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undecided
gut feeling
Wednesday. 5.18.11 6:04 am
Ever had that gut feeling that you will regret doing something but you did it anyway?

I don't really know what I actually want to do but I know that if I were to be called for interview with an accounting firm, I will feel more at ease than how I am feeling today. The funny part about management trainee is that it is very subjective to the company. Usually it is you being trained in different departments and being put into a department that best suits you. This management trainee, on the other than trains you to sell loans to SMEs.. I mean yes, you're a bank and all but aren't that why you hire sales personnels? If I want to sell a company something, why won't I just go into sales and marketing dept? The perks are better anyway. I live with sales persons, I know how it is like having to chase after sales and I don't want to. By the way, the interviewer asked me if I don't find it a waste of my education since I applied to be a credit management trainee.... I mean after she said that we need to meticulously go through and evaluate the ability of the potential client to pay the loan, don't you think that it is important to be able to know interpret the financial data correctly? or are you implying that anyone off the sidewalk can do it?

To be honest, all I wanted to do ever since I knew I got an interview is to fuck it up anyway. Even today I wanted to walk that straight but long road to a shopping mall and forget about it. Tho I will know by Monday if I get selected for round 2 or not. I don't know what to hope for, I just know that I feel bad about this.

On a side note, he's such a sweetheart. Because none of those I live with actually wished me good luck today, I told him to wish me luck and he did without knowing what I am up to today and a little later, he asked if I'm having my exams. Lol. A sweetheart, as always

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Move
Friday. 4.29.11 10:03 am
I would advice against moving because whether or not we move, all the expenses would be the same or actually my instincts tell me that it would be a little more with a lot less space.

As I see that you will very much likely suffocate me very often in the course of us living together, I think that it is best that there is a longer distance between my room to the kitchen for in the even that I cannot stand your ignorant suffocation of myself, I will really go to the kitchen, take a knife and stab you to death. No, this is not premeditation, this is just my survival instinct kicking in because at the end of the day, we are all animals and it is the survival of the fittest. That one day when you snap, there is no difference between humans and animals because no rational thought would be able to stop the rage/frustration/desire to get rid of something that threatens your very survival and sanity.

For once, listen to your brother and try not to act smart and all grown up cause you haven't for some time.

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Peace
Saturday. 4.16.11 11:01 am
This evening is one of those precious times where I am at peace with a great many things. I'm not sure if this is the lull before the storm or just a temporary break in the frustration and emotional fatigue that I have been going through this month. I'm not even sure if this is me in my deepest deep freeze mode or I'm just numb from having too many people wanting a piece of me without bothering to give back. I love to be able to hear the sound of crickets, even though it is crisscrossed with the sound of moving vehicles from the highway just outside my housing area.

Finally for the past few hours things have really peaceful and tranquil. I finally got to be home alone for a few hours doing nothing but finishing a book that I've been reading for the past month or so. It is very soothing because there is no one blasting the TV downstairs or people calling me from downstairs and asking what am I doing in my room as if be holing up in my room is NOT a norm. My class started and I have assignments to do and so what if it is Friday night, why can't I just stay in my room? What's your problem? Sometimes I even get ridiculously stupid questions like "I had a lot of socks, how am I going to wash them?". Like totally WTF?

And like all through this month I have to "entertain" this friend of mine who usually disappears after he has a girlfriend. Only that it's been a while since he had a girlfriend and this girl of his is very confusing. Because of that, I get bombarded with relationship questions almost everyday of the week and it often revolves around the same issue. I mean honestly, dude, STOP FUCKING ASKING ME! I'm not her, how the fuck should I know what is going through her head? And the best part was, just yesterday, he texted saying that he misses me. He never did that before. Ever. Even when we were hanging out every other day. I will bet all the money I have that he said that because his love interest aint giving him the attention he needs and he is using the attention that I am grudgingly giving him as a substitute. And you know what's the best part about this is? If I am ever in his position, he will never do the freaking same. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call a classic black hole.

I don't really want to talk to anyone right now except say a couple of friends but mostly would rather it if they were to tell me everything while I just prompt them to go on with little emotion or thought. I guess I'm happy for not needing to think for anyone else but me for a change.

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Saturday. 4.9.11 6:47 am
Same surname but not the person I wanna see tonight.

Might as well get this done and over with since getting it done sooner is better than later when you have time to stay and I am obliged to entertain you.

I clearly remember that you claim to have lost my number because your phone spoiled and out of the blue on Tuesday, you texted me. Question: If you can ask someone else for my number, why couldn't you ask me yourself? It's not like you don't have Facebook or MSN.

Also. which part of "text me before you come out so that I'll tell you if I'm home" don't you understand? What if when you texted me "I'll be reaching your place in 1/2 an hour yea..." I am actually out having dinner? Am I supposed to quickly finish what I'm eating to get home and wait for you? How the fuck did you become a reporter in the first place? Not that I am not doubtful of the credibility of the stories published in the newspapers anyway but honestly, when you love calling other people bimbos, you're one but you're not pretty. You just think you are.

I want my CD back and I mean it. You're so gonna get screwed if you forgot and give me some lame ass excuse cause I know people who are wwwaaaaaaayyyyyyyy busier than you and they will remember.

Fuck. Ano hito no koto hanashi hoshin desu.

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Palm Readings
Saturday. 4.2.11 12:43 pm
The Chinese believe that your fate and how things will be in your life is written in your palm.. I haven't had mine read yet but there are some common knowledge among my friends... especially when it comes to relationships. When you make a fist, the deep lines on the top section of the side under your tiny is where you see how many important/serious/life changing relationships you will be in. If there is a split at the end of the line, it indicates a break-up of some sort. I'm not sure if you're supposed to look at your left or right hand but mostly they'll do your right hand or which hand depends on the gender. Point is, I have at least two on one side. On the right, there is a split at the end of the longest line

You guys know that I'm on this constant battle with my family due to all sorts of reasons and sometimes I don't know if I am being over-sensitive or whatever so this thought has been going through my mind every now and then. What if this relationship lines does not only tell you about your love life? Important relationships in your life does not only involve the guy or gal that you will end up marrying/ get serious with, it also involves your family. So I thought, what if this line represents the break-up between me and my family? I mean we pretty much don't see eye-to-eye, I feel suffocated being around them most of the time and as the years past, the arguments, disagreements and irritation just gets worse. So what if I will end up with only one guy in my life and lose my family? I don't know but I know that I will always have my grandpa with me. Even if I end up losing my family or have a really, really acquaintance like relationship with my siblings, I think I will find a way to make up for it. I always do and I'm at this point where I am so tired of making excuses for them and hoping that one day miraculously things will change.

So that's all that I am thinking of. Maybe I'll truly be able to have some sweet dreams tonight, who knows? After all, we do nothing but chase dreams all our lives and when one comes true, there is always another to take over its place.

Thanks for being there tonight, I really needed that. Maybe I jinxed it by posting that post on my other blog? Actually, not really, everything else is going well but the one pain in my ass for as long as I know.

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Grin
Wednesday. 3.23.11 2:05 am
I have a stupid grin plastered on my face. I want to stop grinning but I can't because to stop grinning means I have to stop feeling happy *sigh*

I wonder where this lead to.....

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