I know I should not feel this way. But I do. I am solemn, alone, restless. I can do nothing but contemplate how my life is and the successes I have thus achieved; but with each success comes a price. I wake myself each day to a beautiful world, full of things beyond my everyday perception. Yet I feel alone. But I know I'm not. I have the love and support of my family, and some of the best friends I could ask for. Yet I feel alone. At least right now I do.
I ask myself why I feel this way. It's quite simple now that I think about it. My trust has been broken. And I have broken trust. It's a double standard that I cannot overlook. I made mistakes and did my best to grow from them. Yet here I am, feeling sorrow, sadness; an arduous night will definitely follow, although I know I have all the support I need.
My mental emotional struggles bind me to where I almost can't breathe. I feel pain when I should feel happiness. Anger rises when I know it should not. It's not worth it I tell myself. Yet here I am, angry for what has happened.
Broken faith has lead me into this path that I trace with my fingertips each day I rise. Friendships I thought would live with me for the rest of my life have died. And along with them my trust in those I once truly cared for. Now a simple image of them spurns a lifetime of torment and a burning desire to know why. Is this what you all wanted? An enemy? An adversary?
I will not let any of you get the best of me. Because none of you deserve any recognition for the infinite possibilities our once fruitful friendships held. Apathy is all you will get from me this day forward. Nothing more.
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College commenced Monday. And for the most part, if not completely, I am satisfied with my current schedule. It's actually quite refreshing to get back in tune with my brain. There isn't really anything special that has happened within these past couple of days, although I should mention that it was HOT LIKE FIRE yesterday. And it wasn't even just a little toasty, it was 'I'm going to put a live turkey on the sidewalk and it will turn into Thanksgiving dinner faster than you can say rawr' kind of hot.
Parking on campus has eased up a bit from past semesters; most of my classes are within reasonable walking distance between eachother, and they are all located within the same vicinity (at the back of the campus), so I park at the back. Good thing too, because if that wasn't there, then I would have to be leaving my house at least an hour and a half before my classes started to try to find an okay parking space.
My books aren't ridiculously high, but the one that does pain me is my economics book, which at $96 isn't much compared to what other students have to pay for, but it is still $96 dollars nonetheless. So to save some money, I went to the library and made copies of the more important pages of the book, but I do know that I will eventually have to buy the book regardless.
On my way out of the library, I went to see what times the library was in public operation, and Rain and Kat were sitting on some cement blocks to my right. We chatted for a bit, caught up on what little things we could converse about at the time, and yeah. It was a refreshing experience for the most part. I haven't seen either for months so it was almost like a 'long time no see stranger' feeling. As I was leaving, Rain decided to come along and see the car I drove for the day. We chatted up a storm on the way, and right in front of it, just catching up on life in general; the nuances and the more incompetent, ignorant, stupid and just plain idiotic people that unfortuneately still do not know the meaning of life. But then again, I'M NOT SUPRISED AT ALL. Just even thinking about it makes me cringe. I feel sorry for them. I do. Not even the loss of life can change them. Pathetic.
But whatever, I will never let that siht down. I know God knows best and he has his ways in everything that we do, so I consider this a prelude. A prelude of better things to come. But until then, I will continue living my life as it was my last.
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