once I'd made it, I had the repercussions of my choice shoved right in my face.
But that's just...life. I didn't want to make the choice in the first place.
It's kind of relieving, in a way, though, because having those repercussions come to fruition really solidified the decision... You know you've made the right decision when it's worth the consequences, no matter how painful.
Anyway, le best friend is awake, now, so I'll probably say goodbye to her, run errands, have lunch with inhuman, and then hopefully have a good rest of my day...we shall see! I hope everyone had a great holiday. :D
(Okay I posted this WAY LATE, but the timestamp tells the truth.)
Friday. 12.16.11 10:45 pm
So I'm three for three on getting a job, so long as I get to the interview stage (that is to say, so long as I'm qualified). It's time to test my might...and try to get a second job.
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. IT'S MINE.
HE'S COMING DOWN TO VISIT ME!!!! The guy from the last entry! I'm SO EXCITED. inhuman, my friend Meagan, and my pal are driving down one day during break to spend the day in town with me on my day off!!!
I'M SO EXCITED!
My friends from high school don't visit much, mostly because I have a long-hour-demanding job and sports to worry about, ON TOP of a regular class load. Next semester, with a second job and a heavier class load (two more credit hours--I'll list my schedule later*), that's only going to work out worse.
So it's nice to have one day, this break, when they're able to come down and spend some time with me, especially since right now I have no school work to worry about. Otherwise, we'd probably visit a little more often. I love and miss my close friends...when you get to college, it takes time to meet new people and make those connections. I kind of hit the jackpot with my suitemates, because they really do suit me well, usually--one likes to cuddle and hug, which totally fulfills that need in my life to snuggle something to death, and the other likes to exercise at odd hours and talk about men. Plus, I have made some friends down here...I just wouldn't call any of them if I were, say, hospitalized.
And then there's Ryan, who is just sort of an uncategorized (Chrome wants me to change this word to "unauthorized") friend (who I kind of had a thing with, last winter, whatever). Along with a few other hometown people who I never really hung with, even when we were in high school.
Whatever, my point is, IT WILL BE SO NICE TO HAVE PEOPLE DOWN HERE. Winter break is kinda lame, aside from the occasional outing with friends in town, and I don't know many people who stayed.
Also, my suitemates left their fish to die, in the dorm (apparently this isn't terribly rare). I took them...to the house in which I'm staying. Their names: Hitler and Henry the Eighth.
I am less and less compelled to keep them alive...but then they're so helpless and stupid. So here I am, feeding them and figuring out how to keep them safe during a three-hour drive up to my parents' house, Christmas Eve. AND BACK DOWN, after Christmas!
Jeepers creepers, how am I going to keep them from tipping?
THIS IS WHY I LIKE CATS, DARN IT. I MISS MY CAT.
(PS yeah my mom found a stray and my friend's mom is keeping him until I get a house down here. His name is Alec Baldwin, but he did not get kicked off an American Airlines flight recently. He is the love of my life, other than my dog.)
BLAAAAHHHHHH I HAVE WORK IN THE MORNING.
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