Tuesday. 7.24.07 2:38 am
These past couple of days I have started to notice couples.
The way they hold hands. The way they look into each other's eyes.
How they kiss. How they hold each other.
Corrie. She means so much to me. In such a small amount of time. And she's leaving. A couple more weeks then she's gone. She'll be back for one week in October. After that I won't see her again for another 2 to 3 years. She will be in central asia with Journey Men, the christian missionaries equivilant to the Peace Corps. After that she may return to "the States". Where exactly? Who knows. But she will only and simply return to get her masters so she may return to her missionary work around the world.
And I think I love her.
And I wish I could have that. I wish I could be like those other couples.
Those other people.
This morning I woke up and immediately my mom already had a list of things for me to do. She needed me to sort my stuff for the garage sale she wants to have, along with cleaning and the typical stuff around the house.
I again wished that I could just sleep in like typical twenty year olds after a long night of partying, with no one to dictate what they could or could not do and at what times.
I worked for the first half of the day, until I received a text from someone from church. There was a bible study tonight. I asked my mom and she said that that was okay. She seemed to barely be able to agree with me. I called my friend Helena to see if she had received the same text and she had. She informed me that she was going. This made me feel a smidge better. A semi social life. Yeay.
Not long after, one of my youth called me.
She's getting kicked out her house. Her stepmom started talking crap about her. My youth ignored her and kept cleaning the house as she had been asked. The stepmom followed her around and began to talk crap about her brother, who is currently in Iraq, and how he can't protect her anymore. She kept trying to ignore her. Then the step-mom started talking crap about her mom. Her deceased mom. She snapped and talked back then went to her bedroom and locked herself in there. The stepmom called the dad to inform him that she was kicking her out. The dad didn't say anything. She was packing her bags when she called me. She was going to her aunts house. For now, anyways. She doesn't know what's going to happen to her.
After talking to her for a while, I hung up and got ready while Helenawaited in the den, reading the last Harry Potter book that she's been DYING to finish. She had arrived at the end of the conversation I had just had with my youth.
We then left to the bible study in her car, since it was raining and one of my head lights doesn't work, thanks to some mechanic who "fixed" it during my inspection.
During the bible study we discussed children. Everything from how we must be like one to enter the kingdom of God to how it was possible for so many children to go abused in this world. Everyone seemed really touched by it. I wasn't. I was more than used to this topic being a reality and not some discussion. The whole bible study group seemed more than interested in volunteering in helping out kids in need of help. They all wanted to join this place that puts volunteers in places that need people.
The irony struck me as a tasteless joke.
The kids right under their noses are apparently not abused enough.
Afterwards, me and Helena went to a movie. Why not? Something semi normal. I may not get to go and hang out like everyone else but I could fit in a movie. So what if it starts at almost 11pm? I'm a grown man, right?
We saw Chuck & Larry. A decent movie.
My mom called me during the movie. Twice. And left two voicemails.
'Again?! Why does she always have to be calling me?' I thought.
'I'll hear the voicemails when I get out from the movie...'
Once the movie ended I whipped out my cell phone and began to listen to voicemails. Probably just my mom being my mom and complaining about me being out late.
I heard her voice. It sounded desperate and like she was crying. She was wondering where I was. She said that she was having this pain in chest. She said to hurry up and get home and to check on her when I did. The second voicemail sounded the same. She said she wanted me there to help her, to get her some medicine. My walk to the car became nearly a sprint. I called home. She picked up. Thank God. She sounded better. I asked her what happened?, what's wrong?, does she feel better?, what is she doing? She said she was better. She said that she just let it pass, but the pain reminded her of the pain she had when she had a coagulation in her lungs a while back. Asked her if she still needed medicine. She said not anymore. Asked her if she was going to the doctor. She said her next appointment was Wednesday. Wednesday!? Tomorrow (today) is Tuesday... That's another extra day! Asked her if she was sure she wanted to wait till then. She said yeah. I told her I loved her and that I would be home in a couple minutes. We hung up.
This is why.
This is why I don't have nor will I have the leisure of being like everyone else. I'll never be able to just hang out with my buddies and kick it back. I'll never be able to live the big life and roll in the dough. I can't be free-spirited and "live life to it's full potential". I can't. I won't. There's other bigger things. People with REAL needs. People who are ignored. People who need someone. People who need ME.
So, I don't know necessarily know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
All I know is that I prefer to live my life selflessly.
Monday. 7.23.07 12:30 am
A year completed.
That's what it seems like. An end to an era.
What's next? One can only guess...
I've completed most of what I've wanted to do with great satisfaction:
1. I have spent more time with my mom. Arguments included. She's even starting to see the adult that I've become, despite her distaste for it.
2. I have regained footing in my priorities. In specific educationally.
3. I have ditched unnecessary baggage. Tons and tons of it. With a lil' help here and there from some wonderful people.
4. I have seen that I trully CAN fall in love again, despite it's deligence in alluding me.
5. I have done as much as I possibly can for my youth. And THEN some.
So, everything looks to be in an upswing.
But despite this, I know ache for someone.
This person is loving, brave, incredibly close to God, slow to anger, responsible, wise, with high morals, good looking, and a few more wonderful traits. Basically everything that I would describe as near perfection.
I want this person. Like nothing else. And I want everyone to recognize this person. Well... at least everyone close to me. Why? Because I want to be this person. The person I ache for is me. My future self. I desperately crave to be a better person. And I face and will face many challenges in this, but hopefully I'll reach that place someday.
'Till then, I have some unfinished business to do. Starting with a church.
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