I'll start of with reality, since the past few events have been quite eventful.
Yesterday, I was able to go on an OB (obstestrics) unit, and take care of some postpartum women and their babies! I saw two circumcisions! It's crazy how they do it: no anesthesia, and no pain surpressors. They give the baby a pacifier with some sugar flavored water on it to make sure they dont cry super loud. Other than that, these babies suffered through it, and just cried a whole lot. I understand why: they feel that knife cutting off a piece of their skin o.0. Other than circumscisions, I gave a flu vaccine and chicken pox vaccine to a mother :)

And...at the hospital, my phone fell in toilet. A public restroom. In the hospital. Guys, that is the most disgusting thing ever. But it's my only phone, so I quickly grabbed it out of the water. It was still on, but malfunctioning. dried it with paper towels, then sanitized it with disinfectant, then put it in a bag because I wasn't leaving the hospital for another three hours after that. When I got home, I put it in rice. It's still malfunctioning a bit, so I'm going to let that stay in the rice for a good two more days. I'm so sad T__T. It was dropped in nasty in toilet water, and it's not at it's full potential :( Let's pray it gets better soon though...my 2 year contract for this phone is up in July. So it needs to survive until then...

OH HAHA JUST KIDDING, It works now<3 yay.

And now, for the dream:
I had a weird dream that I was in an abusive relationship. Yeah, weird I know. And not only that, but the abusive person was a father of a baby I took care of yesterday 0___0. Anyways, I had a dream we were in public in a make-up aisle. And he grabbed my wrist really hard, and I just was thinking "what the heck?" and saying "ouch" out loud. Then, he grabs my other wrist, and squeezes it too. On top of that, I didn't even like him. I felt that I didn't want to be with him, but I was with him anyways. Weird right? I know.

So, that was yesterday. And well, last night to this morning too, i guess?

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I have to say, that I pull off this front that I am comfortable with who I am. I spread cheer to others, and I do it in a fashion where you would never think I have problems.

But of course, everyone does. But the problem that I was feeling, was this empty void that was not being filled. The piece that would make me feel whole and complete was missing. For a long time, I knew what that piece was. But I decided to fit in any other puzzle piece I could in there. I jammed in looks into that void, didn't work. I jammed in my grades, and it seemed to fit because for a while there, I was so proud that I felt great. But of course, it wasn't the piece that was meant to be there.

It wasn't until today, where I finally decided to put the true piece that was missing. And it is God. You see, I felt very empty for a while. And to be honest, the empty feeling didn't come with depression or anything of that sort. Life kept on going, but I knew that I took God's puzzle piece out of my life, and everything I did felt meaningless.

It was at that altar, where tears spilled out of my eyes nonstop, mascara running, my pastor praying for me, and my voice loud crying for God, where I felt whole again. I felt beautiful, something I haven't felt in a while. I felt this joy, something I also haven't felt in a while. I felt complete. I felt whole. I felt loved.

And I still do. I'll be honest, I still hear that voice in the back of my head, saying I am not good enough in any way. I hear it saying that God doesn't love me, because I messed up too much. And I hear it saying that I will not succeed in the desires God put in my heart. But you know what? These voices, are meaningless. They have no power over my life. And I will NOT listen to them.

To whoever is reading this, whether you believe it or not, Jesus loves you. Your mistakes are not bigger than his love for you. Your past does not define God's opinion of who you are. And if you haven't experienced the love of God, I pray that you do. Somehow, someway, I truly hope you do because I want you to feel the wholeness I feel as well.

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