Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I had an honest, purely happy moment today in the car while driving back from babysitting. "If I Had A Million Dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies came on the radio and it had been so long since I heard it, but something about it was so comforting and funny and I sang along to it in the car and things felt really good. It was like reconnecting with a beloved old friend.

Also got a very lovely bird-themed A5-sized notebook for only $3.15 when I was out with Alex tonight. And just spent a good twenty minutes browsing through budgie-themed notebooks on Redbubble... You know, when I really think about it, it's actually not that difficult to get me gifts, because I'd be pretty happy with virtually anything if it had a cute budgie on it. The description of this notebook on Amazon says "For Parakeet Lover," and when I saw that I was like "HEY THAT'S ME! I'M THE TARGET MARKET FOR THIS PRODUCT!"

If I had a million dollars, I'd buy all the budgie things.

I've been listening to this lately.

"Afraid Of Heights" by Wavves.

I breathe in, so deeply
I’m stealing all the air
Unseated, still dizzy
From acting like I care

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Seem to have lost around three pounds since Saturday... Couldn't even hold down water on Saturday night, and was just gingerly sipping on water and nibbling on saltines yesterday.

Saturday night/Sunday morning was spent in a state of constant exhaustion, trying to sleep, possibly succeeding for a few minutes at a time, but waking up frequently because of pain and discomfort. The bathroom never feels so far away as when you have to slowly crawl to it in the dark.

I didn't want to drink anything or eat anything, but my dad encouraged me to keep drinking water. "That's how people die from cholera," he said, "it's the dehydration."

In some moments I wished I would just die. In other moments I thought about purposely depriving myself of food and water for that purpose. Not an experiment I could take back though.

It kind of felt like my stomach was dying and my body was trying to rip pieces off of it to eject them from me before any of my other organs were affected.

Still... I went to San Francisco yesterday with Esther, which was not really the best decision, considering how I felt. We went to Urban Air Market, but I didn't end up actually buying anything from it... got a tank top and a new messenger bag for the upcoming school year, though. My old school bag is seven years old and fraying pretty badly, so it'll be good to have a new (waterproof) one.

---

Mike liked this article on the smug style in American Liberalism on Facebook, so I spent a bit of time reading that just now. It reminded me of why I don't really like The Daily Show or similar programs. I got tired of all the episodes pretty much being the host just expressing disbelief at people's seemingly stupid or senseless behavior in different ways. I guess it wasn't something I thought of as being a trend in liberalism overall, though. There is an unfortunate tendency for people (in general I think, although the article specifically names liberals) to be dismissive of things/viewpoints they don't understand. It's easier than putting in the time and energy required to understand them. But... I think it's not the right thing to do. I think the right thing to do is to fight our instincts in that regard and make the effort to understand other people and other things, and why they act they think and act the way they do. Understanding is an important part of empathy.

Empathy is one of my core values, and I think I will follow my therapist's advice and not question that either.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

I threw up more times last night than I have in probably the last five years combined.

feels bad man

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

"A Beginner's Guide To Destroying The Moon" by Foster the People.

I would break you
Before I let you fall into the blind
For you and I
For you and I
I will breathe in
All the truth I can stomach
If it keeps you alive

...

Yeah you'll never be whole, yeah you'll never be whole
Until you lose control
And think freely to smash the wall of apathy
Stop your self-importance and lift the weight off somebody else
Yeah you'll never be whole, yeah you'll never be whole
Until you lose control

---

Sometimes it feels as if I am climbing a ladder whose rungs are studded with thorns, and I am barefoot and barehanded. Below me is an infinite, ever-rising black ocean, which will drag me down if I ever stop climbing too long. As difficult and painful as climbing the ladder is, it's still better than drowning.

---

I described to my therapist my dissatisfaction with the fact that at the end of things, faced with the final "why," the only answer I can come up with is "because," and that has to be good enough. It is a weak point in the argument, indefensible and based on assumptions of intrinsic value which are impossible to convey to someone who doesn't agree. He told me that it was a point which didn't need to be questioned. At the end of the appointment he looked at me squarely and repeated that he was serious, and that some moral statements don't need to be questioned.

---

Fundamentally Kierkegaard suggested that there are two ways we can live our life, the aesthetic and the ethical. Each individual has the opportunity to make a conscious choice between these two.Individuals who choose the aesthetic viewpoint basically live for themselves and their own pleasure. This need not be a shallow attitude to life. In working for our own pleasure, we almost invariably work for the pleasure of others too, if we are thinking in the longer term. Indeed, it could be argued that the scientist who selflessly dedicates his entire life to curing a painful disease, sacrificing personal, domestic, and social pleasure in the process, is also living the aesthetic life if he does this simply because he enjoys scientific research.

On a basic level, the individual who lives the aesthetic life is not in control of his existence. He lives for the moment, prompted by pleasure. His life may be self-contradictory, lacking in stability or certainty. Even on a more calculating level, the aesthetic life remains "experimental." We follow a certain pleasure only so long as it appeals to us.

The inadequacy of the aesthetic viewpoint is fundamental. this is because it relies upon the external world. It "expects everything from without." In this way it is passive and lacking in freedom. It relies upon things that remain ultimately beyond the control of its will-- such as power, possessions, or even friendship. It is contingent, dependent upon the "accidental." There is nothing "necessary" about it.

If we understand such things, we see the ultimate inadequacy of the aesthetic existence. When an individual who lives the aesthetic life reflects on his existence, he soon realizes that it is lacking in any certainty or meaning. Such a realization often leads to despair.

On the ethical sphere:

Here subjectivity is the "absolute," and the foremost task is "choosing oneself." The individual who leads the ethical life creates himself by his choice, and self-creation becomes the goal of his existence. Where the aesthetic individual merely accepts himself as he is, the ethical individual seeks to know himself and to change himself by his own choice. He will be guided in this by his self-knowledge and his willingness not to accept what he discovers but to try to improve upon it.

Here we see the categorical difference between the aesthetic and the ethical: the former is concerned with the outer world, the latter with the inner. The ethical individual seeks to know himself and tries to turn himself into something better-- he aims at becoming an "ideal self."

---

We talked in the car, about understanding and finding the right people and being alone. It started when I asked, "Do you feel like any of your friends really understand you?" The answer was hesitant and uncertain, but translated to "no."

I asked why. We discussed always being in the supportive role, and not feeling comfortable relying on others. The vulnerability of being open and honest. The fear of burdening others or not being accepted. But also, the terrible loneliness of succumbing to this fear, and hiding oneself away. No risks, no rewards.

"I live philosophy," I said. "It's real to me."
"That's what makes you an interesting person."

Hrm.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!