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hikarixgaki
Age. 24
Gender. Female
Ethnicity.
Location , NJ
School. Boston Univ
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this is my site // disclaimer
P.S. The passwords to protected entries will always be "watermelon" as for 9/27/06. For all password protected entries before then, just ask me for it but most likely the password it "pleasedont".
listening
links out
background from createblog
six flags
4/7/07 (saturday)
I have the biggest urge to go there.
You have no idea.
And hopefully it won't rain. 'Cause if it rains I'm gonna have to slap somebody.
Kingda Ka'll be closed and it'll be like hell to wait for El Toro in the friggin rain.
It sucked that it rained when every coaster was a walk-on. =/

Uh... spring break's been really boring so far. Today's the first day I've actually been outside since we started on Wednesday, which is pretty weird. My parents and I went shopping around for some dresses to wear for graduation (wow, only two more months!).

So yeah. Oh, and I want to watch Hot Fuzz. That is all.

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i have
4/3/07 (tuesday)
a deaf algebra teacher. Literally, he's deaf in his left ear. He needs a hearing aid, and he had explained how it works in detail (something about vibrations on his bone, but that's probably how all hearing aids work). He also has this weird habit of clearing his throat at random times.
So the majority of the class just talks nonstop during the lessons and then complains about how they don't understand anything that's going on.
And when they do pipe up and say they don't understand, he seriously goes, "Come on, you should get it!"

One of the only good things about him is that he tells you during a test if you've got an answer wrong. If you hand it in early enough, he looks it over and if you get anything wrong he hands it back to you and politely points out the mistake.
But nowadays I never make mistakes because, due to said deafness, everybody cheats off of each other during tests. I don't usually cheat, just cross-check, "What did you get for number 16? Wait, how'd you get that?", "How do you do number 4?" etc. Well I guess that technically is cheating.

So we were taking a test today and I wanted to hand my paper in after looking it over five million times, though it was only about ten minutes into the forty-minute period. Oh well, doodling and napping and whatnot. So he's just standing over someone else's shoulder (and that person sees him and mumbles, "Do you mind?" Seriously, he does.) and I'm waving my test in the air. And then I start beating my pencil eraser on the desk and he finally comes over when everybody else has already noticed and have told me to stop it already.

Oh yeah, this guy also teaches synergistics. I don't think it's a common subject, so let's just say it's applied science. You go to different stations like Computer Graphics and Animation, Audio Broadcasting, Robots, or Engineering Bridges every month or so. I was at Flight Technology with my friend for about four weeks now, and last week's session took forever so we had to redo the whole project so I could get results too. To avoid a long explaination, it's testing a wing you're supposed to design. It's harder than it seems because you have to balance out the wing, test how much load it can carry, etc.
Wow, I tend to ramble on too much with backstory that it depletes from the actual punchline. Oh well. Now it's not gonna seem as funny.
So my friend was balancing her wing out, which basically means turning a weight around a metal rod like a washer or something. The teacher was standing right in back of her, watching her balance it out. This isn't some young guy either, he looks much older than the rest of our teachers and we even joke around that he's a pedophile or something because of his overall strangeness. So he's just standing there and there are a few kids calling him from all over the room, but he doesn't hear any of them. I was making fun of my friend because she was just trying to balance her wing with this old guy standing in back of her while there are a million other kids in the room that need the teacher's help.
It doesn't sound as smooth when you need a backstory.

So if it's not clear by now, I'm practicing my writing. Even though the Push novel deadline was last month, that doesn't mean I can't practice. And besides, do you guys really care about my deaf algebra teacher? XD
I was always fond of a sarcastic tone.

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great
3/25/07 (sunday)
I feel bad. Two of my friends hate me and don't even want to tell me why. My other friends feel sorry for me and had to tell me why my other friends hate me and want to help out. I'd just feel worse if I let them, though.

So Alyssa hates me for the below reason. And Victoria hates me because I had told people that she likes Will. But honestly, I thought a bunch of people had already known. If I didn't, then would I have told them? It wasn't like it was random people - they were people that I personally trust.

Looking back on before, when I was still good friends with all of them but I still kept wanting something more to happen, I just get frustrated. I guess I always want something to happen, does that make me a drama queen? I don't want to start the drama, but I just love following it.

Now I'm on the verge of just telling Andrew I like him so the whole thing can blow up. 'Cause after stuff like this reaches its breaking point, then it'll all die down eventually.

I also can't wait until summer - still a few months away but so close I can taste it. Away from most of my friends for pretty much the rest of my life (hopefully). That last sentence just made me feel like a hypocrite, oh well. Plus, hopefully I'll get to chill with my cousins, whom I love very dearly, which is great because I wouldn't be able to escape them if I hated them.

High school is soon. I really just want to leave STA now, leave everything behind, and start over new. I'm only a little bit nervous, which makes me feel weird but still oddly confident.

It's kinda late and my mind's getting dull, so I'm gonna leave it off here. I want to keep going though. Strange.

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ew emoness
2/26/07 (monday)
Look, I love my friends a lot. I can't imagine where I'd be without them. But seriously, lately it feels like they just don't want me around anymore. Today, after school, they were all hanging out with each other, muttering and stuff. At lunch Alyssa, Alanna, and Ciara were all hanging out with each other and whispering and stuff again. It really ticked me off because I could tell they were talking about me: they tried keeping me away from the conversation, well they usually do that but not in the frequency that they were doing it today, and they didn't even bother coming back over to me and Victoria again. I feel sorry for Victoria anyway 'cause I could tell that the whole time she wanted to go over and go talk with them too, but she stayed sitting alone with me. Not even sitting, she stayed standing. I felt bad about that so I told her to go and sit, but she wouldn't.
Alyssa had come over to talk to her and whispered something in her ear, which made her go away for a little while, and of course when she came back I was dying to know what she had said. Pestering and pestering wouldn't pry it open so I just gave up, thinking it was about me too. And after school, right in plain view in a normal voice, Alyssa goes, "She should have at least said something or something! Like come on, you tell him something like that it would've been nice to hear it from you instead of from him and wondering where it came from!"
Backstory. LAST YEAR. Seriously. It was Spanish class and Mike and I were just working and talking 'cause we were in the same group and randomly he goes, "Who do you like?" I had already liked Andrew by now but like I could've said anything; Alyssa's been obsessed with him since the beginning of seventh grade. So he just goes off firing random names: "Derek" "Robert" "Me" ("No way.") "Matt" ("Which one?" "The short one." "No way.") And then he gets to Andrew. I" was trapped, he kept saying it over and over like "I know you like him," so then I had to blurt out, "Alyssa's the one who likes him, not me!" because I had thought it was already common knowledge by now, especially for one of his best friends. Apparently not because he threatened to tell everyone, and by the next day Alyssa was confused, saying, "How does Mike know who I like?"
I wrote an entry about it on xanga saying how guilty I feel and pouring my emotions out, and later on I had made it protected, just for my closest friends. I had no idea Alyssa would find it more than half a year later and bring it back against me.
All this ignoring has been making me feel pretty crappy lately. Nowadays, the only ones that'll talk to me are Tracy and Caitlin, and they're never outside to sy anything. I'd say Ciara too if Alyssa wasn't always dragging her off selfishly whenever I try to fit in one "Hello, how are you?" in. Like Ciara is her property! Dammit, I feel like we're all supposed to be friends but we're keeping all these secrets from each other, so it doesn't work. See, when Victoria first got a screen name she was annoying as hell but now she's just okay, maybe even showing a bit of compassion torward what we're doing. I feel like I'm not granting her the same courtesy though, I just want to hang on to my friends. Victoria knows that I like Andrew and she told Will too (he probably doesn't care though) but I can tell that everyone else has suspicions that I like him too. Even worse, Victoria probably told them and they're turning against me for keeping secrets.
And hypocracy! Don't even get me started on how, in their, or mostly "her", hypocrite-hating frenzy, she's turned into a hypocrite! It's always, "I don't like Andrew anymore, stop bothering me about it!" but she's bothering us with her unrequited love with all her dreams and wishes and pissed postings. And I bet she's probably talking to all of them about Andrew too! She doesn't want to admit it, but she still has a huge crush on him! I'd try to get her to admit it but she'd probably blow up in my face and accuse me of liking him. Well hey, if I started going out with him, would you blow up? I mean, you "obviously" don't like him anymore, doesn't that make him freed up? He never even liked you in the first place, "sister"! It just makes me so mad.

In other, non-friends related news, I've decided on my high school: Paramus Catholic. Yeah I didn't like it at first and, to tell the truth, I still don't think I like it better than, say, Mount Saint Dominic, but it's the most convenient choice for my family and besides, it's better than Laco or QP. My brother can go there next year and it's the most affordable. I'm kinda bummed that so many other people are going there though. Anthony even ranted on about that too: that he's been working his ass off trying to get into PC while others think they can just waltz in there as a backup school. I was thinking almost one hundred percent that he was talking about people like me, but if had even confronted him about it he would get mad all over again. I absolutely hate seeing other people mad; I actually enjoy being mad but if I get somebody else fired up without getting mad myself, I feel horrible. I guess that's my apologetic side for you.
But seriously, some of my friends are getting worked up about my choice too: they keep saying, "Oh you'll see everybody there!" and stuff. Well for one, even at the scholarship exams and registration day, I barely saw a few familiar faces in the crowd of what was to be my freshman class next year. I don't think they realize the magnitude of the school. And it's not like I'll even be hanging out with them! If they don't exist to me, I don't exist to them, and the world can keep turning around and around.
I'm kind of scared, actually, that I won't make any new friends next year. Sure there'll be at least a handfull of familiar faces but none that I'm actually acquainted and comforatble with. I was contemplating breaking off my friendships and starting anew next year, heck, that may even happen if my relationship walls keep tumbling down. But truthfully, I don't want to break anything off and I really wanna stay in touch after we graduate eighth grade. Even if we do go our own seperate ways before then, we've still been friends way before that and you just can't deny your past. You'd be like Lisa B. Oh wait, they're hypocrites, the bad stuff that the "other group" does that we do to are only bad for "them" because we're perfect. They don't even realize what they're doing, every single person in both groups. Oh, and if you haven't realized it by now, my school is very cliquey. So that makes the shunning by my friends hurt even more because I have nowhere to go.

My birthday's in a few weeks. Call me selfish, but I kinda wish that my friends would keep ignoring me by then. I wanna see how outcasts feel on their "special day" when nobody notices them. And plus, I wouldn't have to throw a party. Sure gifts are nice and stuff, but really. Honestly, I'd like the memories and such, especially since it's the last time I'll probably throw a party with all of them, but if they have to be such bitches about everything, then I'd rather not. Hell, I'm being a hypocrite right now because I'm bitching over this right now. But at least I'm admitting to it. They'd all say it's "different" because it's somebody else.

Wow this turned out really long. Hello nutang. I've missed you so, seems like it's been forever since I've been gone. But it's only been two weeks. I think I'll be using you more now that I apparently have no freedom of speech without it coming back to haunt me somewhere else.

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merry christmas!
12/25/06 (monday)
or whatever you want me to say!

No religious sensitivity here, the pilgrims came here to celebrate Christianity and I intend to do the same! ;D

But seriously, happy holidays and I'll see you next year?


p.s. z100's 100 Top Songs of 2006 list was disappointing.

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don't go starting drama!
12/14/06 (thursday)
My biceps hurt.

[08:55] me: andrew?
[08:56] andrew: yeah
[08:56] me: you okay?
[08:57] andrew: aleesas mad at me
[08:57] andrew: idk y
[08:57] me: 'cause she keeps thinking you're a hypocrite
[08:57] andrew: y
[08:57] me: cause you were with danielle
[08:58] andrew: i can admit i am sometimes
[08:58] me: and you called her a slut
[08:58] andrew: i know
[08:58] me: everyone is sometimes
[08:58] andrew: im fucked up
[08:58] andrew: but aleesa has to get over me
[08:58] me: don't you think i know?
[08:58] andrew: aleesa has to
[08:58] andrew: its annoying
[08:58] andrew: she acts all weird
[08:58] me: god it's so annoying like "OMG ANDREW SUCH A HYPOCRITE" and we're all like "WE KNOW ALREADY GOD"
[08:58] andrew: i want her to be herself
[08:58] me: she is
[08:59] me: she really is annoying
[08:59] me: would you like her if she was herself?
[08:59] andrew: no shes like my sister
[08:59] me: seriously?
[08:59] andrew: yeah
[09:00] me: you should just tell her dammit
[09:00] andrew: i dont want to hurt her
[09:00] me: well she'll hurt herself more if she keeps going after you
[09:01] me: just tell herrrr it's so annoying to hear her whine and groan about that stupid shit
[09:03] andrew: exactly
[09:03] me: so tell her!
[09:03] andrew: ok fine
[09:08] me: hey andrew?
[09:08] andrew: yeah
[09:09] me: do you like anybody anyway?
[09:10] andrew: no
[09:10] me: kay

It felt good talking to him but I seriously am not sure about telling him to tell her. For one, he may be stupid and say "Well Trisha told me to!" Alyssa may get even more pissed, like "Why are you saying that?!". I feel good about telling him how damn annoying Alyssa can be, so I don't feel as bad about saying that.

I messed up today at the Christmas concert. =/

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