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Nothing says "I wish I was a secret agent" like a pair of dark aviators.

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Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
For the moment, believe it or not, I have returned. The one, the only, the MoDS.
Music to Wear Aviators To...
If a pair of mirrored aviators could play music, it would sound something like this...
I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
Sunday. 1.28.07 7:14 pm
Ladies and gentlemen, I now return from my week of insanity and absence with news of a great leap forward in our battle against the enemies of American culture.

To begin, allow me to say that I can think of few civilian institutions that epitomize my great nation more accurately than Walmart. A monument to true American capitalism, the Walmart supercenter stands tall and proud in its generically-middle-of-nowhere true American neighborhood, offering customers the best products that cheap foreign factory-labor true American industry can offer.

Last summer, while I was working at a summer camp in upstate New York, I went on a staff trip to the local Walmart for rest, relaxation and resupply (you'd be surprised how quickly one can burn through 3 cases of root beer). To this day, I can still recall the feeling of patriotic satisfaction that saturated my heart as I watched our foreign Israeli staff members step into a Walmart for the first time. As they first crossed the threshold of those large automatic doors, and first heard the exuberant "Welcome to Walmart!" salutations of the Walmart greeters, their faces were instantly overcome by glee and laughter (at us, not with us). They even took souvenir photos.

And so, it is my great honor to share with you all some great news which has recently come to my attention. My great national mascot is about to expand the scope of its business beyond the scanty limits of food, electronics, music, entertainment, hair-styling and fast-food-franchising. That's right, Walmart has announced plans to develop its own brand of wine, to be sold at $2 to $5 per bottle.

Ladies and gentlemen, our American cup truly does runeth over.

Thank you, that is all.™

PS: As much as I wish that I had thought of the title "I can't believe its not vinegar!" I'm afraid that credit for that little gem of hilarity goes to this site.

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Playstation 3 Lowlights (Not to Be Confused with "Highlights")
Tuesday. 1.23.07 8:53 pm
No time for a full entry today, but I did come across this video (in the featured video column on the left) and wound up laughing for the next hour or so. At first it seems badly cut, and a few of the jokes might only make sense to gamers. But if you sit through it... well, you just have to watch it to understand.

I knew that the PS3 hadn't done well on launch, but I hadn't realized that it was this bad. And I certainly never realized that Japanese history was so... epic?

Thank you, that is all.™

PS: "Attack its weak point for massive damage." - Words to live by.

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Attention Citizens, Do Not Be Alarmed...
Monday. 1.22.07 9:33 pm
Unfortunately, due to a week-long schedule saturated with work, I will most likely have to cut down on nuTang entries until next weekend. My mental-autocracy has officially declared a state of mental-emergency, and mental-resources have been diverted (as per psychological wartime orders) from blogging to the defense of my mental-homeland from invading mental-stress factors. Thus, the frequency of entries will be temporarily reduced.

I understand that many ManOfDarkSunglasses fans may be disturbed by news of this passing hiatus. I have not been too blind to take notice of the nuTang community's growing dependence on the stabilizing effect that my continued comedic postings have provided. However, I ask you to please avoid a general panic. Riots will accomplish nothing.

To maintain order in my semi-absence, I would advise daily doses of RandomJunk's, TheZebra's and Ranor's humorous weblog entries. I have also notified the World Health Service of the situation, and they are currently in the process of setting up a toll-free MoDS-withdrawal hotline.

Additionally, plans for ManOfDarkSunglasses public-works initiatives (such as the 50-foot-tall statue of pure gold to be constructed in my likeness) have been suspeded indefinetely. To be honest, I was never too crazy about posing nude for it anyway.

Thank you, that is all.™

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Safety Tips That the Flight Attendants Never Demonstrate
Sunday. 1.21.07 11:23 pm
How many of you have ever gotten stuck on a long flight somewhere? The kind of flight where you wind up burning through all of the reading material provided for you, in addition to that magazine you bought at the airport. How many of you have ever wound up reading those airline safety manuals in the back pocket of the seat in front of you, just for the fun of it?

And how many of you have ever wondered who the hell makes their living by drawing those horribly illustrated directions?

Because I know that I have... and a recent entry by TheZebra into the avatar contest just brought all of those memories back. Or, more specifically, it reminded me of a website I discovered a while back, dedicated to seeking out all of those amusing safety illustrated manuals and exposing them for the poorly drawn abomonations that they really are.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: AirToons...


www.AirToons.com has many more of the same, along with a new line of terrorism-safety-manual parodies. If you've got a free minute, go ahead and take a look down there.

And my personal favorite...

Thank you, that is all.™

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To All of My Fellow Futurama Fans...
Sunday. 1.21.07 8:39 am
Real blog entry to follow later tonight. But for now...
By Strk3.com

Thank you, that is all.™

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The Cuban Cigar's Confectionary Equivalent
Saturday. 1.20.07 2:14 pm

In recent years, we Americans have perfected the fast-food-franchising art of packing the maximum amount of unhealthy and unnatural deliciousness into the maximum amount of food. Japan, on the other hand (or more accurately, the Morinaga Corporation) has apparently managed to accomplish the same thing, except they've concentrated all of that edible perfection into small, bite-size pellets.

Ladies and Gentlemen, those pellets are called "Hi-chew," and they're awesome. Like a cross between starbursts and chewing gum. And believe me, I know my candy. I've grown up on candy. I'm the kind of person who would assume that a farmer hasn't grown his crops right, because his strawberries taste nothing like artificial flavors that I'm accustomed to.

But I digress. This stuff is seemingly impossible to find in New York. They're like Cuban cigars... Everybody wants them, but nobody seems to know where to find them.

Thankfully there's a dealer... Thankfully, there's a produce shop run by an Asian family near my home that sells them. So for now, I seem to have become my school's official supplier of "that Asian candy stuff..."

Thank you, that is all.

A Cuban cigar, in its natural habitat. Speaking of Cubans... I couldn't find an amusing video relating to Hi-chew or Cuban cigars (although YouTube has a ton of videos of people just sitting there, smoking them) so I got the next best thing... take a look below. And no, for those of you who are wondering, I don't smoke. I just find cigars amusing.

You have just witnessed the fall of communism.

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