I've been chatting with a lot of people I didn't keep up with during the quarter, and it's really nice. I feel like I was too socially cut off during school and it was making me depressed. I'm enjoying talking to different people and hearing what's going on in their lives.

Have been talking to Kyle a lot more, and I'm even catching up with SD Mike (we don't really talk unless I initiate it, so I almost never talked to him in the past few months). Also getting back into IRC.

I feel so much better now than I have for awhile. I don't think my body can handle extended bouts of sitting as well as it used to, but I feel like it's good for my mental health to keep in touch with a good number of friends. I felt really suffocated up in Seattle when I was mainly focusing my social energies on one person. Felt kinda trapped in the obligation.

But! Things are better. Hopefully they don't suck again as soon as I get back to Seattle. I want to try to see my friends as much as I can before I go back. Maybe I'll see about meeting some new people once I'm up there, too. I haven't decided yet. There seem to be a number of options.

Now that I have comfy water-repellent shoes, I feel more motivated to go out. Maybe I will do things in the morning! Like go to the gym??

I wish that I had brought the happiness journal that Fro gave me up to Tahoe with me. I feel pretty good at the moment.

Christmas has been nice. Got to relax, hang around my family, eat food, chat with my online friends. Ahh. ^__^

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"The Nights Are Cold" by Camera Obscura.

The fate of man is random so don't look down
The towns and the cities are all burning down
Your road is bitter like the whip of the wind
You want to get to the end but you don't know how to begin

You want to know how we got to where we are now
The nights are cold
The nights are cold
The nights are cold

Let my life and all its storms begin to blow
Take me here and there, I don't care where I go
Ah, but beauty is a dark cloud when you're alone
She says she has the answers but I really just don't know

You want to know how we got to where we are now
The nights are cold
The nights are cold
The nights are cold
The nights are cold

Ah, the only road I walk alone
Where beauty nails me to her cross

"Never Good Enough" by Eerie Summer.

I wish I could talk to you
I wish I was louder
I was I had social skills
I wish I was stronger

Never good enough
Never good enough
Never good enough
Never good enough

I wish I was fearless
To make everyone impressed
I wish that I could make friends
Instead of just failing

Never good enough
Never good enough
Never good enough
Never good enough

It felt like two hands grasping for each other from opposite sides of a canyon, unable to reach, and trying to meet halfway meant throwing oneself off the cliffs.

I wrote this in 2010, but it still feels relevant:

There isn't any hope left
And no reason to try
When there's no such thing as truth
What can we do but lie?

We couldn't cross the distance
So it came and crossed us
There's much that I still want to say
But nothing to discuss

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I was talking to Dan last night and was reminded of this song:

"No Children" by The Mountain Goats.

I am drowning, there is no sign of land
You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

He also showed me this one:

"Nine Black Poppies" by The Mountain Goats.

And I tried to remember how nice it had been
A long long time ago
But I couldn't remember
I honestly could not remember

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I've had a headache for like seven or eight hours.

Sometimes it feels like I've just had a continuous headache for the past few months. The pain increases and decreases, but it's almost always there.

Sometimes I rub my temples or put pressure on the areas around my eyes, and that hurts too, but in a more tolerable way. Pressing hard on my temples makes it feel slightly less unpleasantly painful, but it also makes me feel nauseous.

It's so hard to care about almost anything else when I can't seem to make these headaches stop.

---

Kyle and I have been talking a bit more recently, and it's nice. I miss when we used to talk every day. I guess that was a really long time ago now, though. It used to feel like he knew me better than anybody, for better or worse. I think he still knows me in a different way than most of my other friends. Nobody else has really been around as long as he has.

We talked about potentially taking a trip together at some point, but haven't really gotten many details down. Most of the places I want to go that are easier to plan trips for are places I've already been to, like New York. I do want to go to Europe as well, but it's kind of outside my price range. Kyle said he could cover some travel costs for me, but Europe is a bit too much. Maybe we could do Canada or something, though. Or Hawaii? He's never been to Hawaii with me. I guess maybe he'd rather go somewhere neither of us has been yet. Might be cool to go along the East Coast, since I haven't really seen much of it. There's also Carlsbad Caverns down in New Mexico, which he said he would take me to years ago but never did.

---

This headache is making me feel sick. I just want it to go away. Ibuprofen doesn't really help enough, though, and the only other thing I have is generic Excedrin, and that has caffeine in it. It's too late at night to take something with caffeine... Maybe I'll just try to go to sleep. I'm staying in a big fancy cabin near Tahoe with my extended family though, and I have to share a room with my cousin and this other girl from China that my aunt invited. Makes it a bit of a hassle to get ready for bed, because I have to be really careful to be quiet and not disturb them.

Headache is making it almost impossible to focus on anything and it makes me want to scream and hit my head against something until I lose consciousness and can't feel it anymore. Not that I would ever do that... All my energy is going into trying not to take it out on the people around me. Limiting my interactions with them seems like the easiest way so far.

I don't want to live with these constant headaches. Maybe I need to drink more water.. ugh...

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"Golden Hour" by Prince Innocence.

The sensualities
A last moment is lost on me

I'm not sure if those are the right lyrics.

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I keep getting random feelings like I'm being stabbed by needles in isolated places.

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Meat... substance.


I don't feel like anything I say will contribute to this picture.


I got some new shoes that are supposed to be water-repellent.

They are a little cumbersome to put on (can't just slip them on like my other shoes, I have to actually undo all the laces and loosen them the whole way down), but I like them a lot.

The past few days, I haven't had much of an appetite. I ate... a cookie, a pear, a piece of bread, and four small pickles today. Kind of need to lose weight after pigging out so much at school, though. I kept getting dessert just because it was there. >_> Really bad habit.

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I got a C on one of my final assignments for class... My final grade for that class ended up being a B+, which I guess is... sort of... well... almost acceptable. I don't know if "acceptable" is even the right word. It feels so mild. I feel like I need something that conveys more of a vibe of "I'm on the edge of sanity right now but I'm balanced very carefully on that cliff and I don't think this is necessarily going to be the single thing that pushes me over."

Surprisingly I got a 96% on the other final assignment for the class, even though I was far more worried about that one.

I don't know, I don't feel like I have it in me to care that much. I haven't had a B+ in seven years and it doesn't even feel real. But... I know I didn't do well this quarter. This was the worst school quarter I've had in memory. At least at St. John's the work was just dumb and easy. My problems there didn't have much to do with my assignments.

In brighter news, I got an A on one of my finals for a different class... So that was a relief. The B+ class is the one I hated, anyway. Considering I pretty much had lost the motivation to try, I guess I didn't do badly.

This came up on Spotify, and I tend to skip this song a lot, but it seems better tonight.

"Comedown" by Bush.

There is no blame, only shame
When you beg you just complain
The more I come, the more I try
All police are paranoid
So am I, so's the future
So are you, be a creature
What do you say, do you do, when it all comes down?

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