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Memores acti prudentes futuri

You're unsure if I am a loose end or a strand
that waits for you to mend or understand
A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
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A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Axe Cop
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Blue Milk Special
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Curia Regis
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dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Eat That Toast!
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
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For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
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Medium Large
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Two Guys and Guy

Wilde Life
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Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED

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Refinement and growth
Saturday, April 2, 2022
"bullet train" by pizzagirl.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. I'm busy, maybe busier than I have been in a long time, but I feel like I have bandwidth for pretty much everything and I don't feel overwhelmed or tired by what I have to do.

Some healthy habits I've been working on:
-Stretching every day (over two months into this now)
-Reading five pages of a book every day
-Working out several times a week
-Eating at least two meals a day

Reading at this pace is quite slow, but I think it's probably more productive over time than my previous method of reading lots at once and then not reading for months at a time. The consistency is what I'm trying to build more than anything else. I've been doing a good job with the stretching, and I feel proud of that. It's fun to notice my progress with flexibility and feel the difference in my body. My posture has gotten better (working out contributes too, I'm sure) and overall I just feel more confident and at ease in my body.


I've been thinking about dialectical motion and its place in my life. The movement from thesis to antithesis feels related to what I usually visualize as rats running back and forth in a maze, from one end to another. I feel like the third part of the process, synthesis, is kind of like rising above the maze and looking down on it to see the totality of the maze. There is an extra bit to this for me relating to power, and I'm not sure if it's described by Hegel (I haven't read The Phenomenology of Spirit, only analyses of it, but I wonder if it would help to read it?). I think reaching that synthesis stage releases us from the hold of the thesis/antithesis positions... Like there's some distance, clarity, perspective there. When you step outside of something, it can't have power over you so much. So I guess like, I'm trying to find my way to that place outside of this either/or black/white thinking. It seems like it has to be done in bits and pieces, but that's not so bad. All just part of the journey.


I think this present form of myself would have been inconceivable to my teenage self. I reflect back on that time in my life a lot and the contrast feels very strong. I've made a lot of progress these past 15 years.

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Feeling words [DP]
Friday, March 18, 2022
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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Not quite dead yet
Tuesday, February 15, 2022
Life has been kind to me.

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Ugh, it happened
Wednesday, December 29, 2021
I caught covid. :(

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New descriptions
Friday, December 3, 2021
One of my friends likes to make observations about me. I always find these things interesting/useful, since they give me some perspective about how I'm perceived and also give me material I can repurpose if someone asks me to describe myself.

Recent additions:
"You're my favorite robot."
"Manic pixie thrift store fashionista or MTV's Daria. The two poles of your spectrum."
"You're the most redpilled girl I've ever met." (This one made me laugh)
"You're like a first gen e-girl."


I've been hitting the gym recently. It helps that I have a friend to go with sometimes, but having a personal trainer to give me workouts is also pretty good for giving me direction/motivation. Trainer wants me to be getting 125g of protein a day though, which has been extremely difficult to manage. I mean, 500 calories of protein would be around a third of my daily caloric intake... Although I need to be eating more for those gains, I guess.

Doing (Romanian) deadlifts has been fun. I maxed out on the mini barbell weight available at my gym though (110lbs), so I guess I gotta move up to real barbells... The hardest part at the moment is that my grip and arm strength can't keep up with my leg strength, so picking up the bar in the first place and then holding onto it is tough, but the actual deadlift itself is not. Gotta work on that I guess... But hey, it'll be exciting when I can deadlift more than my bodyweight! And only 15lbs to go before I can basically deadlift myself haha.

I wanna start doing barbell squats too... Y'know, get thicc 'n all. But it kind of hurts my neck(?)/upper back area, or... I don't know, is that considered shoulders? Well whatever, the area the barbell rests on. Not sure what to do about that, or if it means I have the bar positioned wrong... A quick search suggests that it's just a newbie lifter problem though, so I guess maybe I'll get used to it if I just keep at it? Probably like how the seats on stationary bikes are horribly uncomfortable at first and then after a bit they seem fine. Honestly I'm still not sure how that works. Wonder if your brain just kind of adjusts the nerve sensitivity there or something. I'm like... pretty sure that it's not a matter of your crotch developing calluses, at least.


As far as mental health and whatnot, I've been pretty good. Trying to remember to take my supplements, get enough sun, eat reasonably healthy (consciously making a shift towards less sugar has maybe been good?), and of course, exercise. Regular social contact is on the list of "do these things to be healthy" too, but I feel like I spend pretty much as much time as I can chatting with people anyway. Given the choice, I'd probably rather talk to my friends than eat, sleep, or do nearly anything else. Good conversation is more fulfilling than nearly any other activity I could engage in.

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Trying something out [4P]
Wednesday, November 10, 2021
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Bird update
Wedneday, October 13, 2021
Look at these perfect babies getting along.

It's been a lot more active in the cage with four birds, but I think it's a good thing. The new birds learned really quickly to eat from our hands, and my brother has been very interested in training them. Of course, his favorite budgie (on the right in that picture) has been showing everybody else in the cage how things work, and practically trains himself. Today he flew to my brother's arm even though I was closer to the cage. I keep saying that he can tell us apart and prefers my brother, but my brother just never seems to believe me.

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I've been busy
Monday, September 13, 2021
"Wait By The River" by Lord Huron.

I will wait by the river
In the light of the moon
At the edge of the city
I will wait for you
Though I can't wait forever
Someday I'll be dead and gone
And I won't be forgiven
For what I've done


My lack of post writing is not because I've forgotten about Nutang. Sometimes I just don't know what to write though. I was in a bit of a slump for the past month, but I bounced back and am doing a lot better now. On the other hand, I fractured my toe, so that's kind of a new experience for me. I got to go to urgent care for the first time and see what all the fuss is about. It took about three hours, but everybody was quite nice to me and overall it was a pleasant experience as far as my interactions with the staff. Probably the worst part was that there was this woman sitting right behind me who kept loudly groaning and complaining the whole time. I'm sure she was in pain, and I can have sympathy for that, but she was practically complaining into my ear the whole time because of how close she was sitting.


Anyway, I've been up to stuff! I started a Discord server for local people who like birds and I've been organizing activities for ECS. Unfortunately, since I fractured my toe, I'm now unable to lead physical activities like hiking, but I'm thinking of other things I could try to do to get more people interested in ECS... Right now I'm contemplating some kind of recurring meeting for self-exploration through art. It's a very rough idea and I only started thinking about it today though. My goal is to get people engaged with our community on a less heady level, because I think most of our current offerings are very heady in nature, but that doesn't appeal to everybody. We end up missing out on people who might care about the same issues but aren't drawn to have hour long group discussions about like... the ethics of solar energy farms or something.

In addition to these new responsibilities I have, I'm going to start going to the gym again soon... I had been wanting to get personal training for awhile (since before the pandemic, honestly) but I kept putting it off because I was worried about safety... Since I actually got money from the last stimulus though, I figured I would put some of that towards the personal training. Ended up getting a three month package, which I'm hoping will help me work out despite the foot injury.

I've also just started participating in a shortish toothpaste marketing study, which is kind of fun. I get to try four different sample toothpastes and give my feedback on them.

Lately I've been making an effort to make sure I brush my teeth twice a day and wash my face twice a day (as opposed to only once for each), which I think has been good for my mental health in a small way. It would probably be even better if I woke up at the same time every day and went to bed around the same time, but well, one thing at a time.

Oh, and I adopted two new budgies. They're kind of young, and very scared of people, but they're cute and I hope they get along with Bill and Mimi. Right now they're still in quarantine, so they can only chirp at Bill and Mimi from across the house, but in a couple of weeks I'm going to move them into the big cage.

I think that's mostly it for my recent life updates... I don't know how many people still read this, but I figured I'd share for my own record at the very least.

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