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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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"Indie Song" by Pops Tuna.


I've been asking my mom questions about her mother, and I'm learning some things that put my own experiences into context. I haven't been very happy with some of the ways my mom chose to parent me when I was growing up, but knowing how her mother treated her, I feel I understand better now why she did some of the things she did. It's giving me more compassion for her.

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What else to say... I am keeping up well with my intentional habits of stretching and reading, and I'm working out five days a week regularly now. Trying to get enough protein is pretty hard and I'm not always hitting my goals, but I'm certainly getting a lot more than I was before, and I feel stronger and more physically capable, which is nice. I really need to work on my cardio though... That's been neglected since I'm just doing weight lifting for the most part, but I want to get it back on track...

I keep accidentally kicking my toe in the same spot where it broke though, so for now I've got it taped again and I'm wearing the post-op shoe until it stops hurting. I don't know that I even feel much about this except... tired.

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"Club Mania" by Pixel Grip.

Obsessed with this song today, so good.

I finally bought makeup primer for the first in my life, after wondering for years why I would always get raccoon eyes from eyeliner. I'm sure this is incredibly obvious to anybody who even vaguely knows what they're doing with makeup, but wow, primer really helps hahaha. Another step in the direction of figuring out how to present myself in a more aesthetically pleasing manner, I suppose.

I feel pretty good overall. One of my clients is a small child and I called his mom today to get some information to help me in treatment, and she seemed relieved and grateful to talk to me about how it was going. She even said that the behaviors he was exhibiting that led to his referral had declined! It was honestly wild, because I didn't even know specifically why he had been referred (all they told me was that he was disruptive), but I feel great hearing that apparently within the time I've been seeing him, he's improved in that way. I don't know if it was actually because of me or not, but the timing does coincide perfectly with when he started seeing me.

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"bullet train" by pizzagirl.


I've been feeling pretty good lately. I'm busy, maybe busier than I have been in a long time, but I feel like I have bandwidth for pretty much everything and I don't feel overwhelmed or tired by what I have to do.

Some healthy habits I've been working on:
-Stretching every day (over two months into this now)
-Reading five pages of a book every day
-Working out several times a week
-Eating at least two meals a day

Reading at this pace is quite slow, but I think it's probably more productive over time than my previous method of reading lots at once and then not reading for months at a time. The consistency is what I'm trying to build more than anything else. I've been doing a good job with the stretching, and I feel proud of that. It's fun to notice my progress with flexibility and feel the difference in my body. My posture has gotten better (working out contributes too, I'm sure) and overall I just feel more confident and at ease in my body.

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I've been thinking about dialectical motion and its place in my life. The movement from thesis to antithesis feels related to what I usually visualize as rats running back and forth in a maze, from one end to another. I feel like the third part of the process, synthesis, is kind of like rising above the maze and looking down on it to see the totality of the maze. There is an extra bit to this for me relating to power, and I'm not sure if it's described by Hegel (I haven't read The Phenomenology of Spirit, only analyses of it, but I wonder if it would help to read it?). I think reaching that synthesis stage releases us from the hold of the thesis/antithesis positions... Like there's some distance, clarity, perspective there. When you step outside of something, it can't have power over you so much. So I guess like, I'm trying to find my way to that place outside of this either/or black/white thinking. It seems like it has to be done in bits and pieces, but that's not so bad. All just part of the journey.

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I think this present form of myself would have been inconceivable to my teenage self. I reflect back on that time in my life a lot and the contrast feels very strong. I've made a lot of progress these past 15 years.

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Life has been kind to me.

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