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Memores acti prudentes futuri

Shown to the place you fold
there's nothing to be without it
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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Passive Aggressive Notes
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Today I went to Iolani Palace with my mom, brother, and two of my cousins. We did the self-guided audio tour, which was sort of interesting. The palace is a reasonably large building, but it actually doesn't have that many rooms or things in it. You wouldn't be able to get lost in it, that's for sure. Hawaii has kind of a sad history as far as its independence goes. The short version of events is that Hawaii used to be a monarchy, but then a bunch of (mostly white) business men got together and overthrew the government, and the queen asked the US to help. President Cleveland was like "Hey guys can you give them back their country?" and the business dudes were like "Haha no" and they set up their own government, and then got the US to annex Hawaii. The US was basically like "Ehhh I don't know this seems kinda wrong... oh well, okay, sure." President Clinton gave a formal apology to Hawaii for all that, but it's not like that accomplished much. I don't know if there's a way to make it right though, now.

We also went to Chinatown and got some fruit there. I split a soursop smoothie with my brother, which was yummy. Almost didn't remember anything bad because of it. Nothing worth more than a tiny grimace though.

After Chinatown we went to the Honolulu of Art. They had wifi there, so I ended up spamming J with pictures of the art, haha... At first I was just gonna send one picture to be like "hey, I'm at an art museum!" but then I just sent him a bunch of different things I thought were interesting. >.> I did have some restraint though, and didn't just... take a picture of every single thing, haha.

It was like... 6:30 PM by the time we got home, and I thought I wasn't going to get to chat with J for very long because he usually connects to the wifi at Starbucks, which closes around 10 or 10:30 PM or something. Turned out he was with family though, so we got to Skype for a couple hours. :) There was horrrrrrrible lag, and tons of connectivity issues, but it was still nice. My face felt weird though, because I was smiling/laughing a lot, and my facial muscles were like... tired? As if my lips didn't want to make those shapes and were protesting. Still, I felt better than yesterday.

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Not much
Monday, June 20, 2016
I'm in a bit of a strange mood. I don't quite know what it is, but it's sort of serious and... unenthused. Not sure why. It's been kind of coming and going for a couple days now. Maybe it's related to not having done much dedicated exercise? I did a plank for awhile today and jumped on a trampoline and walked around, but... not much else. At the same time, I wasn't just sitting around doing nothing, so I'm not sure if it could really be the exercise thing. I was out with my family for a pretty good chunk of the day, like... seven hours? But... it wasn't particularly bad or unpleasant. :S

If it's not the exercise, it could be related to my period, which came a week earlier than expected... I have no clue why, though, since I'm pretty sure I've been eating enough, and I haven't felt super stressed as far as I'm aware. What's going onnnnnnnnn? T_T

Well, some better news at least is that I went to Costco with my uncle and dad and we got a bunch of fruit and things for me to eat. I've kinda been stuck eating like... fish and rice and carbs carbs carbs (and sugar and salt) the past few days and all I really want is fruit. So yay for that! We got plums and raspberries and dried tart cherries (with added sugar, but eh) and applesauce and cucumbers! Also a quart of Ginger Rush. *__* I kind of... drank... a good portion of it already. Maybe this will help my mood.

It's not really right to say I feel bad though, I guess. I just feel off. It probably wouldn't even be a strange way to feel if I just knew why my mood had shifted...

I think for now I'm just going to focus on some nice little things, like how my legs feel now that they're freshly shaved, or the cool breeze flowing through this dark room, or the fact that the fan and the light chirping of the insects outside make just enough white noise to fall asleep to.

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Bad connection tonight [2P]
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Long Skypes about OKC
Friday, June 17, 2016
I Skyped with Alex K. last night because he was worried a girl might be cat fishing him, and he wanted help from me to find out if she was for real or not. I gave him some tips, and we ended up Skyping about it for two hours. Or well, he was just doing audio and I was doing video, because his video crashes Skype. >.>

At some point we were talking about getting him better profile pictures, and I asked if he'd like to do some kind of OKC profile picture photoshoot once I got back home, and he said yeah. We discussed different interesting looking activities he could do while I was taking pictures, such as drawing stuff (but outside in a park or something, not inside), contemplating a painting in an art museum, or playing his guitar. He vetoed my idea of using a picture of him doing martial arts, because he used to do jiu-jitsu, and he said that he didn't want a picture that looked like he was dry humping another guy (or one that looked like another guy was dry humping him, which he considered the more likely scenario). At some point he also said he had "never used his guitar for sex," and although I knew he must mean that he had never used his guitar for the purposes of seducing someone, the way he worded it... really didn't sound like that. I mentioned how it came off and he said "No, I don't think that would be a very good fit." Later we were talking about things to say in first messages on OKC and I jokingly suggested "ey bby u wan sum fuk," and he added "My dick's as wide as a soundhole." The unexpectedness of it and the imagery really got to me, and I was laughing so hard I couldn't talk and dropped my tablet. It took me a bit to regain my composure after that. I can't remember ever having an interaction with him that I thought was that funny before. o.O

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This is gonna suck to type out
Thursiday, June 16, 2016
So I'm writing this from my tablet... Meaning I'm using this awful touchscreen keyboard that I don't even like texting with to blog. T_T

Okay, so what to say about the past couple days... J got my package, and he liked it, and that made me really happy. ^___^ We also watched The Hunchback of Notre Dame together through one of those video sync sites, and it was bunches of fun. A little awkward on my end though, because my cousins kept coming in and watching the movie with me. >_> Six of my cousins on my mom's side are here with us at my uncle's house in Hawaii, so I can't really do much without at least one of them coming around and trying to see what's up... Today I watched The Big Lebowski because I knew J liked it a lot, and I wanted to see what it was about, but people kept coming into the room and interrupting my watching experience or making me go do stuff, and it was frustrating.

Yesterday we all made tie dye shirts, and today we were finishing them up... After you dye them you have to let them sit for hours, then rinse them out, then dry them, then wash them in hot water, then dry them again. Kind of a lengthy process. I actually like the way mine came out though, and I sort of want to make another one now, haha... I just wish it wasn't so messy. >_<

My family went out for breakfast early this morning, and after we came back, my cousin Casey and I worked out using some Fitness Blender videos. Due to technical difficulties though, we didn't do a ton. I think we did like... half an hour's worth of videos and then some extra core things, like bicycles and something one of my gym instructors calls "smiley face crunches". It was really humid though, so we both ended up kind of sweating a lot. >.> Man, I hope I don't end up gaining weight during this trip from not exercising enough and eating too much. D:

Oh, in other news, I got a black peacoat from Goodwill today! It's missing a button on the sleeve, but that can be fixed easily. It was only $14 and it fits well and I'm very pleased. :3 I want to have more cute warm clothes so I'm prepared for winter... and it might be nice to have a coat that isn't so bright that you can spot me from a mile away, haha. (Though I still love my orange and green coats, of course!)

I might hang out with Matt on Saturday, but I need to find out what my family is planning to do... My mom and aunts seem to have planned out activities for every day of the two weeks my aunts' families are here, so there's a lot going on. :S I kind of want to like, go on a quest to find him a girlfriend. XD Or at least get him to improve his social skills so he has a better chance with people in the future.

Took me frickin' forever to type this out, jeez. Next time I think I'll just try to borrow my mom's laptop. -__-


Okay so I'm on the laptop now and was just catching up on my webcomics, and this one from SMBC... oof...


The hover text was sort of funny/painful, too. ("The key to a solid relationship is winning all the time") It kind of reminded me of my brother. >.> When we were at the airport, he brought his guitar, and the lady at the gate said she didn't think he could bring it into the cabin, but he kept citing some law that was passed that made it legal to bring instruments (of any size?) for free on airplanes. She went to go check with her supervisor (and she was very nice and professional about everything) and he kept talking about how he had to "win" and he wasn't going to back down, because he had to show "strength" and whatnot. It was... really uncomfortable for me. In the end he turned out to be right, and they just let him check the guitar case for free (there was no instrument closet in the cabin, so it was the only way he could bring it, but they were also letting people check bags for free anyway because it was a full flight and they needed the overhead storage bin space). I feel like my brother has a hard time just... being relaxed about stuff. Seems like he's always on edge about something, and sometimes he comes and... well, basically lectures me on why I should be stressing out about stuff too. Like he talked about how important it was for us to make money, because our parents don't have enough and school and living expenses and all that are going to put us in debt (I talked to my parents about this later and they said it was completely false). He also talked about how all the burden to take care of our parents in their old age was on him because of filial piety, which... doesn't even make sense, because we barely follow any aspects of asian culture, and it's not as if I'm just going to abandon my parents the second they're elderly. Having spent so much time in nursing homes now, I definitely don't want to have to put my parents in one if I can ever help it...

So anyway, yeah. TL;DR: My brother makes a big deal out of things and is confrontational and it stresses me out when I have to be around him and he's like that. Also I don't want to put my parents in a nursing home.

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Why do I even pretend I'll try to sleep?
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
I figured out a sort of workaround for my OKC issues. I just set my age to 96. No more visitors! No more hassle! But still available in case someone who was already talking to me wants to get in touch.

Leaving for Hawaii tomorrow. And by "tomorrow" I really just mean "in a few hours," because it's like 1:30 AM and it's actually Wednesday and we're going to the airport at 6 AM. Gonna sleep a lot on that plane, lemme tell ya.

Didn't make it to the gym today because Fro and Becka wanted to hang out in the evening, and the Zyrtec I took while babysitting (to keep from having any adverse reactions to the cats) made me suuuuuuuper sleepy. Ended up just napping as soon as I got home, then packed for Hawaii and headed out to Becka's.

[6/14/2016 9:26:22 PM] J: oh man, my grandma pwned me the other day
[6/14/2016 9:26:58 PM] J: you know how she was trying to argue the "well she's your friend, and she's a girl, right? That makes her a girlfriend." and i was like nooooooooooooo.
[6/14/2016 9:27:26 PM] J: well we were on a walk one day, and i was looking at a tree, and was like "oh, look, there are blue berries growing on that tree."
[6/14/2016 9:27:34 PM] J: and she goes, "those aren't blueberries"
[6/14/2016 9:27:54 PM] J: and i'm like yeah, i know they're not BLUEEEEBERRIES, but they're berries that are blue, i mean
[6/14/2016 9:28:00 PM] J: and she's like "oh, like your girlfriend?"
[6/14/2016 9:28:03 PM] J: -______________-
[6/14/2016 9:28:10 PM] J: i was in such defeat

When I was at Becka's house, I was telling my friends about J, and Fro paused and looked at me very seriously and was like "I would be fine with it if you married him." I was munching on a tiropita and froze mid-bite when she said that, and was just staring at her like O_O. Was so unprepared for that statement. Like whoa whoa whoa, nobody said anything about that. We're just friends, and thoughts like that about the future are... out of place. Plus, having a good friendship doesn't necessarily mean you'd have a good relationship. >.> It's not like you just upgrade to a relationship by adding some affection into the mix... As tempting as it is to view things that simply, my past mistakes have taught me that it doesn't work that way for me. I mean, there are different levels of commitment, expectations, behaviors... I'm trying my hardest not to jump into anything without full consideration of the consequences. I know I can get overly optimistic in these contexts, and I'm trying not to fall into the same pattern as always.

For reference, I feel like things more or less go like this:

-Summer: Feel awesome, have awesome interactions, all sorts of great things
-Fall: Whoops I'm getting depressed, things are starting to suck now
-Spring: Well that sucked, starting to recover though

So yeah... I'm really hesitant to judge anything based on these warm weather experiences. I know that I can be likable and fun and [insert whatever positive thing] when I'm not depressed. That's the me that's easy to handle. I feel like I've gotten to a point where my depression doesn't have a significant negative effect on my friendships anymore when it gets to that time of year, but I'm still working on how it affects romantic relationships.

My lifestyle has changed a bit, though. I do exercise more (was looking up workouts on Fitness Blender tonight actually, so I hopefully don't become a couch potato in Hawaii), and I've been pushing myself to socialize wayyyyyy more than I did in past years. It helps that I've had actual friends to do that with, of course. The light box I got will also possibly help, though I haven't had a chance to try it out during the winter months.

Still, I fully expect to get depressed, and I don't want it to ruin anything more for me. (I know it wasn't necessarily the primary cause in past things going wrong, but I feel like it must have been a considerable factor; in any case it doesn't make things easier)

I hope someday I'll be over this fear that my depression will eventually drive away everyone I care about. It's been so hard, though, especially a lot of the times I've tried to be open and vulnerable and honest, it went really badly and I ended up feeling abandoned and anxious.

But... things have been getting better, slowly but surely. And I do think everything will work out, in some way. Maybe not the way I want, maybe not any way I could expect, but somehow things will be okay. (I really believe that most of the time now!)

"Getting Better" by The Beatles.

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I need to stop going to bed at 3 AM
Monday, June 13, 2016
Gym time today: 2 hours.
Total this week: 2 hours.

Mat Pilates and Cycle Fusion today. I didn't feel like going to CSI.

I felt... really quite happy for the majority of today. Stayed up until almost 5 AM because of a ~3 hour long videochat, and then woke up roughly five hours later and started talking to the same person again until I had to leave for an appointment. >.>

Also mailed out a package to J, so I'm glad I finally got that done. ^__^ But of course... now that it's been sent, I have all these intrusive thoughts bothering me, like "What if I wrote the wrong address???" and "What if it gets damaged in the mail and it shows up looking like a total wreck???" Thanks so much brain.

I am very seriously contemplating disabling my OKC, but it won't let me log in on the desktop site right now because of "technical difficulties"... But yeah... I just don't feel interested in meeting any more people at the moment.

[12:57:04 AM] J: so uh, yeah
[12:57:06 AM] J: thanks for like
[12:57:07 AM] J: being
[12:57:11 AM] J: :P
[12:57:16 AM] Me: Hahah
[12:57:22 AM] Me: Thank you for being too. ^_^

At the moment I feel... mmm... overwhelmed with gratitude, I guess. Just this deep, intense gratitude that such a person could exist, and that we met, and that we're friends. It's almost a painful level of appreciation, and I feel it in my chest. My heart feels like... well, the closest thing I can think of is how your stomach feels when you've barely eaten in days and you finally have a real meal, but you eat it all and it hurts because your body became accustomed to so much less.

And there's also this feeling of immense relief, mingled with some amount of disbelief. It almost feels too good to be true. I'm so used to dead ends and disappointments, and I was starting to convince myself that I'd never meet the kind of person I was hoping for. Telling myself I was longing for something that didn't exist.

It's only been a bit more than a month so far, and I don't know what will happen in the future, but for now at least I just want to savor this feeling.

[1:02:29 AM] Me: I kinda want to say stuff again about how much I like our friendship but I think I would just be repeating myself, haha, so I'll just say goodnight for now. >.<
[1:02:40 AM] J: yeah don't run it dry, man
[1:02:44 AM] J: xD jkjk
[1:03:47 AM] J: i could have said it every night we've talked :) but yeah i won't repeat either :P good night!!!

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Another little update
Saturday, June 11, 2016
I booked my flight down to southern California.


Also I had lunch with Varsha today and it was great! We caught up on some things (apparently there was a five year high school reunion that nobody told me about) and I told her some of the uhhhh more interesting experiences I've had meeting people.

140 second plank today.


Nothing makes you feel old like talking to a teenager.

[01:45:10] [Kid] i managed to go two weeks with no internet can you believe that
[01:45:15] [Kid] at age 13
[01:45:18] [Kid] :P
[01:45:36] [Me] I think I still had dialup when I was 13, haha.
[01:45:48] [Me] So I wasn't allowed on the computer for more than 45 minutes at a time.
[01:46:03] [Kid] well 13 is only 3 years ago for me haha
[01:46:06] [Me] Yeah
[01:46:17] [Me] Was close to twelve years ago for me.
[01:46:22] [Kid] holy
[01:46:53] [Kid] 12 years ago i was just about to start kindergarten
[01:46:57] [Kid] hahaha
[01:47:07] [Me] Well, I'm 8/9 years older than you, so, yeah.
[01:47:41] [Kid] :P
[01:48:20] [Me] Used to be that I could only really go on the internet during the summer when we visited my uncle's house, because he had DSL.
[01:48:46] [Kid] thats so weird
[01:48:59] [Kid] i guess the internet has just become like
[01:49:02] [Kid] molded to em
[01:49:03] [Kid] me
[01:49:11] [Kid] its like a part of who i am
[01:49:18] [Me] I think it's hard to imagine life without it if it's been so omnipresent in your life.
[01:49:25] [Kid] yea exactly
[01:49:39] [Kid] jesus christ
[01:49:47] [Kid] i cant imagine
[01:50:04] [Kid] having to walk over to a freinds house
[01:50:12] [Kid] knock on their bedroom window
[01:50:22] [Kid] and then ask if they wanna hang out
[01:50:28] [Me] Well we had phones, you know.
[01:50:28] [Me] XD
[01:50:31] [Kid] and them being like "no"
[01:50:41] [Kid] and then id have to fucking walk all the way hom
[01:50:54] [Kid] while avoiding dinosaurs
[01:50:57] [Kid] lmao

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