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welcome to my mind ...

The weather
A constant state of being.
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
Well, hello there.
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57 hours
Sunday. 9.28.14 2:47 pm
That's about how much time is left in the month of September {for those of us in the Pacific Time Zone} and yes, I'm keeping track. I want to know exactly how many hours are left that could potentially add to the already long list of shit I've had to deal with thus far this month. September can seriously go fuck itself.

I still feel like crap, but my appetite has returned, which is a sure sign that I'm getting better. I haven't puked since yesterday morning so that's also a plus. I'm hoping my current diet of chicken nuggets and ding dongs will still aid in my weight dropping. I get it's not the best of diets, but that's all I've got in the house right now. That and a new bottle of Tylenol severe cold. It helps keep me from waking up in a coughing fit.

I have an appointment after work on Wednesday so fingers crossed that it goes well. I don't really want to give away too many details on the off chance that it turns out to be highly disappointing. I'm going in with low expectations. I'd rather not gush about it and then have it turn in to nothing. It's still September; still 57 hours left to jinx myself.

Plans for this coming weekend are very slowly starting to take shape. I have absolutely no idea what they were supposed to have been, but I guess it's for the better. I can't be disappointed if I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. However, this is teaching me not to have high expectations when planning for a situation.

Life has a funny way of teaching you things.

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Coincidence? Probably.
Saturday. 9.27.14 2:42 pm
My ribs hurt today. I woke up with another coughing fit that resulted in vomiting. I have no idea where I got this from, but it sucks. At least I can talk again today. It's ridiculously obvious that I'm still sick, but I can speak again. I'll probably go to work tomorrow. Not much is required of me on Sundays. With my luck there will be a standby so the hardest part will be to stay awake. I might call off Monday if I'm not feeling any improvement.

When you over-analyze a situation, you tend to think things that aren't true. Most times it makes you think there's something going on that isn't. You create a coincidence in your head, or a variety of them, and you try to string them together in order to make yourself feel better. Or worse; whichever is the wanted outcome. I'm pretty sure I'm over thinking this, but I can't help but hold on to the idea that it's a really odd coincidence.

{Reading back over this months/years from now, I won't have any idea what I was talking about. Which is fine with me. Sometimes it's better that way.}

I'm thinking about getting back in to therapy. At least for a little while. It helped last time; there's no reason it wouldn't help this time so long as I allow the help. I've done a little bit of research and I have a place I'm going to call on Monday, when I get home from work {if I don't stay home sick} and see what I can do.

It's supposed to be sunny on my birthday. I'm not okay with that. A month ago, when the super extended forecast was out, it said it would be 59 and rainy. Now it's saying 70 and sunny. I want the old forecast to be true. I want it to get to the point where it's raining and cloudy for days on end and people start complaining about how it hasn't been sunny in over a week.

It'll also be really nice when we only get 8 hours of daylight. Maybe I should move to Alaska.

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Two for one
Friday. 9.26.14 8:16 pm
I was going to wait a few more days before blogging again, but this won't be long. I was just so damn proud of my last entry. I kind of want it to just stay on the home page.

I've caught some kind of vicious virus. It started out as just sinus pressure yesterday morning and by the time I went to bed, it was a full blown cold. I barely slept last night, despite the mountain of pillows and two doses of Tylenol severe cold. I've gone through a few rolls of toilet paper, because I don't have tissues, and I've puked twice now. Once this morning, which was a lovely way to 'wake up' and again about half an hour ago. Ever cough so hard you threw up?

I've also lost my voice. Which is gonna suck if I have to call off work Sunday. I can't talk so how am I supposed to relay a message to them that I can't work?

Thank you for ending my month in a miserable way. As if the rest of it wasn't fucked up enough already. The benefit to this? I'll probably lose a few pounds.

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Wups, sorry about that.
Monday. 9.22.14 9:16 pm
Try again.

What was I thinking? This is probably the best thing for me to do when I'm in a place like this. Writing for me is an outlet, albeit not the one that I want, but still an outlet.

I'm not okay right now.

But I will be.

It'll take time and a lot of days that are going to be harder than others. And a lot of days that will be easier than others. But I know that I will be okay.

My 28th birthday is in 13 days. I see nothing special about turning 28. I'd rather just skip ahead to 29. And then to 31. There's really nothing special about the even numbers. I'm not sure why, but I've always been more partial to odd numbers. The numbers 3, 5, 7. Really, any odd number. I'm not sure exactly how long ago this started, but it's been going on for at least a decade. Or just shy of one. When I first moved out on my own is the first time I can remember being partial to odd numbers. I looked a lot more forward to being 19 than I was 18. I ate cookies in odd numbers, I arranged decor in odd numbers. Right now I have 9 puzzles on my shelf. I own 9 pairs of shoes; I own 6 jackets, but only wear 5 of them. I own 9 bras. I have no clue how many pairs of underwear I own, but I'm going to guess it somehow comes out to an odd number. Today was an even numbered day and I'm not okay with that. Tomorrow will be better. Simply because it's the 23rd.

I own two pairs of jeans, two pairs of shorts, two pairs of exercise pants and one pair of khakis, just to throw off the balance. You get the gist.

However, my zodiac is the scales. It's the only one that is an object, not a living thing. My whole life is about balance. And when things get out of balance, it tears me to pieces. Until I can somehow regain control and figure out how to make sure things are balanced.

Today was supposed to be my birthday. It was my original due date. Mom always told people that I would be an October baby, but no one believed her. Well look at me, proving them all wrong. I'm a procrastinator by birth. It's in my blood.

And now I'm not making any sense. But that's the whole point in this, right? It makes sense to me. My ramblings. It helps to get them out.

I'm not okay right now.

But I will be.

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Challenge over
Saturday. 9.20.14 7:19 am
I'm ending the challenge. I'm just not in the right place of mind to keep writing every day. I'm going on hiatus for a bit. At least until I'm okay again. It could be a while.

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The day after
Friday. 9.19.14 1:25 pm
I have no idea why I drink enough to get drunk. There's no satisfaction in getting drunk. Tipsy, yes. Drunk? I'm getting too old for this shit. Despite all this I did have a good time, but I will have to watch myself next time I consume any kind of alcohol.

I woke up this morning in another panic. Stupid dreams. I wish I didn't have them. The good ones are too far and few between to make me want to keep having dreams. I'd rather just not. My stomach hates me this morning. I guess that's one positive about when I get drunk; I don't get headaches. I just get bad stomach aches. It's making me rethink the invitation I accepted to go to a brewery the Friday before my birthday.

I need to go to the bank at some point soon. Just the basics. Rebuilding my credit will have to wait another month because my check was less than normal due to the three days off I took early this month. And with my final check from Sam's coming next week and the rent having to come out of the next regular check I get, it'll be the middle of the month before I have any expendable income. Hell, I'll probably have to rethink my sushi birthday dinner due to my lack of finances.

I'm in a fuck it all mood today, if it's not already ridiculously obvious enough by the tone of this blog. I have a feeling it's going to carry over in to tomorrow and the next day and who the fuck knows how much of next week.

Until then. . .

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