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Memores acti prudentes futuri

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A few words
"When we describe the Moon as dead, we are describing the deadness in ourselves. When we find space so hideously void, we are describing our own unbearable emptiness."
~ D.H. Lawrence

"Is the meaning of life defined by its duration? Or does life have a purpose so large that it doesn't have to be prolonged at any cost to preserve its meaning?"

"Living is not good, but living well. The wise man, therefore, lives as well as he should, not as long as he can... He will always think of life in terms of quality not quantity... Dying early or late is of no relevance, dying well or ill is... even if it is true that while there is life there is hope, life is not to be bought at any cost."
~ Seneca

"People will tell you nothing matters, the whole world's about to end soon anyway. Those people are looking at life the wrong way. I mean, things don't need to last forever to be perfect."
~ Daydream Nation

"All Bette's stories have happy endings. That's because she knows where to stop. She's realized the real problem with stories-- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death."
~ The Sandman: Preludes & Nocturnes

"The road now stretched across open country, and it occurred to me - not by way of protest, not as a symbol, or anything like that, but merely as a novel experience - that since I had disregarded all laws of humanity, I might as well disregard the rules of traffic. So I crossed to the left side of the highway and checked the feeling, and the feeling was good. It was a pleasant diaphragmal melting, with elements of diffused tactility, all this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong site of the road."
~ Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
~ William Blake
Online Radio

More Fun Shtuff
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Kill that boredom!
Binder Paper Comics

Web Comics and Such
A Distant Soil (Some nudity)
The Adventures of Gyno-Star (Some explicit stuff)
Axe Cop
Basic Instructions
Bear Nuts

Blue Milk Special
Cigarro & Cerveja
Conspiracy Friends!
Crunchy Bunches

Curia Regis
Cyanide and Happiness
dead winter (has some explicit stuff)
Devilbear: The Grimoires of Bearalzebub (PG-13?)
Diesel Sweeties
Dumm Comics
Eat That Toast!
The End
Evil Diva
Evil Inc.
Existential Comics
The Fancy Adventures of Jack Cannon
For Lack of a Better Comic
Forming (Explicit)

Girls with Slingshots (some explicit stuff...?)
The Intrepid Girlbot
JBabb Comics
The Last Halloween
Last Train to Old Town
The League of Evil Genius

Legend of Bill
Living With Insanity (some nudity)
Love Me Nice
Married to the Sea
Meaty Yogurt
Medium Large
The Meek
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Moth (Some nudity)
Mr. Lovenstein
Muddlers Beat

Natalie Dee
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Out There
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Robbie and Bobby
Rosscott, Inc.
Safely Endangered
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Serenity Rose
Stand Still. Stay Silent
Stinking Hellebore
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Three Word Phrase (some nudity)
Tiny Kitten Teeth
Toothpaste for Dinner
Trying Human (Some nudity)
Two Guys and Guy

Wilde Life
Yellow Peril (PG-13)

Infrequently/No Longer Updating Web Comics
The Abominable Charles Christopher
The Adventures of Dr. McNinja
The Adventures of Ellie Connelly
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Chain Bear (Some explicit stuff)
Daisy is Dead
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Edmund Finney's Quest to Find the Meaning of Life
A Fine Example
Finn and Charlie are HITCHED

Green Wake
Gun Show
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Kyle & Atticus
Lesbian Pirates from Outer Space
Letters to a Wild Boar
Lovecraft is Missing

Meat and Plastic
Minimalism Sucks
Moon Town
The Nerds of Paradise
No Reason Comics
One Swoop Fell
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Roy's Boys (PG 13?)
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Ugly Girl
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Pure Flash Awesomeness
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Die Anstalt : Toy Psychiatry
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Clients from Hell
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Damn You Auto Correct!
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Passive Aggressive Notes
Never-ending headache
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
I've had a headache for like seven or eight hours.

Sometimes it feels like I've just had a continuous headache for the past few months. The pain increases and decreases, but it's almost always there.

Sometimes I rub my temples or put pressure on the areas around my eyes, and that hurts too, but in a more tolerable way. Pressing hard on my temples makes it feel slightly less unpleasantly painful, but it also makes me feel nauseous.

It's so hard to care about almost anything else when I can't seem to make these headaches stop.


Kyle and I have been talking a bit more recently, and it's nice. I miss when we used to talk every day. I guess that was a really long time ago now, though. It used to feel like he knew me better than anybody, for better or worse. I think he still knows me in a different way than most of my other friends. Nobody else has really been around as long as he has.

We talked about potentially taking a trip together at some point, but haven't really gotten many details down. Most of the places I want to go that are easier to plan trips for are places I've already been to, like New York. I do want to go to Europe as well, but it's kind of outside my price range. Kyle said he could cover some travel costs for me, but Europe is a bit too much. Maybe we could do Canada or something, though. Or Hawaii? He's never been to Hawaii with me. I guess maybe he'd rather go somewhere neither of us has been yet. Might be cool to go along the East Coast, since I haven't really seen much of it. There's also Carlsbad Caverns down in New Mexico, which he said he would take me to years ago but never did.


This headache is making me feel sick. I just want it to go away. Ibuprofen doesn't really help enough, though, and the only other thing I have is generic Excedrin, and that has caffeine in it. It's too late at night to take something with caffeine... Maybe I'll just try to go to sleep. I'm staying in a big fancy cabin near Tahoe with my extended family though, and I have to share a room with my cousin and this other girl from China that my aunt invited. Makes it a bit of a hassle to get ready for bed, because I have to be really careful to be quiet and not disturb them.

Headache is making it almost impossible to focus on anything and it makes me want to scream and hit my head against something until I lose consciousness and can't feel it anymore. Not that I would ever do that... All my energy is going into trying not to take it out on the people around me. Limiting my interactions with them seems like the easiest way so far.

I don't want to live with these constant headaches. Maybe I need to drink more water.. ugh...

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Spotify recommended this to me
Sunday, December 18, 2016
"Golden Hour" by Prince Innocence.

The sensualities
A last moment is lost on me

I'm not sure if those are the right lyrics.

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Saturday, December 17, 2016
I keep getting random feelings like I'm being stabbed by needles in isolated places.

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Some pictures I've taken since I got home
Friday, December 16, 2016
Meat... substance.

I don't feel like anything I say will contribute to this picture.

I got some new shoes that are supposed to be water-repellent.

They are a little cumbersome to put on (can't just slip them on like my other shoes, I have to actually undo all the laces and loosen them the whole way down), but I like them a lot.

The past few days, I haven't had much of an appetite. I ate... a cookie, a pear, a piece of bread, and four small pickles today. Kind of need to lose weight after pigging out so much at school, though. I kept getting dessert just because it was there. >_> Really bad habit.

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Tuesday, December 13, 2016
I got a C on one of my final assignments for class... My final grade for that class ended up being a B+, which I guess is... sort of... well... almost acceptable. I don't know if "acceptable" is even the right word. It feels so mild. I feel like I need something that conveys more of a vibe of "I'm on the edge of sanity right now but I'm balanced very carefully on that cliff and I don't think this is necessarily going to be the single thing that pushes me over."

Surprisingly I got a 96% on the other final assignment for the class, even though I was far more worried about that one.

I don't know, I don't feel like I have it in me to care that much. I haven't had a B+ in seven years and it doesn't even feel real. But... I know I didn't do well this quarter. This was the worst school quarter I've had in memory. At least at St. John's the work was just dumb and easy. My problems there didn't have much to do with my assignments.

In brighter news, I got an A on one of my finals for a different class... So that was a relief. The B+ class is the one I hated, anyway. Considering I pretty much had lost the motivation to try, I guess I didn't do badly.

This came up on Spotify, and I tend to skip this song a lot, but it seems better tonight.

"Comedown" by Bush.

There is no blame, only shame
When you beg you just complain
The more I come, the more I try
All police are paranoid
So am I, so's the future
So are you, be a creature
What do you say, do you do, when it all comes down?

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I can't make up my mind about my hair :( [2P]
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Wednesday, December 7, 2016
The quarter is finally over. Now I get a few weeks to rest, and then I have to go back and suffer through another ~10 weeks of school before the next break...

I got a ride from a girl in my cohort because she lives in the Bay Area too, and we drove here over the course of two days. There was snow in the mountains for about half of the drive. I took some pictures of it when we were driving by, but I'm not sure how well they came out. I'm also too tired to upload them at the moment.

It feels really nice to be home, but I also feel kind of weird and spacey, that sort of slightly groggy surreal feeling I used to get all the time after taking a very late nap.

I am listening to this and I feel like it fits my mood.

"Chameleon" by Trentemøller.

Boyfriend didn't come with me, and he's sad and misses me. :( I'm sad that he's sad. I hope he feels better soon. I asked him tonight if he wanted to Skype or talk on the phone, but he never replied... I dunno, I guess maybe he fell asleep or something.

I've been pretty bad at keeping up with blogging recently, but I think it's nicer when I do write on a more frequent basis. Maybe I'll have more energy to write tomorrow.

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Blogging as an excuse to avoid writing papers
Saturday, December 3, 2016
"Someone Great" by LCD Soundsystem.

The worst is all the lovely weather
I'm stunned it's not raining
The coffee isn't even bitter
Because what's the difference?

I think these lines do a good job of capturing that feeling of incredulity at the indifference of the environment when something that feels life-shattering happens. It seems senseless that everything else could go on as normal, that the sun could still be shining, that people could be smiling and laughing as if nothing had changed. Of course, nothing changed for them, and of course, you can tell yourself that in rational terms, but it doesn't resolve that emotional feeling of utter injustice at how little notice the world takes of you.

Anyway, that isn't something I feel is particularly relevant to me right now. Just something I've felt in the past that this song reminded me of.

The quarter is almost over... I just need to do three more papers and a presentation and it's done. I can't wait for it to end, I just want to go home and not be here. Not that being here is utterly intolerable... it helps to have my boyfriend as company... but I miss home a lot. Everything feels less comfortable here.

Last night several people were messaging me, so I was managing a few different conversations at once. Boyfriend wanted to watch a show together before going to sleep (he has work today), and it seemed like there was some kind of tension there, because I was dividing up my attention instead of being there with just him. We did end up watching the show after I wrapped up the conversations I was having, but it left me wondering what can be done to resolve that. It's important to me to keep in touch with people, but I'm not always sure how to balance that with romantic relationships. I remember that when my third ex used to come over, I'd often be chatting with people, and would ask him to wait a bit for me to finish. At the time, those people online were the only people I really thought of as my friends, because I didn't have people to hang out with other than my third ex. Maybe I just have social needs that can't be fulfilled by my romantic partner. That doesn't seem abnormal, though... I know some people kind of detach themselves from their friendships when they have a partner, and they just spend all their time with the partner, but I don't think I can do that. I always want to know what the other people in my life are up to.

Maybe it's just curiosity, I don't really know. A girl I went to middle school with recently posted a screenshot saying we should have middle school reunions, and she tagged me in it. I barely know any of the other people she tagged in it anymore, although we were all friends back in eighth grade, but I wouldn't mind getting together and catching up. Just curious to see what everyone is up to, and how things have changed. There's never enough time to get to know other people, though. Too many responsibilities and things in the way.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just nosy, but that concept is fairly foreign to my experience. I know what it means in theory, but it's not really something that I've encountered, I guess. Most of what I remember from growing up was that everyone was a bit distant and didn't care to know too much about anyone else. It has generally been very surprising to me when someone shows interest in someone else's life.

I'm just procrastinating by writing this, so I'm going to try to work on my stuff now.

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