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Music
thoughts
Friday. 5.25.18 7:13 pm
Ex.
It was his birthday recently. I said happy birthday. I think Iíve said it before, but I truly hope the best for him. I know writing about him makes you think Iím probably still in love with him. Iím not. But that doesnít mean I donít think about him from time to time. This dude saw me grow up. From 21 until 26. He saw me before I became a nurse, when I started my career, and the growth that my profession provided me. He gets credit for shaping me through 5 years of my life. At one point, we both thought this was it. My family also thought this was it. I told him about the heart shaped engagement ring I wanted, we talked about how our wedding hopefully would be a destination one so some family members wonít come (lol). We talked about having kids and what we would do differently from our parents. At the same time, I would wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and stare at him. Iíd think ďthis isnít what I want.Ē Isnít that scary? I stayed after feeling that way on and off for a year and a half. That sounds harsh. Part of me, Iím sure stayed because I was comfortable. But a big part of me stayed because I wanted us to work despite my feelings. I thought, fake it until you make it. I thought that this was a normal feeling couples have. I now realize it isnít normal. And if it is, itís toxic. Every time I look back and time passes, I realize we werenít a good fit. We couldnít make eachother happy. I think we tried very hard, but we couldnít. I really miss him though. As a friend, as a confidante, as my best secret keeper. But you canít be selfish and keep someone for those reasons when you donít love them anymore. Not when they want more. Also, how do you move on and trust someone new if you continue to depend on someone from your past? You canít.

New beau
and then, thereís Seth. Heís pretty darn cool. Heís the guy that told me we are going to get married, have two kids, and live in a one story house. So sweet lol. I was worried before my vacation, to ask him if we are exclusive. Iím clearly still healing from my breakup, so I donít want to be official yet. But I didnít want to date someone who still is looking for other options. He told me the day before I asked him if we were exclusive that he always knew he wouldnít find the one until he was in his 30ís. I jokingly said ďwell, here I am!Ē And he chuckled.
The next day I asked him, very nervously:
ďSo...weíre only dating eachother right?Ē
He jokingly said ďwell, you basically proposed to me yesterday...Ē
ďSo! What does that mean? Lol. Weíre only dating eachother right?Ē
ďDealĒ
ďYou promise?Ē
ďI promiseĒ

He took me to the airport for my vacation. Iím still on it! Went to EDC and now Iím SD with the family. When I get back, Seth is going to Oregon for work. Canít tell him because of dating rules lol, but I miss him. Iíve been having a blast without him ^___^ but I mostly miss cuddling with him.

Anyways. Thatís all for today. Iím done lol. Letís hope they both donít read these blogs haha!

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insecurities
Sunday. 5.13.18 5:20 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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