I wonder what would happen if I let my heart feel something for him. I wonder how it would feel if I just flat out said "let's try this". I wonder if this is how love is supposed to start, not out of lust or pure attractiveness, but through understanding and hearing each other. I wonder if I mean anything more to him than my title or close friend, and I wonder if I would feel more if I really just let myself feel it.

But as usual, I am scared. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to get hurt. Many people say confidence attracts guys. But I don't feel that I should have confidence. Last time I did, it bit me in the butt, and my heart was broken into a million pieces.

Oh well, I'll just see where life takes us.

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I understand I am very young. But I am tired. I am tired of living the way I used to. I'm sick of trying and resisting what I want to do with my life. I understand that what I want for myself is nothing compared to the greatness God has for me. I get it, I really, really do. But at this age, I guess I am rebelling. I am rebelling in the weirdest of ways. I rebelled and drank my heart out until I puked, or felt like I was living life large "because yolo". I rebelled and stopped being plugged into a church for a good four months. I rebelled and decided that I will trust society's view of me as being ultimate truth. I rebelled and saw every single flaw in other people, and magnified my own flaws to tell myself I am not good enough.

And even as I sit here, realizing how stupid my rebellion is, I can't help but hold on to it.

I can't help it, because I still have to face all of the facts. I face the fact that I am undesirable by anyone I have a slight interest in. I face the fact that society DOES tell me I am a three on the one-to-ten scale. I face the fact that no matter how much I do, I am still not enough for anyone to realize my potential. I am weaker than anyone I know. I put up a front as if I'm fine. As if my relationship with God is genuinely something I am working on. I put up a front that I can handle my alcohol intake (but I obviously can't). And I put up a front as if I can do both without feeling guilty, sorry, or disgusting. But I am a complete and utter mess. I am the biggest mess that no one can fix. No tangible being can fix this. But He can, and He wants to. But He can't fix it until I give him the go. He can't fix it until I let him back in.

Four months, going on five, He has been totally shut out. And even if my heart is heavy and I feel like I can't go on, I am too stubborn to let it all go. Love from a significant other can't fix this (although it would probably help). No friend with the right words or deeds can help me out of this rut; and no mentor can tell me where to go or what to do. It's my choice. It's my choice. It's my choice.

So what is my choice? I can't wait forever, because I don't think I can stand feeling like this. I have to choose. Heck, I know which to choose. But why, why oh why, is it so hard?

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