For no discernible reason, I suddenly felt sick today and had to walk as quickly as I could manage to the bathroom in order to throw up. I just made it through the door and ended up throwing up thrice in the sink. Luckily it was mostly liquid, so it went down the drain without too much trouble... A lady came in to clean right after I finished vomiting, and she asked if I was okay and if I needed her to call Public Safety for me. I told her I felt better after throwing up, and I couldn't go to get checked out right now because I had class in an hour, but I appreciated the thought. Meanwhile, there was another girl who was there pretty much the whole time I was throwing up, and she never even paused to look at me.

I realize it's not exactly proper to form assumptions based on just two examples, but I'm really starting to wonder if there's just something wrong with the students at this school.

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A couple days ago, I was walking to school and I passed a girl. She had a blank expression for the most part, but she smiled slightly when we briefly made eye contact while passing each other, and it felt nice.

Today after my class, I sat outside and rolled around some baoding balls that my boyfriend gave me in my hand. I listened to the chime noises they made, and to the air around me. It seemed strange that there was so little noise from human activity, considering that I was on a school campus where lots of people were. Mostly I heard the wind and some little bird chirps. I also touched a cattail, which I'm not sure I've done before. It felt... not really like cat fur, but sort of soft, but with a slight roughness to it. It felt familiar, but I couldn't place it.

It was nice to sit by myself and not have anywhere to be or anything to do (at least, not immediately).

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"Sweetness" by Jimmy Eat World.

If you're listening, are you listening?
If you're listening, are you listening?
Sing it back
If you're listening, are you listening?
I'm still running away
I'm still running away
Won't play your hide and seek game
I was spinning free
With a little sweet and simple numbing me
What a dizzy dance
The sweetness will not be concerned with me
No the sweetness will not be concerned with me

This song is giving me a sense of saudade right now... It reminds me of sleeping on my mattress on the floor of my room when I was 13 and we were preparing to paint my walls. My radio was on the pink shelf that used to come out of the wall next to my closet, and I spent a lot of time lying under it and listening to Channel 104.9. I still had Ducky, Romeo, and Stormy, although Stormy died that winter from overheating. Romeo almost died too, and it was my fault for putting the cage too close to the heater overnight. I didn't want them to be cold, but I ended up killing one of my birds instead. It's a painful memory to reflect on.

They're all gone, now, all my birds... I try not to blame myself for their deaths, but sometimes I don't succeed. At least I don't blame myself for Romeo. I did everything that I could for him, and he lived almost eleven years. A long time for a pet budgie.

I miss him so much. I wonder if I'll ever be able to stop grieving.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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From Boiling Energy by Richard Katz:

A short time later, it hits me, a direct and terrifying realization. I am in an enormous oven, baking beyond what I have learned to experience, with no release into cool. Nowhere in this open, arid land, with its tall walk-through grasses, scrubby bushes, and scattered trees covering the flat, sandy ground, nowhere is the cool I knew. Shade, yes, shade enough. But the sun-heat lingers on, drifting only slightly diminished under shade branches. I am in the oven of that land, and there is no way out. Terror is of no breathing space. Terror is of dying.

I'm supposed to be reading various chapters of this book for class, but I was struck by this quote. It feels like something I understand very deeply right now. The things I am used to, the things that I had all my life, those are inaccessible to me right now. There are only faint shadows resembling what I had.

I guess it might seem like an odd comparison, considering that I'm in pretty much the opposite environment from what is described here, but it all feels so open and exposed, bare and unprotected. My room doesn't feel like a safe haven because it's similarly bare and lacking in comforts I would have at home.

---

Yesterday I saw a squirrel running up some stairs at school, and for some reason it felt like one of the most important things I noticed that day. I pointed it out to the classmate who was walking with me, but I'm not sure if she heard me or saw it.

---Edit---

Oh yeah, these are the rain boots I got last weekend.

I have been wearing them every day.

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I think I had a bad dissociation episode yesterday. It felt like reality was disintegrating, and almost everything seemed entirely incomprehensible. Luckily it only lasted a short while, but I felt extremely dazed and disoriented during it, and it happened during class. >_>

During the episode, I had thoughts of giving up on my current situation and going and living with my parents forever, as some kind of pathetic NEET too fragile to deal with the stresses of adult life. I don't think my parents would accommodate that, though, and I don't think I could bear the shame of it anyway. When I left St. John's, I had at least a general plan for the future. This would be different. I can't allow myself to be a failure. It would be better to die, if those were the only two choices.

I am lucky to have a boyfriend who is so supportive of me and considerate of the context of my life right now. Although I still worry about how my issues are affecting us, his reassurance and faith in me do make it easier to deal with things.

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Got the blood test results back, and they showed that I'm anemic, so I'm taking iron supplements now. Hopefully that clears things up. I'm supposed to take them with vitamin C either an hour before or two hours after eating a meal. Since I don't have a set meal time, I'm not sure I always manage to take them within the right time frame, but I hope that doesn't impact their effectiveness much.

I started a list of restaurants I want to try with my boyfriend awhile ago, and we're going to start going to them once he gets his paycheck this week, so that's something to look forward to. So much food around here... It's gonna take us awhile to try everything. I don't know if we ever will, either, because we keep finding new things to add to the list, and we only have so much time and stomach space.

There's a get together happening with my cohort and the second year cohort tonight, so I'll get to meet the second years and hang out with people from school. I'm interested to see what the second years are like, since I haven't really had any contact with them yet. The guy hosting the event has a cat at his house, though, so I hope that doesn't negatively affect me. I'm still not sure if I'm actually allergic to cats or not, but it's not something I'm keen on experimenting with.

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"Stop Talking" by Memory Tapes.


I've been listening to a lot of Grimes and the Mortal Kombat theme recently, but this song is also nice.

Last night my boyfriend was brushing his teeth, and I looked over at him and was suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of giddy excitement. I had to turn away to keep myself from giggling uncontrollably. I don't really know why it happened, because most of the time I can look at him without feeling like I'm in high school again, sneaking furtive glances at my crush. This morning I felt pretty cuddly too, but he had to leave for work. I feel like I just want to snuggle up to him in bed and stay there all day. @[email protected]

I don't know where this is coming from. We didn't see each other for a few days this week, so maybe... absence makes the heart grow fonder? I don't have a lot of experience with not-long-distance relationships, so I'm kind of still figuring things out.

Yesterday I walked to a health clinic to do a blood draw for some lab work. When I went to the health center on Monday, they did an EKG on me, but it didn't show anything. The person who checked me out there wants to see if the blood test shows something thyroid-related.

Walking to the clinic only took about half an hour, but I felt terrible by the time I got there. Really lightheaded, and my head was pounding. My heart was also racing, and I tried to take deep breaths to slow it down, but it didn't help. During class in the afternoon, I had some of the same problems even though I was just sitting down the whole time, and I also felt fairly nauseous for the second hour of class. I got dinner after it ended, but felt too sick to eat anything for a few more hours. It felt pretty crappy, and I half-jokingly told my boyfriend over Facebook that I just wanted to lay my head on his lap and complain about how terrible I felt, which is why he came over last night. He's such a sweetheart. >.>

I did miss him though, aside from wanting him to be here so someone would attend my pity party. It feels silly, since I just saw him on like... Sunday morning? and there really aren't that many days between Sunday and Wednesday.

Oh my goodness, I just feel like I love him so much right now that I don't know what to do with myself.

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