Actually,
getting some perspective will be free (and on Nutang potentially getting paid), but you know what they say, "Time is Money". So, I will invest myself once more in writting out my thoughts. Maybe I'm missing something. I'm sure I'm missing something.
I've become a static character in my life.

Lots has happened and nothing has happened.

I spoke with an old friend, decided that dropping out was the best course for me.
I felt content and at peace for a bit.
Talked to my mom and convinced me not to.
Got an $8000 loan.
Felt trapped.
Failed all my classes.
Didn't take the defensive driver's course.
There's a possible warrant out for my arrest because of it.
Have grown to hate Malleus and keep him around simply for sadistic reasons.
Broke my toe.
Started working at Cinemark movie theaters.
Got pissed off because no one there did their jobs.
Filed a complaint after the first night I worked there.
Quit that same week.
Didn't get paid until a month later.
Don't have a job.
I'm $10,000 in debt.
I'm taking classes via online from a community college in Fort Worth.

So, basically I'm screwed. Deeply.

I don't know what to do.
Don't know where to turn.
Have no clue if I even care anymore.
My anger issues remain and now that I'm arround more "friends" I'm worried how often I'll snap. I've already snapped about three times. Almost evicted my roommate because of it.
There's one main rule in regards to me:
Do not wake me up under any circumstances other than life threatening emergencies.
Everyone knows this. Those who disregarded the warning are no longer in my life or are incredibly aware of the seriousness of this rule.


I'm a differen't kind of person, I know.
I do not expect people to understand me nor sympathize with me.
I simply am and write what's ture.

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What's wrong with me?

Why does love avoid me? Nay, it flees in terror. It only stays when it's not wanted. As if to taunt me. It's causing me to react in ways that aren't good.
I now feel the need to act distant and apathetic in order to keep who or what I love around. I fear that once my love is exposed, whatever it is will dissapear.
And how does this tie in to everything else going on?
I know it does SOMEHOW. It's got to. Otherwise I wouldn't be having similar responses with everything else.
It all seems like one step forward and two steps back.
School, home, church.
What does this all mean God?


P.S. Being seen as a puritan insulted me. Simultaneously, I completely understood why. However, all I know is that I feel I should be able to rant about God on here without being seen as a puritan. Especially after much of the negative things they did. Frankly, a main distinction between me and a puritan is faith. I lack it. In large amounts. Unless that isn't clear enough in all my pessimistic posts. The reason why I believe in God is mostly logical. It makes all the sense in the world. I have a tendency to over-analyze EVERYTHING. In doing so, as a child/young adult/teenager/up until now, I have come to the conclusion over and over again that a godless world is impossible. Utterly impossible. And having faith in God is almost as silly as having faith that everything exists simply because it became so for no apparent reason. So, next time you feel like saying something offensive, please just call me any of the following TRUE insults:
- crazy
- psycho
- freak
- weirdo
- dude with an immeasureable amount of issues
- asshole
- jerk
- douche
- dick
There are more to this list, but I hope this list will suffice for now.

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