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August 8th. *password* read+decide abt sharing pw
Thursday. 8.9.07 7:55 pm

I don't like it when you're not happy with me. I can't sleep or eat or anything if you're mad at me. I cry when you're mad at me, because you don't see me for who I am and keep being angry at me anyway even thgouh I dont want you angry. I do anything to stop you from being angry at me. I just want my mommy.

It hurts to know my mommy doesn't believe in me, she doesn't know if I'm good or bad. It really hurts to think that if it came to a murder trial and the prosecutor asks, "You're her mother, Do YOU think she did it?" You would say, "She could have. She might have."

Remember when Yang Jie told me, "Tell you mom everything, because she's the only one--" She got cut off there. And sometimes I wonder what she would have said. "...she's the only one who will stick by you/believe in you/(always) love you."? I don't know. And it hurts to think that maybe that isn't true for you.

It hurts that you think so low of me. Even when you are 'complimenting' me, you're still yelling at me at the same time. It hurts that you don't listen, you don't care. I just want a mommy. I never did anything irrepsonsibly or whatnot. I'm not like the normall teenagers and it hurts that you dont even see this. I'm a lot more mature than they are and so very different, but it means nothing to you because it's coming from me. There isn't even anyone out there who can vouch for me because no one really knows ME. I haven't found anyone I totally trust yet, not even my friends. Some of them know a little, but no one knows ME, everything-me. Because I'm scared. I've been hurt a lot by my closest friends and Im always trying to fit in and be accepted. Probably because I've never been like the other kids my age. Sometimes I even lie about things, simple pointless things that dont even matter to fit in. Not things like drugs, I mean like, my favortie color or a commercial I ddin't see or someting I didn't know about.

Mommy, I haven't found anyone yet. And i've been waiting, just waiting for that person to come and find me or me to find whoever they are.

And mommy, I want you. I want my mommy. I love you.

Your little itty bitty baby,

p.s. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!


Revelation - Aug. 8th, 2007

The above letter was written during an emotional half hour after 2-3 phone conversations with my mother. As usaual I began to cry during the conversation and it carried on to long afterwards. I predict my eyes will be quite red and swollen tomorrow morning...Ah, to get bak onto the subject at hand. The title of this part is 'Revelation', because I have just remembered a crucial part of our conversation (one of the main points of it) and its implications

She told me to stay away from Catherine. She told me she, Catherine, was a bad girl and thus, a bad influence. She told me to stay away from her--for fear of that influence.

The influence of a little spoiled immature 13-year-old over a mature responsible seventeen-year-old.

*blink, blink*

See the implications? Bascially, I am not sure of myself and have no identity and easily swayed by bad little girls. Hmm. Intriguing thought. Quite nice of her to say so nicely.

Oh, wait, she didn't mean it that way. It 's not what she was trying to say at all. It was her thought revealed to me through her words alone. ^-^ Nice.

Besides that there is also one other point. I'll be fully 'grown' in about a year. And according to what little I know about life, my mother really has no power over who I'm friends with. ^-^ Fact of life. She may rant, yell, scream, but she can't take my friends away. Really nothign she can is the point. *sigh* Too bad.

*Note: Letter never actually read by person*

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Wow, an update from the dot! *gasp*
Monday. 8.6.07 7:58 pm
Today I got a mani+pedi. Well, fifteen min. ago really. And as I was getting ready to leave, the woman thought I needed help and bascially pushed the shoes on my feet and led me out the door. The result? Guess what! My pedi's ruined.

*cough* Yeah. Anyway, I didn't really like it that much. at first, I thought the color actually came out too dark and pretty much matched my new tan. >.> I thought it was better natural. =P Sooo I'm going to get rubbing alcohol and wipe off the folds of lavendar-y nail polish off my pretty toenails.

TAN-------> I went to the HK Dragonboat Festival this weekend. Got sunburnt yesterday--collarbone+neck and face. My forehead's darker than the rest, I think. And I've got the goggle thing going on. =D Well, it isn't that bad. I washed my face last night and it got whiter magically. Except for my forehead. Anyhoo...oh, and my team lost both youth races on Sat. *shrug* We weren't that good. The winning team practiced 4 times a week, two hours each practice. Whew! C-raaaazy. ;) Really serious stuff. My friend, R, was there and he's exhausted from all the practices and his two winnings. >.> And he's now got the bragging rights. ^-^ Haha.

OK, not much else to report on...Have a good August!

p.s. No, that dosen't mean I'll be gone for the rest of the month. You can't get rid of me that easily. *evil grin*

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Tickle Test...again
Friday. 8.3.07 2:28 am
Sure you're a stunner, but it's your kind heart that makes you a real beauty. Thoughtful and sincere, you connect easily with people and enjoy being around others. At parties, you like to work the room and make sure everyone is having a good time.

Strike up conversations with strangers? No problem. Show your new coworker great lunch spots? Of course! These are the kinds of things a sweetheart like you does without thinking. And your friendly spirit is what people find so enticing and gorgeous about you. That's beautiful!
--Tickle Test "What makes you luminous"

Thank you all for the comments. I'm not sure what they are, but the swelling has gone down and they don't bother me. I don't think...

Good night.

Plugs: ikimashokie, renaye, randomjunk, ShaShaBoo, iheartpullips, sphincterbutt, Southern, alexsedotcx, Nuttz, LostSoul13, ranor, Princess_00, invisible, sweetpeach

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Biters beware...
Tuesday. 7.31.07 9:35 pm
Remember all the bites I had on me? Yeah...I have them AGAIN. >.>

oneeye(right) twolower lip threeear(left) fourbackhand(right) fiveunder wrist(right) sixunder wrist(left) sevenbicep(right) eightshoulder(left)

I think that's all. For now. *siiiiiigh* I'M GONNA KILL YOU. Whoever whatever you are. Seriously, I haven't found out what they are yet...I don't think they're mosquitos cuz I got a couple of those earlier this month--five on my face, three/four on my body--and they weren't this big or swollen. *shrug* I think it's spider. Hopfully, I won't/will turn into Spidergirl.

A little worry...maybe spider fell into ear cuz the bite was on inside of cartilage near hole...hmmm...

Ow! *slap* A bit itchy, pain, eh.

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Saturday. 7.28.07 12:56 am
First of all, I [will] have the most busy summer EVER. Prompted by the youth-produced and not youth-produced documentaries I've watched at Asia Society, whose subject range in different areas--from illegal immigrants + citizenship granted through military service to the effects of 9/11, specifically hate crimes. I have taken the job on myself to find interesting exhibitions to fill my days with. As it is, my amNewYork newspaper's Art section is filled with circles and squigglies. I have much planned for the next few days-week or so and most likely more plans will keep on coming. Visitations to private galleries, public museums, summer film series, and the like.

Alas, I fear I will go broke. A number of things are indeed free. However, not all of them are: a major point. And I am very interested in all these things. *sigh* What shall I do? I have only a few pennies plus a dime in my jeans pocket at the moment. Most likely I'll find a few more coins as the hours pass, but not sufficient to last me the next month + the new plans. Oy...

Second of all, I have to wake up early tomorrow. I have been called upon to be the drummer for a team in the Dragonboat Festival. Oy. I have no idea what it entails. The race, er, festival is next Sun. This Sunday will be the last practice so they have made an extra session tomorrow morning. At 10:30am. Someone has kindly offered to drive me there so I will be up bright 'n early awaiting his call. Hopefully, he won't mind my snoring and drooling next to him in the passenger seat...Though I don't think that will happen.

1.) When I get up, my memory is perfectly fine. I am calm, cool, and collected after sleep, no matter how little. I aim to please. Once I'm awake, I'm awake. Though I'd really like to be awake for the sunrise...to watch it bring firelight into the sky...but I'm getting off-track. Eh-hem.

2.)I need to make a good impression. Continue what I started OR make it better. *sigh* >.> So, yes, no sleeping.

But I *yawn* am tired now. I can hear Muffin-Man scolding me already.
Good-night all. kfsjhalkjfahb uh, whoops. My hands are sliding...zzzZZzzz

Plugs: no plugs tonghit...er, morning.

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Thursday. 7.26.07 7:39 pm
"Skinny jeans? You squeezed in 'em before anyone else. Ballerina flats? You owned them last year. Fashion magazines? Of course, but we're guessing that by the time it's in print, you're already on to the next big thing. With your eye for style, you don't just follow the next must-have look: You create it.

Maybe your ahead-of-the-curve thinking gets you a few raised eyebrows now and again, but hey, you know the occasional miss is a small price to pay. And extra props to you, because even though you're on top of the latest trends, you also know how to turn heads in a simple t-shirt and great-fitting pair of jeans. Way to set the pace!"

--results for Tickle Test 'Are You Fashion Forward?'

Almost Angelic

Good for you, you're just a little evil. All of us have bad thoughts, and you may have acted on a few of yours, but you're probably safe traveling through Buffy's turf. Or maybe you're an aspiring evil person and you've never given yourself a real chance. Go ahead and forgive yourself for the mean-spirited — but ultimately harmless — pranks you pulled in grade school. Whispering behind your co-workers' backs won't flood you with bad karma. And, hey, we've all held out for ourselves in the throes of passion a time or two. So keep listening to that conscience of yours, but don't worry about tuning it out every so often.

We're not going to say you're a bad person, but you're toeing the line. A little advice: Try to think about how your victim will feel before you pull your next dirty prank (we don't care how funny you think it is when you take out a classified ad to sell someone's car for them without their knowledge). You may be under the impression that cruelty is funny, but your friends don't — especially the ones who've been burned by your verging-on-evil ways. Listen to your conscience from time to time, okay?

--results from Tickle Test 'Are You Evil?'

Don't you think this last one is a bit contradictory? 0.o Heh, weird...*smirk*

Ah, yes. This is called boredom. Hope you didn't mind.

Plugs: randomjunk, renaye, Nuttz, alexsedotcx

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Tickle Test
Wednesday. 7.25.07 12:31 am
"While you may have thought about starting a dream journal, you're not exactly cashing in on your sixth sense just yet. With a healthy skeptical streak, you tend to be more of a clear thinker than a daydreamer. When it's time to make a decision, you're going to listen to real-world experience, not a spiritual advisor. But even with your healthy dose of skepticism, a little part of you still sometimes thinks that maybe, just maybe, the truth could be more complicated than it seems...

Even though you still take everything with a grain of salt, you're always the type to keep an open mind. After all, who knows? Your next "weird feeling" could make you a believer!"

--my result for 'Are you Psychic?'

On the dot, by the way. *raises glass* Excuse the pun.

p.s. For more on the mysterious fangirl obsession, check the entry below. Cheers. *gulp*

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Guessing Game #2
Tuesday. 7.24.07 8:06 pm
Apparently, I've forgotten the most important part of the guessing game. One that was always present in the previous ones and has now been greviously left out. My apologies...

The prize for guessing correctly is...*drumroll* ...100pps!

Prize money will be added to everyday that this goes on. A kind of celebrity lottery. ;P Very funny, no?

Answers: Yes, Nuttz, he's Chinese. Yes, renaye, it does concern you because you can get 'wealth' out of it.

Am I really scaring you, iki-dear? 0.o I'm still the same grey, er, silver dot as always. Just currently in a phase of bad fangirl-ism. And I mean, really bad. >.> Not my circle.

Latest clues: Age=26, Only been out for...three years.
Guess if you want. If not, there will be a more interesting entry later.

Plugs: randomjunk, ikimashokie, LostSoul13, alexsedotcx, crz4manga, renaye, Nuttz

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