Harsh Light of Day
Tuesday. 1.29.08 7:10 pm
Thursday. 1.24.08 5:22 am
I have a knot on the back of my right shoulder that comes and goes.
I guess I've been a little stressed as of late. I feel like a fugitive again. Will my own home ever trully be my own home? I don't feel like I can walk around and do whatever I want. I have to concern myself with my inconsiderate roommate and now I even have to be "considerate" of my downstairs neighbor otherwise it sounds like I'm re-arranging furniture when I'm simply walking from on side of the room to the other. Granted both my neighbor and roommate are my "friends", but still...
And I'm kicking her out. I don't know when. I don't know how. I don't know if she even knows about it yet or not. Chris probably blabbed to her about it already. I hate that prick. He calls me an asshole and heartless when I simply joke about people, exagerate certain things, and spout the blatant honest truth, unlike the rest of society. However, he's the one who talks about people behind their backs frequently and scrutinizes everything one does. He even tried to make me feel bad about college. "So, when do YOU graduate, Aldo? What are you on? The ten year plan? How many do you even HAVE?" I said that I WAS on the ten year plan, that I honestly don't know how many hours I have, and that I'm not even sure if I WANT to finish college. Mr. Greater-than-thou simply sneered at unphased remarks. Oh by the way. He is the THIRD Catholic to tell me that I'm going to hell for converting. I'm not sure if I'll EVER think highly of that religion. Call me whatever you will, but I frankly just hate religion all together. You can't make rules and regulations on Love and one's immortal soul. God's much bigger than that. The most religion can do is gather together like-minded people to worship the same God and grow closer to Him. But obviously Chris doesn't think so. Someone who is attracted to their own sex shouldn't be condemning others, is all I have to say.
Nevertheless, I need to Hanna that she needs to move out.
I was in the middle of discussing this with Helena, but I never finished. I hardly ever do. I have a horrible memory and often forget. She never brings up the conversations, either. Frankly, I don't think she cares all that much, despite what she says.
Friendships just muddle everything up.
I shouldn't have lived with a friend, especially a female friend.
I shoudln't have gotten friends to live downstairs, especially if one of them is Chris.
But I just can't do this anymore. I don't care who likes and doesn't like Hanna. I need her out. She is now a single female and I am a single male. It won't work. ESPECIALLY the way Grunkalunka (Hanna) works... Even homosexual Chris couldn't escape from the desperate claws of Hanna's sexual appetite (not to mention her low self esteem and lack of self control). Granted, nothing happened, but there isn't much that CAN happen between a female and a homosexual male. Too much is at risk with me living with Hanna. Even if it's just her bothering me perpetually. The bad thing about this girl is that she doesn't get the clue. Heck. I even have friends who've nick-named her my "rapist". A few years ago the only reason why I would do things with her on a few occassions, was simply to just get her off me and let me go to sleep. Granted a was bit screwed up at the time. Maybe even more than any of y'all have ever seen me. But there's more to it than just the female issue, so don't go thinking I'm some crazy conservative here or anything. There's a long list of other valid reasons that I just honestly don't wan to go into. Mostly just typical roommate stuff. Doesn't clean. Has cats that pee EVERYWHERE. Doesn't respect my sleeping hours. You know, typical bad roommate crap.
On a side note, but related subject.
I need a job.
My dad isn't really helping me out, but let's not play that tired out song.
Point is that without a job I can't really afford much of anything right now. Everyone wants me to concentrate on college, but how CAN I when I'm racing around Denton trying to find ANY kind of work. With all the excess amounts of ready-minded, bright, sunny, cheery, focused, young students searching for jobs in Denton as well, how can ANYONE find a decent job?! If I had a job I certainly wouldn't be worrying about when I should kick out Hanna. Or whether I'm going to get arrested or not every time I go driving. (Unpaid traffic ticket. I knew you would ask.) Maybe if I had a job I could also go down to Fort Worth more often. Do more for the youth. More for my mom...
I don't want to talk about this much. Or at all, really.
The cancer levels are going down. But the tumors are growing. And there may be something in her lungs. They saw two spots in the lungs in the last CT Scan.
Explain that to me. I'm not sure I'm following.
Actually, don't explain it to me...
Who knows. I may even have to go through this one day or another.
Maybe even sooner than anyone thinks.
On a happy note. sorta There's a wedding and I'm invited!
I got a letter from her. I still love her. But I'm so happy for her. She's finally getting everything she ever really wanted.
I'm thinking about going. It'll tear me to pieces. Half of me will be the happiest I could ever be, while the other half will be thinking that Sweenie Todd was a lighter happier story than mine.
But you know what Willie Shakespeare says, "Let no one who loves be unhappy... even love unreturned has its rainbow."
If I'll be saddened it won't be because of our past, so much as where we are now. She's off achieving her well deserved dreams (much like the rest of my friends) while I sit here in little nothing-ville reaching for no stars. Achieving nothing but the deluding of my character. This isn't some pity party, by the way. Pity parties are meant for guests to come and liven the party. Maybe even bring a bit of cheer to what otherwise would simply be the host sitting alone in a pile of food, drink, and decorations. No. I have sent no invites and will entertain no guests. This is merely me presenting things for the way they are and probably will be.
I end on that bitter and sour note.
I have no intentions but to express myself. And what more true way to leave then to have you taste a bit of what I live.
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