Tuesday. 9.23.08 3:21 pm
Lockinglips. Making out. Smooching. Kissing. It sounds so pleasant and easy,yet do a little research and you’ll soon discover that while everyonemay be doing it, few are doing it well. For your edification, I haverounded up the different varieties of bad kissers and broken them downby the traits they share with members of the animal kingdom:
Iguana: Characterized by cool, dry lips, and a tiny pink tongue,Lizard Lips is about as arousing as, well, a small reptile crawlingaround your mouth. One victim noted, “He’d dart his tongue in and outat a million flicks per second. Kissing is supposed to get you hot, notgive you calluses.”
There is more to kissing than just shoving your tongue in and letting it lay there.
The Excitable Puppy: I don’t know who istelling these boys that there’s nothing hotter than a mid-makeouttongue bath, but I heard from a lot of sopping sisters. “He licked fromforehead to nose to chin and back again,” is how one woman describedher first kiss. “Like the way my 80-pound Labrador licks my face. Eventhough it was my first makeout sesh, I knew my companion was cursedwith bad skills.”
The Rattlesnake: You know the scenario. . . he’s cute, you’retipsy and so you lean in lay one on him and, BAM! His tongue is halfwaydown your throat, pulsing like a piston. “The tongue should flicklightly—not thrust like a video on BET,” instructs Victoria, afilmmaker who knows her way around a liplock.
The Tasmanian Devil: I was on the fence about one guy I wasdating until we had our first makeout. His kiss was like being set uponby a team of angry ferrets. A sensuous bite on the neck can be hot, buta series of sharp nips to the jawline, decidedly less so.
The Venus Flytrap: “It was like his neck was on a hinge,” Sarahrelays over cocktails. “This gave him the ability to open his mouthabout six inches.” I dated one of these too—his mouth would open sowide that he’d cover my mouth and nose, making it impossible to breath.And yes, while I realize the Venus Flytrap is not technically ananimal, it eats bugs and that’s good enough for me.
The Skunk: The breath of death was listed as a kiss-killer bymost people surveyed. “In my mind I said let me give you the number ofmy gastroenterologist, or at least a mint!” David shared via email. Inreality he said nothing to the offender—he simply never called heragain. “I’m a very polite person,” he explained.
The Possum: As you should know, there is more to kissing thanjust shoving your tongue in and letting it lay there. “The unfurling ofthe tongue, and then not moving it . . . ” Sarah shudders, toohorrified to go on. “Too much tongue is the number one component of abad kiss,” she continues. “When it fills your mouth and you feel likesome cheap bologna sandwich has been stuffed in there—that is theultimate bummer.”
Kangal Fish: Used in exotic pedicures to nibble away the deadskin on your feet and hands, the KF-style smooch is also quitecleansing. “I had a woman do this odd thing where she ran the tip ofher tongue along the face of my teeth, as if she was trying to cleanthem,” shares David, obviously on a roll. Sarah has also experiencedthis, and was neither amused nor aroused. “It reminded me of thosecheesy Pearl Drops toothpaste commercials from the ’70s.”
Heed the warnings on the video, and watch at your own risk!!!!
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Thursday. 9.18.08 4:52 pm
| ||Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:|
-The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
-The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex any where, even in the kitchen.
-The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex life has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
-The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
-The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
-The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
-And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.
LAZY PUSSY - This is when there is no movement on the woman's part >except trying to stop full thrust of the dick into the pussy. She says faster, faster but still is not putting any effort into the action at hand.
THE WENDY"S WINDOW PUSSY - This is the girl you pick up around 12:30a.m when everyone is sleeping and she knows that you are coming so she is waiting by the door. You don't have to beep the horn or call her from the car cause she knows the deal. She usually is not the best looking girl. You are never seen with this girl in public places and you hate that >she mentions your name to her friends. There is no reason to ask how your day was because it is too late for conversation. It is all agreed upon before she evens gets into the car. Nine out of ten times, there is no talk of relationship, because that might spoil the mood.
THE CONQUERED PUSSY - This is the girl who teased you for about two or three years and finally you get your chance and you please the pussy in a way it has never been pleased before. Now you have this girl calling you and wondering when ya'll can HOOK UP again. There is no pussy better then THE CONQUERED PUSSY.
THE ALL INCLUSIVE PUSSY - This when you get all the benefits of sex. The pussy is yours for the taking. Whether it is night or day, still in her church dress type pussy. The pussy smells like roses even after sex and tastes better than candy. Not only is the pussy yours whenever or wherever you want it, she give you ALL the sexual favors you can imagine. The head is tremendous, the kind that you write your niggas in jail about and she can handle the dick when you hit it from the back. To top it off, she is not scared to take it in the ass. This is in close running with THE CONQUERED PUSSY for the best pussy to ever get.
THE OUT OF TOWN PUSSY - This is the pussy you met on the last trip you and the fellas took. She only keeps in touch via email and she does not want a long distance relationship. She visits only at your discretion and always comes alone but is willing to bring a friend. She is number one when you go back to that city and only wants to have lunch to catch up on missed conversation. THE OUT OF TOWN PUSSY is necessary for the traveling single man.
THE FRUSTRATION PUSSY - This is the girl you call when you need to let some loose. You decide to call her when your day at work is miserable. You may even set this up before leaving work or on the way home. The only reason for this activity to take place is to get your mind off of other things. Afterwards you might think to yourself and say why did I just do that. The girl who is receiving the dick doesn't mind cause she doesn't get much action to begin with. THE FRUSTRATION PUSSY is sometimes THE WENDY'S WINDOW PUSSY.
THE FREQUENT FLIER PUSSY - This is the girl you know is fucking around, but you just don't care. She has lubrications that are halfway used already. She always has condom wrappers in her bathroom trash and beer in the fridge. The only reason why you keep fucking is because it's good, she's not bad looking and there could never be a relationship. It has not been proven, but she could have fucked one of the guys you use to go to school with. The pussy is not loose, but it is not THE HANDS ON THE HIPS PUSSY. I'll get to that later.....
TIME TO GO PUSSY - This is the pussy that when the pants come off her you can smell the nahh nahh! Fellas if this happens it is not even worth the two bars of soap it will take to get rid of the stench off your dick. This occurs with girls you bring home from the club, so to avoid this, take a good whiff while in the car with her or better yet invite her to take a shower with you.
THE TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT PUSSY - This is the girl everyone expects you to fuck. You haven't touched her cause she either has a big mouth, lives next door or is a close friend of the family's relative. There is also the chance that she is all three. She is cute but you know the consequences. She continues to tease you with the pussy and at any moment when the both of you are alone, she lets you know she wants to fuck. The best thing to do is fuck her friend. Last but not least.........
THE HANDS ON THE HIPS PUSSY - This is the girl that you fucked only one time cause she could not handle the dick. No matter the position you tried, she complains that it hurts. Not only is she screaming like you are murdering the woman, but she puts her hands on your hips so that you can't get your full stroke on. It's like fucking with half of your dick. She does not know the proper way to suck dick so there is no pleasure there. and doggy style to her is just Snoop's first album.
Also, you get bonus mythbuster thing:
Date: Mon, 24 May 2004 08:49:07 -0600
From: Emko Witteveen
Subject: Myth and Facts
MYTH: Sex is a good inducer of sleep.
FACT: Not always; It all depends on whether you were
completely satisfied with the sex act or not. For
example, take my friend Bill. I understand all his
women always fall asleep when they have sex with him,
usually during sex, some even during foreplay, and I
believe even his hand falls asleep during
I need a girl who's name doesn't end with .JPG.
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Friday. 9.5.08 10:46 pm
Wednesday. 9.3.08 12:04 pm
Craft Work: DIY Sex Toy
Maybe you’re broke as a joke, maybe you live in the no sex toy sales state of Alabama, maybe you’re just a crafty bitch—but no matter what the reason, you can DIY your own dildo! If our list of household sex toys wasn’t enough, according to Alix Shedd of The independent, using simple items you’ll find at your hardware store, you can tailor your own personal sex toy. Hey, if you build it, they will come! So here’s how to step up your self-love life in five simple steps…
1. Make the Mold: On top of a cardboard box, shape up some soft clay into your desired, uh, apparatus.
2. Lube and Latex It Up: Cover the clay in Vaseline. Then paint the entire thing, including a two inch radius around the bottom, with liquid latex—not fetish latex, but the stuff used for making casts. Since this type of latex takes time to dry, brush on 4-7 thin layers and feel free to use a blow dryer to help set them.
3. Good Things Come To Those Who Wait: Give it a week. Latex takes its sweet time drying, so don’t break it before you make it. We know it’s difficult to be patient when you’ve got ants in your pants, but chill and let this stuff set.
4. Silicone Doesn’t Just Engorge Boobs: Okay, so now that you’ve got your mold ready, cut a hole in your box the width of your toy. Then, put it through the hole—not yours, yet, the one in the box—and tape it down. Next, using a caulking gun, slide the silicone in slowly so there are no air bubbles. Also, make sure you’ve got 100% silicone, which usually comes in clear or white and, on rare, lucky occasions, in other colors. Just double check there are no other chemical additives in the silicone you’ve selected. Then let your d--k in a box set for a day.
5. Try It On For Size: Twenty-four-hours later, that beauty’s ready to bust out of its box! Slip the silicone out of the reusable mold and enjoy all your hard work.
Everybody’s talking about British psychoanalyst Brett Kahr’s meaty new tome, Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head?, based on the largest study of sexual fantasies ever undertaken. Not surprisingly, sex in public ranks high up there. This very important research prompted me to take an oh-so-romantic walk down memory lane to reflect on what were the worst, and best outside of the bedroom sex experiences my slutty self (and “friends”) have indulged in. Some were hot, and a few may illustrate why the best sex is sometimes confined to the sack.
The beach—Making out against a spectacular sunset backdrop, while the tide sexily ebbs and flows, may very well may be one of the most overrated do it settings, and should probably be confined to the corny Hollywood drivel this scenario shows up in again and again. Trust me, this kind of sex will not only mess up a cute bikini, but… Well, let me put it like this. Two words: Sand crotch. However, I bring it up because doing it in the water is terribly underrated. I think people balk because they think the salt water is going to sting their nether regions or something, but the time I went for it, nothing of the sort happened. Instead, the rhythm of the waves provided the perfect gravity-defying platform for face-to-face sex, plus it was thrilling to know that amidst all the people on the beach, we were being terribly naughty, fully getting off, and they had no idea.
The bar bathroom—Every lush in the world has faced the possibility of this occurring, and if you’re a real certified drunk like me, well, let’s just say it can be fun. The key to um, “fulfilling” bathroom sex is total inebriation (although, that scene in Unfaithful when Diane Lane’s character screws her hot young boy toy in the coffee shop is ridiculously hot, no?). The reason booze helps seal this deal is that a) the bathroom is likely disgusting and you have to be shot enough to overlook all the urine on the floor, and b) if you are in a crowded bar, people will be trying to knock the door down while you’re getting drilled up against the wall, and you and yours have to be wasted enough to not give a crap and use those drunken blinders to concentrate on the task at hand. Bonus if your guy is a premature ejaculator, because really, you don’t have much time. Generally when people in bars have to go, they have to go, and if you’re in there too long, a bouncer will show up, kick the door in, and kick your deviant ass out to the curb. It’s so embarrassing.
In a skirt at a party/restaurant/sporting event—Ah, practically the pinnacle of public sex, the old sit on a guy’s lap while he stuffs you beneath your skirt. Word to the wise: This really only works if you are wearing a long, flowing, preferably black skirt or dress, and once again, it’s best if it’s late-ish and you can count on the fact that others in your midst are semi-sauced enough to not notice you riding and/or bouncing on someone’s crotch. I’m gonna give this one a thrill factor of eight out of 10 though, because trying to look and act like you’re not having an orgasm results in a real winner on the Richter, especially if you’re surrounded by a roaring crowd. I’m getting’ flashbacks just thinking about it.
In a tent while camping with others—I’ve had plenty of sex in tents, both of the camping variety and the kind you make out of sheets and chairs in your living room when you’re bored. But I can’t say I was altogether prepared on my last camping trip when the tent next to me, home to a late 50-something couple, started rockin, (the last thing I wanted to do was go knockin). I’m not sure what moves they were practicing in there, but the whole tent was shaking, they were moaning, and my friend and I couldn’t help but crack up. After the immature laughter subsided, we became awestruck. I was like, “Good for them,” and developed a whole new respect for them when they cheerily served up breakfast the next morning. Addendum: Sex in the great outdoors can be good times. A photographer ex and I experienced a fabulous romp during a nude photo shoot starring moi, where he attacked me over a pile of pinecones. Sure, maybe it sounds painful, but believe you me, the call of the wild outweighs the discomfort.
The basement—While researching this article, I propositioned my domestic partner: “What’s the one room in this house where we haven’t done it?” I asked him. Without hesitation, he replied, “The basement.” I cocked an eyebrow, sexily, I hoped. “Well, what are we waiting for?” “Hold up,” he said, “Is this article about sex outside of the bedroom, or really, really uncomfortable sex?” ‘Nuff said. I sighed, then ravished him atop our good old-fashioned bed.
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