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There has never been a sadness that can't be cured by breakfast foods.
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May 2022

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blue diamonds moving on a green field
Wednesday. 11.15.06 2:04 pm
What is this feeling so sudden and new?
I felt the moment I laid eyes on you

my pulse is rushing
my head is reeling
my face is flushing

What is this feeling fervid as a flame?
Does is have a name?

unadulterated loathing

Could it be that there's a point of hope? Some island in this ocean I've put myself in? A place of refuge from the storm? Is it too much to hope for? Too good to be true? We'll see one way or another.
Some friends from High School are coming into town this weekend. It'll be good to see my apartment filled with people and hopefully laughter. Of all the things in this world that I hate and fear - it's an empty house. Especially if it's my empty house.
I've been going to XA and I plan on going alot more. They seem like such good people, through and through. Of course looks can be decieving - but I'm willing to find out. I've been talking to them about some of my general problems, and Alot of them have been praying for me - it brings me some small measure of comfort. I noticed yesterday though, that I feel small when I'm around them. I'm dwarfed by them in so many ways that I feel completely inadequate. I think that's why I haven't been going as much as I said I would - or as much as I should.

I hate that I don't have anything to say.
I love words and yet they hate me.

"I wouldn't say that you're plain. I think a lot of your problems are rooted in your inexplicable desire to please people when you go out and do something. You don't need to be the smartest person or the most hard working or anything like that. You just need to do what you love to do independent of what anyone else thinks."

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For 3 weeks, she sleeps
Friday. 11.10.06 2:34 pm
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain

And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it's not sane, It's not sane

So a few nights ago things got a little too much for me to handle. After I realized that everyone I could talk to was either busy or just not answering their phones I gave in and called my mom. I told her alot of what's been going on (not all of it, but enough) and I instantly felt so much better. See, I have this horrible habit of not being able to lie...some would think that's a good thing (and I suppose sometimes it's alright) but it can get annoying. In the end, after I talked to her I felt SO much better.

I just want someone to say to me oh,oh, oh, oh
I'll always be there when you wake yea, yea
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain

I also figured out why things have gotten harder to deal with. I've been lonely. I've never had many friends up here and recently they've all had their own things to do. This leaves me with going to class and simply returning to the solitary confienment of my apartment. It's not horrible, but in the end I believe I just need more human interaction than I thought. This is why I've been moody, bitchy, and a little depressed. To counteract this I've been making it a point to talk to my friends who live out of town on a more consistent basis. I'm also taking a trip down to Austin this weekend for a good friend's birthday. We're going to have dinner out on the lake and it's supposed to quite a to-do. All it'll cost me is my weekend and 50$ for gas there and back.

And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
ya don't like my point of view
ya think I'm insane
Its not sane......it's not sane.

I have my meeting with my advisor at 3 o'clock. I don't know where I'm at academically and everytime I let my mind wander to it my stomach still knots up a little bit. With the help of a really good friend however I'm starting to learn that worrying helps nothing. So I need to figure out where I stand, decide what needs to be done, talk to whomever I need to talk to, and believe that in the end (somehow...) things will be ok. I'm not scared - I'm just concerned for those around me.

I just want someone to say to me oh, oh, oh, oh
I'll always be there when you wake yea, yea
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

(I'll have it made
I'll have it made
You know we're really gonna, really gonna have it made
Gonna have it made
ahhh,ahhh, ahhh, ahhh)

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Things, Things, I've got so many things
Monday. 11.6.06 4:48 pm
to say.

I've made a decison. Multiple ones in fact, but I'm only going to disucss one.

I used to be fairly decent in it. Honestly.
not so much.

Ok, so I've screwed up. I'm currently on probation and the threat of a full out suspension hovers over me like a little black rain cloud ready to unleash a REALLY powerful storm.

I accept that I have dug this hole and must now lie in it. It will not be easy, and things will get incredibly tight financially around here. I can handle it. I'm not worried about myself in the slightest. I can carry my own weight and don't fear failure.

Then, there's my family. Ok, so they've paid for my entire education thus far out of pocket. I know - you can say 'spoiled' all you want, but let me tell you something, I never asked for it. Since I was small they have given me nearly everything I've wanted or needed. I never asked for any of it. When I did ask for something - I asked what I absolutely needed. They would go above and beyond getting me top of the line, biggest and brightest, name brand blah blah blah blah blah. I never asked for any of it. I never really wanted any of it - appreciated it without limits - but still could have done without.

This semester may not go as planned. I'll find out deffinates on Friday. I'm going to beg on bended knee to just about everyone I can until then. I'm going to pray my little heart out until even He gets tired of hearing my voice.

If things don't go as planned then I'm going to have 5 weeks to turn my world upside down and find my footing. I'm finally going to stand up to my father. It scares me beyond anything I've ever known - but I know it's right.

My brother called me today. Apperently my parents have been plotting to get me away from my snobby-as-hell-family for lunch or something so that "we" can "discuss" what's going to happen. They have no idea that I've decided what's going to happen and are going to be so upset I can't even begin to imagine the consequences of my actions.

This is my reasoning if things don't go the way I'd prefer them to go:
1) I *will* be suspeneded. This means that for 1 semester I will not be allowed to attened any Univeristy - anywhere.
2) My parents will want to take me home. Now, as of now my parents are paying for my apartment and bills (I know, again, you an say 'spoiled' all you want but I assure you that it REALLY bothers me that they do and it's not something I like to admit). The thing about this is that their names are NOWHERE on my lease. They can not give me money all they want - but they can't force me to break my lease. The reason they want to take me home is because we made an 'agreement' before I came up here that if I didn't pull through I would go back. I; at the time, agreed. This presents a moral delima for me since I promised but I now know it was a wrong decison. Not to mention that at that time I would have agreed to almost anything not to be forced to stay home.
2a) If by some horrible horrible turn of events I *am* forced to go home there is absolutely nothing I can do there. There is a univeristy there - but if i'm suspened I won't be able to attend. There's also a community college there - but i'm 100% completely done with basics and there would be NO REASON for me to attend. I could work - but I can just as easily do that up here.
3) If I stay up here I can find work. I wouldn't really care what or where. I can even find multiple jobs if need be. If I can make rent, my bills, and have enough to buy gas to get around - that's all that really matters.
4) I can attened NCTC which works in conjuntion with the univeristy i'm currently atteneding. They offer classes that I need and isn't *too* far away (though it's not close either). That would make sure that I'm not falling too far behind while being suspeneded.

All this seems to make sense right? It feels like it's the right thing to do. I however, know that nothing but drama and pain will come from all of this. My parents are going to be unforgivably dissapointed, distressed, hurt, and are more than likely going to feel very betrayed by my actions. I'm worried my father will take it out on my brother mostly. I'm used to the man and can handle his treatment, but it won't be fair to for my brother to suffer because of something I did.

I won't just have to deal with my family either. I'm also going to have to deal with my mother's side of the family. While I love them, and they are family - they reek of snobby to high heaven. My family (in their eyes) is already looked upon as a charity case. I feel as if most of the reason my mother is pushing me so hard is so that she can show face in front of her family. My dad's side, however is beyond amazed that I even went to Community College. I'll be the second person out of over 75 relatives to graduate from college; heck, i'm the 4th to graduate from High School.

By friday I'll know deffantes of what's going down. No matter what happens - this discussion has to take place. If I pull through this and end up making the grades then this still has to happen. I am 21 years old, I am a grown ass woman, I should not be beholden to family in such a manner. I should not feel as if I'm 12 when I'm around them. I think we all missed it when I grew up. We all just kinda glazed on over it. Well, I figured it out - now it's time they did too.

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Another set of thoughts
Friday. 11.3.06 10:25 am
So yesterday I went to visit one of my best friends, we went to this park that over looked the lake (which was lit by the nearly full moon), and ate Taco Bell, cause ya know....we're cool like that. We went back to his house and just hung out. Stupid spiders and snakes.
Not the point.
We had a discussion and I got....*sigh* emotional.

Ok, long story short: I am 21 years old and am yet to...anything romantically. No one has ever even liked me, lol. However, I'm fine being by myself (at this point I'm an expert at it) and thusly I don't *need* anyone in my life to make me happy. However, not gonna lie - it does get a little lonely every now and then.
So, every once in awhile I kinda go through 'low points' and get kinda 'dramatic' about my situation. Well, during our discussion he mentioned the fact that he knows of other people in my situation (so, i'm not some sort of TOTAL freak). I know very few in my life. In the end though, it always feels as if there's something wrong with me. That in one way or another there is something about me that is just completely off putting. I mean you look back and you figure there has to be......something! Something wrong with me that makes all of this make sense. I've tried to blame everything. Everything from the fact that I'm a total bookworm to my wieght to my family to the way I dress. The thing about it is - I don't feel like there's anything all that wrong with me. I feel comfortable in my own skin, so if that's the case with me - then what? Is the me who I feel comfortable with that unattractive? I don't know. I try not to worry about it. There's no point. I'm not going to let myself wallow - this isn't a new situation and it's not going anywhere anytime soon.

In any case, after I got home I recieved a phone call from a friend back home. You wanna talk about getting the message. *sigh* she's having issues with her boyfriend and the things that she was saying basically backed up everything that my friend had said to me. As she cried to me on the phone I patiently listened and let her speak her piece (it would have been difficult to get a word in edge wise, she had alot to say). After she calmed down a little bit I gave her a slice-o-wisdom (cheesy, I know) and she was quiet. Then she said; between sniffles, 'that's the best advice that anyone's ever given me'. I smiled to myself and felt a little proud. Let's hope that it was the right bit of advice though.

One thing I've never had a problem with is getting answers to prayers. Is that weird? I used to think that I was just reading into things, but I'm not so sure anymore. Whenever I really pray about something and really honestly try to talk to Him I always get an answer. Sometimes it's happened within minuets, other times it's taken a week. In the end though I always hear from Him. There are only few instances where I get mixed answers. I figure these situations aren't totally up to Him. I know that sounds weird - but I figure we got free will right? Well, if we have free will there has to be wiggle room in the master plan. So I figure in those situations where I keep getting 'yes', 'no' that he's waiting on others to see what needs to be done. I don't know - that could just be me being weird.

I guess what all of this is trying to say is simply this:
If I'm meant to be alone right now; if that's trully what needs to happen, if that's what's best for me and for everyone else then I'm ok with it. I mean, i'm not jumping through hoops, flowers and sunshine thrilled about it - but I'll let the situation play out as it needs to. Until then I'll just keep trying, and hoping. (and hoping and hoping and hoping and hoping....i'm really good at hoping, lol)

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